Papers Fly

Undated – I'm trying to make sense of it all.

"What if he goes after them? If something happens to them? They are everything I have, everything we have. If you don't tell them soon--"

There's someone who's after our entire family and has been for a very long time. My parents are afraid to give me the necessary details. But I know fear when I see it. I overheard a heated conversation between both of my parents. They know it won't take me long to figure out the rest, so without hesitation, my Father sits me down and explains everything.

From what I could tell his eyes were moving around erratically, his words quiet, his voice sharp.

He's been after our family for years. One mistake, one mistake in trust is all it took, to cost us everything. The secrets we protect is what he is after, and he will go to any length that it takes to get what he wants. At this important time, I expected my parents to be entitled to tell us exactly what is so important about it. Again, he casually dismisses it away. I almost explode with anger, forgetting that he is my Father, but I restrain myself. He warns me that it won't be long before he comes after us. Yet, he tells me not to worry. "He has a problem with me, not you Hirosha." I guess I never believed him. I was right not to. Attacking one of us, is attacking all of us.

***

2nd May, Papers fly - a lesson to learn, all faces have masks

Maybe I've given up

Lost all direction

Now I wander so unsure of the distance.

I'm thinking back to a couple of days before he disappeared. I don't remember that night as vivid as I'd like to, I'm sure if I did, I'd hold grudges for the rest of my life without control.

I was ecstatic to have we sold returned to us. Beethoven Moonlight Sonata is quite a sad song, nevertheless, I was overwhelmed that I still knew how to play each note and chord from memory. It's one of the best I can play, I treasure it. Walking through the halls of our old house, like none of our hardships ever came, running like I was free one more time.

He knew exactly what going to happen. I could see the unease in his walking, or at random moments, he'd stop in his tracks staring at me and Lilly, absorbing our laughter and energy one more time, sucking it in as if it was his lifeline, like it was his last moments with us.

It was late in the night when we had an unexpected visitor with a sharp voice come to our door demanding questions: I didnt hear the conversation but I caught the words 'suspicious...earn....bankruptcy...stole.'

The Hushed whispering suddenly rose in volume, snatching my attention in seconds. He was still at the door arguing with the same person, , but anger slowly rising in the other person's voice. I looked across to Akira sleeping on the other side of the room, I got to my feet carefully trying not to wake up Akira, but she was already awake. She started tugging at my shirt in fear, holding me back.

"Don't go." She pleaded.

"I have to see what's going on, just wait here," I reassured her and slipped away into the darkness and the corridors flooding light into the room.

"Wait for me!" She squealed, then she tripped up on her blanket and landed with an almighty 'thud' on the ground.

I stood on the spot frozen, anxious to make another move because the voices on the other side silenced. Akira got to her feet quickly, I pulled her close to my back, protecting her and keeping her behind me. Voices raised, I heard more thudding and slamming doors. My father ran in the room in a panicked state taking Akira and me by the hand, kneeling down and pulling us close. With no words spoken between us, I already knew what he was going to say.

"What's going on?" I asked.

"Nothing. Stay here. They'll leave."

With that said, he left me and Lilly speechless, I was unable to collect my thoughts into words. I didn't want to stand back and pretend nothing was happening. I marched into the room, stumbling into the corridor, Akira hissing after me to come back. I winced backwards at the harsh light hitting my eyes. All I saw was a silhouette. It charges forwards, then I see a man. He stood tall with great intimidation, then grabbed Akira and my mother, the upheaval of screams starting. I felt like I was falling through empty water. I remember freezing, out of confusion, her screams were silenced by a loud thud, my Father was thrown against the wall shouting for it all to stop and anger with us for ignoring his instruction to run.

"Stop! I'll come with you. Leave them alone, they have nothing to do with this." He raises his arms calmly, defeated.

They threw Lilly towards me, my mother grabbed my hands and pulled us back. She was strong. I gazed up at her, shock in her eyes. Why is she okay with this? 

He left the house silently and didnt return for hours. I waited by the door for minutes, even wanting to sleep there. As soon as I closed my eyes, I heard him walk inside.

This dreading silence that manages to scream its presence without making a sound.

So many emotions ran through me that night. I found myself shaking in the arms of my Mother and Akira. Just the three of us.

I never found out the reason he was gone. As the days went past, as we walked through the streets, I noticed the same gaze of pity and confusion constantly followed us. Maybe when my mother suddenly burst into tears one afternoon, after struggling so long to keep her emotions in check, cried and kept crying, sobbing heavily in pain and anger - was when I understood the extent of how bad this was. 

***

7th May 1965

I have to go to school. I have to focus. I can't afford to distract myself.

I never thought going to school would be a problem. Your friends are supposed to be the thing that keeps you standing, and keep you motivated. To give you some sort of hope. 

Coming back to my old friends was something to look forward to. I missed the fun we had, the energy, the people, just everything in general.

the knowledge and my friends' awe in my diversity of being Austrian and my talents of being multilingual.

Yet, they avoided me in the halls, and ignored me when I spoke. I was astounded at the speed news travelled around school of my Fathers disappearance. I tried several times at the beginning, explaining that my Father was not the common criminal they think he is, I didn't even know what he did. None of them believed me. All my efforts were wasted in the end so I gave up trying to sway them.

Some people took the time out to talk, but now I know all they wanted was information about the news for gossip.

To me, at least if they wanted to know the truth between the lies, I didn't mind telling them.

The strange thing was, as everything around me was falling apart, I was gradually started to succeed at school. I kept improving. However, when I saw how well I was doing, I turned away in disgust. I feel like doing anything or succeeding. I needed answers on what my Father had committed. I needed to find him. Thoughts of him abandoning us, permanently, filled my thoughts constantly.

Everyone was filled with shock, the kid who always found a way to fail or get averaging scores suddenly got smart. Teachers started to take notice, some people made up rumours that I was definitely cheating. It was believable since the progress I was making came out of nowhere, so I had to take multiple tests of each subject again to prove it, and I still did well. They started giving me higher papers, some from colleges, some from universities. When our discussions happened to compare and talk about scores, hardly anyone came to me although I had all the answers. It was just hushed whispering and awkward approaches. Teachers took the time out to embrace my achievements. That's what I hated the most. When I was down under none of them wanted to know. Why was it now that they started paying attention?

"You're doing amazing, especially with everything that's going on at home. It's fantastic if nothing distracts you from your education, keep it up."

At the same time, I had a gut feeling that what was going on with my father being arrested was really bad. Yet, I never discovered the reason why he was taken. I returned home to find my Mother, sitting down, quivering and paralysed with tears. She wouldn't say anything to me or Akira. Information on the reasons and his disappearance was hushed. I wondered why she wasn't fighting back or looking for answers.

"Do you know what he did?" I asked. Lifting her head to look at me, she shook her head and looked at me in frustration. That's when I realised she was as clueless as I was.

He should crawl back to Austria and never set foot in Japan.' Questions as bad as 'Why did your mother choose to marry a foreigner' circulate all around me.

Inside, all I feel is emptiness and confusion.

He knew what was going to happen that night. That's what angered me the most, maybe that's what drove me into never forgiving him. At first, I was open to some sort of agreement. At last, we had our old home back, not needing to hide like we did before, seemed like some way to bring happiness... It wasn't the same without him. It felt like a shadow had taken over our entire family. It's weird how silent a house can be when one of your family members are out? Now, this is was infinite.

My mother struggled the most. Although she never showed it, I could see it, but I secretly never brought it up. I still wonder to this day how she managed to stay strong. Through her words of reassurance and her actions, even though sometimes she wouldn't believe it herself.

People used to tell me Mothers are the strongest people in the world, I believe them now. Random outbursts of anger were constant from me. Akira was more silent, but I, I couldn't stay quiet.

"How can you forgive him for what he's done to us?"

"Hirosha you must learn blaming people is not the answer."

"But why?! The shame he's bringing to us..." I'd argue.

"You must learn not to be, your father has worked too hard for this, for you. For us. Suddenly people have finally seen he found something important and took him away. Once they see there's no harm, I hope they'll let him go." I saw how unsure she was.

I was looking for someone to blame. To me, it felt like my Father had escaped the worst, while here we were taking all the hits of his consequences and he's nowhere to be seen.

Lilly started: "What if he never gets out? What if we'll never get anywhere because the second they see the name 'Hamada' they'll decline us because of the shame we bring. What if—"

"What if, what if! Come on, it's okay, all of this worrying is unhealthy. It's going to be okay, you mustn't worry, do not let people see it." She pulled us close to embrace her.

I love my mother. Yet, questions start to waver in my mind. 

I wondered why or how my mother met him and managed to love him. Still, love him.

_____

10th May - All I know is that I'm alive, which is the most important thing. I can do all the things I never thought I would. But I have to live with this damage now. I have no other choice. I'm sure soon it'll hit me, the reality of how close to death I really was.

He did this to me.

Home alone. I always hated the feeling no matter how old I was. My Dad was out of prison to sign some contracts, he took that time out to gather as much information as he could. But he didn't want to leave me at home, it didn't feel right. He knew it didn't feel okay. I was left of my own anyway. But my dad still didn't think I was safe and he was right. Chaser. He broke in, attacked me, I passed out. I don't remember anything after that but the intense pressure of a mask being pressed over my nose and mouth, distributing a painful gas. I remember my heart burning under the pain. My Father found me, lying there, dying, as I tried to scream for air. But nothing came out.

I have never seen my Father in that state in my life.

Afraid. Just to let my Father know that wherever he is, Chaser will always be in control. That day I wanted to die. I was ready. I know I was. If he hadn't got to me in time, I know I would've surely died.

I haven't seen my Father since.

***

Heart and lung damage. It's not often you hear those words being told to a 15-year-old. I don't think I ever took it seriously. I mean, what youth would? In our heads we are meant to live forever, illness isn't supposed to be a problem. I remember sitting there on a cold bed watching my Mother's expression. Frozen. Just frozen. Avoiding my eyes, afraid to face the truth, to tell me the truth.

Being 14 and 15, was a difficult year and time for me. It was filled with so much turmoil and heartbreak. Some nights I would just stare at the ceiling, no tears, just staring, wondering why life couldn't give me any breaks.

I wondered why my heart wouldn't function normally. Why did our family have to deal with people we didn't have to deal with. Why couldn't I breathe when I needed to?