Keep this between us

LEON

"We just have to keep this between us," I stress to him.

"I don't understand why you're more worried about me spilling the truth to Aunt Cassidy, I'm the one who wanted to run away in the first place! I'm the one who took the memoirs, so I wouldn't want her knowing about that anytime soon."

"Yeah, but Kaiden, we all know how you get when you're overexcited. You're like a dog who's just seen their owner for the first time in a year."

"Ha, ha very funny. And no, I'm not. You're lucky I filled you on in this." My eyes widen at his far-fetched statement.

"You'd have no choice but to tell me anyways," I say shrugging my shoulders.

Coming home later than usual is a tradition for me these days. With all the extra assignments and revision topics, it was expected. Added on top of that is sports. When my brother said he was going into this memoir thing, I didn't know he was being serious. He hardly takes anything seriously, no matter how far in intelligence he's advanced. That's how it's always been.

Maps, papers lying on the floor, extra added notes, more maps and landmarks all printed out and pinned in every corner of the room. I didn't know rather be impressed or shocked.

"Where have you been?" He demands signalling to his watch, "What time do you call this? It's eight o'clock. Listen, Leon, if you're in this as well, the effort is needed."

I stare at him blankly too lost in my thoughts to bother arguing with him. I plan to bring up the fact he has all the maps out which run the risk of Aunt Cassidy walking in at any minute and finding out everything, but I mentally vote against it. He takes my silence as a signal to carry on scolding me like a parent.

"Okay, I know. It's pretty stupid to put the maps in clear sight. I'll take them down." Mildly surprised that he knew exactly what I was thinking I make my way across the room, slip into bed and lie staring at the bedside table dejected.

"This is insulting Leon. I just said we need to put effort into this. I mean, doesn't this matter to you? It's our family past for heaven's sake, we've never got to anything as close as this!" I grunt inaudibly completely unbothered by him.

"Yes, we know, school sucks, I'm twelve and I've figured that out easily, it takes no genius to know that. If it's about Roselyn, well my friend, that's all your fault. You made your bed, you lie in it. I told you all along. Girls are not what you need. That's what you get forcing yourself to fall in love so young." I open my eyes in shock of her name being said. I just want to forget about all that's happened today.

"Forced?" I say.

"What?"

"You said forced. It wasn't forced, never forced. It was so natural, unreal, too good. It was real, maybe that's why it hurts so much."

"So why don't you go back to her?" He asks innocently as if he has no idea what happened between us with his eyes wide.

"I can't."

"Why not?"

"It's complicated."

"I think that's dumb. You two were in love." He says suddenly changing his tone.

"You think?" I scoff.

"What? Don't you think so?" I pause unsure whether to answer.

"We were young and still are. We don't know how to deal with the feelings so it's better to leave them. It's pretty much hopeless. You'll understand one day." I turn on my side and switch off the nearest lamp, without another word mentioned.

***

Annoyingly I woke up in the middle of the night. So much for sleeping early. I suddenly realize I'm still dressed in my sports clothes, I was so distracted I didn't even bother getting changed. Disgusted, I get out of bed and take a shower. Immediately my head throbs and pain shoots through me.

A migraine. Great. On top of that heartbreak. Not that the pain of either is any different, it feels equal. Just heartbreak hurts more.

Kaiden is passed out stone cold, which instantly makes me question the time he decided to take a break from all of this. Unaware and as careless as he is, he's still left all the maps and books out. I make a start by picking them all up. But inside I still ask the question that's been taunting me all day.

Have I got a problem with him doing this?

Kaiden understands the loss and the void of not having parents, but he will never, ever go to the length of feeling the same intensity of pain. The loss came instantly, but the realisation hit early in my teenage years. I always thought they were somewhere. Just around a corner maybe, to walk back into my life. The pain came soon after, it was intense, this indescribable feeling and still affects me to this day. Unfortunately, he didn't understand it. In his mind, he thinks we're better off without them. So anytime we talk about it, he'd laugh, joke around in lack of understanding. As evil as it is, I wanted him to feel it, to know what it meant to lose something like that. So in all respects, he's clueless in all of this. It scares me that he may never understand.

It scares me that I may never come to terms with what happened, or know how to let go.

I scan the books of memoirs, still stunned by the fact my Grandfather wrote these. His words in my hand. All these years living here and I never found these. What drives me mad is that Kaiden's right, this may lead us to the answers we hunger for, only it's been sitting under our noses for so long.

It never crossed my mind why Aunt Cassidy never told us about these. 'Probably protecting us from sweet nothings' is something that Kaiden might say. What she said is still playing in my mind; 'I'm doing this for your own benefit, I don't tell you things for a reason, when you're older you'll understand'. My mind wanders back to my Dad. Maybe it never crossed his mind to tell us, maybe he didn't feel entitled or wanted to tell us.

I stare down curiously at one of the titles, it looks like one of the oldest out of all the set which means it's the earliest he wrote in.

"Why did you keep this from me, Aunt Cassidy?" I whisper into the darkness my voice surprisingly hoarse, "Don't we matter, don't I matter?"

All those feelings washed out but needed tears over the years, and this was here all along. I'd rather not read anything that's inside these pages, ditch the book altogether, burn them! The more I think, the sicker I feel to read. They may not have anything inside, who cares anymore? Maybe I was just mourning a hoax in my life, fake feelings and letting them rip and suck the life out of me.

I haven't noticed my hands shaking violently as I hold the book in my hand. I secretly want to hate Kaiden for finding these. But this lasting urge wants me to go after whatever they say.

Yes, I'm afraid, but this is all I have left. I know my mind won't be able to rest if I have the answers right in front of me. No one gets this pain, only those that have gone through something similar or the exact pain. No one knows how much these, only a few mean to me. Just knowing a few words on a page will determine how I see my life now.

***

INTRO - 4th April 1965

I'm not exactly sure who or whereI'll be later on, but when you turn these pages, don't be afraid to know your past self. I'm reading over this already and I feel bad. Damn, if this is the start, then I wonder how I will be when I read over this.

People tell me writing will help. Since I struggle so much with speaking, writing seems like the wrong option since I'll never improve if I don't speak. I guess this is the best way. I'm currently 14 years old. I'm not used to expressing my feelings, I don't think any guy really is. When it all comes out in anger, everything else washes out, nothing is left over, everything is forgotten, it's like being born again, as if none of it ever happened.

***

P

revious entry – flashback.

I knew the time was coming when I had to go through this again. I think I'm ready to write about it now.

Today was the hardest day I've experienced by far. Eventually, together we managed to save enough money for petrol just by the skin of our teeth. We had to travel all the way to the outskirts of Tokyo to do what I've always dreaded. Selling my belongings. Having to let go of everything I held dear to me was the worst. If it wasn't for Akira and her big mouth then maybe I'd still have some of my belongings left. Yet, I hate the feeling of holding a grudge against my own sister, I didn't speak to her throughout the journey and didn't make eye contact, but I secretly wanted to forgive her.

It started when My Father came home one late afternoon, speaking in a hushed voice, explaining to Akira the situation he had to get through. Unfortunately, he needed to sell some of her belongings. Financially I never thought our family had a problem, my Father worked in the business sector and relatively studied science. I knew he was popular among his colleagues for his hardworking ways therefore he was always proud of the work he did and earned a lot of money. Yet lately my Father was getting increasingly secretive. He would constantly meet and talk to strangers, people I'd never seen in my life. Disappear occasionally and took time take away from home.

She was in tears, and if I'm honest, I didn't blame her.

Everything that my father was doing, I never imagined it affecting any of us. He would repress himself and keep information away from us. I had a feeling my mother knew exactly what was happening, but I didn't dare question it.

I knew it wouldn't be long before he caught up with me. She begged for a reason, but his tone reflected stone cold anger and frustration.

My mother was the most discouraged by his sudden outbursts and risks he was taking, but soon she stood by his side selling our valued possessions.

Before we were reluctant about selling jewellery or artwork, then suddenly the piano disappeared, and antique furniture. It went to the extreme that Akira and I were temporarily removed from school because of the expense. All we had left was a few bowls and a few pieces of furniture in our cramped space. At this moment in time, trust in what my father was doing dropped massively.

I couldn't give up snowboarding or skiing. Every year for a holiday we'd go to the mountains and have fun. It was unbelievable how much I loved those sports. I was still hoping no one would notice I was still going some days, even sneaking out the house in the early hours in the day. Everyone there kept reminding me of the payments I was behind on. At that time there was no way paying them back although I kept promising I would. The only thing that was keeping me there, was my talent.

I never understood my interest in the sport, maybe it was because I understood the poetry, the rushing feeling behind the jumps and gliding down the snow. It was more than backside 180s, rotations in the air and awesome landings.

I loved it. With all my heart. Probably more than playing the piano but I would never admit that to my parents.

Akira was the only one who knew what I was hiding. Soon her anger and constant annoyance caught up, leading her to a full outburst of irritation.

"How come I had to give away my valuables, but he's still allowed to keep everything and still snowboard?"

At first, my Father ignored it, I watched Akira's face wither up in more irritation and she huffed in defeat marching back in annoyance, but I knew the dread would soon come faster - selling my things. So here we are handing over our things to sell... again. All day I've been reluctantly staring back at the clocks, waiting for all of this to be over.

After giving everything away, he noticed how I avoided eye contact and kept my eyes focused on the rushing fields as we drove covered in grass for miles on end. So was Akira, lost in a trace, crying silently to herself. He looked discouraged to start a conversation, but he swallowed his fear.

"This is for the best, I know it's hard. But, I will make up for this."

He glanced in the mirror, his eyes smiling back in reassurance. Sometimes, I wished my Mother would pull my father back to reality, shake him awake and tell him, 'It's not possible' maybe it is, maybe not.

How did we suddenly have everything repossessed, and then kicked into a smaller house? How do we possibly get it all back?

He noticed my eyes wavering due to my thoughts constantly chasing each other, so he took the initiative to go a different route. Ibaraki prefecture, Mount Tsukuba - a spark in my childhood memory had been ignited. As a family we always came here when I was younger, when everything was okay and we still had our old home. If only the past me knew what was in store. I shook my head to remove the fear from my head.

Thin layers of grass hugged the sides of my feet and legs. The splash of evergreen colours soothing aching eyes. Rocks were scattered in random formations, clouds dispersed in wisps of candyfloss, contrasting the blue colours of the sky. The path disappeared altogether, we climbed right to the edge, looking at the sight that lay below us.

The never-ending hills just scored over the horizons beautifully, I missed sights like this. It woke me up, reminding me of what I was missing. When I was older, I wanted to see places. Since our situation suddenly turned sour, that couldn't be possible.

My father held me and Akira close embracing his warmth. I didn't care anymore, it felt amazing to know I had someone to confide in, someone who didn't pressure me, judge, or intimidate me. I didn't want to let go or lose him. The thought of losing him made me sick, however, scaringly, my Father would always want us to imagine what it would be like without him. To force us to appreciate what we had. Almost as he was preparing us for the worst.

"This place is beautiful isn't it? I asked your mother if we should live in a place like this at first but she said it was too far away from life. I miss Austria you see. I think I've always has had this secret desire to go back." He says carelessly as if we weren't with him.

"I'm going to be busy for some time. I don't know if I'll come back. But I know we'll be together one day. Just not right now, things, are... well, things are going to be difficult." He says calmly.

"What do you mean?" I ask. He faces away from us reluctantly and stares into the distance in contemplation.

"Sometimes, to survive, to get better, we have to make sacrifices. Some come at an extreme cost than others. Some of the decisions I've made are not the best. The choices we made in the past or present will one day catch up with us." He starts, I stare at him blankly unsure of what he means. He studies my face and smiles.

"Don't worry, you won't understand now. But please, forgive me at the moments when it seems impossible to do."

I stand in silence waiting for him to continue.

"All that time spent on working, what is it all for?" Akira interjected. It was the question that was always balancing on my mind. None of us dared to ask, just my father knew, who knew, maybe Akira and I are the only ones kept in the dark.

"The papers and documents and the Meridian have nothing to do with this, both of you guard it with your lives. If I'm no longer around, keep it away and safe. This research is separate. But it has links to the meridian, so keep it close."

We all knew about our families best-kept secret. The Meridian. None of us fully understood it, but we heard constant information about it. Memoirs from the past decades and documents that were far out of our reach.

He avoids my previous question seamlessly, reading my mind he smiled casually at me, his answer following in response:

"You'll figure everything out, the both of you."

"How? What do you mean, if you are not around?" Akira asks emotion hinting in her voice. I knew this would tear her apart, she was on the verge of tears all day and now here was my Father being passive about his future.

"Everything I have is yours. You'll get there." He said in a quiet, calm tone, pulling us close.

His warmth. I will never forget his warmth even if we were that high in altitude.

"What if it doesn't work?" I asked panic growing inside me.

"You mustn't let those thoughts dwell in here," He said pointing to my head, "I promise, we'll be together when this is over."

I didn't grasp the meaning of what he said until it was too late. That was the last time I fully embraced my Father. I always wondered why he was acting that way. It was so abnormal to see him suddenly overcome with emotion. Why couldn't I use my brain at the time.

Goodbyes.

He knew what was coming and so did my Mother.

I don't think I can ever forgive him. I feel ashamed. Frozen, unsure of everything. Is this supposed to be everything?

When I was removed from school I was never allowed to say goodbye to anyone. I always asked why, my Mother casually said 'everything's harder when you say goodbye,'

I want to ask him 'Was this your reason too? Are you out there? Where are you?

I didn't understand, I couldn't understand. I did not want to understand. How could you live with yourself without saying goodbye?

Only it's now that I understand every word.

Of course, I didn't understand, my experience.

But am I using that as an excuse to limit me?

Maybe until I met Maria the following years later, that's when I realised the true struggle