Chapter 4

I had never experienced the feeling of losing someone dear to my heart until I did. This feeling cannot be expressed in words. It's a dark emotion that will permanently hide in your heart, to come as a nightmare when you're too vulnerable to shield yourself from them… The way you do when you're awake. It will lurk in the memories, surfacing now and then, whenever something from the past repeats itself. You know the truth, and still, you won't believe it. How can you, know that you saw the person laughing, joking, and gossiping just two days ago? Trust me, it still doesn't feel real. I only see that smiling girl planning for her future whenever I picture her. I could never imagine that girl to be the one who would hang herself to death two days later. We all know that mental health is not an agreeable conversation between people, family members or friends… That's the reason the person who is going through mental turmoil often keeps their mouth shut, and one day succumbs to darkness.

Zara was like my twin, we did almost everything together, she was beautiful and had a heart of gold. She was fair and had hazel eyes which I still remember beaming with life, every time we saw each other. I loved her long straight black hair but she loved my curly mess. She wanted to become a vet as she loved animals and had various animals at her house. Every time I used to visit her place, there was a new animal to be found.

Things started to change when she started dating that asshole, she was happy at first, so I saw signs that she might not be totally fine. I remember that she came to school one day with marks on her wrists. They looked bad. When I asked her about them, she said that her boyfriend had difficulty accepting that she didn't want a physical relationship. She would come to school in tears and tell me that she didn't want to live anymore. I went to see a school counsellor and told her what I'd seen on Zara's wrists. The counsellor said the cuts were probably superficial, but she'd talk to her anyway.

Zara and I continued to hang out every day at lunch, and we sat together all the time in assemblies, where she would do the funniest things. I nearly got into trouble many times for laughing, but I didn't care; she was hilarious!

I had lunch with her. We had a million laughs about things that didn't matter. I couldn't have known that it would be the last time I'd laugh with her, the last time we'd sit together at lunch, or the last time I'd see her beautiful face. I was absent from school the next day because I was sick. Now, I wish more than anything in the world that I'd sucked it up and gone to school that day. It was Zara's last day.

I woke up the next day. When the phone rang and I answered it, it was Zara calling, I could hear the tears running down her face, saying goodbye and hanging up the phone. I couldn't think, I just told Mom, I was going to see Zara. I ran as fast as I could, she lived down the street. I call her mom, telling her to come house right away. I wasn't quick enough.

The door of her house was opened by her maid and I asked her where was Zara. Before she replied that she was in her room, I ran to open the door, but it was not locked, her maid from behind said Zara said she wanted to be alone and that I should not go in. Some part of me still wishes I listened to the maid, but of course, I didn't. As I opened the door, I saw Zara hanging from the fan. She was dead by the time I reached her. I slammed to the floor in shock, and tears rolled down my face. I couldn't believe it. Zara, the friend who made me smile every day, and who made sure that no one ever felt left out of anything, had died by suicide.

My life changed forever. I began taking anti-depressants. I even tried three times to take my own life. Then I had a dream. In the dream, Zara was back; we were together like in old times. And I heard her whisper to me: 'Don't give up. It's not worth it, Dhana.' When I woke up, I was in tears. I immediately looked up the meaning of my dream in a special dictionary. It said that someone who had died had contacted me in the dream to let me know that things will be okay and that they were with me. As sad as it was to lose Zara, I guess you could also say that she saved me. Many times, she saved me from the unthinkable. It's been a bit over 7 years now, and it's still not easy to comprehend, but I know that she's there still. I have a photo of her hanging on my wall, and a bracelet I have in memory of her that says: 'Know yourself. Be yourself. Love yourself.'

Whether she is in my dreams, on my wall or my wrist, she's never gone ... she never will be. So, if you're feeling down, listen to what Zara told me in the dream: 'Don't give up. It's not worth it.' This (whatever 'this' is), too, shall pass.

I still blame myself for her death and relive the moment wishing to turn back time. As discovering her was not enough, I watched as her parents crumbled due to her death. I still talk to her parents, becoming the daughter they lost. They moved cities a year after her death.

I, on the other hand, broke up with Arjun, not just because of Roshni but also because I felt I was too broken and would only take love from him instead of giving him. He will be trapped in our relationship, and soon it will become toxic like Zara's. I was scared that he will also end up like her. I know I was dumb, but I couldn't help doing it. I told him everything, at first he was upset that I believed Roshni and not him, then understood my feelings but refused to let me go. After a while, I lost my patience and we got into a huge fight. And that was it, the end of a beautiful three-year relationship.

I and Arjun still are in contact with each other and have become good friends. After the breakup, Arjun broke his friendship with Roshni. He went to the US for his under graduation, where he discovered he was bi-sexual and soon had a boyfriend, they are still going strong and I am so happy for him.

I sank deeper into depression, and this time it affected my studies, so my parents decided I should shift schools. I was not very happy with the decision but I knew it was best for me to move out of that situation. So with the new year, I was heading towards new Beginnings. I was starting high school in a new school with new people, what could go wrong?