Chapter 8 - Noble Idiocy for Him, Trauma for Her

Arjun held his breath as he read the diary.

"I am confused. What do I do now?"

"Look, A, I know you love him. Maybe, I did know this subconsciously for a really long time. But you were just too absorbed and afraid to admit it."

"I wasn't afraid. I didn't know myself that I love him. I thought that it was affection I had for him, that I cared for him like a friend, just friendship and nothing more."

"That's possible. Okay, now that you know it for a fact how you feel about him, what will you do?"

"I can't tell him, I really can't. He is such an amazing person. He doesn't deserve someone like me. He deserves someone better."

"Wait, why wouldn't you be good enough for him? You are also an amazing, educated, independent, professional woman."

"Maybe. But I don't know if his feelings towards me are the same as how I feel about him. I can't jump to conclusions immediately. What if he doesn't love me like I do? What if he is counting me in only as a friend?"

"But the way he looks at me, the affection in his eyes, that gaze, it has got more to do than just friendship. He looks at me with such adoration."

"Still, I can't go on to him and confess my feelings to him. I wish I knew what he is thinking, what he feels."

"Okay, now decide on the two options you have."

"If he doesn't love me, then I am gonna shut up my mouth and stay mute. I will never let him know how I feel about him."

"What if he does love you as strongly as you do?"

"Well, I still can't be with him. I can't spoil the beautiful relationship I have with him. What if eventually we fall out, if this doesn't work out properly, if he changes later on like Rohit did?"

"Hey, there is no comparison between between Mr. J and that fool. Mr. J is a gentleman; he would never treat me bad. Never."

"Still, I can't risk it. You are correct. I am a disaster with guys. I am not sure that I can keep him bonded to me. If the weariness in our bond starts strengthening anytime, then the bond will just shred up. I don't want to lose Mr. J. He is precious."

"He might opine differently. What if he asks me out first?"

"No, going out with him might not be a good idea. What if we start disliking each other, or worse, hating each other? We don't know anything about each other. What if gets to know about Rohit and hates me? What if he dislikes everything about me as he gets to me know me even better? I can't bear the look of disappointment in his eyes. I cannot bear to see hatred in him towards me."

"Starting a relationship with someone I care so much about has become so difficult now for me. I am scared that my past might repeat again. I am scared of loving someone only to get hurt in the end. I can't do this again. I simply cannot."

"I know Mr. J might actually like me a lot. Even if I am precious to him, I can't risk his happiness. He needs someone serious, practical and a stable woman. Not a traumatized girl like me who pretends to be fun loving and all knowing. He should be happy. If he gets together with me, he might become miserable again.

"What if he himself tells me first the words of "I love you"?"

"Well, I guess I have to take a simple way out of it all. I need to go away from him. I can't stay near him and make his life miserable. He will get over me easily. I am not that memorable of a personality anyways. He will realize later on that I am just a passing cloud and he will move on. He will get someone worthy of him."

"Are you really happy doing this?"

"Of course I am not. But his happiness means a lot to me."

"But how will you go away from him so easily?"

"Simple. I will hug him tightly, tell him that I am not the right one for him, make him understand that he needs someone better and walk away with a smile."

Arjun closed the diary, his heart beating wildly and thoughts racing at the parting away plan she had written. She didn't smile when she left, and she definitely did not give him a hug. But that was secondary. She had felt awfully miserable while leaving him.

His eyes burned with tears as much as his heart did. All he could think was, "You should have just asked me Miss. D, if I was okay with anything and everything about you. You could have just told me that you were scared and I would have assured you that it would always be perfect between us. I could have told you how much you mean to me. I would never have hated you for anything. Your past? I wish I could break the head of the swine who hurt you so much and traumatized you so much. You definitely deserve much better, maybe someone better than me even. You could have just told me. We would have talked it over."

Eyes moistened, he read the other entries in her journal where she tried to decide if her choices were correct or not. And mostly, she wrote about him.

"What will happen to him if I go away? Will he become gloomy like how he was when he last had a break up? Will he again resign to the heart-break and become sad again?"

"No. Never. I have taught him enough about the heartbreak episode till now. He is a genius and above all, he is my best friend. He will never forget my words and thoughts. He will always remember what he has to do and he will do the right things always. He will try to be happy, calm, composed and highly active, decisive like he has always been. That's what I prize in him. At least he would be that way for my sake."

That woke Arjun up. For her.

He would do anything for her. And if she wanted him to go on like he always had, then he would do it without any complain. But forgetting her and moving on was highly impossible. Not after learning how she felt about him. She had loved him more than what his imagination had suggested. And he loved her. She might have walked away for his own good. But his well-being and happiness rested in her.

He smiled, thinking about the emotional attachment she had with him, the bond she had shared with him, the love she had wrapped him in. How could she have been crazy to think that walking away was the best option? But then, she had always been crazy. If only she hadn't turned her trauma into noble idiocy. He could have helped her become whole again. Maybe she would realize one day that she had been wrong and would come back to him.

That seemed like a very ambiguous possibility in the finite lifetime that he had. They never knew each others' names or any other details. Except that she knew he was a businessman. But that wouldn't be of any help. Miss. D would have to come back on her own accord, and he wasn't sure if that would ever happen. She seemed pretty determined to stay away from him for their own good. There was no way he would know if she decided to never come back. Ever. He would be left hanging waiting for her for like a madman.

That didn't bother him, he realized. He wanted to wait for her. There was now way he could forget her.

He slid onto his bed, planning his life like how she had wanted him to. He would go on with his work and living a good life, but one in which she was always with him in his thoughts.

Since then he always pictured her sitting beside him, holding his hand and guiding him, leading him in the correct way. He adapted her style of writing diary - questioning himself like a different persona and then answering those questions with the best possible solutions. He realized that method was amazingly good at structuring his thoughts, leading him out of any sort of confusion he might have and extracting solutions from his very own mind map. He was able to see what he really wanted and how he should act. It helped him keep a hold on himself and evolve into a much better person.

He continued his jogging schedule. He would sit on the wall in his usual place and feel her imprints near him, alive and juvenile like they always have been. He would divide his conscience into two parts - one was his voice and the other was hers. He knew how Miss. D would handle certain situations, what she would suggest him to do and how she would advice him.

The flow of time made him realize how foolish he himself had been. He had equated dating to being in love with someone. After meeting and letting Miss. D go, he understood what loving someone actually means. His past relationship had just been as meaningless and simply exaggerated. Just as how Miss. D's relationship with Rohit had been. She didn't love him, as was evident in her diary entries. She had given Rohit a chance because she didn't want to disappoint someone who professed he liked her. When she understood she couldn't force herself to love someone like Rohit she had escaped from him. And when she actually, truly fell in love with Arjun, she couldn't handle the thoughts of the possible consequences and pain she might endure again. In one way, Arjun and Miss. D were so similar in their take towards love and relationships. He could only imagine how he could have told Miss. D of all his realizations and they could have laughed at their folly.

As months passed, Arjun never saw Miss. D anywhere in real. But personally, in his mind, she was always with him. He progressed professionally, reached the heights which his father had always wished for him to reach. Though his dad made him manage the whole business countrywide, he never left the city. Even if he had to travel to other places on business trips, he would return as soon as he could, so he could go back jogging on the beach, sit at his usual place and watch the sea.

Two years passed by and he still was the same. His father, cousins, no one could make him move onto others. He never looked out for another girl, never. And he didn't try to search extensively for Miss. D either. It was her strong belief that whatever is truly written in your destiny will come to you without you realizing it. And he was strongly willed to follow whatever she said and believed in.