Day 28 "Worries"

So I'm dizzy.

Again.

Probably talked a lot. Or stress. Or my lack of sleep when I clearly slept for more than 5 hours. Or my lack of sunlight. Or all of the above.

I've been trying to do better.

Trying. And I've succeeded. Occasionally.

There's no consistency.

And...

It's upsetting because I'm finally trying again.

"Help yourself."

Have I not been helping myself? Were my efforts NOT helping myself?

Oh it's raining. Just noticed.

As I was saying, I'm upset because I understand why they say that. They care. And at the same time, I understand they don't see my efforts in getting up everyday and trying to make myself smile.

The fact that I still eat. That I still get up everyday. That I still look for a good laugh.

I don't know.

It's overwhelming.

And I get overwhelmed easily haha.....

I guess it's painful because I thought I was doing something. I was making a step towards something. To make me better. To keep me stable.

"Help yourself."

And I hear that.

It's fucking painful.

Okay I need to calm down geez.

I didn't want to be upset and here I am making myself upset. Honestly self.

Calm.

Inhale.

Exhale.

Okay. I want to talk about cheese!

Hahahaha!

I love St*dio C. Love their videos. They've helped me calm down.

Sometimes it works. Sometimes it doesn't.

There's no.....one thing that helps me relax.

Sometimes it's the T*skmaster's podcasts. Sometimes it's videos. Sometimes it's chatting with someone. Sometimes it's letting someone run their hands through my hair.

It's nice. Letting someone run their hands through my hair. Or letting someone else comb my hair. Style my hair. It rarely happens though.

Like I said, I need a friend in real life that I can meet with everyday. Still in progress.

I guess I'm just waiting for someone to approach me. Which is ridiculous. I know.

I don't know.

I'm still confused.

=======

That was a draft we saved.

Was looking for somewhere to add this so this is the closest place to put this.

We thought we got stabbed by a needle.

Yup.

Was feeling a bit....ticklish? On my side. At first we thought it was something poking up on the bed. So we tried to feel for it. And there were only the sheets. So we tried again, more confused this time. And still nothing.

Then we thought maybe it was our imagination. So we wiggled a bit and it's still there.

We had to check a few more times and there really was nothing on the bed that could poke us.

Then we thought about how grandma had that one specific blanket with a pin on it. Maybe it fell off. So we panicked.

"Is it the pin? Shit. Is it inside?! Fuck. Oh wait, then I'd be bleeding. And the rest of it would be sticking out."

It was a safety pin. So that calmed me down real quick. Still kinda concerned. But at least it's probably not the safety pin.

Maybe it's gas.

It's ticklish? Dunno. It kinda is.

Worried it's internal bleeding.

Fuck.

And how would that even happen—

Anyway, we're gonna drink some medicine and just wait for the ticklish....thing to go away.

Sucks that we overthink a lot. Haha.

Until next chapter!

Bye~