Chapter 22: What We Dream To Be

CONTENT WARNING/SPOILER:

So... She talks about it in the first paragraph, but... yeah, Lyra is Transgender.

I've been super worried about the reveal since I started writing this story. While my other writings are very openly and loudly about transgender things, Lamentations of The Dead Dreamer is meant to be subtle and a slow bubble up to this. Lyra is a beautiful vibrant woman who deserves happiness, and I hope this doesn't change anyone's love for her story.

Her struggles and hardships are very near and dear to my own heart and soul, and I hope you stick around to read more.

"I was born wrong." I begin, turn my gaze to look out the window. My voice is… calm. Not the broken stuttering thing I expect when recalling old human things. "I've always been a girl, but I was born in the wrong body. In the body of a boy. The… the humans that birthed me did not treat me well after I told them. They… hurt me and… Eventually, they tried to kill me, and I had to run. I just barely survived them."

I'm pleasantly surprised by the small smile that creeps through as I get past that and remember the better parts. "A few weeks later my Fae mother found me, pulled me from the underbrush and raised me from there. She was wonderful. I... I remember screaming at her when she... when she called me a boy. And she never made that mistake again. Calls me her little girl now. She's... She's better than I deserved, both then and now."

"I would disagree with that." Awnya interrupts.

I jerk up in sudden panic and confusion. Is… Did I make a mistake in telling her? Will… is she going to–

"The young. They deserve happiness." She says with no smile or mirth. "Full stop, no exceptions. The parents are the ones who should accept that when they decide to mantle that responsibility."

A long pause… I just stare at her till she glances up. More parts deep inside shattering at her words. Is… will she accept this? Only my Fae mother ever… ever…

"Oh, sorry." She does smile again then, amber eyes sparkling, "I had to interrupt there. It needed to be said. The humans you mentioned sound lower than pond scum. I'm glad your mother found you and helped you shift into a form that reflects… well… you."

A deep weight falls off my shoulders, and I can't stop the tears from welling up then.

"I… yeah. Thanks." I whisper, furiously wiping at my eyes.

She nods. "Of course. It's… well it's kinda what's at the heart of being a Fae, I think."

My face must scream my confusion, because she continues. "Nature is very cruel sometimes. Fae parents often end up adopting the abandoned and injured young who suffer from that. Raise them to learn our songs and become like us, and in turn, they tend to do the same. At least in spirit."

My face be such a weird mix of wonder at her easy acceptance, and pain at my own thoughts. If that were true, why was it not for me? Why would Usete…?

"Sorry, I keep interrupting."

"You're okay." I have to continue wiping at tears so I can keep watching her pretty amber eyes. "You guessed at the rest. Usete, they… they came to visit after my final change. I was SO excited to meet my first Fae sibling. But... when I surprised them on the pathway, and they… they got really upset. They didn't even know about… about the part with my human, um… well the humans I ran away from. Or my first body being wrong. They still don't know. I... I'm not sure I could trust them with this."

My voice just… keeps getting quieter and quieter. "Anyway I… Mother told me to go play. Away from the shouting. But, I snuck back in and listened. Usete said they'd get the elders to fix her mistake. To… to… undo what she'd let me become. Take my songs and soul and perfect body."

She doesn't interrupt then, just reaches out to grasp my uninjured hand in support. It takes a bit to get to the next part. "She found me later… just, singing my sadness. Joined me. That was our last song before I had to leave."

Deep breaths.

"She told me I needed to run. Back to the Dead Dreamer's Wood." I laugh then, no joy to it. "I… I wouldn't go. So, she had to toss me over the edge. Like her mother did to her."

"Back?" Awnya asks after a few moments of silence pass.

"Huh?"

"Back to the Dreamer's wood? Like… you'd been there before?"

I nod. "I was wondering at its edges when she found me. She said my tracks showed that I'd passed in and out of it more than a few times."

"That's…" Awnya winces. "Huh…"

I take another steadying breath. "She… She also said that's why she didn't come to find me afterwards. That she knew I'd be safe in there, even if she wouldn't be."

"How long were you able to stay there for since?"

I shrug. "About twelve years. I only left because… um…"

Another long pause as I gather myself.

"We don't have to get this all out tonight." She whispers. "We can let you rest and–"

I shake my head. "I'd rather just… get this over with. Fix whatever is wrong with me so I can go back to Theradas."

"Lyra you're... You don't need fixing. Just healing and rest, and probably some love." She smirks.

I sigh, disagreement plain in the huff.

Then She gets us a refill of drinks, and I tell her how I came to meet Undreka, The Reavers, and Thendra. It takes longer than I expect, but... Her pretty eyes and confident smiles get me through it eventually.

"You want to get some food?" Awnya asks after a long enough silence has passed to ensure I am finished speaking. "Before you get some rest?"

It's so much easier to talk to her about my past. She'd only interrupted to agree when I asked if she wanted to sit on the ledge of the window's balcony so we'd catch the sunrise. I'd recounted the same tale I told my mother, but was able to move past it to tell Awnya the details of both my curses. About the song I'd wailed after placing it, and ended with Thendra taking me to Theradas. But… no further.

Awnya didn't interrupt or show anything more than steady contemplation.

"I… um…" I croak dryly, voice a bit raw from the night of talking.

She moves a hand over to hold mine, outshines the sunlight with her warm smile and radiant eyes. "Thank you for telling me that. I could tell it wasn't easy."

"Yeah…" I am too tired to feel much at the moment. "Thanks for… for listening."

She doesn't push me on it. "You can rest here if you like. There's food and drink when you're ready."

"I… okay. If you're going out can you tell my mother where I am?" I whisper, "I don't want her to… to think the worse. I want her to know that I wasn't mad about yesterday. Not at her. That I'm just trying to… to think things through."

"Of course." She helps me stand. "If it's alright with you, I'd like to ask her some questions too? Your childhood and time back?"

I nod as she leads me over to the little nook of a bed. I curl up and pass into oblivion.

I awaken to twilight, a silent humming, and the sound of my stomach growling.

I sit up and blearily wipe my eyes, and look up to see amber eyes meet mine from the table.

"Morning." Awnya hits me with a smile, ending the song.

I just stare back for a moment, trying to put my thoughts into order. To remember anything through the sudden flutter of… something In my chest. She's all cleaned up now. New outfit and hair in a neater bundle. Face clean, and I can't help but stare at the little feathers that press against her bare arms.

"Thanks for letting me sleep here." I finally whisper.

I look around, taking in the subtle sounds of the coming night. Surprised I slept the sun and day away. I... It's a better sleep than I had here in the Fae wood since... well...

"Of course." She motions to a tray with food on it. "Help yourself."

I accept the offer, and enjoy a quiet evening meal. She was twisting and weaving… something, from song and wood. But she doesn't begin anew after I sit. Just turns to watch the light fade.

"I wanted to ask if you'd come with me to tonight's festival."

I give her a sidelong look. My mother had told me about the Fae artists. Painters, singers, dancers, weavers, and love makers. Beings lost amidst art and passion who devoted their songs to the beauty of expression. Things I'd barely even been able to understand, but wanted so desperately to–

"We'll be a bit late, but we'll still catch most of it if we leave now."

"But… Why?" I hesitate. Confused as to the purpose of this?

"Some singers and dancers I think you'd really enjoy will be performing tonight." She stands.

I turn forward to look back out the window. Contemplating. Trying to balance the rising desire to go with… what? Guilt? At... at... At going to enjoy some dance and song instead of fighting to get back to Thendra?

She walks around the table, holds both hands out to me. "C'mon, you'll love it. I promise."

Her smile and eyes draw me into a long silence.

"Really? After what I told you. You.. you want to take me to see some… performances?"

"Sure!" She tilts her head. "Unless… Do you want to talk more about it right now?"

I carefully reach out and take her hand. "Not really."

Awnya presents me with fresh clothes, and leads me out onto the pathways.

It doesn't get her long to get me jabbering out questions. Wandering about Fae things and… well… of course I had to ask about her gorgeous fathers! She presented them to me, and said I could touch them without the slightest hesitation.

"Depends where I'm at, honestly." Awnya holds her hand perfectly still while I examine the feathers while we walk. Answering some questions about uses and environments.

"How so?" I don't even look up, totally enraptured by the cluster of vibrant and very very soft bundles she's letting me run my fingers through.

"If I can sing the wind to help out, then these just help me balance." The feathers flex and adjust, pressing into my fingers. "But that can be a pain past some rifts. Like.. If it's too cold, the sudden gust can freeze them, or if there's too much sand then I'll end up spending hours later trying to clean that out."

"So… what do you do then?"

"Quick and dirty rush of energy, basically adjust my body to run or jump harder depending on my need."

"Wow. That's–" I make the mistake of looking up into her eyes and freezing up.

She's smirking playfully.

I quickly glance away, trying to hide a rush of heat. But then I notice the glow ahead.

"Oh!" Her feathers fold back up into her and she turns her hand out, an offer. "It's just up there!"

I accept, and she leads me up over a final slope of the branch.

Ahead is another twisting of half a dozen bigger branches to form a large flat plateau. On it, at least a hundred circular things… have been sung from the branches and plants growing from it. An almost… pulsing, emits from it. Dozens of separate songs thrumming in a discordant, rhythmic symphony. Thousands more of those budding light plants tangle about the sight, glowing all different hues and vibrancy.

And that's not even the part that makes me stop in place in awe and fear.

Moving, flying, dancing and flitting about like ants over a nest, are the Fae themselves.

I… it's almost too much to even describe all the different shapes and colors. Each more unique than the last. Most wear weavings of creatures, both native to this forest and to ones beyond. A few wear some type of covering, but plenty more don't. Either displaying everything they are for any and all to enjoy.

"I… I'm not sure I…" I notice Awnya staring at me from the corner of my eye. She gives my hand a light squeeze, but doesn't try to move me.

"It's a lot, isn't it." She smiles.

I nod.

"Is it too much?"

"No. I just…"

I look over to her, hope for some ambient courage. "I don't belong down there." I whisper, give her what must be a sad smile.

She tilts her head, confused. "Huh?"

I sigh, look down at myself while my free hand runs through my hair. "I'm barely Fae. Especially without my songs."

"Heh… That's… Lyra, you're probably going to be the most Fae person down there. Besides maybe me."

I snort, look away. "I'm… I'm being serious. Compared to you… I'm just… I just look like some ugly human."

"You really think that?" She just… stares at me. I can meet her gaze for a few seconds before I turn back to stare down at the celebrations.

I shrug.

"First off… you're gorgeous, Lyra." She moves to step back into my vision. "Seriously, your work on this body is really amazing! I keep spotting Fae eyeing you with Jealousy, and even more than that."

I can feel the heat rising on my cheeks.

"Your hair is wonderful! Dark and soft, very perfect." She reaches out and gently pushes a lock that fell to cover a side of my face, "And I know this isn't… like… intentional…" She brings up the hand she holds, runs a finger over the numb darkness. "But… even I have to admit that you make this look good!"

"Stop!" I huff. "You don't need to–"

One finger, careful and quick, touches the bottom of my chin. Reflex makes me look up to lock eyes with her.

"And in the middle of it all… your eyes are just…" She just stares, smile gone. "Dreamers Tits, It's like you're trying to…"

She doesn't continue.

"What?" I whisper. "Like I'm trying to what?"

A pause, then she whispers. "Did you choose this color? This… hue? How do you even make them glow?"

I sigh, "No. It's just… I wanted green at first. But… Every few days they kept shifting. So I stopped bothering."

"Hm…" She pauses, thoughtful, then smirks. "Well… you'd be striking either way. But this looks really really good."

I take a deep breath. Fight down the blush. "Thanks, but… I still don't have all the changes other Fae have."

"Do you want them?"

I think about it. Surprised at my own thoughts I just let them pour out. "I don't know. Some look really fun and amazing. But…" I trail off. Can't form the correct words under her gaze.

"They don't feel like you." It's not a question. She gets it right away.

"Exactly."

"That's what makes you Fae!"

"How?" I shake my head. "Songs are… being able to sing and twist yourself on a whim… that's… Look, Awnya, almost everyone who's met me for the first time over the past month couldn't even tell I was Fae. Didn't even believe me at first when they were told."

She laughs at that. "That's not a bad thing, especially beyond the rifts. But to your first point, How is it more Fae to try and mimic the creatures of the forest, than it is to desire your body to simply be what you always wanted? Even if it is a gorgeous mostly human shape?"

I shrug.

"Dreamer's tits, I know it's more than you could have even imagined when you were young."

I sigh, nod. "Yeah."

"Fae don't dream of what we are, but of what we want to be." She takes my other hand, "Everyday you fight to be that, in every way you can, that's what makes you Fae."

She pulls, very gently, leading down the sloped path. "Especially since you were dreaming of it before you knew any songs."

That absorbs my thoughts as she pulls me toward the intoxicating whirlwind of light and music.

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