Chapter 21: Tarnished Promises

The home she walks me to is a small round space woven out of one of the great trees. It hangs lower than the lake or my mother's grove, and overlooks the forest below.

Only enough room inside for a little table, one single bed, and us.

My hand lays out over the table between us as Awnya weaves complex healing songs. After she's done with it she lifts my hand very gently and lets it sit in a little bowl of very cold water.

"I reset the bones and knit the talons best I could." She rises, heads over to some little cubbies in the back wall. "Can I get you any more to drink? Sure you don't want some food or…"

She glances back, I shake my head tiredly. She shrugs, grabs herself a few pinkish fruits and comes back to sit.

"So…" She prompts, "What's up?"

"Huh?"

She takes a bite of her fruit. "What's going on?"

"Didn't Usete tell you?"

She shrugs, "I'd like to hear it from you."

I sigh. "I… Look. I'm tired, Why not just…" I wave my uninjured hand and look away.

She taps the table with a finger in a little rhythm. "Because, What they want and what you want might be very different things."

I bite down on a dozen angry replies, settle for. "Dreamer's Tits."

She tilts her head in confusion.

"Still testing me. Still doesn't think I'm–"

"Lyra." She interrupts me, taps a finger on the wood. "Hey… hold up a second. I think I finally understand the problem."

I spare her a glare and angry reply, but keep my head turned to gaze out the window.

"Usete mentioned that you'd be…" She pauses when my eyes jerk over at the name. Restarts. "I think I'm starting to understand the shape of all this. Usete was a real shitwater in your past, and is only just now beginning to realize how much you're hurt by all that. Right?"

I look back to her, and nod, carefully nurturing the bubbling anxiety. "What, exactly, did they tell you? What do you and the other Fae elders know about me?"

She sighs, "This is a really bad way to start this."

"If you know anything about me, you should understand why I want to know who I'm dealing with."

Another bite, chews, swallows, never takes those golden eyes off me.

"Alright!" Her grin returns, "Moon and Stars, I knew you'd probably be a bit jumpy but–"

My glare must make her rethink that path of words, she chuckles and starts over.

"Usete came and asked me to act as the first Elder in this. Said it was an urgent healing request. I have experience in… injuries and damages that can be suffered beyond the rifts. As first Elder I work with you to identify what ails you and call on others if I can't alleviate your problems."

A pause.

"What else?" I press, "There is no way they left it at that."

She winces, "They didn't. But–" Looks to my expression, sighs. Then reclaims a bit of her grin. "They mentioned that your past with Fae other than your mother was… rough. That they overreacted to something very soon after your change and it led you to being isolated. They mentioned two Laments, one inert the other very active. Said it binds your songs. Told me you laid them both."

Another pause.

"And?"

She tosses the core of the fruit out into the forest below. "That you stir the Dream." Motions to my hands. "Described the symptoms and afflictions they'd seen. Mentioned you'd probably want to return to a bad life after we finish. Other than that? Just your description so I could find you."

I chew on that. Should I believe her? Do… Do I still want to trust Usete?

"What happens if your healing doesn't work? If I'm stuck stirring the Dream so long as I'm Fae?"

"So long as your Fae?" She tilts her head, "Do you plan on returning to your original form or something?"

"Never." I hiss.

That makes her… well not jerk back, but twitch. Smile falters. "Okay… I'm sensing some… pain there." She leans forward, "You want to talk about it?"

I huff, look away. "Does it matter?"

She motions toward my still healing hand. "You're Amwella is literally reverberating in ways that stir the dream. So… Yeah. I'd say it matters."

I flinch at that. Hated by this life. Will torture me until I–

"What do you want, Lyra?" She whispers, "I don't sense that you enjoy this. That you want to play at waking Her."

"I just… want to go back." I murmur. "To where Usete found me."

"To Theradas, right?" She presses.

I nod.

"Hm… kinda a nasty place. Who's waiting there for you?"

Thendra.

I sigh. "You didn't answer my questions."

She smirks, "Clever. Couldn't distract you for long."

I channel all my tired annoyance as we meet eyes again.

She raises a hand in surrender. "Alright. Alright! But there… there isn't much of an answer. You're obviously in pain, and not just from those curses. Kinda a… a big tree ready to fall. We can either stabilize you, or just… get out of the way. Let you come crashing down in a way that minimizes the damage to yourself and others."

I shake my head. "Not good enough. I want to know exactly what you will do if this doesn't work. If I tell you to go jump off a tree and just try to open more rifts?"

She sighs. "I'd follow. Be there to help heal you if you keep failing. Keep an eye on you. Try to encourage you to let me or someone else help. And if you look ready to… to collapse. To sing something that will cause an awakening event..." She shrugs. "I'd try to stop you. Help deal with whatever pain has caused it."

I stare at her, words not making sense to me.

"Not like… you won't try and take my songs?" I whisper. "You won't try and force me to… to try and twist me back into my old body?"

That cracks the remains of her grin. Real disgust, and worry covers her face. "I… No. Dreamer's Tits and Teeth no! That's… what? Who even made you think that was a possibility?"

I try to study her, to read if she's just trying to keep me calm.

"Is that… Oh that's what Usete meant?" She snarls. "Is that why you lived alone after your change? They suggested you should be… Like… unwoven? But just back into your old form? Song's and spark muffled?"

I just nod.

"But… Why?" She hisses, such real and vibrant anger in her voice. "I've met your mother. She's a bit of a spitfire, but nothing to suggest she could or would…" she motions to my hands. "Encourage this, provoke a stirring like what you're dealing with."

I turn to look outside. "She's wonderful. Better than I deserve."

A long pause. Awnya gets more fruit, chews them with a furious anger. "What were those absolute Dreamer Blighted Cunts thinking? Plenty of us are found abandoned or neglected in the forest. We grow up fine."

I just stare at her, fighting back tears at her… at someone not thinking I deserved the agony and pain. That… that maybe I should have had some measure of happiness. But... It's just because she doesn't know. The moment she hears about my past...

She looks back to me, anger cooling as she sees my tears. "What got Usete so worked up over you?"

I… I want to trust her. A pang of guilt at her kindness despite my horrid nature makes me speak without much consideration. "I was human."

Confusion. Cold fear begins to roll through me as I realize my mistake, I glance down and away. She just thinks it's impossible, just… give her a second to adjust and she'll… she'll hate me like all the rest. Try to convince me to just... give up everything I am. Live is misery for a life that hates me. Won't even give me a good death like Th–

"O… kay." She replies, tossing another fruit out the window. "Not sure how your mother even could manage to teach you Fae Songs and magic, but sure. And?"

I jerk up, her casual acceptance breaking something. Golden eyes suddenly a haunting center to a collapse of deep fears and pains. I almost hiss... But… stifle everything going on inside so I can attempt to reply.

"I– I was…" I stammer, but… can't get the words out. Images and memories flash through my tired mind. Shame. Shouting. Running. Running. Running. Pain. Shame, more shouting… then… so much pain. Then… alone as uncounted tendrils of cold despair consumed me.

She sighs, sits back at the table to study me. "Hmm… people thoughts, before becoming Fae could muck things up a bit. Cause a stir. But stable and loving care will settle it. Same as everything else."

"I… I wasn't just abandoned." I force out. Can't stop my stuttering as old human aches and memories begin to overwhelm me. "I… my… the humans I belonged to tried to kill me. Th– they hurt me. A lot. B– beating and shouting and… and then they…"

She nods, but reaches across the table to try and calm me. "Alright. Do you think it was your fault? It totally wasn't, but we should start there if you do."

"Um…" I pull my numb hand from the cold water and away from her touch. Old memories causing even that kind gesture to seem a threat. "Maybe? I– I guess I do. Because it… it was! I was… wrong. Born wrong. I was really messed up. Th– they had a right to be upset when I told them."

Why am I telling her this?

"Born… Wrong? How?" She tilts her head in confusion. "And… Lyra that… that's absolutely not an excuse to hurt anyone. Especially a child."

I don't answer. After a few long beats she asks. "You want something to eat? Maybe a drink?"

She rises as I look up to her. Getting the words out should be easier. But… What if this is her limit? What if she reacts like… like my… like the humans did? Or Usete at me being human all those years ago?

Raised eyebrows in question. I nod. She just gives me a wonderful grin. It helps. But I can't get the Dreamer Blighted words out. She comes back with cool springtree water and a plate of fruits and bread, and lets me nibble in silence.

"Hey Lyra?" She eventually murmurs.

I can barely look up to meet her glowing amber eyes. "I didn't say this earlier, but I should have and I'm sorry." She reaches out, touches a hand now that a calm seems to have settled over me.

I pause, focus on her. Her eyes and soft smile sing of encouragement so I don't pull my hand away, but I still tense up.

"This is your life, and while I will need to step in if disaster is literally about to occur, you are safe with me. I'm not going to let anyone force a change on you that you don't want. We're going to do this at your speed. Okay?"

I give her a slow nod. Wanting so so badly to believe her.

"If you'd like to be done for tonight, just let me know." She smiles, all warmth and confidence. "You can stay here with me, or go back to your mother's grove. You can walk alone, or I can come with you. It's your decision. We'll talk again when you're ready. No sooner."

"I…"

The thought of another night alone bothers me so much. "Would… Would you take me back to Theradas?" I whisper as warm thoughts of spiced distraction roll through me. Of just ignoring all this forever.

"Ah…" She winces, but doesn't lose that smile. "No. Sorry."

I huff a sigh of annoyance as I look down at my still injured hand. I should have known that would be her answer. But… I still nurture a bit of bitterness. "I thought you said this was my life. That you'd–"

"I won't physically stop you from trying to riftwalk." She clarifies. "But… I wouldn't leave you alone either. Would totally try and talk you out of it the entire time. Pester you and such!"

I huff. A mix of annoyance… and… an odd and uncomfortable relief washing through me. At… at having to stay with this kind amber eyed Fae. One insisting she wants to help me. Even if she'll hate me as soon as she knows. Usete certainly would If I told them about the rest of my past.

She leans an elbow on the table, "I'll just… need to know more before I make any big moves here. I don't want to drop you back into a bad place that'll push you toward more pain."

I take a deep breath, allow my mind to fixate on the future I hope this will bring. "Okay."

"Okay?"

"I want to get through this quickly." I whisper. "Get back to Theradas as soon as possible."

I take a deep breath, grit my teeth, and focus on the words that nearly got me killed the last time I spoke them.

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