29: End

PORSCHE

"Please leave."

"Porsche! Come out right now!"

Tem and Kinn's voices were overlapping each other outside of the room. Tem tried to yell at him not to enter. As for Kinn, he kept talking nonsense and called for me.

He sounds familiar but different in a way. I haven't heard him speak like this, curse and shout for a long time. Just the knowledge that he is standing a few feet away from me makes my heart weak. The tingling sensations running up my chest are making me uncomfortable. Just the sound of his voice, why am I reacting like this?

I got startled when the bedroom door was smashed hard. The thought of Kinn's face that has been lingering on my mind briefly disappeared. The feeling of concern immediately aroused. I am not yet ready to face him right now.

I don't want to see his face. I don't want the feelings to return. I don't want to feel anything anymore.

"Porsche! I know you're in there!"

He shouted angrily. I bit my lips tightly and tried to take a deep breath, reigning all the emotions as deeply as possible.

"Khun Kinn! I'll call the guards. Please get out!"

Tem continued to intervene with Kinn's voice, angered as well.

"Come out and let's talk about it!"

The knock on the door was as loud as the sound of Kinn's mouth.

"You thought of leaving the house without telling me huh?"

His voice was laced with pain and I couldn't help but felt hurt as well. Why would you care? This past week, you acted as if I didn't exist. Then what do you expect me to do? Where will I be? You expect me to stay and see you play with someone else other than me?

"Khun Kinn, I told you to leave!"

"Then you escaped, go out with Vegas! What did I tell you? Have you forgotten?"

I got up from the bed and stood facing the door in frustration as he spoke those words. I wanted to open the door so much. See his face, tell him that I didn't do anything with Vegas. I didn't think of Vegas like that. Tell him that I have never thought of anyone more than him. But I couldn't. I am too damaged from the past events and I need to heal myself.

"What's going on?" A third voice rang out.

"Earth, come, help me! Khun kinn, that's enough. Get out!"

A loud bang sounded from outside and it got me completely worried. But my heart still didn't dare to open the door to see its face right now.

"What did you do with Vegas?!"

"Damn it, Kinn! If you do something with my friend, I'm going to beat you!" I shouted as I felt my patience run out.

"Then come out!"

"What do you want?"

Our voices seemed very close with only the wooden door between us. I swallowed hard in my throat. My heart began to tremble as the turmoil inside me started to boil. I am so thankful for the door between us.

"Let's go home!"

"I am not going back with you! Get out!" I yelled loud and clear.

"I won't let you leave!" He shouted back in anger.

"I'm leaving! I resign!" I don't understand why he kept pushing me to stay when all this time he showed me clearly what I am to him.

"Khun Kinn, I'm calling the guards!"

"The owner of the house asked you to leave. Get out, don't let me do it." A deep voice threatened Kinn that I had a sudden urge to go out and look out for him. No one is allowed to hurt Kinn!

Why the fuck I still care?

"Do you dare? If you really dare, come on!" Kinn didn't seem to be afraid of anything else. I have no idea who it was. He sounded so dangerous that it made me nervous.

"Kinn, get out of here now."

I interrupted before any fights collided. I wanted to hurry and get him out of here. I couldn't stand it. If I had to walk out and make sure that he was leaving unscratched, I would do it.

"Not until you come back with me!"

(Just let's give some space for now, for fuck sake!)

"Porsche, don't come out! Let him go crazy!" Tem's voice rang out.

I stood by the door holding the knob. For a moment I wanted to go out and face him. But my legs were as hard as my heart was cowardly. How much more could I hate myself?

"I told you to leave!"

"I'm not going!"

"I hate you bastard!" I kicked the door so hard. I felt so pissed that the stubborn Kinn wouldn't listen to me.

"I hate you asshole! I don't want to see your face! What are you going to do, force me? I won't go back. If I wanted to resign, why would you care? Huh?" I yelled back and let out my emotions until I felt tired. Like crazy! I'm still a fool, like a madman.

He shouted through the wall. Shouting through the door that was blocking me from Kinn is useless. This was no different from what I am feeling right now. No matter how much I think about it, the distance between us was so tall and thick to cross.

"What's going on brother?" An old man's voice asked from outside.

"Take him away phi. He invades other people's rooms and destroys things."

"Brother, if you don't want to get out of here, I will call the police."

"Woah! Okay. Run away however you want. But you can't escape me, Porsche. Remember that!"

I heard footsteps stepping away until the door slammed close. I think Kinn has given up on the situation and got out of here. I breathe in a sigh of relief. After a while, I opened the door and met Tem's eyes full of concern. And the person named Earth as well, he was also negotiating with the guard.

"I'm sorry." I immediately apologized as I saw the book stand, desk, and some belongings scattered all over the place. I felt extremely guilty for putting my friend in this kind of situation.

"Is he a mad dog?" Tem asked angrily as he stooped down to collect his stuff on the floor. I also rushed over to help him.

"Is there any damage?" I asked worriedly if something was damaged, I would pay for it. Because I caused this chaos.

"If ever that youngster came back, and if there's anything you might need, just call me downstairs." The guard said before bowing his head and walking out of the room.

"The story of the husband and wife, why am I getting dragged into this?"

I turned around and looked at the familiar figure, which I saw before making out in front of Tem's room. Earth, the guy next door who always curses and has frequent love affairs, was standing with his arms crossed, his shoulders leaning against the wall in a relaxed manner. Then he looked alternately between me and Tem.

"It's fine now, go and leave!" Tem stubbornly pushed the guy out of the room.

"Your friend should have a good conversation with his husband. Or is it your husband? Or wife?"

What the fuck? I bet I have never felt the urge to kill some stranger before more than this moment.

"Shut your mouth Earth! Get out!"

Tem stood between us with his hands on his waist while Earth smiled brightly at me. He walked closer with a smirk on his face that my knuckles started to itch.

"Then, if you're the wife, you can use some friends here. If you want to change your husband, I'm free." He winked at me once and I instantly snapped. My feet flew towards his face but Tem hurriedly came in between and pulled me away from Earth. Then forcibly pushed the bastard out of his room.

"Tem! Hey! It hurts." He patted Tem's head lightly.

"Not my friend, get out!"

Tem grabbed Earth's hair and dragged the bastard then using his feet, he kicked the neighbor's ass before closing the door. I saw Earth's shadow sending me a mini heart using his fingers while the door was closing and I stood there stunned.

Damn! If I have the energy to go out, I will beat him to a pulp!

"Don't pay attention to that fucker, he's crazy." Tem said, taking a deep breath.

"I want to kick his face, but without him, I'm afraid Kinn might have hurt you. So I am thankful anyway." I said.

Though the neighbor is flirty bothersome, he saved some ass by being nosy.

"Kinn seems so jealous but, did you go out with Vegas this evening?" Tem walked over to collect his stuff on the floor while raising his eyebrows and asked me who came to sit beside him and help.

"Uhm, I don't know what's going on in that bastard's mind to act so crazy," I said without thinking. Until he stilled and silenced.

"So, is he jealous?"

"People like him don't get jealous. Maybe he was afraid of me and Vegas working together to burn their house down. That's why he's paranoid." I pursed my lips together and then thought to myself about the words that I just said.

"Okay, I will try to believe that. So what are you going to do next?"

"I'm going to quit," I said sternly, my heart fluttering for a moment. But I'm serious this time. Because I can't look at Kinn's face the same way anymore as if nothing happened.

THE NEXT DAY

Today, I went to the University a little earlier because there would be a sporting event to connect with other universities so it was not crowded like usual. Students with different uniforms were seen walking by, and outsiders were seen mingling with each other. The classes were suspended because the event was quite big. There were parades, food stalls, and cheerleaders coming to compete.

My team was quite busy because it was the hope of all the sports competitions. I will compete in taekwondo, judo, and kendo despite the little time to practice, but the seniors trusted me to be the first to compete.

Tem was in the swimming competition as Jom was in football. In the morning we were busy with the opening program at the stadium. But the three of us came to meet and look for something to eat because once the competition started in the afternoon through the evening, there wouldn't be enough time for us to even open our eyes.

"Awesome!"

The Jom narrowed his eyes at the college girls passing by. I have to admit that it's quite pleasant to the eyes to see some new faces to keep my mind refreshed. I opened my mouth to accept the meatballs the bastard was feeding me when my eyes swept around and was surprised to see that I might not be selling only to the girls. Men tend to look at me more as well. If the looks were normal, I wouldn't mind. But those were strange looks and flirty smiles.

"Since Porsche has a strong male pheromone, those weak faces look like they are going to eat you." Jom still believed that I am the husband. The bastard Tem laughed so hard that I squinted my eyes looking in the direction they pointed.

By the looks of the guy, I knew that he was gay and probably was open about it. He looked small and fragile while looking at me sweetly. If I couldn't come to like back girls, I could turn to be a husband right?

"What are you doing?" All of a sudden Tem put his hand on my arm then laid his head on my shoulder and rubbed it impulsively. I felt goosebumps and was extremely disgusted.

"Stop it! I'm having goosebumps!" I hurriedly pulled my arm away as Tem laughed out loud.

"How is your daydreaming? Thinking of being a husband? Don't even dare. You can't." The bastard laughed. How did he know what I was thinking?

"How do you know?"

"Your face said it out loud. You can't stop looking like you're going to devour the bastard."

I let out a deep breath. I don't even know what I'm looking at, but my eyes are stuck on the person. Just now, I'm thinking about it and enjoying myself. What the fuck?

"Why? Can't he be my wife?" I pretend to tease the bastard that puked instantly.

"No! I can't take it! The two of you?" Jom came back from buying some water and overheard what I said. His face turned pale and looked like someone who was about to die.

"Eh, stop talking. I'm going to puke. Over there, Phra Rong is walking. A supporting character like me must dodge." He nodded in the direction of the newcomer who waved his hand in the distance.

"Vegas is the legendary monk? And who is the protagonist? Jom turned to Vegas then at me and asked Tem.

"You talk a lot. Shut up!" Tem cursed at him and covered his mouth with meatballs. Just in time as

Vegas stopped in front of me. "Good morning!" Vegas was wearing a competitor's uniform today.

"Hello, you look dashing." Tem teased Vegas that today he looked quite neat, I have to admit he looks good.

"I have to be handsome, how else can I fight the people around here?" Vegas replied jokingly.

"So, who are you cheering for? Between yourself and this one?" Tem smiled brightly at Vegas when his gaze landed towards me and spoke harshly.

"No matter what team you are on, my heart is always with you." Vegas grinned widely and looked very proud of his rant. I secretly twitched, smiled and giggled in a daze. I saw Jom's face make a puking gesture.

"We've come to eat. Do you want to get something?" I asked until Vegas raised his eyebrows and looked surprised. It's nothing but a form of distraction. I'm embarrassed of him for acting coy just now.

"Let's go." He said hurriedly, his eyes were sparkling. He seemed satisfied with what I said and looked grateful for it.

We walked for a long time looking for a simple food stall at the market. Until they bought everything that they wanted. They sat at the wooden table and started managing the food in front of them.

"Would you like some water? I'll go buy it for you." Vegas offered.

"No, thanks. I'll go buy myself." I said timidly. It's not your concern at all, dammit!

All the food was paid for. When I picked up the money to pay by myself, he would stop me every time. Rich show-off!

"It's okay, I'll go now."

"Ugh, okay." I replied. Honestly, I'm too lazy to walk. Sorry to bother you Vegas. Why did you pamper me like this? If you do this, I might get used to it.

Like Kinn! Fuck, stop!

"Oh well, you don't even have to wiggle yourself to do anything." Jom said as he glared at me.

"Bastard Vegas isn't that bad after all. He could take care of you." Tem said looking at the retrieving figure of Vegas as I couldn't help but shrug my shoulders.

Well, Vegas was good, yes. What's not good was that I understood the reason why he was doing this and even though it seems that I'm not protesting, I don't feel anything for him at all.

I didn't feel good, but I didn't feel bad either. It's more of a flat line and it's completely different from Kinn where I tend to feel from nothing to the point where I lose myself. Kinn could be a piece of shit but deep down, I wanted that better because I could show my inner self.

"Look."

Tem suddenly swept his look around the market and his brows furrowed with an annoyed expression on his face. It called out to Jom as well as me until I saw what he was looking at.

"Those were Kinn's friends." I immediately choked when I saw Time, Tae, and Mew who were wearing the same uniform as Vegas. They were walking around the market but I didn't see Kinn's shadow. Just seeing his group of friends made my heart flutter.

I'm nervous, damn! Will he appear out of nowhere?

I jumped out of the chair, but at the same time, Vegas walked in with the drinks. I was about to turn around and get out of here when I bumped on the soda that he was holding until it spilled over the student uniform that I borrowed from phi Beam.

"Hey, Porsche! I'm sorry!"

Vegas put the half-filled glass on the table before reaching out for a handkerchief from his pocket and wiped the liquid from my shirt. I looked down at myself slowly. Dark-brown liquid ran down on the right side of the shirt until it was completely soaked on the edge.

"It's okay. No one's gonna look anyway." I said before pushing Vegas' hands and pulling the shirt away from my body to prevent the cold and stickiness from touching my body.

"You can go to the washroom first, I'll go buy some tissue for you." Tem said then ran towards the convenience store.

"I'll take you to the bathroom." Vegas said, pulling my arm towards the bathroom so Jom had to compromise and be left behind to guard our things on the table.

Today, I even put on a white shirt but fuck! Now it's brown. There's no rule to wear a polo and students could put on anything like sportswear. But mostly, they prefer student uniforms, but I didn't go home so I have no choice. It must be karma. And then fate came just in time.

The nearest toilet was quite crowded, but I didn't care much. As soon as I reached the countersink, I immediately unbuttoned my shirt. Vegas looked at me in shock, stunned, and stared at me incredulously.

Before I could go any further, he hurriedly grabbed my hand that was about to unbutton the last one on my uniform.

"There's a lot of people here." Vegas looked around as people began to look and paid attention to what I was going to show.

What the fuck?

"They were all men." I said thoughtlessly. 

Why would I be embarrassed when I could go swimming with just a boxer on, showing both legs and chest to half of the university people but still feel nothing?

"No, come here." Vegas said in a deep voice, then immediately pulled me into the bathroom cubicle and closed it.

Wait! What are you planning to do?!

"Ugh, I can do it alone. Can you go out first?" I pointed at Vegas, putting pressure on it to visually tell him to leave.

Just now, taking off my shirt felt more awkward than doing it outside. We are in a narrow place and he kept staring at me strangely. Do you think I will dare to continue? You're crazy!

"There's no other men here." Vegas said smiling. But it's not funny! I want him to leave because I'm feeling uncomfortable.

This is a risky situation! I've been in this with Kinn before so I didn't dare trust anyone!

"Get out!" I said fiercely this time.

Do you think I would take it off? I am not an idiot. I admit I have been stupid with Kinn but it won't happen again.

"Okay. Okay." Vegas raised his hand but still couldn't stop himself from laughing. I grabbed my unbuttoned shirt and held them together as Vegas unlocked the door and started to move out.

"Lend me the handkerchief too." Vegas handed me the handkerchief before leaving. I reached out to receive and he glared at me one last time that I have to shout out.

"Go on!" He nodded and then actually walked away. But as soon as he stepped out, he suddenly stopped in his steps and called that one name I didn't want to hear. I was shocked that I couldn't react right away so I stood stiffly. I wasn't sure if I was hearing it right.

"Khun Kinn."

Vegas said quietly and in a split second, Kinn's face appeared in front of me. He was wiping his wet hands with a tissue. It seemed like a coincidence that we met here.

What the actual fuck?!

"What are you doing?"

His cold voice penetrated through my bones and I trembled from the chill. His face was unreadable as his eyes looked at me from head to toe. My knuckles tightened at my half-opened and crumbled clothes. It didn't take me a second to guess what he was thinking. Vegas and I stood silently, unknowing what to say.

"Porsche!"

As soon as he stepped forward, I quickly closed the door and bolted in. I leaned my back against the wall and felt my heart skip a beat. I have been trying to keep it in check since morning but now it seems to lose its track.

"Open it!"

"Khun Kinn, we are at school." Vegas jumped in.

"So what were you doing?"

"What is wrong Khun Kinn? Why are you so angry?"

"I asked what you were doing!"

"Well, it's up to you what you wanted to think." My brows furrowed at his answer. Vegas' voice suddenly turned sharp and I was surprised.

"Damn you Vegas!"

"Hey, Kinn! We are at University! Calm down!" I heard the voices of Time along with Kinn's friends who rushed into the bathroom.

"You bastard Vegas! What game are you playing with me?"

"So, is it fun?" The challenging tone was different from the bright and cheerful Vegas that I have known. My forehead furrowed as I intensely listened to the exchange of words from the outside.

"Let's go out Kinn."

"Damn it! You and I are not yet finished."

"Let's do it in time then."

"Enough Vegas! Go out, Kinn!"

I could feel the chaos outside. I heard everything clearly and didn't understand a single bit. I honestly wanted to leave but I'm afraid that it won't end here. For a moment everything went silent and seemed to return to normal. I sat on the toilet lid for a long time, calming myself down and thought of ways on how to deal with my situation.

"Are you okay?"

As soon as I came out of the bathroom, Tem, Jom, and Vegas were waiting for me in the hallway.

"You need to go back to the gym." Vegas walked over and patted me on the shoulder lightly.

"If there is anything you might need, call me. Then in the afternoon, I will go and cheer for you."

I nodded and parted with Vegas, whose face looked worried. I took my bag from Tem then the bastard sent me to the gym. My mind was shattered from the events earlier. Kinn always influenced my mental state. The constant pressure of him forcing on me stressed the hell out of me and I'm afraid that these feelings would affect today's competition.

I changed into my Kendo uniform. I closed my eyes for a moment to meditate and get rid of Kinn's face that was embedded in my head. 

I wanted to apologize to myself for being so weak. Sorry for hurting myself again and again by thinking about him. I'm sorry for pretending that I'm okay even though I'm not.

Inside I am traumatized that it was almost unbearable. I had to always suppress my feelings and I had no idea when they would explode. And please don't let it be soon because everyone who was cheering on the sides of the court has high hopes for me.

"Patchara Kittisawat from University xxx."

Upon hearing my name, I walked into the center of the gym and tried to make my head as clear as possible. When the competition started, I knew I wasn't doing very well. I tried to concentrate and forget about Kinn's face that was on my mind but I really couldn't. He was stuck in there.

"Concentrate!" Phi Beam shouted. 

The competition continued. Even though I won, the score was not very satisfying. Throughout the day, I alternated between warm-ups and games.

There was no result of any winning round. They were only narrow and nearly lost several times.

"Concentrate, Porshe! You seem like floating. Did you sleep?" Phi Beam handed me water and a cold towel. 

The afternoon and Final tournament was Judo. I changed into my uniform and warmed up on the side. Judo is what I do best, if I couldn't do it well then it's not because I lack talent but because I couldn't focus well on what I am doing.

I glanced at the seats and Vegas waved back at me along with Jom and Tem. The swimming race must be over so they came to cheer for me in the final round as well. When the referee gave the signal, I walked to face my opponent, bowed my head slightly, and started the match. Everything went as I thought. There were times when I was able to lock in and tried to finish the game quickly several times. But my competitor was good at it as well so I have to give it my best.

Cut the flow of thoughts in the brain and took a quick stance to attack the opponent in front of me.

But at the same moment, something flashing caught the corner of my eye and distracted my attention towards the door. A familiar tall figure walked with his friends. Kinn, with his arms crossed, stood there looking at my game and I tensed.

I lost my concentration and that gave my opponent a chance to lift and throw me back to the ground. It's a 100% knockout that makes the opponent win immediately. I closed my eyes still, sighing tiredly. I finally lost. And I also admit that I really lost. Lost in letting the obsessive emotions take over the mind again.

"I'm sorry." I apologized to the seniors as soon as I left the field. Phi Beam and the fourth year seniors seemed disappointed.

But he came to console me anyway. I felt so bad about myself because I caused the loss. It has a big impact on our faculty and I am the one to blame as I couldn't manage my emotions well enough, so everyone was probably disappointed in me and the outcome right now.

With all the pressure I had all day, I sat in the locker room alone in exhaustion. Others began to move out of the gym to watch the traditional sports such as football that was the highlight of the event. Two of my friends also excused themselves as Jom had to prepare to compete.

I sat there with my Judo uniform still on without the slightest urge to move and wiggle out of it and change clothes.

"Porsche!" A deep voice called from behind. I quickly turned in shock as I remembered that tone very well.

"Hurry up and go home." Kinn walked towards me, his face was unreadable.

I didn't answer and got up from the chair. I stood still and stared at him. Everything around me seemed to stop. My legs couldn't move even though I knew Kinn had stopped a few inches from me. His hand grabbed my arm and pulled me towards him.

"Why are you running away from me?" Kinn yelled at my face until I gathered all the strength I had left, flicked his hand, and stepped away from him.

(Let him have at least a piece of mind for a while, Kinn :( Poor Porsche )

"Let me go!"

"Why are you running away from me?" He stepped forward once again. My body automatically stepped backward until my back crashed into the locker.

"Back off!" I leaned against his chest with full force but I have next to nothing strength left.

"Why? Can't I be close to you now? Can't I hold you anymore? Or was it Vegas? You're not allowing me to touch you?!"

I looked at Kinn angrily. The stinging sensation in my heart returned and it immediately put me ablaze. I seemed to be in a daze. Both his words and his voice, when have I last seen his face this close? A week? Two?

Why in the fucking hell did I miss him?

The thundering feelings that had been at rest for the last week have returned once again. Damn!

"What are you talking about?" I yelled back.

I realized how dark his face was. He didn't care about the incidents where he had hurt me. He only cared about blaming me and focused on his feelings. If you came to think that Vegas and I have something going on, I am speechless.

"Hey, you think I'm stupid? That I can't even see what you guys are doing?"

I clenched my fists. In the end, Kinn was still the same fucker who never knew me. He had no idea what kind of person I am. I guessed right, people like him wouldn't care about how someone like me would feel right now. I gritted my teeth and stared at the sneering eyes that looked back at me with contempt.

"Is it so unbearable that you couldn't stand it anymore and have it taken over at the university?" He walked over again and squeezed my body tightly. His face was red from anger, his tone was sharp and eyes pierced through me that I couldn't stand.

"Kinn!" I fearlessly pushed his chest.

"Don't think I'm stupid by saying that you have nothing to do with Vegas!"

"Oh yes! You are stupid! Stupid of thinking that other people are like you!"

My patience snapped and I grabbed him by the collar and held it with trembling hands.

"What kind of me are you trying to say?"

Just the defiant look on his face gives me so much pain. You bastard! How dare you deny it?! How could you hurt me like this?! He stood still, not even trying to defend himself. He let me tug at his collar with full force. The eyes that I used to think and used to stop me in my tracks every time, today it's empty. I stared at him until I felt dizzy.

"I didn't do it around like you!" Even though I yelled at him, the uncontrollable trembling of my voice was there.

"I didn't say that you did it around. I said you did it with Vegas!" His tone and the way he said it was so insulting that I exploded. It's too much Kinn.

"You want me to do it, right? Huh?!"

I threw Kinn's body into the ground before raising my hand to punch him and release the contained frustration that has been on my heart for several days.

"You've already done it!" He continued shouting. His gaze stared at my fist held in mid-air before taking the challenge. He held me by the hair and relentlessly challenged me.

"Damn! If I do it, will I be satisfied? If I do that, you'll be satisfied and stop messing with me right?"

I finished biting my lip tightly. No matter how hard he wanted to get out of my grip, his entire body began to tremble, he didn't have enough strength to push me off of him.

"I'll stop messing around. You don't have to worry about it."

My heart squeezed so tight that I felt the pain all over my chest. The hands that were in mid-air were clenched together more tightly than before. I was so angry at myself for wanting to punch him in the face with all my might after his hurtful speech.

But I couldn't and I vented my anguish by slamming my fist against the ground just inches away from his face. I punched so hard that it immediately bled. I couldn't hurt him.

Why the fuck I didn't want to hurt him even though he was hurting me now?

It hurt so much as I have never felt before.

How many times has it been? When will I learn my lesson? Fuck! When it hurts like this, then let me hurt the most both physically and mentally. And I want to stop this pathetic encounter!

"So, stop messing around with me!" I couldn't stop my emotions any longer. The capacity of my chest that has been trying to swallow everything has gone to its limit. Now it gradually dissipated as tears began to flow until Kinn's face became blurry in my vision.

My fist hit the ground so hard that I felt the liquid seeped out but strangely, I was numb and didn't feel the pain as the anguish in my heart was more severe.

"Porsche! What are you doing?!" Kinn said in shock. He hurriedly grabbed my fist and prevented me from

hitting the ground repeatedly.

"Why do you care about me?" I tried to shake off my arm away from him but Kinn held it tight.

"Porsche, what the hell are you doing?" Kinn looked at me in shock. Tears were flowing down my face and I don't care anymore.

This is embarrassing!

"Stop messing with me. Just because you saw me in Vegas, or was it because of Tawan? Or Marsh? Or was it because you got bored of me?"

I didn't want to be like this at all but in my mind right now, it felt like someone had put ten knives in my chest. This exact scene was the reason why I don't want to talk to him or see his face directly. Because I will be this weak around him then I will feel defeated again and again.

Then what? Let him mock my feelings? I don't want to see you. I don't want you to see me like this. I have always known that facing you would end up like this. I've been trying to escape all this time.

"Porsche."

"I've had enough, idiot! You can do it with anyone Kinn. You can hurt my feelings no matter what but don't come looking down on me. Don't accuse me of doing it with anyone else! Don't underestimate my feelings!"

The tears that had been held back for a long time flowed like there's no tomorrow in front of the person I didn't want to see the most. I folded my face against his chest slowly. Because he locked my arm and I have no strength left to fight him, I just buried my face into his shirt and let the tears flow.

This scene is terribly disgusting but I couldn't help it. I didn't want him to see me crying like a cow so I just hide my weakness. All my life, I rarely cried and it was so hard for make me to cry, but I shed tears for this stupid bastard. Not just once! And I couldn't fucking stop!

"Porsche- I..." Kinn put his arms around me. Wanting to brush it off. I didn't want him to touch me but I couldn't stop him. I lost all my strength when I saw his face and as well as my control.

"If you're bored of me, just tell me. One word. And I'll stop." My voice trembled until it was uncontrollable. I tried to swallow the lump in my throat so I wouldn't appear more pathetic.

"I'm not bored"

"Aren't you bored? I'm asking you seriously, Kinn. Why did you deceive me? How does it make you feel? Are you satisfied seeing me like this?"

"..."

"The thing between us, what was it?"

"..."

"What am I to you?"

Each word became more and more difficult to say. It hurts. It hurt so much that I couldn't stand it anymore. It was more painful than before. Instead of answering so that it will be cleared, Kinn kept quiet. The pain seeping through my chest doubled.

"..."

"A reliever to your loneliness? Wait for Tawan to come back, right?"

Finally, I have admitted at this point that what Kinn showed me from the beginning was just his way to vent the loneliness and pain in his heart that Tawan caused. As for me, I am just a tool to ease his sadness. Because when Tawan came back, I have to go. Like now. I thought he liked me too. I am just a replacement!

"No." Kinn murmured softly and wrapped me in his arms even tighter.

"..."

I let my feelings flow as much as I want. This would be the last time that I would be doing this, this would be the last time I would act stupidly.

"Porsche. Let's go home." Kinn reached out and patted my head gently. But it couldn't relieve my pain right now. I took a deep breath, gathered all my courage to ask the thing I wanted to know the most.

"Have you ever loved me?" I bit my lip tightly after asking the stupid question. 

The answer was clear from the day I decided to walk out and I don't know what kind of response I was hoping for but the silence that followed strengthened my suspicion. I was right all along.

"..."

"Then let me go. I'm begging you, don't bother coming around anymore. Stop worrying about me. Just stop."

The pleading sentence made me sob even more. This time, I really had enough. I hate the weak Porsche. I hate those people who were crazy about stupid things like love and I hate myself for being one of them.

Kinn sat up instead and had me straddled on his lap then hugged me tighter. My face was still buried in his chest.

I don't want to be near him, I don't want him to touch me, I don't want to smell that familiar scent of his body because it makes me sadder and regret it over and over again.

I am never enough for this person. I honestly said that I opened up for him and felt what it really was like to love someone aside from my brother. In just a short time, I depended on him emotionally and I felt betrayed. The belief in the love I had once, has now faded.

"Let's go home and talk."

"No please Kinn, I beg you." I tried to gather my thoughts and pushed myself out of Kinn's arms. The hug that I wanted so much before, today, I hate it.

It wasn't warm nor did it feel like before. I was in so much pain that my heart went numb. And I don't think it will come around anytime soon.

"Porsche, let's go home and talk." He pulled away and looked at me with shocked eyes. His eyes flickered for a moment until I couldn't stand the way he was looking at me. He leaned down and kissed my forehead gently. I had to shake my face away from him.

"Release me! Release me. I won't take it anymore."

If he's doing it out of pity, I don't want it even more. I have no idea how ugly I looked with all these tears stained on my face but I didn't care anymore. I didn't care how my state made him feel but I am already hurting a lot, I am terrified and I wouldn't allow him to hurt me even more.

"Khun Kinn, what are you doing?!" Vegas' voice and tall figure pulled me out of Kinn's arms. My tears just won't stop no matter how hard I tried to hold them back. I pushed myself and sat up before wiping my face with my sleeves casually.

"Vegas, don't get in, it's none of your business!" Kinn tried to pull me back but I vigorously slapped his hand away.

"Porsche, what's wrong?" Vegas walked over and sat next to me before putting his arm around my shoulder tightly.

"Damn you Vegas! Let go of my man!"

"I am not yours! Vegas, get me out of here please." I pushed Kinn down then turned to Vegas, begging him to get me out of here.

"Let's go." Vegas didn't hold back and lifted me from the ground but Kinn shoved Vegas' shoulders away until his body stumbled on the ground.

"If you really dare to take him, come on. Try me." Kinn's voice that has softened earlier has risen again in anger. He was fuming mad.

"Yes! I dare! What the hell are you doing? Have you gone crazy?" Vegas replied in a stern voice. His face was equally aggressive and both of them looked fierce and terrifying at the same time.

"Don't be obnoxious Vegas." Kinn pointed at Vegas in disbelief.

"Why can't I be as stubborn as you? You're saying he is your man, and you're treating your people like this? Admit it, you fucked up big time! If it was someone that I love, I would never hurt his feelings like this!"

"What will a person like you know about love?"

"What about you Khun Kinn? Do you know love as well? Fix yourself first before you preach to me!"

"Bastard Vegas!" Kinn rushed in and yanked Vegas' neck upward. Vegas didn't seem to be scared at all. His lips twitched into a mocking smile, provoking Kinn even more who's face almost burned in fumes.

"Oh, but I think what you did is better. Because I like him and I think I could take care of him better than you."

Vegas punched Kinn in the face and I couldn't do anything but look at them alternately. Kinn has a hot temper which I am familiar with, but with Vegas looking fierce like this, it makes me feel weird inside.

"You have nothing good to say! Shut up!" Kinn punched Vegas back until its face flinched with blood on the side of his lips. I slowly stood up from the ground. My brain couldn't process everything but I stood between Kinn and Vegas. The latter brushed his bleeding mouth with his fingers then lifted it to look at it then gave a soft mocking laugh.

"Second brother Kinn is no different from Big brother. Good at it but always uses force." Vegas' eyes flickered to look at Kinn side-eyed.

"If you do this, don't even call me brother!" Kinn still couldn't control his temper; he was furious.

"You said it yourself!" Vegas raised his fist and landed on Kinn's face in full force.

"Hey stop!" I shouted at them loudly. 

Kinn wouldn't give up either, throwing his fist back at Vegas instantly. I hurriedly walked over to pull Kinn out and threw him away to prevent Vegas from reaching him even more.

"Come at me, Vegas!"

The two of them were still about to jump at each other until I had to withstand both from the front and back with both of my hands.

"Enough Kinn!!" I pulled Kinn's body and threw him against the wall then stood in front of him and Vegas.

"Stop your madness! Stop messing with me!" I yelled at the top of my lungs.

"Porsche, go home with me." Kinn walked over to grab my wrist, trying to hold me with his strength.

"Quit forcing me! Bastard! I'm resigning, and stop messing with me because I am not going to interfere with your life anymore." I removed his hand from my wrist and pushed him hard.

"Porsche don't say that!" Kinn was about to walk up to me again but this time, Vegas came in the way.

"Enough!" Vegas said angrily.

"Vegas!" I hurriedly pulled Vegas' arm back to prevent Kinn from swooping in and having another fight.

Kinn stopped in his tracks, his stare landed on my hand that was holding Vegas' arm tightly. His eyes were unreadable, it flickered for a moment before he turned his gaze away.

"Let's go, Porsche."

Vegas moved to hold my hand instead and I allowed him to guide me because I felt so weak that I needed someone to support me. I still felt the pain from Kinn's silence a moment ago. A clear, unspoken answer was enough for me to step out of it.

I'm so tired of getting hurt. I don't want to get hurt anymore.

Before leaving, I went to pick up my bag. Kinn stood still, stunned, and unmoving. Vegas was still holding my hand tightly. And now I wanted to say a final word. Because his insulting words were still lurking around my head. I want him to know what I am thinking about it.

From now on, I will never get back to him.

"The thing that at you were fussing about me going around with someone." I used my eyes to emphasize what I mean, and looked at Vegas then turned back at Kinn. "I never had done anything, I never thought I would. But now I'm starting to think about it."