The Excerpts from Jasmine's Diary

Chapter 30: The Excerpts from Jasmine's Diary

7 July, 1985.

Dear Diary,

I am Jasmine and you are going to be my new best friend. At least that's what mom said so. You were gifted to me by my mother on my fifth birthday which was yesterday. She said, you will listen to everything I have to say. That I can write anything I want in it. That you will keep my secrets and will never reveal them to anyone. Thanks for doing that by the way. It is greatly appreciated.

Hmm, I don't know what to write next. Mom said I should write what I feel. So let's go with that.

I feel like...I am a computer. Until yesterday, I was off and now I am suddenly on as if someone just pressed on my switch. I don't feel like a human. I don't feel like I am a five years old girl. I don't think I am a five years old girl. How can I be human if I don't have any memories of the days before yesterday?

Everything was blank before yesterday. There were no sounds, no vision, no senses, no emotions. It was all blank before. It was nothing. It was...nothingness. And I don't know why but I yearn for that nothingness. I want to wrap the nothingness around me like a blanket and fall into an eternal slumber.

I think I was drowning...or flying before I opened my eyes for the first time yesterday. It is hard to differentiate between flying and drowning if you don't have a body. And I think I didn't have a body before yesterday.

I think..I think...I don't know what to think anymore. Was I alive or was I dead? It's so confusing.

I had this thought that I was a robot. An android, an ugly scientific imitation which looked and acted like a human, like from those sci-fi movies which I watched today. So, to test this theory, to test if I was an android or not. I went into the kitchen and grabbed a sharp kitchen knife.

I made a small cut on my forearm with the kitchen knife. I felt nothing but just a short sting of the blade. Small drops of crimson blood bubbled out from the thin crevice of my skin. I was mesmerised by the colour of my blood. It was red. Bright red. It was so colourful, full of life...unlike me. It took my breath away. I was amazed. I was...happy. I was so immersed in admiring the lively colour of my blood that I didn't see my mother stepping inside the kitchen.

She was totally freaked out. It was really hard to convince her that I wasn't suicidal…really, I wasn't. I am honest, really...maybe.

That it was just a test to see if I was a human being or not. Fortunately, I am. I was ecstatic about that. I am human just like my mother and father. My parents. I am like them. I am normal.

Then why do I feel so hollow and empty? Why do I feel like a soul trapped in a machine? How can I speak and write so proficiently unlike a five year old girl? Who was I before yesterday? What was I before yesterday? Where are my memories? WHERE ARE MY MEMORIES?

~~~

8 July, 1985.

Dear Diary,

I am not normal. Absolutely not normal. I somehow made the windows explode when I was particularly frustrated. It was about all the questions swimming inside my head and also that my parents weren't answering my questions honestly, procrastinating it by saying I was too young to understand, increasing my anger considerably. The explosion happened suddenly, raining sharp pieces of glasses in the living room, scaring them immensely from the unexpected loud boom. They quickly hid under the table like small children.

I was honestly embarrassed about my temper tantrum. I apologised to them profusely, begging for their forgiveness for frightening them. It was totally wrong of me to disrespect them.

They easily forgave me and mom then engulfed me in a warm hug and then kept asking if I was alright or not. And I kept assuring her that, yes, I was fine. Dad just stood before us, giving us a small amused smile as if the scene before his eyes was both hilarious and heartwarming.

For the first time after waking up, I felt a pleasant warm sensation in my heart. Their concern, their smiles made me immensely happy. I can't properly describe the feeling but I liked it. When my mom pulled back from the hug, she gave me a grim look.

"You are special, Jasmine. Very special. But being special is very dangerous in this world. Don't use this speciality ever in front of anyone. Please, follow this rule. Otherwise we all might get into a sticky situation." she had said sadly. I had just nodded, not exactly aware of what was going on.

After that, I was silent throughout the day. The urge to get answers was not exactly gone but it had subsided. And at that moment, I decided to let go of all the mysteries surrounding me. I was happy living with my parents, I didn't need anything more. I just want to experience that warm feeling again.

I don't need answers when I can get a hug from my mother. I am content with what I have. I am going to be blissfully happy, ignoring the questions about my existence. That is the best choice I can make right now. At least I think so.

My name is Jasmine Zinan. I am a five years old little girl. That's all I need to know. And I am also sure that if I ignore this hollow feeling in my body then it will go away or at least I will get used to living with it.

~~~

12 August, 1986.

Dear Diary,

Something bad happened today. Something very bad. I killed someone. And the strange thing is that I don't feel anything. I don't feel bad, I don't feel queasy and I definitely don't feel any guilt.

In the late morning today, five men barged into our house. They had guns and they were pointing them at my parents. I ran down the stairs when I heard my mother's surprised scream.

The men had turned towards me and a spark of recognition had lit up their eyes.

"So you do have experiment number 786 in your possession." one of them had spat angrily.

"She is not an EXPERIMENT! She is my daughter." my mom had yelled back angrily while pointing a knife at the armed men. But everyone knew that out of a knife and gun which would win the fight. My dad stood relaxed, unarmed and glared at the armed men. His lax attitude totally unnerved them.

"Get out of my house and I won't kill you." he had said in a soft whisper. The intruders had given him amused looks. Their wariness disappeared after hearing that.

"Look doctor, we don't care what you and your wife do. You are respected members of the Peculiars. You have done so much for our goal. We are not here to harm you. Just hand over the experiment 786 to us and we will go away peacefully and will never disturb you again from your 'normal' life." the man had said in a placating manner. My dad had just glared coldly at him.

"Alas, I can't hand over my daughter. Meaning, I have to kill all of you. Such a shame." he had announced and a second later there was chaos everywhere. Mom had pulled me behind the sofa as gunshots were fired. I had watched in amazement as my father dodged the bullets effortlessly and advanced towards them like a ninja. He had snatched a gun from a man and killed him with a point blank headshot. He had then ducked below and jumped to the side, narrowly dodging the bullets. He had overturned the table and hid behind it as bullets ricocheted against it. He had been so concentrated on the three men in front of him that he didn't notice the fourth one sneaking behind him. But I did. I had been frozen with fear as the fourth intruder stalked behind my father.

My father had gasped loudly when the fourth man shot him in the shoulder.

"Dad!" I yelled angrily and threw my hands forward instinctively.

I had been stunned when I saw golden mists shoot from my fingers, it had swarmed around the man who shot my dad and then devoured him in an instant. There was nothing left of the man. No blood, no flesh. Nothing was there. The whole room was suddenly silent. There were no more gunshots or screams. It was a grave silence. The room was full of tension. I had used the opportunity and somehow sent the mist towards the three intruders.

"No!"

"Run!"

"Mission abort!"

But it had been of no use. The golden mist had chased them all and wrapped around their bodies and ate them from inside. It had been a gruesome sight. But this time it hadn't been instant like before, this time the mist took its time devouring them, making them yell and shriek for mercy. Their dying screams reverberated in the living room.

"Jasmine, stop it! Please sweetie, you don't have to do this." my mother had cried, dropping to her knees in front of me. And that's when I realised that my body was covered in the halo of golden lights. That my crystal blue eyes were swirling in rage. My dad just gave me a soft smile, telling me that it was over. That it was fine to let it go. I slumped down on the floor in the awaiting arms of my mother, my magic...or whatever it was, vanished or depleted. Leaving behind half eaten human bodies. Blood and gore grossly covered the floor. And again I felt nothing.

Nothing.

And after that my 'adoptive' parents explained the whole truth to me. They finally answered my every question.

I am a witch. Supposedly, there is a whole community of witches and wizards living around normal humans throughout the whole world, in every country.

My parents were the runaways from the Peculiars cult. They finally decided enough was enough and took me and ran away from that country and away from that cult.

The Peculiars' mission was to find the source of magic. Their mission was to understand it and reproduce it so they can have magical abilities of their own. Throughout the decade, they kidnapped magical children from all around the globe to experiment on them. But it quickly managed to grab the attention of the department of law enforcements of the wizarding world. So, the Peculiars totally stopped kidnapping any more children, not wanting to face the rage of magically powered beings. They were content with the number of experimental subjects they had already acquired. It was enough for them to last for years. It was enough research material. But in an unfortunate accident, all the children died on the base due to an airborne virus along with most of the staff.

When it looked like the Peculiars were finally going to be disbanded due to lack of magical children, one of its members managed to find one another child without drawing any suspicion from the law departments. That was me. Experiment number 786. My parents informed me that I was abandoned in a forest. That I had a body but not a soul. That my heart pumped, my brain worked but I was just an empty human husk with no spirit.

That was until 6 July, 1985. Until 6 July, 1985, I was just a living breathing corpse. But suddenly I was not. Though I don't know what happened that day. What changed that gave me a new life?

"Suddenly your crystal blue eyes glowed with life. We don't know how, we don't know why but we are so grateful that you finally woke up. It was like a miracle." my mother had said with an awed look when she explained that.

I am taking a deep sigh as I am writing this. My life is really so strange that I don't know what I am anymore. Here are some important discoveries I made of myself.

1. I don't know anything about my biological parents.

2. I was in a catatonic state for the first five years of my life until I finally woke up that day.

3. I am also a witch.

4. I also have this fist sized red star symbol on my chest which even my adoptive parents know nothing about.

I am really so tired of all of this. I miss it. I yearn for nothingness. It was just so easy back then when I was nothing, when I was not living. Or was I? Was I really not living or was it just my imagination? I don't even know that.

~~~

13 August, 1986.

Dear Diary,

I finally found my purpose. I now know what I want to do.

I want to make my adoptive parents happy. I want to make them proud. I want to keep them safe. I want to act and feel like a real child. And this new resolution came because of a strange conversation with a strange boy. His name is Harry.

You see, as this was my last day in this town since my parents have decided that it is no longer safer for us here, I decided to take a last stroll through the neighbourhood. And I met a strange boy lying on the ground with bruises all over his body. What surprised me was the look in his eyes. He was yearning for nothingness just like me. He wanted to leave his body and find true peace. He wanted to die. And he had this serene smile which showed how he had finally accepted it. He had finally accepted his defeat. He had given up. And seeing that, I finally felt a new emotion bubbling in my chest. I felt sympathy for him, he was just like me. I felt his sorrow. I had my parents to fight away the allure of nothingness but it seemed he didn't have anyone.

I talked with him a little after giving him some water.

I started a silly conversation with him and he was kind enough to play along. By the end of it, I had a new resolve. He made me realise what my true purpose was.

I am grateful to him for showing me the way. After that, he walked away, not accepting my invitation to meet my parents. For the first time in my life, I finally made a friend. It is such a bittersweet feeling that when I finally made a friend I had to leave him with this place. Hopefully, I will see him again. Hopefully, he will fight against the allure of nothingness. Hopefully, he will finally have someone for whom he will fight against the enticing nothingness.

~~~

1 September, 1991.

Dear Diary,

Many things happened today. I finally came to this magical school. My mom and dad were a bit sad that I was going to be away from them for most of the year but they understood that I was growing up, that I needed this education, that I needed to mingle with my own people, that I will start being more independent, that they will have to get used to being away from me. I was sad too for that matter.

But sad things aside, happy things happened too. As you know, Hermione and I have been best friends and basically like sisters since we met each other. And we were each other's only friends for so long. Expectedly, it was a bizarre experience making new friends. We made friends with Neville Longbottom and Ron Weasely. Neville is a shy boy but I think he will be a good and loyal friend. Then there is Ron, he is really funny and good company. Though Hermione really doesn't like him very much.

But the happiest thing was that I met my oldest friend while searching for Neville's toad. Do you remember Harry? That scrawny kid who I found bruised and on the verge of unconsciousness years ago. Yes, that's the one. I met him on the train. It is such an amazing coincidence that he is magical too. It was so fun talking to him again. He has changed so much. Last time he seemed all broken and defeated but now he is so full of life, he is such a confident boy now. He has this dangerous vibe around him as if he is a lone predator amidst sheeps. It is such a drastic change that I was for a moment taken aback by it. Still it was lovely to meet him again. Unfortunately he got sorted in Slytherin while I was sorted in Gryffindor. These two houses are enemies of each other as I have heard from the older students during dinner. I know it will be hard to remain in contact with him but I will try my best.

He also asked me why I have blue hair now instead of blonde. It felt bad lying to him but I just couldn't say that I have some unknown disease, that my body suddenly decided it didn't want blonde hair but blue. Sometimes I feel like I am a guest in this body and that this body resents me for overstaying the welcome. It was such a bizarre situation when I woke up one day with blue hair. My parents first thought that it was some joke from my part but were instantly alarmed when I revealed that it wasn't.

Even now, neither my parents nor I know the reason for the sudden transformation of the colour of my hair. Hair colours aside, it was a good day full of magic and fantasy. It was a day of reunion.

~~~

4 June, 1992.

Dear Diary,

Something happened last night. Something drastic, something I never thought would happen. Last night, I, along with Hermione and Ron, decided to save the Philosopher's Stone and prevent Snape from acquiring it. Fortunately we came across Harry and his two best friends on the way. And thankfully they agreed to help us.

Everything was going fine. Too fine, I can say in hindsight. Harry and his friends were just too trained and too powerful. It was quite disheartening to see children of my own age being so superior to me.

But I was totally blown away when Harry killed Quirrell/Voldemort in the last chamber. And he did it effortlessly and with amusement. As if facing the darkest wizard of their time was an event just for the sake of his entertainment.

That was all fine by me. I was glad of what Harry did. Otherwise I would have to step in and do the deed. And I was not particularly keen to take the lives of others. Not because I would feel guilty or anything, it's just that I finally found a group of friends, and I definitely don't want to kill someone in front of them. It would make things totally awkward. If that was the end then I could have easily slid off of this bed and started my day. But it wasn't the end and so I am still lying on the bed, ranting to you in this early morning.

"You just killed a professor!" Hermione had yelled last night after seeing the gaping hole in Quirrell's chest. I was going to step in and mediate the situation and stand by Harry but before I could do anything, Harry did it.

Harry then used some form of magic, filling the room with purple mist. I was horrified when I saw that. It brought back memories when the same mist but of golden colour shot from my fingers and killed other people in a painful way.

I was too slow to react. The purple mist clung to our bodies, seeping inside us. And from then on my body went out of my control. I heard and felt everything but my body followed Harry's will. At last when we parted from the Slytherins, Harry ordered us to forget the incident, to forget the night. And that's how last night ended. I remember coming to my room and lying on the bed and closing my eyes.

I am amazed that Harry's magic stopped working on me. That I still retain the memories of last night. The only theory I can come up with is that both Harry and I have another way of using magic. The Mist. And because of that, his mist didn't work on me. At least not fully. Precisely, I am somewhat immune to his mist.

Now the only question remains is should I confront him about it or keep silent. As much as I like to think that Harry won't harm me because I am his first friend, I am not too sure about it. If he can decide to wipe out memories of us just because Hermione freaked out a little, which was the most normal reaction by the way, then what will he do if he knows that his magic didn't work on me. Will he be delighted to find another one of his kind or will he be jealous that he isn't the only one who commands the power of mist anymore?... I don't have a concrete answer to this difficult question.

I will go with the safe option and keep silent. I am really tempted to take a risk just so I can learn all the cool tricks he did with the mist. I can only use the mist in golden colour for only two purposes, either sending it to devour others or condense it to form some sort of shield. But my lust for power is not that great to make me irrational. I know in my gut that confronting Harry will be a bad decision.

Though I have to say it stung a little when Harry didn't trust me with the secret of last night and grouped me with Ron and Hermione. Then again, we didn't get enough alone time together to deepen our friendship.

That's all for now, diary. Now I have to go and pretend that I don't know what happened last night.

~~~

25 December, 1992.

Dear Diary,

I am feeling stupid now for not being able to convince my friends not to use the Polyjuice potion. This feeling considerably increases when I confess that I somehow ended up helping them and infiltrated the Slytherin common room with Ron. Yep, it was stupid move, I agree, but trying to convince Hermione that her plan was foolish is next to impossible. And there was also Ron who was pouring oil in fire, commending her for the 'brilliant' plan.

He was totally sure that the heir of Slytherin was either Malfoy or Harry. Both Hermione and I had totally shot down the idea of Harry being the heir. That was just impossible.

The plan was successful, we met and talked with Malfoy but he knew nothing about the chamber and he definitely wasn't the heir. We were running out of time so we basically ran away from the common room. What I didn't expect was Harry following us out and knowing who we really were. For a moment I was scared that he would rat us out but thankfully he didn't.

He also told us to drop the matter of the chamber of secrets, that he had already solved it. I was ecstatic after hearing that. Finally, no more petrified students. Finally I was able to sigh in relief that me and Hermione as muggle borns were once again safe in Hogwarts.

I was curious to hear what happened to the chamber of secrets but Harry just smiled amusedly, not divulging any secrets. He sometimes really acts like a smug bastard.

After that I went to the bathroom where Hermione was. I was dumbfounded when I saw Hermione with a humanoid cat body. I stifled an urge to laugh mockingly at her for the consequence of her 'brilliant' plan but seeing her downtrodden expression I just reassured her and took her to Madam Pomfrey. Ron on the other hand didn't hold back his laughter at all. He snickered through the whole way, making Hermione angry.

~~~

9 September, 1993.

Dear Diary,

Today has been a bittersweet day for me. I had a mishap in the first DADA class. It was the first interesting class in DADA since I started Hogwarts and then I just went on and spoiled it for the whole class. You see, Professor Lupin was teaching us how to protect oneself from boggarts. They are the creatures who take the shape of the most fearsome thing that the victim thinks is scary. It was really fun, the boggart was turning into different frightening creatures while the students tried to use laughter against the creature by turning it into something hilarious. It was all fun and games for me until the boggart dropped in front of me.

I confess that I didn't know what shape it would take. I was curious. Very curious. But curiosity then turned into horror when the boggart turned into my parents' dead bodies. For a second I was silent, not knowing what was happening and then I was screaming and sobbing. My body was not in my control anymore. I couldn't stop the tears, I couldn't stop the hiccuping sobs. I was in a daze throughout the way to the Gryffindor dormitory as my friends reassured me that everything was fine. I was only half listening to them. The image of my parents' dead bodies was imprinted on my mind.

What would be my purpose if they died? That was the most concerning question that I could think of.

I don't want to be purposeless. I don't want the only ones keeping me away from the allure of nothingness to disappear, to die.

I was also very embarrassed of having a breakdown in front of everyone. That's why I closed the curtains of my bed and remained hidden. Ginny and Hermione tried to pull me away from the bed but they weren't able to. I didn't even go to the dinner when the two girls tried again to take me with them.

That was until Harry somehow teleported in front of me. I was obviously freaked out by that as I knew it was impossible to do any instantaneous travel in Hogwarts without having the prior permission from the Headmaster thanks to Hermione. But I calmed down as we started talking. He asked me about my parents and I told him the truth. I could see the judgement in his eyes regarding my parents' sins but was relieved that he didn't press me. It wasn't that I didn't know how evil my parents were when they were in Peculiars, experimenting on little children. But I was the living proof that people could change. My parents changed after the tragedy in which all the children died. I knew that and that was enough for me.

I also told him about the red star tattoo above my chest. I told him that I didn't know how I got that, that I didn't know what it's function was, if there was any. I was surprised when he proposed that I bare my chest to him so he could examine the pentagram in detail. In hindsight I shouldn't have been surprised. Harry was just like that. He would sometimes say or do things which makes everyone question if he knows how the society works. I obviously declined his offer.

Here are my honest feelings regarding Harry. And I am telling you diary just because you are my best-est friend.

I like Harry. I like him very much. He is my dearest friend, second to only Hermione(Don't tell Ron). But I don't like him in a romantic way. I don't even think I am capable of that.

He is not my purpose. My parents are. Loving is a choice that I don't have. I can't do anything which may come between me and my purpose. If Harry was my purpose then I may have decided to love him but it is not the case. So, the scenario of being naked in front of him was not that attractive.

Then he just gave me a disappointed look and dragged me out of my bed. I was so mesmerised when he teleported us in front of the great hall. I did ask him if he would ever tell me his secrets. And he declined.

'I already know you use the same mist as me. Is teleportation another function of the mist or is it a totally different kind of magic?' I had thought about that when he said he didn't trust a girl who can't trust him with her chest. As you can imagine, I was incredulous. I asked him if he would tell me all of his secrets if I showed him my chest.

I am a little embarrassed to confess that I was seriously considering the offer. WHAT! Don't look at me with those invisible disapproving eyes, diary. He is a dear friend. If he is just interested in female anatomy then I am not such a prude. I could give him a glimpse to sate his curiosity. And the rewards were worth it. After that there would have been no secrets between us, we would have definitely become best friends like he is with Daphne and Tracey and he would also have taught me all the tricks with the mist. It was totally worth it.

BUT, he again declined, with an amused smile nonetheless. I was so tempted to punch him in the stomach or the face, definitely the face. That smug bastard.

Still, my mood isn't that bad now. I am feeling better after watching Harry's antics. I am grateful to him. I just wish we could be closer. I can't say I am not jealous of how close he is with Daphne and Tracey.

I wonder if we were in the same house and had more time to spend with each other, would the situation be different or the same?

Goodnight Diary. It's getting late now.

~~~

26 August, 1994.

Dear Diary,

I have bad news, make it worse news. Apparently something happened last night at the Quidditch World Cup. As my parents have been subscribed to the Daily Prophet since my first year, an owl arrived as usual in the morning. What wasn't usual was the large photo of Harry on the first page with the title, Harry Potter: killer or saviour?

My parents read the newspaper with such seriousness that I knew it didn't bode well for Harry. They then questioned me about Harry and I answered them honestly. I also reluctantly had to reveal that he has the mist powers just like me. That sentence made their eyes widen. They shared a look and then looked at me.

"Listen Jasmine, you have your first and last mission. After this we will be free, we won't have to be overcautious anymore. We won't have to hide anymore. I and your mother will finally be able to walk in and out of this house without worrying for our lives. You have to somehow bring him here. That's it. You just have to make him enter this house and your mission will be complete. We will take it from there. I can see that you are not liking this. Believe me when I say we are not eager for this either. But it is either us or him. Better him than us. We are living with blades hanging on our necks. Any day we can die because of fighting against the Peculiars. The best solution is to give them what they want. Bring this boy here, we will finally unravel the mystery around magic and give it to the Peculiars, that is after securing a safe and prosperous life for us from them. Please Jasmine, do this for us, do this for the family." My father had lectured me a few hours ago.

I have no choice anymore. It is either my parents or him. And you know who I will choose. Anyways, it is his fault. Why couldn't he hide his powers like I do? Why did he have to show off? Whatever is coming for him, he definitely deserves it. It is his fault.

Then why am I crying? Why the tears aren't stopping?