Chapter 6.1: The Illusion of Connection

The rest of the day was a blur. I went through the motions, attending classes, answering questions, walking down the halls between periods. I passed by Haruka a couple of times, but she was always surrounded by people, her face a serene mask of composure. I wasn't sure if she had even noticed me, but I didn't approach her. Not yet.

Something inside me hesitated. I wanted to talk to her again, to tell her what I was feeling, but I didn't know how. What if I burdened her? What if she didn't want to hear it?

By the time school ended, I was exhausted—physically and emotionally. But as I walked out the door, I felt a strange sense of relief. At least it's over. The day was over. I didn't have to pretend anymore.

I stepped into the park again, my feet moving automatically toward the bench where I always sat. The park was emptier now that the sun was starting to set, and the quiet made everything feel a little more real, a little more bearable.

I sat down, pulled out my phone, and opened the message thread with Haruka.

Haruka: "Hey, you okay? You didn't look so great today."

I stared at the message for a while, unsure of how to respond. It had only been a couple of days since we last talked, but it already felt like so much had changed.

I could hear her voice in my head, her quiet, calm tone offering me a space to just… be.

And it was strange, because even though I barely knew her, she felt like the only person who could truly see me. But I couldn't explain that to her, not without sounding completely insane.

I typed out a reply, then deleted it. Typed again, then deleted it again.

The truth was, I had no idea how to be vulnerable with someone. I didn't know how to admit that I was falling apart. How could I explain that when I had no idea what was wrong with me?

The ping of a new message broke me out of my thoughts.

Kaito: "You still hiding from everyone?"

I stared at Kaito's message for a second, then snorted a little. He was blunt, that was for sure. He never sugarcoated anything.

Kai: "Not hiding. Just… thinking."

Kaito: "Yeah, sure. Thinking. About what?"

It was strange. Even though Kaito wasn't exactly someone I would call a close friend, there was something about him that made it easier to talk to him than anyone else. Maybe it was because he didn't expect anything from me. Maybe because he was the only one who seemed to understand that I didn't have to be fine all the time.

I hesitated, then typed.

Kai: "I don't know who I am anymore. I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing."

Kaito: "No one does. That's the trick."

His response was so simple, and yet it hit me harder than anything else had all day.

I stared at the words for a moment. No one does. Maybe that was the truth of it all. Maybe everyone was just pretending to have it together, just like I was.

But then I thought of Haruka. Her words from the other day echoed in my mind:

"You don't have to have everything figured out right now."

Could that be enough? Could I just… let myself be confused for once?