Healing

Chase's next two weeks were spent trying to kick-start his lift back into a life of routine. His bout of depression had been slightly lessened and he was determined to continue heading the right direction. Both his therapist and Justine agreed that routine would be a good move for him. So, he began a running regime. Before he did any work, he would go for a run around a few blocks until he worked up a decent sweat.

Given his lifelong absence of a regular workout, he couldn't run for any real length of time and was winded for most of his jog. Still, he couldn't deny that after returning home and showering, he did feel a little better. His energy was up and he could at least participate in daily activities. Another rule was that he was not permitted to eat lunch alone. On days when Justine would work, he was excepted to go out and eat while surrounded by people. He never talked to anyone aside from the cashier, but it was still a form of human interaction. That had been an idea of Justine's and he had to agree that it was a good one, however much he might still dislike being around people in public.

After two weeks of forcibly breaking what had become routine for him, it hadn't become any easier to keep to the new system. Rather it was more like he'd learned how to fall into compliance easier. It was sort of like knowing how to fall when you got bucked off a horse. It didn't make the fall hurt less, but it meant you were less likely to do more damage to yourself.

One effect that had become pronounced was his ability to paint and draw had been restored. While he wasn't quite as quick or as skilled as he may have been creatively, he was definitely back in a flow and continuing to improve more and more each day. Plus, it was good to be making money solidly again.

Due to his extended absence of real work, his savings had been dwindling down more and more each month. While Justine working had made things better, it hadn't eliminated what demand for money that his lifestyle pushed upon him. However, after taking a few commissions, Chase had started to get back towards the point of making a profit at the end of the month.

Smiling weakly, Chase peeled off his sweat-stained jogging clothes and stepped under the cool water of the shower, letting its refreshing tendrils work their way over his body for several long moments before reaching for the soap. Cleaning himself daily had started to carry a much better feeling when it was done to wash away the stink of physical activity, rather than merely washing away the natural scent and oils of his own body after twenty-four hours of going nowhere and doing nothing physically demanding.

Justine had started to light up around him again. It made him feel like they'd simply gone back to when things were good between them. Sure, he'd screwed up, but he was making an honest effort to fix things, and she wasn't holding his mistakes over her head. Luckily, her recovery from heroin abuse was still going very well. They'd stuck to her medication, and she was truly looking healthier and healthier. She no longer was pale and shaky as she had once been. Her smiles and laughter no longer seemed physically painful, and she was actually holding down several aspects of a normal life.

She'd continued to attend the church regularly, and thankfully there hadn't been another incident like her first visit. In fact, she'd started to form connections of her own and had found her own identity and form in a community that was starting to accept her as she was, instead of who she'd been before. It was exactly what she needed, and Chase appreciated that she was finally getting the love and acceptance she'd been searching for.

In fact, she'd been so accepted and loved by the church community that she'd finally made the choice to truly give her life to Christ. Chase had felt a little guilty at first, given that he had neglected to discuss the issue with her much during his own spiral into depression, but upon reflection he thought things might be better that way. After all, this meant the choice was truly her own, and she didn't feel pressured to do something that wasn't in her heart because of his influence in her life.

As he stepped out of the shower and slapped his face a little to help focus himself, he smiled softly at his reflection in the slightly fogged-up mirror.

Life was trash sometimes: no point denying it. Still, that didn't mean it was all bad, or that it didn't have points worth wading through all the bad. In his time with Justine, he'd learned to love through things that he'd never fully understood or had in his life before. His father might've been a drunk; but things like hardcore drugs, guns, and suicidal feelings were so far outside of his understanding of the world. Yet for all that, Justine wasn't a dark presence in his life. She was the woman who had gone through those things, rather than being the sum of her past.

Once he was relatively dry and dressed in clean clothes, Chase went to the dining room, where Justine was busying herself. She'd been filled with a nervous energy for the past couple days, as that afternoon she was going to be baptized by Pastor William in a public declaration of her faith. While Justine and the pastor had gone through what would happen a few times, she'd still been a bit nervous the past couple days, although she was doing her best to hide it. The fact was that Chase just knew how to read her pretty well by now.

He walked over and placed a hand on her shoulder.

"Justine," he said firmly, but as kindly as he could. "This is going to be a great thing. Trust me, as soon as it's over you'll be relieved and realize it isn't nearly as bad as you're making it out in your head."

She turned and took his hand in hers, smiling softly.

"I know," she said, softly. "Just doesn't stop me from panicking a bit right now. Still, I'm sure it's going to be all good."

"It's going to be wonderful and very freeing."

She nodded and turned back to the stove to salvage the French toast she'd been tending too. Chase reached for the medicine cups and pulled out both of their medicine, resolutely preparing himself for the disgusting taste of the pill that was now a part of his daily routine as well. For some reason, he had a hard time placing the exact taste of the pill itself, but it was rather what he'd imagined chalk would taste like. Although he had no experience actually eating chalk to confirm that suspicion.

A moment later, Justine set the food down before them and pulled out a pad of paper and a pen to write some poetry. This was fairly commonplace for her, whether they were at the table or watching TV together. Chase had learned to accept it as part of her artistic process and not interrupt her when she did this. From time-to-time she would pitch a line or couplet to him or ask him to read over something she'd put together. He often had no real clue what was involved in what he was reading, but offered his opinion on it all the same. Sometimes she'd listen to what he said and sometimes she'd ignore it and follow her own ideas, which reminded him far too much of himself.

As their morning powered on, Chase found himself filled a feeling of contentedness and peace he hadn't felt in a long time: since before Justine's detox, at least. Things were difficult, yes, but that didn't mean they weren't good. In fact, he felt pretty happy, and after several days being too depressed to move, being happy was practically a high all its own.

They drove to the church and Pastor William continued a series of sermons on the value of a Christian love, based heavily on first Corinthians. As the man preached, Chase couldn't help but think over how he felt about Justine for what must've been the dozenth or so time. He'd admitted long ago that he harbored some sort of feelings for her, but he'd always kept his thoughts there. After, Justine hadn't been a Christian and she was still trying to get her life back in order all the time. It hadn't been the right time.

But she is getting baptized, he thought to himself. And if I have feelings for her and she feels something for me, why shouldn't we see if there's more there?

She's still trying to fix herself, responded another part of his mind.

So what? he asked himself. So am I. So is everyone. If I waited until I was perfect before loving others I'd die alone and very old.

Of course, he didn't intend to rush her the moment she was pulled from the water or anything, but he did decide he wanted to talk to her about it. Something about having hidden his ownership of the gun for so long made him gain a disgust for the idea of hiding things from her. Besides, the worst she could do was reject the idea, and she'd proven time and time again to be gentle enough if she didn't agree with an idea of his.

And… wasn't she the one God had led him to?

Nearly a year ago he'd had his first dream about Justine. He hadn't known who she was back then. She'd been the dream girl at the side of a bridge who wanted to take her own life. Over the course of a very trying year he'd come to learn who she was. She was an artist, a lover, and a very proud woman. She was caring and sweet, but could also be driven, determined and downright stubborn when she wanted to be.

He loved her, no matter what spin he tried to put on it. And there was absolutely, positively nothing wrong with that. They hadn't slept together or been dating one another romantically in all their time together. However, they'd both discussed deeper feelings and her conversion to Christ wasn't something done just to get together with him. It was a choice, and one she'd made entirely independently. It was wonderful; so why couldn't it be a sign?

He nodded softly to himself while Justine stood and went backstage to where the baptism tank had been filled that morning. The pastor removed his jacket and shoes before wading into the water and holding out his hand to help Justine into the water. Many of the people in the church were taking pictures or videos on their phones, Chase included. Justine hadn't mentioned wanting anything saved, but knew she would hope he'd taken a dozen pictures on his phone. The thought made himself smile softly.

"Justine," said Pastor William, holding up his left hand as if performing a vow, which in a way he was. "Do you accept the love of Jesus Christ into your heart, and swear to follow him from this day forward?"

Justine looked out and Chase could see in her eyes that her entire life was flying before her at the speed of light. Yet, for all the troubles and difficulties she'd had, she was still smiling brightly and tears were leaking from the corners of her eyes.

"Yes. Yes I do."

"Then I baptize you in love, as my sister in the name of Christ."

Pastor William took Justine's hands in his and placed his other hand behind her back. Then, she leaned back, dipping into the water and raised up out it, washed of all sins and clean as a newborn child.