Chapter 12 : Talk-No-Jutsu.

"River Watcher!" I hissed, watching the pale figure disappear into the water again, "You there?"

"Huhn? Yes. No. No, I am here. I apologise. I was just-" he replied, shaking his head, when suddenly the waters stilled all around us, a ripple spread out from somewhere in the distance and his eyes snapped to something in the water, with fear. No, that look wasn't fear, it was anticipation and relief.

What?

I frowned and followed his gaze, searching the waters till I found what he was looking at. In the distance still, though far closer now, I could see it, a faint spot of white contrasted against the ink dark of the river, moving steadily towards us. But what was odd was the way it moved. Or rather the way the water around it didn't, almost as if it was phasing through the river like a ghost.

What was that?

A monster? Some giant magical fish that wasn't in the books?

"Prep that jetty spell, quick!" I pushed, as I pulled out my binoculars and took a closer look, one hand in my pocket, on the magical button, ready to escape, just in case, and spotted something I didn't expect.

Huh, are those....boobs?

What even.....

Mermaids then?

Hah, did I jinx us myself?

I laughed and shook my head.

No, they lived in the outer islands near the Abyss. No way something like that could happen, short of divine intervention.

I thought back to the books again, trying to make sense of this situation when a thought occurred.

Hmm....wait, wasn't there something like this in the books?

It was a one off appearance but I think there was one such thing, a humanoid species that inhabited this world and watched over the rivers and forests.

Nymphs. Or in this case, a specific kind of water nymph, a Naiad.

Nymphs that merged with their chosen bodies of water, guarding and maintaining them, drawing power from them.

But if so, what I don't get is what a water nymph was doing here? Didn't they hate interacting with humans? Something about dry skins and their disregard for the 'will of water' or some other hippie nonsense.

It was very cryptic stuff and the books were meant for children so they weren't exactly encyclopedic with their explanations, even for the time, when most fiction contained pages upon pages of dry exposition.

Kinda revolutionary, how they incorporated it into the storytelling.

Guess there's a reason the books are still ridiculously popular.

Well, whatever it is, I'll deal with it. I have a magical bodyguard after all.

I smiled.

Besides, if it goes tits up, I can just teleport away with the button and try again.

Really, being able to teleport is a fucking broken ability, a real gamechanger.

"So...a naiad huh? Think you can take it?" I said, turning to the River Watcher and saw his look turn from relief to consternation for a brief moment.

He can't? Are they that powerful?

"I won't need to." He replied with a grin.

I raised an eyebrow.

Okay, weird. First that anticipatory look and now this. What is he....no.

No way.

Did he call her over?

Nah, even he can't be that stupid, right? I mean he has infinitely more to gain with me. Why pull this shit? Why antagonize me?

I rubbed my eyes and sighed.

Well, I'll find out soon enough.

The Naiad was almost upon us now and more of her form became visible as she rose up from the river with the grace of a goddess, the water itself rising out with her, wrapped around her like a gentle, swaddle cloth; not that it covered any of her ... modesty, revealing her body for the world to see. She was a fair woman, and by fair I mean ivory white, her skin supple and marble-like, her dark hair draped over her face like a mop of seaweed with the classic Grudge look that could make Sadako blush. Her countenance didn't help her either with that annoyed glare she was giving us, like she had just had a visit from her mother-in-law.

But as much as I tried to tear my eyes away from her more... intimate parts, I couldn't help but stare. The curiosity was too much to bear. I just had to ask.

"Why do you have fish scales for pubes?"

The naiad raised an eyebrow, looking down at her crotch and back at me.

"What?" She gave me a confused look.

"The pubes." I asked pointedly, gesturing with my eyes, "I mean really, that cannot be comfortable from a sexual point of view. Just the chafing would grate down your partner's dick down like shredded cheese. Unless the male nymphs have sturdier dicks? Or do you mate via external insemination, like fish or tadpoles? Oh, and do they grow like hair or nails? And what about- mmfghf!"

Before I could finish, the River Watcher jumped up and shoved his dirty, unwashed hands over my mouth.

"I apologize, my lady. He is a Child of Earth. You know their kind...they....."

But just as he was pleading for our lives the Naiad tilted her head, and stared at me for a tense moment, her eyes boring into me before suddenly she began to giggle, shattering the atmosphere of tension and awkwardness in the air.

I take it that's a good sign that she isn't offended.

"You certainly differ from my expectations, Child of Earth." She spoke softly, her voice tinkling like sweet, honey drops.

"How peculiar, you are. I sense no lust from you, and that is more than I can expect even from you, River Watcher." She turned to the man who had taken to ogling the woman openly and leveled a glare upon him that could raze moutains as he shrunk back and averted his gaze.

"I am not sure if I should be happy or offended." She laughed as she continued, turning back to me.

"Scared maybe?" I offered in jest,

"Though I'm glad you aren't angry."

"Oh, you hardly scare me, child." She snorted, "On my river, none but the gods are my match. This is my sovereign domain. All that happens here, does so with my permission or not at all."

"Is that so? Then do you not permit our passing? Is that what brings you here?"

"What brings me here? Why don't you ask him?" She pointed one thin, marbled finger at my companion.

So it was him.

Shocker.

As for why....

"Well, River Watcher, why don't you enlighten us?" I said.

He gave me a dirty look and snorted, turning to the naiad.

"He is here to dethrone our king." He blabbed, "His intentions are far from pure. Just like the others before him."

Her gaze suddenly turned frosty and she asked.

"Does he speak the truth, Child of Earth?"

"What if he does....?" I asked back, hesitantly.

The naiad narrowed her eyes and spared a glance at the River Watcher.

"And you needed my help to do away with him? He hasn't the faintest lick of magic to him! Have you finally grown senile, Watcher?" She asked with barely masked disdain.

"I just wanted to be certain." He covered his ass, "Children of Earth are tricky on the best of days. They have their thunder-wands-"

Is that what they call guns around here?

"And you are immortal!" She snapped.

"It wasn't just that. When I head into town to inform our king, I need someone to keep watch over him."

"You can't tie him up and take him with you?"

"I could try but I'm old and he looks stronger than me." He pointed to my arms and exposed legs.

I smiled and flaunted my calves.

"Thanks, I never skip leg day."

Being a former mercenary, I know first hand the difference being in ship shape makes. And it was practically drilled into my very bones, so at this point, not working out feels weirder.

"You couldn't paralyze him with a spell?"

"And then what? Carry him 30 leagues to the castle?"

"Hire a cart. I have better things to do."

"I have no money." He finally admitted, "So unless you're offering me a loan...."

She crossed her arms and glared down at him.

"You haven't paid me back for the last time. Or the five times before that."

"Well....as I said before it was a medical emergency-"

She cut him off.

"You mean you drank it all away."

"If you put it like that...." He muttered, and got splashed for his efforts.

"You're not getting a rotten copper off of me, Watcher." She huffed, but ultimately relented, "But fine, I will watch him, but I'm not doing it for you, but for Martin." She said, eyeing me like I was something she scraped off her shoe.

Well shit.....

That is bad news.

Think, Cal, think.

How can I get out of this pickle.....I mean besides teleporting back to square one. If possible, I don't want to walk all the way to my destination, not when I'm so close. But the way they're looking at me, that ship has already sailed.

More importantly, if I do that, the Beast will no doubt hunt me down I get anything done.

Now what do I do....what do I do....

I thought about it, taking every variable into account as a plan slowly began to form in my mind.

Maybe I could go around from ground zero but not with these numbnuts knowing my plans. So at the very least I'll need a distraction. A red herring to send them off the wrong way.

Because inevitably I'll need to come back, and when I do, I cannot afford a manhunt out for me.

So first things first, let's make sure they can't just kill me outright.

I grinned.

And since bluffing has worked out so well thus far....why not kick it up a notch.

Taking a deep breath, I scanned them over, making sure they noticed my carefree and irreverent expression, before I suddenly burst out with a bellowing laughter.

"Has he gone mad?" The River Watcher looked at me baffled at the turn of events.

"Are not all dry skins born mad?" The naiad huffed derisively, throwing weak shade.

"Oh boy....that's funny. That's really funny." I panted, slapping my thighs.

"What?" The River Watcher snapped.

"That you think you can take me on." I smiled smugly, annoying the two even more.

"Why do you think I am here? And more importantly, HOW am I here? Clearly, I have no magic, and yet, here I am, a world away from my own, across a land of fountains riddled with the Beast's little soldiers. Did you even stop to consider what exactly brought me here? What gives me the confidence to take him on?"

"An utter lack of wit?" The naiad snarked, but I could see that she was getting uncomfortable.

I smiled.

Just a little more.

"Let me rephrase that. WHOSE providence do you think, brought a magicless Child of Earth so deep into enemy lands with naught but a bow to his name?" I chuckled darkly and recognition flashed in her eyes.

"No...." She whispered, her voice shaking the faintest bit, "He is gone. Banished."

"And yet here I stand!" I boomed, stepping up to the edge of the boat, face to face with her. Can't give her the slightest edge, nor the barest semblence of stability. Gotta keep her on her feet, lest she call my bluff.

"You lie!" She roared, even as she floated back.

There we go.

"Say. His. Name." I whispered, inching ever closer to her face, psyching her out.

"You!" The River Watcher fumed as he finally caught on, but it was too late.

"Ember." She spoke, her voice tinged with fear and reverence.

"Ember, God of Gods." I corrected.

"He is bluffing! Look at him. He can barely keep himself together, how could he possibly win the favor of a god? He doesn't even have magic." The River Watcher interjected, "He is no champion."

"Is that so, Watcher? Then why don't you try me and face the wrath of a god. You know, he's pretty pissed about what happened to the last bunch of us that came around here. Really spoiled his entertainment. Now I wonder who was responsible for that, huh?" I turned to him and leaned down, looming down over him, "And last time you had the Beast to protect you from him. But now....tsk tsk tsk." I wagged my finger, "What do you think he'll do to you now?" I hissed with a wide serpentine grin creeping him out.

The River Watcher gulped thickly and went pale at the thought.

Now of course, I didn't have Ember's favor. I chuckled inwardly. Yet.

You see there was one thing common between all of the Fillory books. One single constant, and that is Ember's need for entertainment.

He even says it himself. And how does a god trapped like a rat on his own world entertain himself?

He peeps. On everything and everyone.

Even before the Beast sent him scurrying into hiding and took over the world, he used to watch this world like a reality TV show, so I have no doubt that he is watching this, even here, even now.

So all I need to do is, catch his attention, for just one singular second. And then, I win.

"Prove it." The naiad spoke behind me, recoverig a little faith in herself a she stared at me nervously. Still, neither of them dared to attack me, fearing the wrath of a god.

"Prove it to us. Prove that you are his champion."

"Want me to smite you?" I asked, "How gutsy, little miss mermaid~"

The naiad furrowed her brows, considering the option, but her fear won out. She bit her lip and stayed silent, thinking it over. And that I cannot allow. So I interjected.

"Very well. Let me tell you the tale of how I came to be the Champion of Ember, God of Gods!" I announced.

"He is obviously stalling for time." The River Watcher grumbled.

"Stalling? For what? We're in the middle of the river, with not a soul in sight. So tell me Watcher, what am I stalling for?" I snapped at him.

He did not like that.

His feathers thoroughly ruffled, he just about jumped up, his finger held out high before he realized, he had no retort. He fell into thought for a moment before his finger shamefully lowered.

"No? Thought so. Besides, if I'm lying, you'll find out soon enough, and we have a long stretch of river to go. Why not enjoy a tall tale before you go for the kill? It's not like you lose anything." I shrugged nonchalantly.

He seemed to buy that as did the naiad.

"Go on."

I nodded.

"So as I as saying, the tale of how I came to be the Champion of Ember, God of Gods! And it all began....with little cakes!" I said with a flourish, setting the stage and I could see the naiad's expression shift as she muttered.

'He always did like his little cakes....'

Hehehehe. Got her.

That's one down, one to go.

Ember's love for little cakes was a well known fact among the fans of the Fillory and Further books. It was almost his catchphrase- 'Have you brought me little cakes?'.

I continued.

"It was a bright sunny day in Mumbai- that's a city on Earth by the way- and there I was, walking along, craving a sweet treat.

And I spotted a shop, not far from me, so I checked my pockets and thought, 'Aha, it's my lucky day.' I had just enough money, for a little cake. Just one, mind you. I'm not made of money after all."

Again I found her nodding and this time, so was the River Watcher. Sweets are expensive in a backwards, medieval society and given my state of dress, I was counting on this fact to add legitimacy to my carefully spun tale.

"But the thing was, as soon as I bought the cake and walked out of the shop, I found myself....." I paused for suspense, "In another world!"

"Oh you are good! You should be a storyteller." River Watcher said sarcastically.

I rolled my eyes and continued.

"And where else was I, but in Fillory! Within the bounds of Ember's temple, lit bright with torches, but decorated oh so poorly, with tattered hides and stone furniture. It was more hovel than temple and quite honestly, I don't know how Ember managed to tolerate it. I mean the stench alone could kill a lesser man, I tell you....Even the River Watcher lives in a better place."

"Hey!" He huffed indignantly.

"What? I'm praising you." I smiled, shrugging and the naiad let out a little snort in amusement, almost involuntarily.

"He does stink. Even when the late Lord Umber was around, he would chide him for it. But did he bathe? Noooo, anything but that!" She added reminiscing the good old days.

"He befouled the rivers and lakes just by....entering...." She stopped herself suddenly, clenching her teeth as if remembering something and her eyes glazed over into a thousand yard stare for a brief second before she shook her head and took a deep breath. In an instant, the siftness in her eyes had disappeared, replaced by a cold cruelty.

"Are you okay?" I asked, stepping closer to her, right up to the edge of the boat.

"It is nothing." She said, not that anyone believed her.

Doesn't sound like nothing, but I wasn't quite ready to press her yet so I held the thought.

"So there I was, in the temple of Ember, God of Gods and there he was, laid upon a throne of crudely carved stone. And as I approached he spoke.

"It is customary to bow, Child of Earth...."

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AAAAAND it's a cliffhanger bitches!

Get cucked.

See ya tomorrow, with a different POV.

First one to guess whose POV it will be gets a cookie!

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Bye bye~