Bed and Breakfast

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***

For reasons unknown, I had been having erotic dreams all night. Perhaps it had something to do with a pleasant odour on one of the pillows, the nature of which I have no idea.

And the first thing I did on waking up was:

- Waaaaaagh! - Floundering on the bed with my face covered with my palms because of the memories of yesterday.

What a disgraceful thing to do! Talking such nonsense that you can't even put it on your head! Kissing strangers, flirting with them, and all the time in stupid outfits! My thighs are still sore because of those trousers....

- Haa. Gotta change.

Realising I was still in my hotel dressing gown, I went to throw on a tank top and shorts before I went to take a shower. Probably because my aunts and Penny lived here before, I feel uncomfortable walking around the house naked.

- Right. - a fatal realisation dawned on me as I was pulling on my boxers. - Waaaaaaaaaaaagh!

I'm gonna have to deal with everything my body did yesterday.

Holy shit!

Shouldn't I just run away to another country?!

No, that's not right.

It's Marvel World, it's better to go to another planet. Or a universe!

Wait, does the multiverse principle even apply to this world?

- Haa. What am I thinking, huh?

After calming down and exhaling deeply, I left my room and headed for the bathroom, hoping that a warm shower would make all my problems go away.

- Yeah, keep your lips wide open. - I said to myself as I opened the door.

- Kyaahyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! - behind which I was greeted by a girlish figure climbing out of the bathtub.

- Excuse me! - I blurted out before I jumped back out and slammed the door behind me. - Wait... Who was that, anyway?

It wasn't Penny, not one of the aunts, not even Bomjara, who was in my bathroom and how? A clean-cut burglar?

*♪ Knock, knock, knock ♪

- A clean-cut burglar with manners? - came out of my mouth when I knocked.

- Uwaaaaaahhhh... - she bounced off the door in surprise.

Why should I be surprised? Naturally, I'm curious as to who has climbed into my house. In fact, she acts like it's her house - shouting, shy, scared.... Could it be?

Determined to make sure I hadn't mixed up the houses during the night, I walked to the stairs where I ran into.....

- Oh! Have you seen NEWT? Breakfast time. - Mystic.

.....

- Pass the ketchup.

- Here you go. Don't spill the whole jar.

- I know, I know, Mystic. А! It's not spicy?!

What's going on? Well, Sabretooth has discovered that ketchup isn't spicy and is less willing to pour it on bacon eggs.

- Stop right there! - I slammed the table, scaring NEWT for the third time that day.

- What's the matter, it doesn't taste good? - Mystique turned to me with a shy hand to her lips.

- Do you have spicy ketchup? - Sabretooth lit up, looking at me for the first time.

- Where do you need more ketchup, you have neither eggs nor bacon in your plate, and you can't see it behind the tomato slurry.... - muttered NEWT sitting next to her.

- Seriously, what are you all doing here? - I've lost all fervour over this insane picture of a family morning. - Why? Why? Why in my house?

.....

- Am I being held captive again? - it would be a sudden plot twist, unexpected and unpredictable, because as we know, the third time is the most unexpected.

- That depends... - Sabretooth said ominously, squinting down at me.

- You've got ketchup on your face. Get a napkin from the kitchen. - Which wasn't very suggestive.

- Um. Let me tell you, you're acting differently today, more spread-. - Mystique started to say, but I was quick to interrupt.

- I did. Now on to the subject, what are you doing here? - Oh, those businessmen from the big road, first they talk, they compliment you, and then they leave you without trousers, and then they arrange everything so that you give them to them yourself. Business first, talk later, never the other way round.

- Are we sure we have not got the wrong address? - Sabretooth asked Mystique.

- You're the one who brought us here, remember? - to which she replied. Then she turned to me again. - Ahem. Anyway, the thing is. I don't know. Well.

- We don't have anywhere else to go, so we're gonna stay at your place. - picking at her mouth with a toothpick, Sabretooth said.

- ...Just until Magneto contacts us, honestly, honestly! - NEWT jumped out from behind her.

- Huh? - because of the huge number of questions, which were mixed in a sharp impulse to break out, I only managed to utter an inarticulate sound.

- Let me explain. - Mystique is good at exposition. - It's just like Sabretooth said, we have nowhere to go, so we'd like to stay with you. In exchange, we promise not to commit any crimes while we're staying with you, and we'll cater to your every need!

- Needs? - her offer sounded like something out of an ecchi.

- Laundry, cleaning, cooking. It's all on her, though. - Sabretooth pointed to Mystique. - I'll do security, NEWT-- Watering the plants? She's a good back rub too!

NEWT squirmed in her chair, blushing.

- Haa... Why should I agree? Put my living space at risk?

- Like I said, we'll all refrain from any criminal activity while staying at your place. Isn't that what people like you want? - I raised an eyebrow questioningly. - Heroes.

- No, no, I'm not a hero.

- So you're one of ours? Then all the more obliged to help! - Sabretooth intervened once again.

- And I'm not a villain. I don't want to get involved in any of your squabbles, okay?! I don't want my house to be a lodging house! - Is it just me, or is it just the stress of this whole thing making my hair fall out of my head? Can't a person just have one day of peace and quiet?! - I just want to get off this stupid show, get paid, get out of debt, finally clean the house after Bummer and....

- Ha, Mystique cleaned up last night.

Hairy's words made me notice something I hadn't noticed in the commotion - order. There were no stains, bags, crumbs, or leftover food, and there wasn't even dust anywhere to be seen. Also, there shouldn't have been any food in the fridge after I threw out the rotten stuff..... So she went shopping too?!

- Marry me. - I got down on my knee in front of Blue Bonnet.

- Huh?!

**Sabretooth**

- Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee?! - the whole three of us reached out.

- Oh, sorry, I got caught up in the moment, forget what I said. - the guy came to his senses and stood up.

Why did his harassment suddenly rise to a new level?! What about now, what about last night...

- That's what happens when you're usually surrounded by troubled people, out of desperation you start lashing out at the normal ones..... - Peter stared at the ceiling with a blank expression, like an old man staring at the passing of the years. Wow, what a metaphor, maybe become a writer? - Anyway, you're saying you're not going to cause me any trouble and you're going to keep a low profile?

- That's right.

- Lol, that's what I believed. On the other hand, what happens if I say no?

- Well. - With her head raised askew, Mystique stretched out, trailing off as Parker turned around.

An obvious hint of threat, though even to me it seemed a little unreasonable, given the powers he'd demonstrated during his escape from the asylum.

- Hoo... - Peter stretched out with raised eyebrows. - So... You can do the show instead of me! Geez, I already asked you to marry me!

Peter grabbed the other Peter's hands and got down on one knee, with eyes burning with determination.

- Um... - that was the first time I'd ever seen that guy blush. And it was Mystique.

.....

- So why do you need to stay at my place specifically?

- We know you and trust you. - or we're supposedly being hunted for the Stark boy's kidnapping.

- Of course, we learnt in a day and developed trust when he was kidnapped. Seriously?

- We need to wait until the fuss dies down and your house is best suited, with your co-operation of course. - It's kind of funny to see one Peter cornering another who's still on board with the offer.

- ...Why do we have to wait at all? I'm sure you could just run away, given your abilities. - So many questions, like a picky reader.

- We need to wait for Magneto's team before deciding what to do next.

Peter stared at Peter for a while, then raised his head to the ceiling and folded his arms across his chest, thinking. Peter, who was Mystic, could only smile awkwardly, having completely lost his threatening tone. In the end, Peter, who was Parker, sighed heavily, stood up from the table and said:

- Haa... I need to think about this. I'll take a walk to the police station for now.

- WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA?!!!!

**Two minutes later. Pyro**

- La~la~...

I don't know what they're making noise down there, just preventing me from enjoying a bubble bath like a lady should.

- Arr, a thousand devils! - I said into the mirror, making a pirate beard out of bubble bath.

Actually, I should have been offended that they didn't wake me up for such an important conversation. They always lead them without me at all, as if holding me for some child.

- Arr, what watermelons! - I've finished moulding my foam bust.

And I don't know why! I joined them on my own, albeit with a little push from Magneto, but I also share their views on people who are useless and mutants! If it's because I'm not training as hard, then it's just that I've already reached perfection in the mastery of my abilities! So it's okay for me to slack off a little and sleep a little longer!

- Arr, am I wrong? - I asked the loofah.

- "Of course you're right! Pyro is the best!"

- Arr, what a smart mop!

- "Oh no, you're the smart one Pyro! And beautiful, and sexy, and any guy would want to kiss you...!"

Damn! I should have said that! It makes me want to go underwater with shame, but I don't want to wet my hair with foam!

Come to think of it, I'm gonna be living in the same house as the guy who stole my first kiss. Of course, in a way I can't blame him, for I've always known I'm a charmer, but how do I respond to his feelings? I'm not sure I share his love. So if he asks me out on a date, I--

- ...I won't refuse, of course, for who knows how much it might hurt his feelings, argh. - Ah, kindness itself. Why does Magneto always ignore me?

Well, I've been in the bath for an hour and a half now, and the water's starting to get cold, so I should probably get out. Lastly, I picked up the flannel.

- "No! Don't go! Put some more hot water on!"

- I'm sorry, washcloth, but I have to! - Throwing it into the water, I got out of the bath and started wiping my feet as I noticed in the mirror. - Aaarrr... I'd forgotten to rinse the foam off.

I turned on the shower and climbed into the tub, forgetting to close the partition.....

- Haa... I can finally relax. - and it was at that very moment that he, Peter Parker, entered the room. Starting to unbutton his jeans.

- Whoa! I-I'm-not-ready-for-this! - I never thought his feelings for me would be so strong that he'd try to attack me in the bathtub!

- А?.. - He looked at me for a couple of seconds, and before the scream of realisation that I was naked came out of my mouth, he said. - Aye, aye, Captain. Just make sure you find out who's living at the bottom of the ocean, or I'm going to have to take a piss, okay?

He followed me out the door. The shriek of realisation was delayed until he looked down at Sabretooth's size six bust, only made of foam, and turned his head towards the mirror.

- ARRRRRRRGH!...!