"NOO !! DAAAAAAAAAD !! " I cried as my eyes snapped open. My whole body was covered in sweat, my hands were trembling in fear, the dark images from my dream are still running through my head continuously. My mom came running, opened the room, and ran again to embrace me while repeating the words "Don't worry sweetheart, it wasn't real...It wasn't real".
I was having a lot of nightmares lately but the most memorable one is the one where I push my dad to a truly dark hole where a bunch of filthy and dirty-looking kids, about six to seven youngsters, wearing damaged t-shirts and ragged jeans, with sharp knives in their hands, looking at my old man like a pack of wolves looking at their prey.
They were piercing and stabbing with their serrated blades his body, deforming his face by the multiple punches and biting my poor father with no speck of humanity, savoring the moment and laughing at his suffering and even breaking his spirit by telling him that there is no use to yelling nor screaming for help while searching his jeans for any money left in his pockets.
And every single time, I try to reach my dad's hand and rescue him, the darkness takes him away from me and starts swallowing him slowly and gradually until he and the heartless thieves are no longer seen. And that's when I usually wake up.
My mom tried her best to calm me every time I have a nightmare, but she knew in her fragile heart that no matter what she does, my despair won't end until I finally come to peace with my past which at the time, seemed quite impossible.
Every few days, the neighbors come to visit me and chat with me. Their looks that were filled with envy in the past, became those of pity and sympathy. They looked at me as if I was broken. It was really uncomfortable, but I deserve it, I deserve every bad thing happening to me right now.
I felt so lonely in this harsh world. Even though I had my mom, but she couldn't replace my dad's spot and fill the hole in my heart.
My mother suffering upon seeing me in such a disastrous and pathetic state, desperate, tried the last card on her sleeve. She called one of my first friends, Saad, one of the scientists that came two years ago.
He was a really odd person, probably the weirdest I've ever met. He was the only one who didn't think it was a waste of my talents to research about 'Jennis', and even encouraged me to pursue my passion.
He was known for his bizarre theories and formulas that tried to prove the existence of the supernatural but always failed.
I didn't feel like talking to him in this miserable appearance, but my mother insisted so I promised her to give it a shot. Who knows? Maybe I'll even like it.
The next morning, Saad came early. He opened the door, excused himself, and entered the room. He was looking at me in the same way he looked at me during our last meet-up. I didn't feel him pitying me like everybody else.
He was simply concerned and worried about me. He didn't make me uneasy, unlike the others. He was smiling happily like a boy who've never known anything but family warmth and happiness, but under that grin on his face, a really dark and tragic past was hidden. If anyone could've related to what I feel, it was probably gonna be him.
He sat on the chair and started talking to me about all different kinds of subjects, the latest scientific researches, the latest news regarding sports, the new novels, and a lot of other stuff. He was really funny and he knew the art of storytelling, so he made me laugh a lot and I enjoyed most of his stories especially those about his travels.
It was the first time since the accident when I genuinely felt happy, but as soon as he mentioned my dad, it hit me hard and made me recall my sin, and I became suddenly expressionless.
Saad understood the reason for my sudden shift, so he tried talking about how good of a man my dad was and how he cared about me. He told me some stories about him and my dads' adventures when they were young.
Saad was strange but certainly not stupid, so he knew that the classic ways won't have any effects on me. But he still tried.
After that, he encouraged me to start talking to him and participate in the chat, I felt weird expressing my thoughts and sharing them. I mean I haven't talked to people other than my mother for the past two years and a half.
Even so, I started talking a little bit. It was nothing compared to how I was but still, it was a step up.
After that, he left after promising me to come back tomorrow.
I realized I had a lot of fun today which made me feel guilty. And suddenly, the creepy pictures in my head of my father dying started coming back and were stuck in my head.
I felt the immediate urge to throw up so I went to the bathroom in my room, and then I started thinking about all the fun I had that day until I fell asleep.
I woke up the next morning upon the same nightmare. My mom came to comfort me again, and I had the same feeling of emptiness and loneliness as yesterday just a little less agonizing.
Saad came in the afternoon, talked to me again, and pushed me to feel more comfortable talking, and tried his best to make me feel less guilty by convincing that I had no way of knowing what would've happened.
After he left, I was a little bit happy but soon again, I remembered my wrong deed and felt disgusted.
The same thing happened in the next following days, and as much as I hated to admit it, but I kind of started regaining my confidence, and the guiltiness started easing enough to not make me throw up.
On the 26th day, Saad came a lot more excited than the other days, and when I asked him why, he told me I'll understand after.
After an hour and a few minutes of chatting, Saad looked me in the eyes seriously.
Suddenly, he started mumbling some words and the silence filled the room.
I felt something unusual. It wasn't awkward, nor was it uncomfortable. I actually felt more peace than ever. I didn't know what was that, who did that, nor how he have done it. But one thing is for sure, I absolutely liked it.
All the guiltiness was erased and the discomfort was gone. Basically, all the bad feelings were gone and the good ones were balanced to make me feel at peace.
After some moments, Saad got up from the bed broke the silence joyously "This is the result of my research !! I can share my emotions and let them affect people !!" He was so excited about it.
I was in a state of shock, the words wouldn't come out of my mouth," I proved the supernatural, I proved the existence of Magic !!" added the mad scientist.
Another wave of silence fi- "IT'S REAL !!!" I said ecstatically while jumping madly. "IT'S REAL! IT IS ACTUALLY REAL !"
I knew that this little trick was far from enough to make anyone believe in magic, but still at the time that little hope was the best I could ask for.
I wasn't trying to recover from my trauma this past two years and a half, and that is because I basically had no reason to live, the only thing that kept me from taking my own life was the pain and loneliness that my widowed mother would've felt.
But this right here was the thing that would make me want to live again. My passion! My raison-d'etre!
My voice reached the neighbors, so my mom hurried to the door and opened it. And as soon as she saw me delightedly jumping, her eyes were filled with tears.
She ran towards me and started hugging me while crying "Finally... *sob*…*sob*…Finally... You started smiling again, my little kid started smiling again". She hugged me tightly as if I would've escaped the moment she let of my arms while sniffing my clothes and feeling my warmth to check if it was really me.
I let her do as she wanted. And I hugged her back since I couldn't resist the urge to do so. Her warmth, her love, and her affection reached me. I couldn't believe that I was happy again even after that accident.
I started crying and crying while tightly embracing my mother. She started playing with my hair which made me feel at ease.
But then I remembered how I pushed my old man to his own death.
As if my mother knew what I was thinking, "Don't feel guilty, there is no way your father would've wanted this for his only and favorite child !!", she said with determination and resolution in her eyes.
"Yes, she is right. There is no way that affectionate guy would've wanted his son to throw away his whole life because of his guiltiness. He knew that you were better than this, he knew that you were destined for greatness !!", Saad said with complete confidence.
Their words wouldn't normally have reached me, but now with me finally finding my passion and my reason to exist: The supernatural, combined with the warmth that I haven't felt for a long time, resulted in a surprising outcome.
The guiltiness started fading away alongside the creepy thoughts that made me escape reality for two years. I felt a huge weight off my shoulders, and I felt relieved for the first time in a while.
Suddenly I heard a voice from within me saying wisely "Never escape reality, either accept it or change it !". I don't know if that was within my consciousness, or from an entirely different existence, but what mattered is that I will make this my principle. My absolute law.
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