Feeling Disconnected

I was sitting on my chair by myself, tapping my foot in anxiety. My mind was filled with unpleasant feelings about the current situation I was in.

Lucy came back carrying the plates. They were empty—— traces of food were still visible and I kinda felt relieved seeing those dirty plates. At least she's not going to sleep with an empty stomach.

Coming back to my room didn't change anything. I thought that I should at least ask her if she's okay or if she had eaten dinner. Honestly I was not ready to face her. The words didn't came to my mouth when I stood still in front of her door. I wanted to knock on the door which was the only barrier between us, keeping us away from each other. Few minutes had past but I just stayed there. My legs started to ache as I was standing there. It was a futile attempt of mine. I came back to my room with dissatisfaction and laid down on my bed.

Next morning I got up but I knew the luck is not on my side. Therefore the problems which have arisen because of my stupidity and arrogance are not going to be solved so easily. I'm such a fool for leaning towards my vanity.

I walked downstairs and Stella was there arranging the dining table. A little ray of hope flashed onto me. I knew that this is the only chance I will get. If I fuck it up, god knows what disasters I am going to face in future.

" Good morning." I politely greeted her. She didn't realised that I was here until I spoke. She was busy in her thoughts. Hearing my voice she came back to her senses and noticed my presence.

" Morning." Stella replied softly. There was no sign of joy or glee in that voice, it was rather splenetic, filled with morse. She put down the plate in front of me and sat down on her chair opposite mine.

I was about to spoke up but she started to talk again " Dad called me yesterday. He said mom's health isn't good so, I gotta visit them today."

Hearing of my mother-in-law's bad health made me feel sad indeed but what made me more upset, was the leaving of Stella. Every thing is just going to the wrong direction.

" When are you going?" I asked her.

" I'll leave after eating breakfast. I have taken a day off from my work." She sounded dull maybe because she's worried about her mother.

" Do you want me to come with you?"

" No, it's fine. Besides it's not that serious."

" Okay. Let me know if you need anything."

Our conversation was so lifeless that it killed me every time I opened my mouth to speak. I was also aware of the fact that Stella was suffering as well. She was avoiding eye contact with me. I just focused on my food and replied back to her. I left for office after finishing my breakfast. I couldn't stay there any longer.

As I was driving my car I thought I should listen some music. I tuned in the radio while driving my car. I don't usually listen to songs but I wanted to relax my mind.

The song that came on the radio was

"The less i know the better" by Tame impala

Why they playing sad songs in the morning for the fucks sake! I turned off the radio instantly, knowing that the song will make me more depressed.

My day in the office went like usual. John came to report me about the upcoming events.

" You will have to take a business trip to France."

" How long ?"

" A week."

" Fine. Book my tickets and pick a hotel near airport." I always prefer having my hotel near airport. It's very convenient and I can avoid busy traffic when I'm returning.

" Will you take your wife-" I didn't let John finish his sentence because I knew he was trying to ask me about Stella. I rather avoid the conversation since I haven't made any progress so far now.

" She's with her parents. Her mom's health is bad currently. I'll go by myself." I could have taken her with me but our relationship is in a awkward situation. Besides she should stay with her mom and spend some time there. It will help her to relax for a once. It's better if we stay separated for some time.

I went back home and Stella was not here. My flight tickets are already booked. I will leave tomorrow. I thought that I should visit her once before I leave and probably apologise to her.

I took my clothes off and wore a T-shirt with a shorts. The phone was on my hand but I was still unsure about texting her or calling her. I mean if I text her I can say a lot where else if I call I might just forget my words in the middle of the conversation.

After thinking for a while I decided that I will call her. I won't be here for a week I should at least inform her. When I dialed her number I became anxious.

" Hey. How's your mom?" I spoke first and asked her politely.

" She's fine. Nothing to worry about. I'll come back tomorrow-"

" No, stay there for a week. I have to go France for a business trip. I will return after a week. You should probably stay there for now."

" Okay. When are you leaving?"

" Tomorrow."

" Okay. Take care."

" Hmm. You too." There was a moment of silence after that. I didn't hung up nor did she. I thought she had something more to say so, I was holding the phone. It was still silent. That moment I thought I should just say sorry and apologise for my rude behaviour.

" I'm sorr-" The phone was already cut off by her. If I had said that little earlier things would have been different. I thought of calling her back but then once again I would just lost my words when ever I'm talking with her.

I finished packing my clothes and things that I will be needing during my stay. Turning off the lights I went to sleep.

Next morning I took the flight and I decided to take John with me. I thought it would be the best choice for me since my mental condition may cause problems with my work. John can be a great help to me so I only pray that everything goes smoothly.

I have never let my work effected by my personal life so, I won't let it happen now. It was tough for me but I had to focus and move on. Perhaps I should visit the bar and ask for help to Dalton. I laughed at my situation knowing that I need help from a mare

bartender. What has my life become?

~to be continued