16 At home

Author notes:

upcoming chapters will be fast-paced

We reached the top 100 in the rankings, it made me very happy after all it's my first time writing a novel (fan-Fic).

Thanks for the support guys and hope you will continue your support.

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It's been a few weeks since the troll incident life in the Hogwarts has always been the same as before.

The Quidditch match between Slytherins and Gryffindors happened in late November and Harry potter is introduced as a seeker of the Gryffindor team which caused a large commotion among the audience. Since the first years are not allowed in quidditch

Harry caught a golden snitch, Hermione, and Ron lit a fire on Snape, when he tried to jinx Harry's broom during the match. Hagrid takes Harry back to his hut. And they started their hunt for the stone.

Hermione and I started to hit off quite well. She worriedly asked about how I managed to escape the troll? Cause the troll entered the room as I left. I just lied. I haven't seen the troll on my way back, and she starts to tell me about her encounter with the troll. How Harry and Ron defeated the troll.

I think seeing Ron casting a spell to defeat the troll and saving her in the process should have caused Hermione forming a crush on him in the original timeline. But I fucked it, by finding her first in the bathroom and helping her.

I also met Nymphadora tonks, on the train on my way back home for the Christmas holidays. Susan introduced her to me, I think I made an impression on her.

I was really anxious about going back home, my safe haven, where I don't need to stay constantly vigilant all the time.

Amelia picked us from the station. She was hugging and crying all over me. I thought it would be annoying, seeing her behaving like that, but a small part of me felt happy inside. Is it because of all the stress from staying in Hogwarts? Or do I really miss her? Maybe it is both? I don't know.

Amelia made us tell all the things that we experienced in the Hogwarts. Especially me since I stand out like a sore thumb by sorting out in Slytherin, we talked for hours and had dinner.

After the dinner, I went to my room and took out the troll blood which I collected previously. I haven't taken it out since Halloween night, I realized something crucial that day that I've neglected ever since my birth in this world.

That night, I took a safe place to watch the action that was going to take place in there.

But as soon as I saw the troll my leg went out like a jelly, I couldn't breathe, I was so scared that I couldn't move. I just stood there like a statue. I could not even think of anything, I blankly watched everything that happened like a puppet.

Only after the troll fell down, I could process what just had happened? That sound bought me back.

Ever since that day, my mind has constantly played those memories and I've suppressed it to not wanting to face the consequence of it.

Harry Potter jumped on the back of the troll, I just stood there, scared out of my wits, not moving a muscle.

Ron On the other hand cast a spell on the wooden cub which the troll had carried and defeated it. Even with practising mind arts for years, I stood there just waiting for death.

I had thought thousands of excuses, since that day, for my behaviour.

Harry could do it, because he is the protagonist right? He can do anything, plot armour won't let him die before the dark lord death. That is what I've told myself ever since that day.

Then, what about Ron?. He is normal in every sense and did not own any plot armour-like bullshit. But he cast the levitating charm perfectly on the troll wooden cub.

The same charm which he failed to cast during the charm class. I may know more charms and spells than him, he only knows a single levitating charm, but he did it, even if he is scared for his life when facing the troll.

It was my first time seeing a magical creature right? So I was overwhelmed by it. So I couldn't move, but what about them? They are also seeing it for the first time, and they also feel the same fear that I felt, after seeing the creature. But they overcame their fear, and dealt a serious blow to the troll, which I could not even think of doing.

I too soon ran out of excuses, for my behaviour, I was scared, way too scared for my life. I don't want to be erased of my identity once again. I don't even want to think about what would happen if I died again?

I was born in this world, with my past identity completely removed, with a bit of knowledge and experience that I had in the past life. Maybe I needed a fresh start, so god removed my identity.

I was scared shitless after knowing that I was reborn in the Harry Potter world.

But the prospect of learning magic overcame it all, I was too enthusiastic about it. so I neglected it at the time. Too eager to learn magic, which only existed in my fantasy before. Knowing that I was in a fictional world made it way worse. I detached myself from many basic things as I couldn't accept the truth and solely focused myself in training magic.

It's time that I accept the truth. I am scared and all alone in this world. All these years I have neglected it under my false sense of security.

Having a second chance at life, I wanted to live my life without any regrets. It was the first decision I made after knowing I get to live another time. No regrets this time.

Practising magic, and growing stronger, made me think, I can do anything I want. I worked hard and obtained the results that I desired, it made me feel secure, that I can survive this world. I can grow stronger.

I didn't even realize the possibility that I could die anytime. Sure I know many possible death flags, but if I actively avoided it, I can grow stronger and stronger I grow longer I live, right?

My time in Hogwarts I learned more about myself than learning magic.

The very first day I learned that I had a god complex. I know the future, and I am stronger than everyone in my generation, and I will only grow stronger. So I looked down on everyone consciously. But the reality proved me otherwise, I am not stronger, there is someone stronger than me.

I accepted it, he is the protagonist, isn't he?. I made it my goal to grow stronger than him that he will ever be.

But this troll incident, reality slapped me like a bitch, made me realise I could be killed anytime. Though I stood in the distance to watch, all it will take for the giant is to move its hand, and I will be smashed into the meat paste.

All it will take some noise for the giant troll to notice me, and I will be a goner, for good.

I thought I understood that this world is not fiction anymore, but my reality. But I fail to understand that death is a real possible scenario in the real world. I never consider it any of my plans.

What they have, that I don't? I know many spells and charms than them, I have greater control over my magic they can ever achieve. All my rational thoughts screamed at me that I could not face that giant troll, as I stood no chance against it, but they did and knocked it unconscious while I quivered in my fear.

After pondering over the day I concluded that as it resolves that I lack. Due to my cautious nature, I subconsciously avoid any real death scenario. At the end of the day, it will help in surviving. But what's the point of me growing stronger only to cower in fear when the time that it matters.

My detachment from reality and lack of resolve, and my very cautious nature, made me very weak. Always hiding from the actual problem, I haven't grown-up at least not mentally, I'm still scared of being alone in this world. I haven't resolved my problem, at least not yet, I only hid it under many layers of beautiful illusions.

I already died once, given a second chance at life, in a fictional world that I already knew. Since I wanted to live without any regrets, it was supposed to end like that I lived happily ever after. It made me avoid the possibility of death.

I am grateful that I learned about my shortcomings sooner in a safe environment. Rather, only to realize at the moment battling a Basilisk or even worse, foolishly challenging dumbledore to a duel.

I am still scared of death, I want to overcome my fear, for that, I need to change myself. I need a strong resolve, growing stronger isn't enough. I need more, more than stronger, never afraid death ever again. I need immortality.

In this world, immortality exists and I would become one. For all that to happen, I need to strengthen my resolve, my cautious nature which made me way more passive in my life than I expect. I need to fix it and take an active role in my life.