9 Billions of bilious blue blistering barnacles

"Billions of blue blistering boiled and barbecued barnacles, Dictatorial duck-billed diplodocus, Gallows-fodder, Interplanetary Pirates, Raggle taggle ruminants!..." shouted a big and chubby red nerve ball at a railway guard, never finishing his monologue.

"Sir, please...calm down" begged the railway guard.

"This is the billionth time that I'm asking you, purple profiteering jellyfish! Where is Platform nine and three-quarters, Whippersnapper!" bawled the nerve ball.

"I'm telling you, Sir, there is no Platform nine and-" replied politely the guard.

"Thundering nitwitted numbskull, do you see my ticket, can you read it! It say 'Platform 9 and ¾' are you blind you squawking popinjay!"

"Sir, I am telling you, this Platform doesn't exist. This isn't a valid tick-"

"Pithecanthropic pickpocket! Don't tell me it isn't a valid ticket! This is the one I receive! Gibbering anthropoids! Dunderheaded coconuts! Autocrats! Cachinnating cockatoo! Licorice-livered lubberly scum in thousands of thundering typhoons!..." continued the nerve ball.

In King's Cross station, a scene to behold was playing inside, attracting a lot of people. A large man with a scruffy moustache was barking at a poor railway guard who passed his worst day of September. And it was only the 1st.

Near to the play, three people among the crowd were particularly eye-catching if the duo - large man - railway guard didn't catch all the attention. There was a thin woman, normal at all regards, a skinny bestacled boy holding a owl in a cage and a tall blond boy with a black cat on his shoulder. The trio watched mid-amused (for the boys), mid-desperate (mostly the woman), the show in front of them asking themselves how they found themselves in this situation.

One month earlier, Harry and Dudley returned to Privet Drive with their purchases. Vernon Dursley was waiting for them all day long on the couch a glass of whiskey in his hands. His expression changed color faster than a chameleon when he saw all the furniture that Dudley and Harry purchased. He almost got a heart attack when he saw the black cat brushed herself on Vernon's leg. Fortunately Petunia came to reassure her husband with confident gestures and explained to him the course of their son's day as delicately as possible. Meanwhile, the boys took their belongings to their rooms. In the evening later that day, Harry and Dudley saw Vernon Dursley in the armchair of the living room lovingly caressing a cat on his legs.

The rest of the month went calmly without any major changes in the Dursleys' lives, except for two or three small things. The first was the new decoration of the living room. A small brown owl, completely motionless, standing on a branch attached to the wall. At the sight of the owl, no one would believe that this animal could be alive and was actually only a stuffed bird. Well, that was not the case. It was actually the owl Petunia had bought from Diagon Alley. The little Brown Owl was named Archimedes by Dudley, the only owl name he ever knew. The bird showed an incredible docile character. So much so that the bird did not move at all during the day and stayed all its time sleeping on its branch. The rare times it moved it was to eat a few seeds in a small container hanging on its branch or when the curious Lady came to tickle the bird and eventually had her paw almost bitten. As for Harry's owl, he named it Hedwig, but the bird only stayed in Harry's room or outdoors at night.

The second thing was magic. It wasn't like it was commonly spoken inside the house. Vernon forced everyone in the house, even Archimedes strangely, to swear an oath to never speak about magic until it was utterly necessary. Meanwhile, Harry and Dudley familiarised themself with the magic world with the help of their new books, but never spoke about it to anyone in the house.

The third new change in the house was the coronation of the new Princess of the hold, Lady. Immediately after she arrived, the Dursley couple found themselves completely charmed by the black cat. Lady had become the little princess of Vernon and Petunia, and like Dudley, all of her whims were fulfilled. Fortunately for Dudley, his cat kept his preference for him. At one point he was afraid of losing his little furball to his parents. Lady showed exceptional intelligence, barely mewed and was able to make herself understand by simple gestures. No wonder she became the family favorite.

Finally, after one month, the time has come for Dudley and Harry to make their luggage to depart for Hogwarts. And although they woke up early with their suitcase ready, and left in advance, they failed to notice one major problem, their train tickets. It was Hagrid who had given Petunia their tickets without giving them any further explanation to find the departing platform. This turned out to be a much more troublesome problem than they had expected. And here we are now.

"Cercopithecus! Not even capable of pointing to the correct Platform! Odd-toed ungulate! All of them!" growled Vernon returning to his family.

"I told you Vernon. They don't know where the train platform is." said Petunia trying to calm her husband.

"Rotten sand-hoppers! Petunia, my dear, don't you really know where to go?" asked Vernon to his wife

"All I know is the Platform is hidden between the 9 and 10 Platform. We need to pass through a wall, but I don't know which one." Petunia said sorry.

"Passing through a wall! Steamroller! All of these wiz-weird people need to learn common sense, I told you Petunia" grumbled Vernon.

In the meantime, Harry and Dudley were sitting on their luggages watching the clock of the station. Eleven o'clock minus ten. They only had ten minute before the train departed. Harry was eating his thumb nail voraciously while Dudley was whirling his wand between his fingers as every Muggle believed it was a drumstick.

"What do we do now?" Harry asked Dudley.

"Don't know," he said softly.

"Do you think we will miss the train?"

"Don't know"

"What will we do if we miss it?"

"Don't know"

"Maybe there is another train later for those who are late?"

"Don't know"

"This woman just say 'Muggle!'"

"Don't kn- Wait what?!"

Dudley looked in the direction Harry pointed and saw a family of redheads led by a small plump woman also with red hair and walking past the crowd in the station. The family went to a barrier between Platform 9 and 10. Harry and Dudley immediately retrieved Petunia and Vernon, who continued to insult the staff of the station and followed the family. When they saw them stopped, Vernon walked towards them but just before he could say anything, the oldest boy of the family ran into the barrier between the platform and disappeared. Vernon seeing this froze his mouth wide open. Dudley and Harry were also surprised by the sight. And even before they could regain their mind, two other redhead boys, twins brother apparently, dashed successively towards the barrier and vanished too. This was the last nail in the coffin for Vernon, whose brains just ceased functioning. Petunia sighed seeing her husband like this and went ahead of him to speak with the red haired woman.

"Excuse me?" said Petunia.

"Oh? Good Morning! That's how the Mug- I mean the 'people" still said, right?" responded the woman a bit troubled by Petunia coming.

She wasn't the only one. The last boy and the girl beside her also looked at Petunia a bit confused. It was clear they weren't familiar with Muggle. Dudley grinned at the scene in front of him. Muggles were surprised by Wizards and Wizards were surprised by Muggles. No wonder communication between them is complicated.

"Don't worry, I am here for my son and nephew. They are going to Hogwarts too." declared Petunia pointing Harry and Dudley to the woman.

"Oh! Yes! I understand. Sorry for my clumsiness, I am Molly Weasley and this is my son and daughter, Ron and Ginny" greeted Molly Weasley.

Ron and Ginny nodded to Petunia a bit embarrassed. As for Harry and Dudley, they moved forward and greeted the family. Molly was surprised by Dudley's size. Her own son was tall too but Dudley was far taller, she even wondered if the boy was really eleven years old. Ron awkwardly greeted Harry and Dudley, and as for Ginny, she was instantly captivated by Lady and wanted to pet her. Dudley as a gentleman, and knowledgeable about Lady charms, let the girl carry the feline in her arms.

"Whoa! Her fur is so silky! said Ginny, caressing Lady.

"Ginny! Hold yourself" scolded her mother.

Ginny pouted cutely but didn't give back Lady who purred beautifully in Ginny's arms.

"I'm sorry about that. You want to go to Platform 9 and ¾ , am I right?" asked Molly.

"Yes" simply replied Petunia

"It's simple dear. You just have to-"

"Here goes nothing!'" cut Dudley pushing his carts at full speed towards the barrier.

Nobody understood what happened except Lady who jumped from Ginny arms to land on Dudley shoulder. Dudley dashed towards the barrier and before he even knew it, he was standing on a platform with a red steam engine facing him and with a wrought-iron archway with the words Platform Nine and Three-Quarters on it behind him.

"Nailed it" self-congratulated Dudley.

Smoke drifted from the engine above the crowd. Owls were seen flying and cats of various colors roamed on the docks. Dudley inspected the carriage while waiting for his parents, realizing that the first few were already packed with students who said their goodbye to their family. There was a boy with his supposed grandmother weeping at her arms, another with dreadlock surrounded by other students who wanted to see what was in the box in his hands, and many other scenes happened on the platform. Dudley didn't wait too long as Harry was arriving beside him followed by Mrs. Weasley and her children and Petunia who grabbed a catatonic Vernon.

"Duddy! Or you okay? Why did you rush like that? You really scared your father earlier." scolded Petunia.

Dudley simply shrugged and took a glance as his father who was still in the process of rebooting. They pressed through the crow and to find some empty compartment near the end of the train. Dudley casually lifted his luggage as he barely felt the weight and climbed in the train. Harry followed but had some problem to lift his trunk and Vernon was in no condition to help him. Fortunately, the twins from earlier came to help him. Dudley didn't bother further and went into the carriage to find an empty room. The first two compartments were already full until the third was only occupied by what seemed to be a student slumped on the seat while snoring. Dudley shrugged and put his luggage in a corner of the compartment. He left the carriage and went outside to say goodbye to his parents.

"Jumping catfish! Never do me a fright like that you hear me. I almost struck dead…. Be careful, would you? I still don't trust these… You-Know-What… if anything goes wrong you return immediately at home. Oh my little candy apple, I will miss you so much… Oh and also you too Duddy!" said awkwardly Vernon who lovingly petted Lady.

Dudley rolled his eyes and finally said goodbye to his parents, twice for his mother who was holding him tight. He took back Lady on his shoulder and turned to the carriage. He also saw the redhead family say their goodbye to each other, the mother preventively scolding her sons, as it seemed.

"Hey, Mom, guess what? Guess who we just met on the train?" said one of the twins.

"You know that black-haired boy who was near us in the station with the other big blond-haired? Know who he is?" asked the other twins.

"Who?"

"Harry Potter!" they said together.

'And I am leaving...', thought Dudley returning to his compartment and hearing a little girl squeaking. Finally, a whistle sounded and the train departed for Hogwarts.

.......

"Dudley will be okay, Vernon. Don't worry too much" said Petunia, reassuring him when they were leaving the station.

"I know he will be okay, he is as strong as his father,... But what about Lady? If they hurt her, I don't know if I could support it" replied Vernon.

"She will be fine, Vernon. Duddy is watching her" said Petunia calmly.

"You right" sighed Vernon.

"Oh! you are here?" said a woman holding the hand of a little girl behind the couple.

"Miss Weasley?" exclaimed Petunia.

"Please call me Molly. I just said goodbye to my sons, I am always worried when to go to school" simply replied Molly Weasley.

"Why? Is it dangerous?" growled Vernon pricked.

"Oh? No, no, no! Nothing of the sort. It's just every year since they got to school, I receive letters of my twin's misdeed. It seems they want to surpass themselves every year." sighed Mrs. Weasley.

"Oh? Well… Boys are boys" laughed Vernon a bit reassured.

"About boys! Is it true? Concerning your nephew! He is really Harry Potter?" asked Mrs. Weasley, her eyes sparkling the same way as her daughter next to her.

"Y-Yes, he is..." muttered Petunia bitterly and Vernon's expression slightly darkened.

"Oh, Great Lord! I have so many questions! Please, I wanted to know. Do he-!" began Mrs. Weasley.

"It's him!" exclaimed a man behind the Dursley.

"Hum?" said Vernon turning around and watching a group of police officers accompanied by the railway guard from earlier, and coming to him.

"Officer! He is the man who assaulted me" declared the guard.

"What?!" said Vernon surprised.

"Sire, would you come with us please." asked a policeman.

"What are you saying? I did nothing wrong!" replied fiercely Vernon.

"Sire, please. Don't make it more complicated" continued the policeman moving toward Vernon.

"Don't touch me, I know my rights!" howled Vernon.

"Sire, please," said another policeman who grabbed Vernon Dursley with his colleague, right in front of Molly and Petunia completely dumbfounded.

"Don't you dare! I told you, I know my rights! Billions of bilious blue blistering barnacles! Landlubbers! Technocrats! Blundering baboons! Gobbledygooks! ..."