I can change

Gu Liwei could faintly hear the sound of Sun He crying. His heart was screaming to go to Sun He, to console him, to tell him he loved him, to tell him everything was okay. Gu Liwei hesitated, his hand on the bedroom door. He stood there for a few minutes stuck in his thoughts, sighed before heading to the bathroom.

He needed time. Sun He needed time. Gu Liwei was scared that if he went to console Sun He now without giving each other time that they would fall back into the same habits. Sun He would probably become more cautious, weary of all his actions, waiting on the day that Gu Liwei would finally leave him. This was not healthy. Their relationship was not healthy. Something needed to change or Gu Liwei would end up losing Sun He. That was the last thing Gu Liwei wanted.

When Sun He woke up in the morning, his eyes were swollen and he felt out of it. He headed to the bathroom and completed his morning routine sluggishly, trying to avoid looking at himself in the mirror. After he got dressed, he hesitated to leave his room. After leaving his room, he would not be able to go back. Outside of his door stood his happiness or his despair. Sun He could feel his heartbeat speeding up and his hands started shaking. He tried to calm himself down by inhaling and exhaling for a few minutes before he mustered the courage to open the door.

The smell of bacon hit him the moment he stepped outside of his room. Sun He headed towards the kitchen and could not help smiling when he saw Gu Liwei cooking facing away from him. Everything is okay, right? Sun He walked towards him and paused before embracing Gu Liwei's back. He felt Gu Liwei stiffening before relaxing.

"Did you sleep okay?" Gu Liwei asked him without turning back. Sun He shook his head then realized Gu Liwei could not see him but hesitated to talk.

"Breakfast is ready. I made enough food to last you until dinner tonight." Gu Liwei whispered. He turned around and smiled at Sun He. Sun He looked up at him and was shocked to see dark circles under Gu Liwei's eyes. Gu Liwei clearly did not have enough sleep and Sun He wondered if he even slept at all. At this moment, Sun He realized that he was not the only one suffering. He was not the only one worrying about the possible end of their relationship. This is my fault, he thought. I did this to us. Sun He blanched and he tried to ignore the pangs in his chest.

They ate breakfast as they usually did; with Gu Liwei serving Sun He first before he, himself, ate. After breakfast, Sun He cleared up the table and packaged the rest of the food before putting it in the refrigerator. Gu Liwei washed the dishes and Sun He dried them before putting them away. Everything was done silently as if they had tacitly agreed to avoid talking about last night.

Gu Liwei headed to the guest room to use the bathroom. Sun He headed towards the living room nervously awaiting Gu Liwei's return. His sight fell on Gu Liwei's coat on the sofa. Sun He grabbed the coat and headed to the closet by the front door to hang it up. After hanging the coat, Sun He stared at the mixture of his and Gu Liwei's coats and Jackets in the closet, a sad smile hanging on his lips. He looked down at their shoes and his eyes fell on a box near the shoe rack. "A little gift I got for you." Gu Liwei's voice startled Sun He. Sun He looked back and seeing Gu Liwei's encouraging smile, he grabbed the box.

Sun He opened the box and inside was the latest drawing tablet from Country A. Sun He smiled before closing the box. Gu Liwei was always thinking of him. Tears started falling out of his eyes and fell on the box. He did not dare look up. He did not want Gu Liwei to see him crying, but he could not stop his tears. Gu Liwei took the box from him and put it back before embracing Sun He. He felt disheartened at the sight of Sun He's tears, but he knew there was nothing he could do to stop them. They could not go back to how they were before. Gu Liwei did not dare to. Gu Liwei took Sun He's hands in his and headed towards the sofa with him. He hesitated between the sofa across from Sun He and sitting next to Sun He. Sun He looked up at him. Gu Liwei sighed at the sight of his red eyes and took Sun He in his arms before lying back on the sofa with Sun He.

"We really need to talk." Gu Liwei started.

He felt Sun He embracing him tighter and he was silently crying on his shoulders. Gu Liwei waited until Sun He had calmed down enough before voicing his thoughts. "Sometimes, I feel like you are forcing yourself. You always silently agree to everything I want. You never really tell me about your fears or your discomforts and you are so cautious around me that it is unsettling. You are always working so hard to please me and I appreciate that, but I cannot help feeling distressed. I want you to rely on me more, to truly let me in. I want you to trust if not in yourself but at least in me. But even after six months, it still feels like I have not earned your trust."

Sun He listened to Gu Liwei and could feel his heart hurting more and more with each one of his words. Sun He clenched his fists trying not to cry. "It's not that I don't trust you." He started. He does trust Gu Liwei. At least he thinks that he does, however… "I am scared Liwei. I am scared that you will get bored of me. I am scared that you will leave me. Liwei, I do not want to lose you, so I have been trying hard to make sure my fears do not get in the way of what we have. Liwei, please, do not leave me like everybody else. I will change if I have to, so please…" Sun He stopped. He hated how pathetic he sounded. He hated feeling like this, so powerless, so weak. In a blink of an eye, he could lose everything.

Gu Liwei sighed then lifted Sun He's head to look at him. His eyes wandered from Su He's brown hair to his beautiful dark eyes which he always lose himself in, his button nose, his lips that were begging to be kissed, and then to the bruise that marred his beautiful face. "I am not asking you to change. I like you. I like everything about you but I do not know what else to do to make you feel less scared. I do not think anything I have tried is working. I think your fears are more than just the useful fears. Sun He, I think you need to see a therapist."

Sun He's eyes widened and he could not believe what he just heard. "Liwei, I am not sick."

"I am not saying you are, Baobei, but you really need to talk to someone. I am scared that if we continue like this, we will end up hating each other and hating being with each other." Gu Liwei confessed.

Sun He stiffened and got off Gu Liwei and headed towards the living room window. He turned to face the window and looked at the grim sky. He could fear tears falling out of his eyes and his shoulders were trembling. "Is that an ultimatum?"

Hearing his choked voice, Gu Liwei felt distressed. He got up and walked towards Sun He. "This is not a "if you don't then I will leave" situation. It is just a suggestion. No matter your decision, I will support you. How about you think about it and let me know what you think after I come back from Country A?"

Sun He turned around abruptly. "You are leaving?"

"Yes, I have to go back. I am not completely done with my work there. I will be back in ten days at most. You can take the time I am gone to think about it. Okay?"

Sun He was uncertain. Therapy was never an option that he ever considered. Was there something wrong with him? He wondered. Would Gu Liwei leave him if he said no? Sun He hesitated before nodding. "When are you leaving?"

"My plane is at 2100 tonight. I plan on leaving here at 1800 to allow myself enough time to get to the airport and go through the check-in process."

Gu Liwei felt guilty lying to Sun He. He knew he was running away a little. He needed to think. They both needed to think. Gu Liwei hoped by the time he returned home that Sun He would be able to start accepting him a little more in his life. He hoped Sun He would not be scared to tell him his fears. He hoped that Sun He would start to love him.

Sun He looked at the clock. Eight hours. He only had eight hours before Gu Liwei left for another country. Sun He looked at the dark circles underneath Gu Liwei's eyes. "Sleep with me…" Seeing Gu Liwei hesitating, Sun He added, "We will just sleep… You don't look like you have rested at all."

Gu Liwei nodded then followed Sun He to his bedroom. Sun He burrowed himself in his arms the moment they lied down. Sun He could hear and feel Gu Liwei's steady heartbeat. Lying in the bed with Gu Liwei made him more relaxed. With him by his side, he could trick himself into believing that everything was okay. Sun He lifted his head and his eyes met with Gu Liwei's honey-colored ones. He slowly approached Gu Liwei giving him enough time to refuse him. Gu Liwei's breath quickened and he met Sun He's lips with his own. Gu Liwei softly kissed him before probing Sun He's mouth with his tongue. Sun He allowed him access and Gu Liwei explored his mouth and sucked on his lips as if trying to imprint Sun He's taste in his mind. Their tongues danced together and Sun He could feel his body soften. To Sun He, Gu Liwei's kisses were bittersweet.