The Fame

"I want us to have an agreement, Sandreanna. Mother to daughter agreement."

Mom and I were left alone inside my room to have a conversation. Nanatiling nasa labas ang iba pang kasama namin sa condo. Gusto ko nang magpahinga pero ang gusto ni Mommy ay mag-usap na muna kami and I can rest after the talk. I agreed eventually.

"Kalilimutan namin ang lahat ng ginawa mo noon. Babalik ka sa pamilya natin na parang walang nangyari. At hahayaan ka namin sa trabahong napili mong pasukan… sa isang kondisyon."

"What is it?" wala sa sariling tanong ko, parang zombie pa rin, wala nang emosyon.

"You can have all that privilege in your life just broke up with that Siggy Lizares. He's no good for you, San-"

"Fine. What else?"

Mom was silent when I interrupted her lament about that talk. Siguro nagulat sa diretsahan kong sinagot.

I heard she cleared her throat before talking again.

"And you'll cut ties with him."

"Consider it done," walang pag-aalinlangan na sagot ko sabay tingin sa kaniya.

"That fast?"

"That fast. That's what you want right? And I can't associate myself with a rapist and incest."

Pathetic, Sandreanna. Sobrang pathetic. After everything, babalik at babalik ka rin talaga sa bagay na tinatakbuhan mo. Pathetic and disgusting.

"Oh… right… right! Since it's fine with you, pack your things now. You're going to have a one week vacation with us, your family, Sandreanna, sa Negros. The Hinolans have an upcoming reunion and we need your presence there. Don't worry about your manager, he's fine with it and I also invited him to be with us."

I sighed and looked away, endulging myself with the view outside my window. "Okay."

Mukhang wala na nga yata ako sa katinuan.

The Hinolans, indeed, have a reunion. It was grandiose and I was there to perform. Yeah, to fucking perform! At para na rin ipagsabi nila sa lahat na anak nila ako. The Sandi Hinolan who is rising above the stars is the eldest of Dr. Bernardo and Dra. Cindy Hinolan! Damn it.

Parang double purpose na rin kung bakit ako nandito. I got the time to bond with my siblings after a year of not seeing each other. Lalo na si Dahlia, nakausap ko rin sa wakas. Hindi alam ng mga kapatid ko kung anong nangyari. No one said it to them and I will never say it to them. Labas sila rito.

I also got the time I needed for myself. Nakahinga ako kahit papaano. I've been ignoring him since that day. Ignored his calls and messages. To simplify it, I just turned off my phone.

But that one week went by so fast. Pagbalik ko sa Manila, gumawa ako ng sulat na ibibigay ko sa kaniya. He, kahit papaano, needed an explanation from me. It was a short letter, almost a note. I said sorry because I'm breaking up with him and I can't do it personally because I am too busy to face him. Kahit hindi naman talaga.

I used Mikan as the mailman since he's the only one I knew here in Manila na kahit papaano'y may contact sa kaniya. Mikan didn't asked about what happened. Because I remained silent.

But that escalated quickly. Akala ko magiging smooth ang lahat at tapos na ang lahat sa amin after I gave him a note. He got an opportunity to corner me from one of my taping days. No security, no manager, no staffs, no other people around. Malalim na ang gabi at gusto ko lang sanang mapag-isa ng mga time na 'yon sa van dahil hindi ako makapahinga sa tent na naka-assign sa akin. It was jampacked with people kasi and they're having a meeting which excluded my presence kaya um-exit muna ako. Hinayaan din naman ako ng mga taong nandoon kasi secured naman ang buong place and it was rented just for our shoot.

Akala ko si Manong Bert ang maabutan ko, siya pala.

I sighed, closed my eyes, and anticipated that he'll be gone with a blink of an eye. Practically repeating myself that he's some kind of apparation and the image of him before me is far from the truth.

But when I got to open my eyes, he's still there, standing still like a statue, parang hindi natitinag. I swallowed hard and bit my lower lip. Oh, God! Not now, tears!

Kailangan niya ba talagang magpakita ngayon? The sending of note was so fine for me. Not this personal type of break up. I hate it.

He advanced to me like a lion chasing after his prey. My jaw clenched and prepared myself for a close distance to me. I prepared myself to be immuned by his scent that I've missed for two whole weeks.

Get your grip together, Sandreanna! This isn't the right time to think about that fucking scent! Not ever!

He stopped midway and he raised his right hand na may hawak na isang kapirasong papel. Nanatili ang tingin ko sa kaniyang mga mata, nilalabanan ito kahit sa loob-loob ko, gusto nang bumigay ng sarili kong mundo sa mga tingin niya pa lang sa mata. That damn innocent looking eyes!

"What is this?" his thunderous voice echoed in this empty parking area of this secluded place.

I glanced at that piece of paper pero agad ding ibinalik ang tingin sa kaniya. "Paper," bored kong sagot.

I want to hate you for what you've done! I really want to, Siggy! Because what you did was the most disgusting that ever happened in this lifetime. You're like a demon doing that deed! Kaya gustong-gusto ko! Gustong-gusto ko! But looking at you now, bakit naghahanap ang puso ko ng rason para hindi ka kagalitan? Am I that insane?

Nagkasalubong ang kaniyang kilay, mukhang nainis sa naging sagot ko. Damn it! Tama naman, 'di ba? Papel naman talaga 'yang hawak niya? Kabahan siya kapag sinagot ko bakal kahit obviously na papel naman talaga. Ang engot nitong Lizares na ito!

But his face remained stiff. It's speaks the phrase "hindi ako nakikipagbiruan dito, punyeta!"

I cleared my throat and looked away.

"Really, Sandreanna? A break up note? All of a sudden makikipaghiwalay ka through this piece of shit na ipinadala mo pa kay Mikan? After a week of being gone ito ang ibubungad mo sa akin? Kinontak kita pero hindi ka sumasagot. Hindi ko alam kung saan ka nagpunta. Kung hindi pa nag-post ang kapatid mong si Hannah at kung hindi ko pa tinanong si Dahlia, hindi ko alam kung saan ka hahanapin, kaya what the hell, Sandreanna?"

I stared at him for too long. Quite shocked with the rage he's been showing me. He just fucking proved to me that whatever I heard about him was right. Never niya akong minura. Not in the entirety of our relationship… or rather this relationshit.

Dahil sa ipinakita niyang outrage, mas nanaig sa akin ang pagka-disgusto sa kaniya. Yeah, I am that disgusted.

"Yep, Siggy, what the hell? Kaya ba ibinigay mo sa akin ang lahat-lahat ng kailangan ko? Kaya ba g-in-irlfriend mo ako? Dahil gusto mong makuha ang katawan ko? Katawan ko ba ang kapalit ng lahat ng tulong na ibinigay mo, Siggy? Having sex with someone is really your pleasure, huh, Siggy?"

"What the hell are you talking about, Sandi?"

Mariin ko siyang tiningnan, pinipigilan ang sariling maibagsak ang namuong luha.

Ilang segundo akong napatingin sa kaniya. Tinatantiya ang sariling nararamdaman. Tahimik din siya, paniguradong nag-aantay sa isasagot ko sa naging reaksiyon niya. But I don't want to talk about it anymore. We are done. And I am finally going to end us tonight.

"Naisulat ko na ito sa piece of shit na hawak mo pero uulitin ko mismo sa harapan mo. I am breaking up with you, Siggy. I can't be with someone whose doings were more evil than the devil itself."

"What? Why? What did I do? Just fucking give me a valid reason why? We're fine, Sandreanna, we're fucking fine until you came home in Negros with your parents and this happened! I am not against you reconciling with your parents, Sandreanna, pero anong nangyari at bakit biglang naging ganito? Deserve ko naman siguro ng eksplenasyon, 'di ba, Sandreanna?"

Pumikit ako ng mariin at tuluyang naibagsak ang luhang kanina ko pang pinipigilan. Gusto kong ilayo ang paningin ko sa mga mata niyang nagsimulang mamasa dahil sa luha.

I can't do this anymore. I need to go!

"J-Just please let go of me, Siggy," I whispered as the sky flashed a lightning in the distance that seconded by rumbles of thunder. It's like a storm is on its way.

"I can't let go, Sandreanna, because I don't want to let go! Bigyan mo ako ng rason kung bakit biglang naging ganito?"

I can feel his frustrations but I want to be numb to not feel it anymore. Please let me be numb enough to endure the pain that I can feel from him.

Umiling ako, nanatiling tikom ang aking bibig. Ayokong saktan siya ng ganito pero ako ang masasaktan kapag pinagpatuloy ko ang pakikipag-relasyon sa kaniya. Mommy was all along right.

Ang namumuong sama ng panahon ay biglang naibagsak na parang unos. I remained standing, not moving an inch kahit na nababasa na ako ng ulan. Siya rin, nanatili sa kinatatayuan niya na tila ba'y hindi alintana ang malakas na ulan.

"Speak, Sandi! I want to know the truth! I want to know the reason! Kausapin mo ako. Pag-usapan natin 'yong problema. We can sort it out, pangga. We're a team, right? Aayusin natin 'to."

I massaged the bridge of my nose at mas lalong mariin na pumikit. Hindi ko na kaya ang pagmamakaawang ginagawa niya.

"Pangga, please, magsalita ka naman."

Yumuko siya at akmang hahawakan ang kamay ko pero agad kong iwinasiwas ang kamay niya't halos itulak siya, malayo lang sa akin.

I have the couraged to cry and cry because he will never notice it. Basang-basa ang pisnge ko ng ulan, hindi mapapansin na iyak lang ako nang iyak.

"Nagawa mong lapastanganin ang sarili mong kadugo dahil lang sa tawag ng laman mo? Dahil hayuk na hayuk ka sa sex, pati ang pinsan mo pinatos mo? Ayoko sa ganoon, Siggy. Ayoko sa mga taong katulad mo kaya makikipahiwalay ako sa 'yo. There! I said it. That's the reason I don't want to be with you anymore. Maging enough sana 'yon, Siggy!" pabagsak kong sinabi.

"Maghiwalay na tayo, Siggy! Make your dreams come true because I'm going mine too. This time, without you, without me, without the presence of each other. Please let go!" dagdag na sabi ko at agad tumalikod, naglakad palayo para hindi niya makita ang nanunuot kong puso at nanlalabo kong paningin.

Ang sikip sa dibdib. Hindi ko na kaya.

Mabilis ang naging lakad ko pabalik sa venue ng shooting. I heard him shout my name and felt his presence behind my back pero mas lalo kong binilisan ang paglalakad ko hanggang sa may nakita akong security around the area na may hawak na payong at mukhang hinahanap talaga ako. Lumapit ako sa kaniya at nagtago sa likod niya.

Hindi ko pinakinggan ang mga sinabi niya. Humingi ako ng tulong kay manong guard na paalisin si Siggy. Hanggang sa dumami ang nakiusyoso at wala na akong pakialam doon.

It was my first heartbreak but I trust myself that I can get through it. I do hope so.

After a week, an opportunity came to my doorstep that became the path para makuha ko ang tugatok ng kasikatan.

Ang bilis ng pangyayari. I was picked by Netflix to star in a series. I was the only pinoy to be casted on that series and it's an honor. Hanggang sa nagtuloy-tuloy na at tuluyan na akong nakilala, hindi lang sa Pilipinas, kundi pati sa buong mundo.

Most promising rising star of this generation, Sandi Hinolan. O mas kilala ng netizens na @sandiph. Sandi PH galing sa PH.

The series that became the gateway of my unfathomable success renewed for four seasons kaya going six year na akong nawala sa Pilipinas. Mag-s-six years na rin akong naninirahan sa ibang bansa just to make my dreams come true. Hindi ko nga rin aakalain na mas sikat pa ako sa mga taong dati'y hinahangaan ko lang sa Pilipinas.

It changed my life, if you asked. Ang daming nagbago. I had some controversies, linked with famous guys in the industry and even outside of the industry, relationships with my co-stars and other famous people and personalities that eventually ended up with nothing, movies, series, commercials, endorsements, modelling, and opportunities, and name it.

Lahat din ng klaseng role, naranasan ko. I was in a drama, comedy, romance, horror, action, fantasy, thriller, science fiction. Naging bida, kontrabida, extra, cameo, at kung anu-ano pa. Every profession in this world, na-experience ko na sa daming projects na nagawa ko with the span of five years here in abroad. Kahit anong klaseng role, if that is an opportunity to grow and learn, tinatanggap ko. And that's what they like about me, I am that flexible in this world I'm in.

Bukod sa pag-aartista, nagbalik na rin ako sa pag-aaral. Nag-stop kasi ako sa UP a few years ago after I accepted the Netflix's offer. After so many years, ngayon lang ako bumalik sa pag-aaral. This time, Yale University naman ang pinasukan ko. I'm taking online classes.

May mga naipundar ako sa ginagawa kong ito. May mga natulungan din ako. May mga nakilala. This life is surely the best life I've ever had in my life.

Except that… except that... I don't know. I can't find the right piece in this void I'm strangely feeling nowadays.

Someone knocked on the door of my dressing room. May nagmi-make-up sa akin, preparing me for a guesting with an international talk show. Parte ng promotion ng movie na kasali ako. It's with Marvel Cinematic Universe and I'm one of the superheroes!

Sobrang hectic ng schedule ko. I barely have a time of my own. Siguro 'yong time na mag-isa ako, 'yong time na matutulog na ako. I overworked, I admit that. But I needed to keep myself busy, I needed to load my mind with so much work. Para hindi mapadpad sa kung anu-ano, kung saan-saan, at kung sinu-sino, ang utak ko.

Mama Hector came in with a wide smile. Nagsalubong ang kilay ko. Ang saya naman yata ng momager ko?

I tag along Mama Hector with me. Sinabi ko kasi sa kaniya na hindi ko tatanggapin ang offer ng Netflix kapag hindi siya ang magiging manager ko. E, that time, gustong-gusto niya ang opportunity na dumating sa buhay ko kaya buong loob niyang tinanggap ang maging international manager ko. Up until now, siya pa rin ang one and only manager ko. All around 'yan. Kahit saan, kahit kailan, si Mama Hector lang ang maaasahan ni Sandi PH.

"Guess who's in town?"

"Who?" bored kong tanong habang pinagmamasdan ang make-up artist sa ginagawa niya. Not a fan of mind games, though.

"Mikan is here!"

Now, that's an attention getter! Bongga akong napalingon sa kaniya with wide eyes.

"Nandito ang Mikaneko?"

Napangiwi si Mama Hector sa tinanong ko at napa-iling. "Sorry to disappoint you, dear, pero bestfriend mo lang ang nandito. Pinapasabi niyang nandito siya. Kasi you know, you barely touch your phone nowadays kaya sa akin niya ni-relay ang message. He's in London, alone, maybe indulging himself a little vacation out of their hectic schedule."

Mas lalong lumawak ang ngiti ko sa nalamang balita from Mama Hector. Mikan is here! It's been a year or months or I don't know when was the last time I saw him kaya! Parehong busy ang mga buhay-buhay namin. Minsan nga si Mama Hector na lang ang nag-u-update sa akin sa mga ganap niya sa buhay.

"He's going to celebrate Christmas here?" nagtatakang tanong ko matapos ang sayang naramdaman ko kanina.

"I don't know. Maybe, maybe not. Ikaw kaya magtanong."

"Okay, okay. I'll contact him later, after the interview. Thanks for telling me, Mama Hector."

Mama Hector smiled at me and tapped my bare shoulder. "Pahinga rin minsan, Sandreanna, ha? Hindi naman kita pinipilit na tanggapin lahat ng offers sa 'yo. Huminga ka rin minsan. Hindi na muna ako tatanggap ng appointments for you. I'll give you time to relax with your bestfriend. A week is fine. Please do use it."

I pouted. "Masiyadong mahaba ang one week, Mama. One day? Okay na 'yon. Baka maghanap ang katawan ko ng trabaho kapag ginawa mong one week."

I glanced at my make-up artist. He wrinkled his nose. Maybe hindi naintindihan ang pinag-uusapan namin ni Mama Hector. Well, I don't care.

"Six days."

I blowed some raspberries and boringly stared at my reflection. "Two days."

"Nah uh, five days. Kahit five lang, Sandi."

"Masiyadong mahaba pa rin 'yong five days. What about three? I'm fine with three days."

"Four days."

"Three days, Ma. Three days lang. I have jampacked schedule kaya."

"Hindi mo ba gustong mag-emote muna kahit sandali? You and Harry just broke up, Sandi."

Napa-irap ako sa sinabi ni Mama Hector. Kailangan talagang i-mention niya ang ex kong iyon?

"I am busy, Mama. Wala akong time sa emote-emote na 'yan."

"Taray! Kung makapagsalita ka ngayon na wala kang time mag-emote, parang hindi nakipaglampungan kay Harry, ah?"

Halos matawa ako sa sinabi ni Mama Hector. Talagang pinaalala niya pa.

"Past is past, Mama Hector."

"Psh. Whatever. Ano? Four days na kasi. Balita ko one week din ang stay ni Mikan dito."

I sighed again. "Three days, Ma."

Mama Hector also sighed, almost giving up. "Fine. Three days. I'll give you three days, Sandi."

I smiled and clapped. "Yehey! Three days it is."

~