Chapter 43
"Do you remember Steven from middle school? One day he told me excitedly that Lisa from the class next door confessed to him. They were dating. I felt my heart clench at the thought but I didn't know why. Because I liked Lisa? I didn't even know her. She was considered a beauty but honestly, I couldn't see it. And if I was honest with myself I noticed that I was more sad about Steven having less time to play with me. I didn't think about it further but in retrospect I think that was the first sign. I subconsciously didn't inspect my emotions any deeper because I feared for what it might unveil. At that time I was twelve years old."
Christian's eyes widen, realizing his brother had this secret for six years.
"With time I suspected it more and more. I felt my eyes being drawn to guys rather than girls. I was terrified and forcibly shifted my gaze back to the girls. I intentionally looked at their breasts and bottoms just to realize I didn't care about them. All my friends managed to talk for hours about the physical attributes of female idols or classmates. I just echoed them. I figured out what society would deem beautiful and just copy that. But I never really could join in with an honest opinion. I consoled myself that I might be a late bloomer that it is totally normal not to have sexual thoughts about girls at thirteen or fourteen. I denied vehemently the voice in my head that shouted 'But Steven's abs get juicier by the day.' I spent nearly three years like this thinking one thing voicing the other. I instinctively knew I was 'different' and that I was the one who needed to hide, not them.
"At fourteen, Steven, my best friend since kindergarten and probably my first crush started to echo the jokes he heard from his older brother 'Haha, look, that is so gay'. 'Gay' became a new trending word in our circle and everyone used it, to mock something, to belittle it, to dismiss it, to reject it. The word didn't have any deeper meaning for them, but I on the other hand started to feel really out of place. Like this, they drew a clear line between gays and them, showing clearer that gays were different and only being worthy of mocking. Even though I didn't yet admit my sexuality to myself I started to feel uncomfortable amongst them. I subconsciously distanced myself from them.
"In that year a famous celebrity came out as being gay. Mom read about it shortly before dinner so she commented how they would only make it for the publicity. 'Maybe they are gay, but that doesn't mean it is proper to talk about'. It wasn't a total rejection of homosexuality but it also meant that it was something to hide, to act on in secret.
"At fifteen my mind and body forced me to finally admit it to myself. I got to know new people. They were fun and we hung out often. The one I was closest with was Adrian, a cheerful, happy guy. There was one moment when we talked alone. He leaned in close to me. In hindsight I think he might have been interested in me, he might have even wanted to kiss me in that moment. And my heart beat like crazy and I clearly felt: I wanted this. I wanted him to lean in closer. I panicked at my own thoughts. I immediatly drew back and rushed back home. I was sure to stay far away from him in the future. But that night my body played a cruel trick on me. I had my very first wet dream. And Adrian was starring in it. A guy. I was out of excuses for myself. When I saw the mess the next morning and recalled the dream, I cried in my pillow for an hour. Thankfully, it was the weekend so nobody bothered me when I slept in.
"I was frantic. Once I couldn't deny it anymore to myself, I thought the word gay was just etched into my forehead. I was nervous, fidgeting the whole day. But nothing happened.
"In those days I often thought about what would happen if my secret came out. Would my classmates still be friends with me? I clearly felt that I was different, that I was a minority. It could go either way. But what then? Even if by some kind of miracle they still accept me what would happen then? Once a secret is known by more then one person it is bound to get out. And then? I dreaded the possibility but forced me to ask myself: What would happen if our parents found out? They are very old-fashioned. Mom the housewife, dad the successful lawyer who comes home in the evening to his wife and kids expecting dinner. They lived this picture of the normal, happy family. I also liked that picture. But I could never have that. At least having children to complete the picture would be impossible for me. Our parents are deeply tied in the social circles. Our father depends on this for his business to run. What would happen if me being gay gets known? Would clients start to distance themselves from our parents? Would our parents start to distance themselves from me?
"I didn't know and I was afraid to find out. And why didn't I tell my brother? Why didn't I tell you? Because you are molded by our father, you are his spitting image. And I like that about you but it also makes me fear you. You studied hard, you are nearly done with your law degree and are already working part-time with dad. One day you will step into his footsteps taking over the office from him. You will live out that happy family picture our parents painted for us. But I felt I would be a hindrance to you and I thought that there is a high possibility of you sharing our parents opinions.
"So I hid it. For three years I hid my sexuality. But nearing graduation I knew something had to change. Dad started to ask me about my university applications. He expected me to study law like you do. He wordlessly expected me to study in the same university as you and live - like you - at home. Once the picture painted itself in my head I felt suffocated. With this I would be bound by my family constantely in fear of you all finding out."
Alex takes a break and gulps down the whole glass of wine. He needed it for the next part.
"And I admit as time went by I finally wanted to experience it. I wanted to act on my sexuality, finding love, finding happiness. But I didn't dare it as long as there was a possibility of you all finding out. If I had to live with you in the same house for the years, months after finding out, forced to do so because I was still in school, it made me panic.
"But there was a possibility: After graduation if everything went sideways, I could move out. It was the first time I had a plan B. And so I acted on it.
"The afternoon after graduation I went into an internet café and searched for online dating services which also included gays. I made an appointement for the same evening and went to the designated meeting spot. I was so nervous and happy. I imagined a handsome boy inviting me to dinner, to walk with him in the moonlight and just chat openly, without being afraid he might find out my intentions. I was so foolish.
"When I came to the bar we were supposed to meet it was nearly empty. It was still relatively early. There was only one group of freshly graduated students from another school, clearly drunk. Online we shared our clothes pattern and colours so we could recognize each other. I immediately spotted him in the group. But something felt fishy so I wanted to bail out. However, I wasn't given that chance since one of them recognized my clothes, too. 'Hey, look, the fag really came. How about it, Basti, wanna try it?' I was horrified, but it quickly dawned on me. They used the dating site as a drunken joke to mock one of their friends who was just dumped by his girlfriend. They soon encircled me. It was a terrifying moment. They mocked me, touched me carelessly and always pushed that Basti towards me. I won't go into anymore details. Nothing really happened to me physically. Some minutes later the bartender got them under control and allowed me to leave.
"I ran outside and I ran along the street, just wanting to get away. I hit rock bottom. I always expected ridiculement for my sexuality but this was the first time someone really commented on it. And I couldn't refute because they knew. They knew I was gay. It wasn't meant as a joke, it was an insult directly directed at me.
"I reached the park and in the darkness I started crying. I cried for an hour. I only stopped because I heard a whine. That was when I found Zero tied to a tree, with dirty fur, abandoned.
You know the rest. I took him home. He was so comforting in this moment. I asked our parents to allow me to keep him. But you know that dad thinks pets are useless and dirty. So I offered to move out, so he wouldn't be disturbed by him. Dad was incredulous, my whole life was expected to go according to his plan for me. I should live and commute from home like you. That was when I snapped. I saw my whole life being planned out for me, without a chance to let me stray from their path, without a chance to finally be myself. So I dropped the bomb.
"'Is that okay, even if I am gay?' You should have seen Dad's face. Mum wasn't as bad as I always expected. She was just surprised and I didn't see much else in her eyes. But Dad was shocked, he just froze. When he finally got his speech back all he said was 'You can move out.' And that was what I did. I found a job, an apartment and started working and paying my own expenses."
Alex takes a deep breath before he concludes. "And I found Daniel. We are already dating for nearly three months and Christian, I love him. I finally managed to act freely and it is an exhilarating, liberating feeling."