Regrets And Last Words

Everything was slowing down, like a slide-by-slide montage. Sam's screams mingled with John's and it was the true sound of the human soul crying out in anguish. "Gabriel's" warm chest came in contact with your back and your turned into him. Even if he wasn't real, he looked like him and he was all you wanted right then. Lucifer's laughter rang in your ears and then it stopped abruptly. Your life was flashing before your eyes and it was terrifying and full and terrible and tragic and wonderful and everything a life should be. Little memories stuck out in your mind like thumbtacks, little memories of every event you held most dear.

Gabriel.

And then it was over. Over so fast, the glass shards didn't register and the excruciatingly torturous screams seemed to keep ringing in your ears that weren't working. Over so fast, the memories ended on one sweet kiss from Gabriel that ended so shortly, the night he kicked you out. Over so fast...

And then it was all back. In one waving motion, you saw Sam climbing down the mountain followed close behind by John. Something warm and wet was below you, but you didn't have time to see before it went black again.

John was there, holding your head in his lap and screaming words you couldn't understand, words you couldn't hear besides a scramble of hard consonants. Sam was holding your hand, his face blank and so full of emotion at the same time. His mouth was still and his hands were warm against your cold skin. The phone was on your stomach and you caught the name  before it went black one last time.

Dean was there this time, tears wetting your arm as they rolled down the wrist he was clasping so tightly to his chest. Sam hadn't moved and John was still talking, quieter now, barely above a mumble and it was the only sound around except for something else. Barely above a whisper and that's when you registered another set of hands on your skin, just delicate and cold above your hipbones. They were damp and moved slowly across your skin, tracing out letters you knew the pattern to all too well. You slowly tilted your head to see who was behind you, causing the Winchester's to take a collective gasp and freeze. Your neck wouldn't turn any further, so all you saw was the very edge of some very pale skin with a trail of something dark and red. "You're okay," said the thing beneath you and your eyes went wide as you realized the voice belonged to... belonged to Gabriel. Gabriel was dying beneath you and you couldn't even see him as he died trying to save you from your own hands. 

Every neuron in your brain was firing in pain as you rolled over to face him. Dean was trying to pull you into a hug, but you used every bit of energy to pull away from him with a scream. "You're real, you're real, you're here, oh, God, what have I done?" you sobbed. One hand tangled itself in the bloody shirt and the other squeezed his hand. "Shh, sugar, don't talk," he breathed. Your head fell to his chest and Dean tried to grab you again and this time, you lashed out. "Get away! I can't take this right now! Just go!" you yelled, pushing him away. You hated pushing him away, but... There was no excuse. You wanted him gone. You wanted them all gone. Gabriel looked at Dean in a hard way, a simple action you missed. "Okay," Dean said in a flat voice. He picked you up and carried you tightly in his arms away from Gabriel, back up the cliff to the Impala. 

"NO! No, no, Dean, please, stop, he's right there, we have to help him!" you begged, pounding on his chest and fighting to get away. His eyes were locked onto the stretch of Earth in front of him. Sam's hand rested on your bare foot to try and comfort you, but you drew it back and went back to protesting. "Dean, you can't take me back, please! He's hurt and I have to do Please, Dean, Sam, John, help him!" you pleaded. No one said anything and you wriggled enough to see Gabriel looked at you from his spot on the damp, cold ground. His every move was full of reassignment and hopelessness, something you weren't accustom to. Another familiar face peered out from the shadows, a blond face you hated more than anything. "Please," you whimpered one last time as Dean carried you out of Gabriel's line of sight and you went limp in his arms as you realized you'd lost again. Lost the battle again, lost a love again, lost a lifetime that had never happened, just... lost. Again.

You wept alone once you were back at Bobby's.

Again.