Chapter 1

"So, it's true, I thought it's only a dream, I'm really dead." as I saw my body flat in pool of blood with gun on my hand.

"Death by suicide? That's why…."

Thank you for staying alive in this world for 23 years, I hope in the future if I will be resurrected, you'll be happy.

Thank you, Joie.

Wait that's my name, I'm Joie, that's the only memory I have.

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I saw some red lights flashing, near this fields on the first place it's abandoned, and I'm only here with my gun, how did the ambulance find me? That's world for you, anything can happen, also I don't remember what country is this? Am I really that dumb?

I saw some paramedics, palpating my carotid artery as if, I'm still alive, I just crossed my arms and observed them.

"She's dead for an hour, the blood is still fresh, probably because of the cold weather" said the first paramedic, his name is Kiro?

"Cause of death?" said the lady also I look for her name.. she's Gin.

"Probably suicide but, we can call the cops, and let them investigate."

As she call the cops, the first guy observed me.

"You're very familiar…. are you the m--" a loud noise ringed my ear and saw some flashes, I saw a man probably the same age as I am, he looks at me -- actually no he's looking at my dead body.

Of course I stared at him, and he stares at me too and he just vanishes.

I ruffle my hair with confusion, and just look at my body being carried away… should I follow?

I'm a spirit already so I can just walk around like any ghosts in this area.

But someone blocks me from a mile while I was walking, my eyes widened it's him! A tall guy, well average of height, and i quickly ran and reached him.

"Are you like the reaper? Who comes and feed my soul to hell?" he looks at me, he is now, not some an anonymous figure...

He has a face, he's…. cute? No, no, he's pretty handsome…

He's hair is parted way, he's wearing of course black, because he is the reaper, he wears a hoodie with a coat on.

Hmm pretty casual, but he has bandages on his hand, wait do reapers have to be edgy like him? He looked at me, observed me from head to toe, he's gonna be rude that's for sure.

"Joie Satoshi, 23 years old, death --- oh, it's still on going but, it's a suicide that's all they guess because, people assume you had a mental illness" how casual, i mean he's a reaper, do i expect them to be kind? no of course not.

I raised my eyebrow "People said that to me? I mean yes, I do have ment-- what?" suddenly a white flash and a ring in my ear happened again, why? my memories are blurry I can't remember a thing

"You're experiencing, amnesia right?" I nodded "It's because of the shot, dead humans like you, died either in a painful way, miserable way or accidentally." He explains, he's really a cold being.

"Why you say so?" He walks forward and I follow him "Because, some of human death cases are unsolved, and right now i'm just a representative to walk you through the after life and you'll be judged if you're case will be cleared, but if you're case remain unsolved… More or less likely you'll be placed to abandoned spirits world." I got shocked by his explanations "There are spirits world? Wow, never thought the after life is also a troublesome place, you know I just wished---"

"That you're dead?" he says, I got silenced by his reply and just sighed. Even here i just wanted to make things be quick as possible.

"Why do you wish death? Some people I encounter have explained this to me already, but every person has a story, dead or alive." He says, soulless, while we were walking, the pathway is pretty, you see white path coming from the snow itself, the lamps are very unusual yet pretty because of the dim light, it's like you're walking endlessly but you're never tired of walking, at least that's what i thought.

As we walk towards the snowy pathway, I opened my palm and touch the snow, but the moment when the snow touches my palm, there is no sensation nor feeling happened, it's complete numbness.

"i guess I'm just a snow, cold and numb… right now I don't feel the snow touched my palms" he suddenly stopped "Cold and numb huh?" I walk by his side and saw his side profile.

"Damn, Mr. Reaper, you really are handsome, at first I thought such people just exist in some dramas, anime and even manga. But now… i am so lucky." Well it is true he is handsome, but the way i look at him, he very looks eerily familiar. That's just a guess, and i think he really doesn't care about social interactions and that's understandable.

"Do you ever wear this facade whenever you're with someone?" He asks seriously, I of course replied instantly "Facade? I guess? In order to feel something, I must do what others do… be happy, be sad or even angry" I quickly said.

He continue to walk forward until the snow stops, right now we're at some place, there's a house with a light on, the house is kind of shabby enough to shelter on, it's only like a minute when we passed the snowy pathway and now.. we are almost in a different area, if i am still alive? that's a really long walk. I look around the area, he was just still walking "This is pretty nice". i said,

So allow me to me the area, it's still night-time you can actually see the stars clearly, the fields around the shabby house, represents dark tones of blue, indigo and purple almost like I'm in a monochromatic paint, you can see the mountains the field that are green turns navy blue, like you cannot see anything but a crisp midnight with the only light that guides you is the moon, stars and the only light of the shabby house.

The shabby house is almost decent, it's almost made of rock, like you where born in mid 17th century. I look around the field and ask my guardian or the reaper "So where are we? Is this your house?" he never answered back.

To be completely honest I feel like, I'm always talking to a stone like the house itself. He replies really short. Am I the only one who feels this? Or is this something else that I felt before and I just refuse to feel it?

"You'll know this place once you enter the house…" I smiled "Oh great, I finally got a reply from you, it almost feel like I'm always talking to a wind."

"You're the wind itself-- it carries your thought relentless" he added.

I almost caught off-guard by it. 'He's telling the truth actually', but i just never said it to him

He opens the door, and let me in first. "Woah, it's actually big?"

The shabby house looks luxurious, on the outside it looks like a complete disaster but once you enter the house it almost feels like, you're in a magical place everything is shiny and the tones are yellow, red, and brown.

"This is like a magical place, is this even real?" i observed the area, checked out the furniture, and just dreamt like i'm in a castle.

Reaper sat in a chair like he's been here a lot, the chair where he seated is near to a fireplace, with a painting of a flower girl, the fireplace is cozy even the displays are really pretty, the yellow tones of every furniture really matches the red and brown tones of the place.

"As you can see, the fireplace has display objects, each objects represents a memory." I looked at him confuse, and guess that these displays holds my memory? I looked at the objects carefully and saw some of the objects familiar to me.

A thin leather beige watch, pen and paper and a dry white chrysanthemum flower.

"They hold my memories? But I'm too afraid to choose, is this some kind of afterlife test? Because… I suck at here." i goofly explain, and he just looks at me, that he knows what's up.

"One thing, that those people who dear you the most is that you have a good judgement and reasoning skills, which makes it a talent." I scoffed, is that a compliment? If that is, there's no way, this cold man, can ever compliment me, he is a frozen being.

I hate this... this feeling… I hate it! But what do I feel? … I hide it inside and show myself that I can make a decision, if that's appropriate, but I'm dead anyway right? Can't I just refuse and tell him that i don't want to choose anything, and do I even have that option? … I'm confuse, I really hate this…. deciding….. choosing like I'm some piece of object.

It gives me the creeps, even if I choose…. those decision I made, will end up being negative, like I will offend someone, i hate being stuck like this, it's scary that i can't be uneasy in that kind of moment.

I hate those kind of feeling. I sense that this man is not just some reaper, is he assessing me as a human itself? If that's the case…. then I'll ----

"Have you decided yet? You hate it right? It makes you question about your life right? You hate hurting someone… even if it's wrong, you still choose it." He smirked at me, so he is testing me.

I never felt so offended, he's been assessing me all these time, like i can't do anything right, i hate it. "Oh look, is that an angry face I see?" he stood up, I feel so belittled, and he speak firmly "Joie Satoshi, at the age of 15 years old, choose to abandoned her friend who was bullied, because of --" a ring in my ear happened again and the white vision happens again.

Then I saw myself in a classroom, it was me, and those students pushing my friend --- i look around the classroom and saw myself just standing there. and followed myself, as i talk with reaper.

"You see…. that friend is doing nasty stuffs, and I'm the first person to saw her.… but I never felt the urge to stop her, until those students ---" it's hard, repressing my own memory, all i can see is that i.. too suffered, when i'm with her, reaper is just walking and following my middle school self, and he speaks to me. "They're delinquents you know taking drugs at a young age is bad, why didn't you stop her?" he asked me, while we are looking at that friend, doing drugs.

"Because… I never had a friend… and she's my only friend, that copy my test papers, cheating… her boyfriend I saw all of that, until those students from higher class pushed her." Turns out it was her older sister, reprimanding her as she know the stuff she's been doing.

And she saw me… i never felt so scared, like it's all coming back when she looked at me "Joie! Joie! Help me! My sister is hurting me call the office!" her sister looked at me angrily "You're the one who's been teaching her am I right?" I look confused? "Yes! Joie nod! SO SHE CAN STOP, SHE WILL NOT HURT YOU UNLESS YOU CONFESSED!" I saw myself, thinking what to do. I just stood there and i believed that i'm about to say 'Yes' because the pressure is killing me. 'Am i just an object?' that's the moment i felt, i'm scared and i can't do anything. then someone called my name, she stood up for me, my heart felt lighter. "Joie never did that stuff, because I saw you!" some of my classmate stood up for me "SO IT REALLY IS YOU!" I saw myself in the verge of breaking down, because I hate it.

I hate it because I never stood up for myself that time I have no courage to tell her older sister, that what my classmate saw was all true.

I hate it that she wanted me to confess that I was the one pushing her to do it.

That's why…. "I hate choosing.." I looked at him, and saw the chrysanthemum flower, my eyes widened.

"Joie - you did have courage, because you know, the watch you where wearing at that time? is that you almost wanted to write a letter and tell the student council that there's a delinquent trying to hurt you… but since you're too scared, you just wrote the letter and never sent it, to the student council office, then you saw the chrysanthemum flower, while walking home and saw you're bully friend, attacks you…" He knew what's up, he definitely knew. i just smiled, like i was seen through.

Yes, it was this moment, when she tells me she's going to kill me whenever I crossed her path, she also confessed to me that I'm just her puppet, that she can just throw off when needed.

She blames me, "If you just kept you're mouth shut! None of this will ever happen! Now my reputation at this school is gone thanks to you!" I just looked at her dead inside, i never felt anything, like i'm thinking at that moment, 'yes just keep on talking'. but the other side of me feels guilty, and thought that i can never earn and trust a friend anymore.

"At that moment, I feel raged, but guilty at the same time, because maybe it's true none of this will happen, if I just turn blind eye." i said to him, looking at my old self and that girl, wondering where she is now?

I saw reaper scratch his head, with annoyance, he really hates talking deeply lol "Hey! I know! I'm weak, I'm that desperate to have a friend, turns out she's a bad influence" i explained.

"No, because you're too.... You act like it's okay, you've been doing this ever since you were young!" he says frustrated, he really shows these kind of emotions? and why is he so mad? WHY?

"WHY ARE YOU BLAMING ME FOR BEING DEPRESSED?!" i finally spoked out. He's eyes widened and keeps on arguing with me, and it's also making me frustrated, i thought he will understand me? but no!

"Because! Deep inside you know that humans are messed up, but you always turned blind eye, because of what? You hate choosing what's good or not?" He says, annoyingly. and i'm just over the top trying to explain what am i feeling what is this shit?!

"Is this a therapy session in after life? Because I feel so attacked and it's making me angry!"

From annoyance face, his face turns to a flat serious tone, like he got me "Now you're feeling angry, and that's a valid emotion that you feel, if you want to show rage like right now, do it."

The classroom vision is now gone, and we're back again at the shabby house.

But the shabby house right now is not glitter and gold anymore, it's spooky and dusty, with a bench to lay on and just a lamp that lights a single room.

"I see now…" I said, i knew it... he's been doing this for a long time..

Reaper, saw through me, this man is kind of terrifying yet amazing.

I saw reaper, and he's just staring at me.

"You're clever."

and i just stared at him, i don't know what emotions i'm going to show because he knows, when you're trying to hide it.