1 Prologue

I was never content to my life, I always wish I was dead, because all I see to myself is a failure, failure of being alive, failure of being dumb, always got compared, I just wish I was dead….

There are three faces I show when I was out.

The first face, is the smiling one with my teeth widened

The second face, is when I talk to someone professionally

The third face is when I'm tired, and just be alone without anyone.

Because I feel safe, and I just feel relaxed.

People always tell me that I should smile more often because they like me when I'm smiling, I tried but it's hard to push yourself to smile.

People also tell me that I should talk more to people, although I'm not outgoing at all, I forced myself to talk.

My friends actually talks to me and just says stuff that they missed me because, they like my presence at all, I'm flattered but I don't feel anything at all. For me it's just a routine to have fun and talk to my friends and patients as if there's nothing bothering to me at all….

I just wish I could just blast of my "brains" because I'm always thinking about useless things, by useless --- I mean, being overwhelmed with uncertain fears, uncertain emotions, untrusted humans.

The shadow that always talks to me about the 'What ifs' 'You're an embarassment to you're family' You're a low-life unlike you're smart relatives' all that shit in my own fucking mind.

I'm tired, tired at all…. I just want to feel cold.

Walking alone in foot In a snowy pathway, where I can feel numbness…

But right now, I feel numb, yet happy… because I am now numb, I feel cold, there's a sensation of flowing at the back of my head… I found myself looking at the frozen fields with snow falling on my face, I sensed a tear in my eyes….

I feel cold yet, I smiled happily….. as I gaze to the starry snow with lamp posts, this must be living….

As I gazed out, white cloudness filled my eyesight. And I can't hear a thing at all..

"Is it terrifying?" I ask myself.

"No." I answered myself, as I saw my reflection smiling "But why are you sad?" I ask my reflection.

"tough question, maybe you feel burdened to everyone -- that you no longer crave human life" she says.

"You're pretty when you smile tearfully"

"No I'm not pretty, the world is pretty but it's filled with emptiness that you cannot feel anything at all"

"Why? --- Why are you fading?" I ask her as she disappear into clouds.

"Find it in you're memory…"

And all goes to black.

But I woke up once again, standing in front of a dead body.

"So, it's true this isn't a dream, I'm really dead." I saw my body flat and in pool of blood, there's a gun in my hand. "Death by suicide? That's why…."

Thank you for staying alive in this world for 23 years. I hope in the future if I will ever be resurrected, you'll be happy.

Thank you, Joie.