CH #5 - Reminiscence

"Since you can read my memories any way you want, why not just take the part you want to know?"

A somewhat bold question for someone who was at their worst, but one that Steve felt needed to be asked. From what he'd been able to observe so far, Ryan's special ability had a highly specific character, which allowed him to easily search for a particular piece of information.

So why put him through that again...? Having to see such a frustrating moment in his own existence as a human one more time was something he didn't want to witness.

"That's exactly why." Ryan stated, his voice echoing in Steve's mind the way speaking create echoes as the noise crashes into the walls of an empty house. "You're right, and I don't need to subject you to this. The point is, I want you to see it too. I want you to see once again all the harm you've caused for a foolish reason."

Steve wanted to laugh – not from amusement, though. It was a laugh that followed a broken, negative smile, the expression of someone who just wanted to hide.

"Even you will start with this talk that I have to face my problems, huh? I kind of imagined it already…" He said, mentally looking down, though his body didn't follow the gesture.

Ryan didn't respond, but Steve sensed he'd be staring at him in a disappointed and angry way if he got to see him. That feeling of sharing a space in your mind was weird – you could feel and realize that you were alone, but at the same time that it wasn't true. The feeling of having someone else there was constant, even if that other person was not perceivable at any time outside of when they manifested presence by own will.

In Ryan's case, Steve sensed him there because of his voice, but other than that, no other bit of his presence was noticed in the previously inhospitable environment of his mind.

Nevertheless, he was there, if only on a mental level. Losing no more time and words to explain, that was a strangely paradoxical experience, where things are and aren't, exist and don't, all at the same time.

Not to mention the feeling of being trapped in your own body as if your own flesh and bones were a coffin. He wanted to move, but try as he might, his movements were nothing more than a predetermined pattern of actions that had already taken place.

After all, that was nothing but the past – a memory.

"I... I think this is where it happens...!" Noticing where his body was moving, Steve alerted Ryan to a series of events that was about to unfold.

And once again, the Savoia did not show any response. Once again, that feeling that he had a specific expression came to the surface. Ryan was inquisitive, curious.

And then Steve was reminded once more of what the fact was there – all that scenario produced by Ryan's skill was made just so that he would suffer when remembering the results of his own choices.

"I hate myself so much..."

"Yeah, I would hate myself too if I were you." Ryan finally responded, revealing he could catch even a thought that occurred inside another.

Anyway, the scene was about to begin. The two got ready in their mental plans inside that head. It was like sitting in a bus chair and having the entire set of seats to yourself... Except that you know there are other passengers there, but you just can't see them.

Without further ado, the scenario began to roll, as well as the light wind that cut through that late afternoon.

***

STEVE

I really can't do anything right...

At least here I can be alone for a bit, huh... I really have too much time to think about how I'm so crappy that can't do anything. I'm no good for living.

I can't be an above-average student, I can't talk for more than five seconds with a girl... I wouldn't be surprised to know that I'm going to die alone in this pit of nothingness.

I really wanted to go to the city, but I don't know if I'm good enough for that. I mean, if my life is already crap in a place where there is almost no challenge, imagine what it would be like if I went to some spot where people fall on top of each other for some small thing...!

I don't know if I could handle it. I think in the end... That staying here really is my destiny.

Ah, at least this sunny sky is beautiful. Maybe I can live a reasonable life, like the fairly average person I've always been.

Ahh, dammit... Come to think of it, I've always been reasonable my whole life. Neither bad nor good, and people like that never get anything out of life. People never look at them any differently.

"Maybe I should just quit school and try to get some work… I don't know. Trying to surprise someone, even through the worst." I laughed a little. "I bet family wouldn't even be disappointed, because they're probably expecting me to do something like that already."

They are truly amazing people. My parents deserve so much more than I could ever give them.

Well... The truth is, I never wanted to make the effort to change either...

This is the worst part of living the lifestyle I have. When you get used to the fact things aren't going to change that easily, getting out of where you are just gets harder. Why change? Why study harder and climb your way up? Why go after something that may or may not happen? Why take the risk?

Now I can't say if this is lack of motivation or if I just don't know where to go. It's that stuff adults today talk about today's generation feeling lost in the world...

But still... Everyone seems to be progressing so much faster than me... And I... I feel-

... ... ...

"Aren't you ashamed to know what your problems are and still go on talking like you can't do anything...?" I spoke in a low voice to myself.

I can't make any excuses. All people tell me that I have an ideal life, after all, I live with my two parents, they have a stable marriage, I'm a spoiled only child and I have everything it takes to make my life productive and theoretically fulfilling.

So there shouldn't be any problem! I should have an ideal life, but for some reason I don't... I can't do it...!

That's it... Lost. I feel lost, okay?! Happy about it, fate?! God?! Anything that's listening to me right now?! I know what my problems are!

... It could also be that I'm just an ungrateful person who doesn't know how to appreciate what he has...

"Maybe if Stella were here…" I start to think.

Stella disappeared a month ago... Shit, who am I trying to fool? Of course she died, dammit...! I'm positive her body must be lying somewhere in these endless forests that surround this damn town... She must be rotting to bones already or something.

Good, universe...! A great move to further destabilize me...! Losing the only person who remotely understands you...

She was my next door neighbor. I've known Stella since we were kids. We were friends after all. We were always best friends.

She was never like me. Stella had always been the braver of the two of us, and the leader of the street kids' group at play. She was always the one who started everything, from the most innocent games to the crazy plans of stealing candy from the store without the old geezer who owned it noticing.

Stella was a nice person. She shouldn't have died. She couldn't have left me. I… Guess that's right.

She was one of the few people who never criticized me for who I am. In fact, you could say she was the only one trying to help me with my problems. The fact is that I was never good at "acting", so she ended up doing it for me. In the end, we complemented each other.

This has been happening since we were kids. I trusted Stella for everything – from telling secrets to… Damn, I even cried on her shoulder once, and I'm far too ashamed to admit it.

She was like a leader – a torch that pointed and lit the path I had to follow. Stella was the best person I ever met. My favorite person.

I still remember that time when we were eight years old. We were playing in one of the playgrounds, and I ended up hurting my knee in a bad fall from the slide... Looking back, I've always been pretty stupid, even as a kid.

And what she did... I think that's why I still remember, because it was too extreme for anyone to forget.

She walked over to me and ripped a piece of her skirt like it was nothing, using it as a kind of bandage. I still remember what the print on the skirt was like, black with very large white polka dots all over the surface.

She was grounded for a week after her parents found out she ripped her newest clothes.

"Or so I though. She made me think I could rely on her, only to do that to me later. She was never that nice, huh…"

And we continued to grow, with me becoming more and more passive and continuing to follow her lead. It's interesting how all this time she never seemed to get tired of me... My personality always scared people away, but that didn't happen to her.

She would drag me to club rooms, come over to play video games… We never changed.

"And that's when I failed. I did not change. I didn't try to change. I didn't want to split up and grow up by myself. I failed to realize she was manipulating me into incapacity."

And that's when it happened, and how I fell this deep as the consequence of my damn inaction, and letting myself trust her so much like that.

Two months ago, I became interested in a girl. We had history class together last year, and in the pairing systems, we were randomly selected. Her name is Rebecca.

Oh my God... She's one of the nicest people I've ever met...! This is all in addition to being pretty, of course... I wanted the opportunity to talk and get to know her a little better, but I didn't know how to do that, as I had never tried.

So, I naturally thought I could trust Stella for that. That proved to be the wrong choice, however. When I talked about this with my best friend and expected her to help, for the first time in a solid 14 years, I got a different reaction.

Stella got angry, and she stopped talking to me.

For an entire month, she avoided me. Whenever she saw me, my 'friend' walked the other way, didn't speak a word in my direction anymore, and acted like we'd never been best friends, even though it went on all our lives.

And then two weeks passed and I learned from her family she had gone missing. Everyone in town started looking for her, with no result. I accepted as a fact that she was no longer with us, even though everyone to this day still has some spark of hope.

That's the kind of thing that happens in this town. This place is a sea that attracts all kinds of pain. People are even, little by little, starting to treat it as normal.

First it was that Jessica girl, and that went on until it got to Stella. I can only wonder who the next victim is going to be.

What should I feel for someone who made me trust her, and then simply did… That? Am I…

"… A bad person for not feeling bad about her death? Right now, even as I think of our entire history, I can only feel..."

... ... ...

"Empty inside?"

***

Both Ryan and Steve anticipated that moment, and with the arrival of the mysterious new voice, they began to pay more attention to everything.

"It's him." Steve said. "He was the one who convinced me to do this."

"Oh please. You convinced yourself. Couldn't you have just said 'no' and moved on with your pathetic life of self-loathing instead?"

Ryan was still mad at him, and knowing his story apparently had the opposite effect than desired, as instead of developing some sympathy for Steve's predicaments, the Savoia just repudiated him more for his actions now that they've seen his past.

"Frankly... You have the life anyone would like to have, and you stopped yourself from living it because you were too passive and hypocritical." Ryan commented, rather coldly. "If there's one thing I particularly hate, it's people like you."

Ryan Savoia believed in fighting, even if it was the most impulsive. People had only one job in life – that of pursuing their goals. Those who refuse to do this and prefer to live an empty existence were a real contradiction to the species.

"Anyway, I need to figure out what is on your mind when it comes to this dude. Depending on what he said, my opinion of you might get a little less worse."

Without answering, Steve mentally bared his teeth, retreating figuratively into his nook, as he didn't have a body to actually do this.

***

STEVE

"W... What?! What are you- What were you doing there?!"

He's a weird guy... I've never seen this guy before, and I've been studying here for a long time! That guy...

"Maybe I was simply… Watching, just like you?" He spoke, revealing an enigmatic and rather deep voice, the kind you wouldn't imagine hearing from someone like that. "And by accident, I ended up listening to your speech. I apologize for that."

This guy... He's weird to say the least. As polite as he is, doesn't make a very good impression on me... Maybe I'm just being prejudiced, but...

"Oh, a little freaked out by my sudden arrival, I assume? I'm sorry again, but this isn't on the level of things I can change." He spoke, smiling subtly. "So, if you don't mind so much, I think we can continue with the old conversation I tried to start, or is it that you do mind? Would you be comfortable with that?"

He himself put himself in my life like that, even without my giving permission for it...

"I think we can have a good conversation. I didn't hear much of what you said earlier, but..."

He tilts his pale, thin face towards me, and it makes me shiver...! Those deep eyes, with dark circles...

"You strike me as someone who suffers from not knowing what to do, you see? I see all this distrust in your eyes, after all, right now, at this exact moment, you're wondering about my character and whether you should run or listen to me, right?"

This guy...

"But don't worry about it. I won't cause you any harm. In fact, I'm just here to talk, and maybe get some good ideas from this interaction on the topic of getting on with life in this world."

"Uh... C-come again...?" I didn't understand any of these last sentences.

"I'm saying we should talk about how your life is going, Steve Evans."

But how the hell... How the hell does this guy know my name?!

"It's like I said before. You don't need to be afraid of me. I know for a fact this can be a little sudden, but…"

He steps out from the shadow of the tree where he was, revealing those eyes so dark... They look like a night without light, without stars...

Half of his face is covered entirely by hair as black as his eyes, which contrasts with the paleness of his skin, making him glow somehow. An uncertain glow, which makes me feel a little scared.

Everything about this guy is too uncomfortable to see. The speech, the looks, the walking that is strongly reminiscent of that belonging to a businessman who lives on top of a building made of I don't know how many floors... This guy haunts me...! No one would do all of this on purpose...!

"Don't come near me...! Stop right there...!" I try to defend myself, listening to the feelings in my heart. "I don't know you, and you look so fucking scary...!"

He stops, and an elongated smile curls his lips. At that moment, I feel like I've swallowed a huge boulder of ice and it's freezing everything inside. Turning the face to the side, the teeth so white and aligned follow.

"Oh? So are you telling me to go away? Amazing! This even deserves applause, as it looks like I was wrong."

He then lifts his chin high, still smiling like that. My breath... I can't get the air right out of sheer panic...!

"Because what my sources told me was that you were just a coward full of regrets... It seems that sometimes having a surprise turns out to be a good thing, I suppose?"

This sarcastic and yet eloquent way of speaking, these hands hidden inside pockets... I don't know if I can stand to stay here any longer. This pressure in my chest...!

"What… What do you want from me…? And how do you know… these things?"

"Ah, now I see we're talking!" He claps his hands. "That cheers me up a lot."

Walking towards me, he takes an envelope from his pocket. It's what appears to be a letter with a white envelope.

"Steve Evans. Born in 2007, October 7th, parents Natasha and Mark Evans. As a child, who grew up in a loving, happy family. Was born in Billings and lived there for three years before moving to Elderlog. Mother works at a clothing store, and father is an electrician at Blue Lagoon Ironworks. As a child, he was best friends with Stella Holiday, born on December 25, 2008, and reported missing for a month, two weeks and five days. Considers himself lost and aimless since she, according to his own thoughts on the matter, died."

How can he know so much?! This... This is impossible!

"You grew up as someone who never knew how life works, always having your hand pulled by someone. And now that you are alone, can't do a thing by yourself."

Why...? Why does everyone have to rub this all over my face...?!

"But, you know what? I saw something in you – we can call it 'potential'." He says, walking a few steps closer. I can't react.

He extends the letter towards me.

"I've been watching you for some time now, and I can see you're one of the few able to handle what's inside this envelope." He gets even closer to me. "Believe me, everyone in the world would want this if they knew what simply opening can entail."

What is he talking about...? I can't understand a single word this guy is saying... I just know that...

"But the problem is, few have what you have, Steve. Few can face what's inside the way I feel you can. No... As a matter of fact, I am certain that you are one of the 'chosen ones'."

'Chosen ones'…? Me…? What kind of sick joke is this?! In what can a fucking envelope that even seems to be empty inside change my life…? It would be funny if I wasn't scared enough to almost cry.

"You want to be memorable, don't you? You want to let go of that, of the boring life worth less than $4.99, don't you, Steve? You want to conquer things, get the attention of the girl you like... You want to break those threads that hold you like a puppet." He brings the letter close to my eyes. "Then just take it. Take this envelope and open it. It has the answers to all your problems."

Very hesitantly, I take the folded white paper. I don't know what makes me do this. I don't know if I should have accepted it. Maybe... Maybe it's because he knows what I've been through...? All the things he said are true.

I want to stop being Eve's abandoned puppet, I want to make my own choices, I want to be remembered and wanted, I want to be free of it...!

"Ah, I am very happy with your choice...! Really, I actually do!" His attitude seems to change from one second to the next. "The right decision is always the perfect first step!"

He backtracks a couple steps, arranging his messy hair while still smiling.

"It was a very eventful conversation. I am positive we will become great partners, Steve Evans." He speaks, rather confidently. "Ponder your options before opening it, though, I'm sure you'll want to."

The wind blows once more, and holding the little envelope, I let myself blink. When he opens his eyes again-

***

"So he's gone…" Ryan pondered. "That doesn't answer much, but I think we have a place to start. The face is already a good clue."

The repetition of that series of memories ended as it began, in the blink of an eye. Just that, and they were back in another place.

"This… Where are we? Is it another memory?" Steve questioned, still thoughtful about everything he had relived.

"While you were trapped in your memories, I brought you here. The library air was going to become lethally unhealthy in no time, not to mention there was also a chance some burning bookcase would fall and kill us."

"I get it..."

Ryan brushed some ash off his clothes. Looking precisely now, Steve could see the burn marks left on his right arm – it was a nasty, reddish wound that would certainly take long weeks to heal. An entire half of the left sleeve, up to almost elbow level, was destroyed by the flames.

"Wrong. You don't get it. You don't understand it at all." Ryan spoke, staring down the long hall, full of destroyed chairs and tables, pieces of glass and clear struggles of an earlier battle. "You do not get it."

Ryan was still very, very disappointed, and there wasn't much he could do or say, only to listen. Steve now knew he was the villain of that story.

"All this chaos… I wouldn't be surprised to hear that someone died because of your little prank. I know this plan to burn the library was part of both of you, but you were the one who allowed the idea to grow. You fueled it with this desire to look big, to be a hero."

Ryan's voice didn't carry the same semblance of anger. Now, it was something more contemplative – simple, even. Each word was pronounced slowly and gradually.

"I don't want to be a hero." He revealed, much to the fire-haired boy's surprise. "Because heroes die, Steve. They always die. I don't want to die. But I just don't like to see innocent people dying too, you know."

A long couple of seconds of total silence cut across that now ruined path that connected several rooms.

"I'm... Not feeling up to scolding you for any longer. But to end this all, I must say that even considering you were manipulated into taking the deal, you still knew better things could be done with this power."

Ryan then started walking away, pacing slowly, in order to evade the destruction that was everywhere.

"She was a good friend, Steve… For sticking up for so long with someone like you. It seems that she noticed her own mistake in the end."

Those words hit the boy's heart like arrows, and the memories of his entire life came back, playing in his mind like a timelapse footage.

His parents, Stella, his whole life... It wasn't anyone's fault but his own. There was no manipulation, much less a lack of opportunities to change things.

"Ah... Now I understand..." He thought, looking at a light bulb that flickered on the ceiling. "Back then, you were disappointed in me, weren't you, Stella? You wanted to help me. I just didn't realize it."

... ... ...

"Ryan."

Steve's voice echoed down the hall, and as it did, the boy who was already several feet away stopped.

"I'll go with you. I will take responsibility for that."

Ryan didn't respond at first, and just kept walking again. After three steps, the voice of the dark-skinned, curly-haired boy was heard again.

"Suit yourself."

Steve felt Ryan still didn't exactly approve of him, but that wasn't his decision to make – and it never was. He was the only wall between himself and his dreams. It was time to stop acting like the victim.

"So what's the next step? Where do you plan on going?" Steve asked, trying to keep it cool.

Ryan wanted to sarcastically joke on the fact he was once again resorting to follow commands, but decided not to. The situation was serious, and deserved to be treated as such. Any help would be valuable.

"We need to get rid of the things by the gates… Now that I think about it, your skill is perfect for dealing with that." Ryan spoke, pointing a finger upwards.

"Things…? What kind of things?"

"You need to see for yourself. Any description I give wouldn't carry 10% of the feeling that facing the real thing provokes. Believe me."

Steve started pondering on that. Would it be some kind of monster, or a terrifying work of another skill user?

"Your guesses are most likely right. I'm afraid you aren't the only idiot making a mess of the place right now." He said, checking if turning the corner was safe or not. "Speaking of the devil… How in bloody hell these things are here too?!"

Hiding behind the wall, Ryan called for Steve, who stealthy evaded the chipped wood that covered the floor. Looking from there, perfectly hidden, both could see the abomination that stood on the hall to the right.

"God damn it… What is that thing?!"

"I don't know, but based on what it's made of, you can burn it to a crisp quite easily, I suppose."

It was an amorphous, shriveling mass of what seemed to be numerous species of insects. It slowly paced – or rather – slided around the hallway, looking for a next victim. It was about as tall as a human infant, and seemed to move coordinately, even if composed by thousands of individuals.

"Guess we'll be doing some pest control." Ryan walked to a nearby fire extinguisher, readying its use. "Let's go."

Steve readied his flames, aware that, now, being a coward was no longer an option.