Growing Pains

Everything had been out of hands. I can no longer control it. There's too much scandal, too much drama. All my worries and fears did came to life and honestly I am not prepared for it. 

I quit my job. I had too. I can no longer take the embarassment. Mahirap pag babae ka. It's like the story of Eve on how he give in to temptation. It's too much for me to bear. 

Eventhough I am holding on for so long there will be something that just cut off the last thread. The last night before I left was it...

I was alone at home, overthinking a lot of things, when I heard a knock on the door. I hesitated to answer. I am not expecting anyone. Yet, it got me curious. I stood up and opened the door. 

Aimee burst in as I opened the door. 

"Where is he? I know he's here," she said as she scrammed inside my apartment. She knows now where I live?

Pinilit kong kumalma kahit na I am really surprised. 

"He's not here," I simply said. 

She scanned the room, since I owned a studio apartment kahit sa CR sumilip siya. 

"Wag niyo kong sinusubok. Sinabi ko na sayong layuan mo ang asawa ko!" She said in gritted teeth.

I let out an exhausting sighed. I'd been trying to avoid him lately kung tutuusin. Just to give space sa dami ng toxic feeling na rumaragasa sakin. I texted him earlier na wag muna kami magkita and that I really need my space. Hindi ko alam kung nasan siya. 

"As you can see, he's not here. I don't know where he is and I don't want to know. If he doesn't want to let you know it's not my problem," I calmly said. 

"This is your fault. I tried being nice to you but your pushing it! Gusto mo talagang sagarin ako!" It was a threat. The angry wife is scary. 

"Wala naman akong ginagawa to provoke you. I quit my job, I am avoiding him. I am giving him space for you to fill in like you want to. Hindi ko kasalanan kung ayaw ka pa rin niya balikan," It maybe not an official break up, but I am slowly going away. I am also giving myself space to easily get over this. 

"You shouldn't have come in the first place. You know from the beginning that he is not single yet lumapit ka pa rin sa kaniya. And so this happened."

Hindi ko napigil ang sarcastic smirk. She's blaming me for everything. Tanggap ko naman na I am somewhat to blame, but nakakalimutan ba niyang she's done her part in this mess? Is this just her guilt kasi may ginawa siyang mali and that she's pointing everything at me. 

"You know what, umalis ka na. I am done with all this drama. I am done with you blaming me for everything. Isaksak mo sa kokote mong ikaw ang nanloko sa asawa mo kaya ayaw ka na niyang balikan. Wag mong kalimutan yun. And if I were you, you make use of your time na bumawi sa mga anak mo rather than chasing me just to blame sa mga paghihirap mo ngayon!" I said fiercely. Gusto kong ipaalala sa kaniya what is wrong with her. At hindi ko kasalanan yun. 

"I am not thru with you. Kahit itago mo siya sakin, I will find him," she said. 

Nahilot ko ang noo. "Just leave! Or I'll call security. And don't bother me anymore..."

She may have left that night. Pero nakadagdag lang yun sa mga alalahanin ko. So to get out of all this, I decided to leave. I moved back to my home town. I took the first flight next thing in the morning. I didn't bother saying goodbye to him. Besides, I feel like I don't have the right to do so. Hindi ko siya pag-aari. I may have his love but it is not official. 

But then, I held on to faith. Baka sakali, if we are destined to be together, just maybe, atleast maybe, we can still be together.

I am now on my first month of moving on. And I really don't know if I should still hold on. But one thing's for sure, at this time, hindi ko pa siya kayang kalimutan. There are still paces that I cry on my room and is terribly missing him. I tried to block him off from all my connections towards him. Baka sakali kapag hindi ko na siya nararamdaman or nakikita, I might forget him eventually. But for now, I am holding on to that last thread that I can still love him in that alternate universe. Yung ako ang una...