Facing Reality

I knew this is bound to happen. There are no secrets being kept forever. Sooner or later, the reality will hit me hard and I just couldn't avoid it. 

Natanaw ko kaagad si Aimee sa pagpasok ko sa coffee shop na binanggit niya. Nag-aalangan man but I guess there's no way out in this mess but to face it. Kinakabahan man ako but I have to face my fears. Pinasok ko 'to, kailangan kong panindigan. 

I really don't know what to feel. Ayoko tanggapin sa sarili kong may kasalanan ako. I just fell in love and that's all I know. But my brain argues that I did fell inlove in a wrong man. Someone owns him. Kahit ano pang ipalusot ko, I am somewhat to blame. Everything is a mistake in the first place. 

When I received her text this morning, I was kind of expecting it. He gave me a heads up last night, when he came in to my house...

"She's back..." he told me. "And she knows about us..."

Hindi ako nakasagot. Hindi ko rin mapagtanto kung ano ba ang nararamdaman niya. He seemed stressed with the idea. I somehow saw fears in his eyes. Fears for what? I am trying to accept and understand that his somehow worried. But I duly hoping that amidst all that is bound to happen, he would still choose me. Yet, hindi ko makita yun ngayon. I can't find my assurance. 

Napayuko ako. "I d-don't know what to say? Hindi ko din alam anong gagawin ko?" Hindi ko mapigilang maiyak. All my fears are bursting in. Hindi ko na ata mapipigilan. Hindi pa man nasasaktan na ko. 

He pulled me and gave me a hug. "I'm so sorry..." he said. Lalo akong napahagulgol. He just let me be. 

I took awhile bago ko napahupa ang sarili ko. But I can't still look at him. 

"She'll probably wanting to reach me. For sure, aawayin niya ko. Anong gagawin ko pag nagkaganun?"

"Then, let's face her. I may still be married to her but we are getting our divorce. Isa pa sumama siya sa lalaki niya, wala ba kong karapatang magmahal ng iba?"

"But it still feels wrong. Somehow, there was a time that we are actually cheating her. And it doesn't compensate the idea na niloko ka din niya," I am being pathetic. Honestly, ayoko kasing tanggapin na may kasalanan ako. That's why I am trying to lessen the burden for myself. 

"But it also doesn't mean that I cannot love again. Look, we may be at the wrong time but what I feel for you is real. Magalit na kung magalit, but I want you by my side anupang isipin ng iba."

It was my assurance, somehow. At yun ang baon ko para harapin ang ex-wife niya. 

Mabigat ang hakbang na lumapit ako sa kinauupuan niya. Napaangat siya ng tingin ng makalapit ako. Hindi ako agad umupo. She smiled sarcastically. 

"Have a sit," she said. Diretso ang tingin niya sakin. The sarcastic grin hadn't left her lips. Hindi ako umimik. 

She smirked. "Akalain mo nga naman. I had this instinct that there something going on between you and my husband the first time I met you. But you look nice and you seemed respectful. Hindi ko talaga aakalaing kerida ka ng asawa ko."

She emphasize on 'kerida'. It hurt my ego. But I didn't give her the pleasure of just accepting that. 

"I thought you wanted to talk civilizedly," I simply said. 

"I am being civil. Kahit gustong-gusto ko ng ibuhos sayo itong kapeng iniinom ko para magising ka sa realidad na inaagaw mo ang asawa ko."

I have to fight back. Kahit alam kong may pagkakamali ako, hindi ko tatanggaping basta na lang ako tapakan ng kahit sino. 

"Wait. Last time I checked, umalis ka kasama ang lalaki mo. And we all thought, you are already living your life. What made you come back?"

I saw her face buckled. Tila may hindi magandang naganap between this woman and her lover. 

"Gusto kong balikan ang pamilya ko. Pamilya ko sila, kasal kami," she proudly declare. Tila pinapamukha sakin ang karapatan niya bilang asawa.

Nagsalubong man ang kilay ko out of confusion, my lips twitched in a grin. "Balikan ang pamilya? Why? Hindi ka satisfied sa buhay na pinili mo so yung mga taong sinaktan mo out of your selfishness, iniwan mo muna saglit? Ganun ba?" Hindi ko napigil ang inis. It was insulting. "Ano bang akala mo sa ginawa mo? Umalis ka lang para bumili sa tindahan saglit?"

"I know what I did wrong! Tanggap ko yan. But that doesn't mean you are not a cheater! You still do! Niloko niyo pa rin ako." She said in an almost angry voice. 

Sampal sakin ang tinuran niya. Yes. I am still a cheater. Natakot ako sa eskandalo. Napalunok ako. I need to calm down. 

"Yes, I admit. We have a relationship. But don't you think ginawa niya lang yun because you cheated on him first?" 

"It doesn't justify the fact that he still doing that out of good deed? So anong tawag niya sayo, his rebound? Bakit mo pinatulan? Do you like him also? Do you think you can just simply replace me sa pamilya ko? Do you think I will allow that?" 

Double kill. It was a solid slap on my face. Wala akong maibigay na come back. 

"What do you want then? Do you want to take him back?" naitanong ko. Ayoko ng magpaligoy-ligoy. 

"Ofcourse, I am his wife!"

"Does he wants to take you back?" I asked. 

"That's why we have this conversation. Layuan mo ang asawa ko. Aayusin ko ang pamilya ko!"

Natigilan ako. I remembered what he said to me last night...

"What if she wishes to have you back?" I asked in between sobs. 

"Then fight for me... I am yours. You have to hold onto me. I want you to fight for me, the way I fought for you when your ex insists in taking you back." 

"Do you think he will not look for me kapag nilayuan ko siya? Don't you realize na mas lalo lang siyang magagalit sayo? You left him, first. Hindi ka niya hinabol."

To my surprised, she laughed. "Nakakaawa ka. I'm so sorry to burst your bubble. Pero kahit anong gawin mo, ako pa din ang asawa. Una akong naging parte ng buhay niya. Una akong pinangakuan, una akong hinarap sa altar. Maghiwalay man kami, you will always just be his 2nd."

These are the reality that  I had to admit but a solid punch in my face. It was truthful but very much difficult to accept. Pano ko ba ito lalabanan?

Amidst all these though, tanggap kong kasama to when I accepted him in my life. Masakit man pero kaya kong tanggapin ang lahat, as long as sigurado akong pipiliin niya ko. Gayunpaman, hindi ako makasagot. I felt like crying. 

"Yeah. You can say that," ani ng tinig sa likuran ko. Nanlaki ang mata ko ng matanawan ko si Ryon. He walk closer toward us. He grab my hand and pulled me up. "But that doesn't changed the fact that I am no longer yours," he said. 

Napatayo si Aimee and called him out. 

"Let's talk about this."

"There's nothing for us to talked about. I set you free, you should let me go!" He insist. Humarap siya sakin. And pulled me away from there. Nang makarating kami sa sasakyan niya, napasalampak ako at napahagulgol. 

"Why did you come if you can't fight back? You could've just ignore her," he said in calm but tenacious voice.

"D'you think I can just simply do that? She has the tendency na maging palengkera at mag-eskandalo. I am actually trying to calm her down. It was really scary!" Yung inis ko gusto kong ibunton sa kaniya that I end up flaring.

He reached for me and pulled me in a hug. 

"I'm so sorry," he said.

"I told you hindi ko alam ang gagawin ko. It was a slap in my face that she still holding onto you. Aminin man natin o hindi, she has a point. May mas karapatan pa din siya."

"I voided her rights when I chose you over her. I have told you a hundred times, I am yours. I am giving you all the rights to fight for me. Our marriage is just a piece of paper now waiting to be torn apart. Please, do it for me... fight for me," he said as he hugged me tighter. 

For now, wala akong magawa but what he said was so assuring. It doesn't take away all my fears but I can still live with that. 

But then, I still need to let it all out. I kept crying in his tight embrace...