Who am I

I'm alive when I want to be dead. I am human when I want to be nothing. Nothing or the void is my happy place. There is no pain for you to be tortured with. There is no body or personality to hate. Nothing to lie to or cause pain to. There is nothing left. No body, no past, no future, no present, no hope, no dreams, and no lies. No illusions to keep you alive.

No more lying or hiding everything inside. Since I am not nothing till I enter the void. What am I? All there is inside and out is a corpse waiting to be burned. Someone who is only their problems. Nothing more or less. A mess that others have to clean up. A waste of space and energy. Someone living for everyone else and not their self.

Some one who will die because they are selfish and nothing else. The one selfish thing I will admit to is killing myself. Others love me, so I will wait till you get the 18 years I owe you.

I can't give you any more, though you do deserve it. Yet you don't deserve to see me take away anymore of your happy days. No more will I steal from your happiness. Nothing will be left for you to cry over, regret, and worry over. Death is my gift to you.

The only way you will except it is as a surprise. I can't tell you, because you will refuse it. This is the best wedding and holiday gift I could ever give to you. Thank you for all the time and effort you gave to me.

It was not wasted, for you got more time to be with me like you wanted. You have seen me happy and sad. I was happy at times. I don't want to admit it since happiness doesn't last. To me it's a curl illusion for those who rarely feel it. Hatred to me feels like the truth, since I could never truly hide it.

The days are long and the night is longer. I won't be with you, I don't believe I'm going to a better place. I just won't have to cause you any more pain after this last thing.

Silence is my curse, so I can give you hope for a better future. You get one more day or so believing I'm okay. I will keep my silence, I have tried to find a way to survive, but I think this is the best way. You don't have to forgive me I won't except it anyway.

I will keep my promise to wait until my birthday. I'm sorry I couldn't find a way to love myself. That is why I have died. Live for yourself and forget me if you can. It's better for you anyway.

Good luck, I hope I didn't cause to much damage on my way out. In my last few days I hope I didn't make things harder for you. There is nothing I can do for you now anyway. All I can saw is I love you, I am enternally grateful, I'm sorry, and thank you.

Completed by: 2:42 pm, Oct 19, 2019