Living with Myself.

"You don't have to worry anymore." The man grabbing my hand finally let it go in the yard he had dragged me to. "You are now in the hands of the ascendant Leia and she shall forever protect you. Consider yourself absolved of all the misconducts of the past as you step foot in her abode. You are from this moment forth as pure as the milk dripping down the her hand."

I looked around the garden with slightly run down statues of beings I had never before seen.

"These are our protectors, your lifeline. The guiding angels serving under Leia." A lady wearing all black came outside.

"Miss." The priest bowed.

"Is she the one you found in those thug's possession?"

"How does she kno-" Before I could finish the priest looked over trying to shush me.

"She's Leia's Apostle, there is nothing in the world she does not know." He cleared his throat. "That would be correct, it is indeed she."

"Is that so? So she is the girl who got captured by the pirates." The lady bent down in front of me. Her eyes looked as if they held an ark worth of life in them. Compassionate. It made me immediately want to trust her. "How bad was it?"

"It was very bad. I was treated and abused an-"

"I apologize, I shouldn't open those wounds again so quickly. I am sure it was very bad." She maintained a calm tone but her lively eyes turned sharp as a hunter's as they pierced through me. She knew immediately. My heart skipped a couple of beats but nothing had happened.

I could hear my heart beat in my neck.

She let the matter go after a brief pause. Was it the magnanimity of the blessed? Or was it just pity?

Whatever it was, it allowed me to live through one more day.

"You are safe here, little girl. We hope that you can get along with the other kids. We promise to raise you into an upstanding member of our society. Her hand reached the top of my head and she ruffled my hair with a chuckle.

She left to meet other people and resolve the issues that took place this morning before the priest took me inside the hostel.

That was where my new life began.

I was assigned a place in the dorm where as soon as the priest left, I crawled up into a ball in and cried into my arms for hours. I couldn't sleep, I missed my first meal, and my entire bed was wet with tears and snot. I was embarrassed of how pathetic and selfish I was but more than that lonely. So lonely. I had lost the person I had spent all of memories with.

Late into that night a kid came to me and offered me a meal. I, being a disgusting slop of a human, declined the offer.

"Are you alright?" A girl placed a hand on my knee.

"No."

In a minute more kids surrounded me and some hugged me, telling me that it was going to be fine.

"How do y'all know that?!"

"Because it became fine for us." The older girl said.

After that we told each other about our stories. I had to lie through my teeth in my most vulnerable moments. But in that one night being forced to take off my shell, I got closer to more people than I ever had in my life.

That was how my first night ended.

From that day onwards, we were told stories every night about history by the Apostle. Legends about bravery, grit, selflessness, and compassion. I was fed well every night. Three meals. Sure the food was never as good as the food dad made, but I felt undeserving of both of those meals. Even though a month had passed I still missed him dearly.

For the first time in my life I didn't have to take everything so seriously. I was allowed room to breathe. It took a while to adjust but after adjusting everything just felt calmer. I found that I wasn't as angry as I thought I was from the inside.

But before I knew it, the place that had sent my father to inslavement become my new home. A year in peace passed by much quicker than three years of gruelling on the ship. I was treated as a child for the first time in my life.

"How are you getting along with the others?" The apostle asked on one of our walks. She took time out of her schedule to have a walk with every kid at least once a month.

"They are nice kids. Always so happy. I feel infected by their happiness." Even my manner of speech had changed. Well, that was mostly because the sister of our group drilled it into me. Apparently the way I talked was inappropriate.

"Why infected? This is not a disease. Happiness is the general state of man. To be happy is to be normal. Remember, the only feelings you can get infected by are negative." The Apostle sometimes became weirdly serious about not so serious words.

"I meant it in a good manner."

"In that case, if you like the kids attitude so much, would you like to run this place?"

"What?"

"The priest is bound to get old someday and I have to leave on a journey of my own soon. I was wondering if you would like to take over the management of this yard." That was sudden.

"I-"

"No, that is springing too much on you too soon. One should never pass off responsibilities without considering the receiver." She mumbled. "Say, child, given nothing is barring you from succeeding, what would you like to do with your life?"

I immediately knew the answer but I hesitated to spit it out.

"You see…"

"Hmm?"

"I- I want to be a hero." For the first time in my life I noticed an unnerved expression on the Apostle's face.

"It's fine, not everyone's mental age develops at the same pace. You were robbed of the time you would have had to think about all this. Just enjoy life for now."

"No- wait not a hero, per se. What I wish is to be there for people when they need me and I wish to be able to- Argh this is so dumb. I don't know what exactly I want yet as a profession. I just know what I want to gain from it."

"And what is that?"

"I want to be believed." I had conviction in my eyes.

The Apostle took a moment before she crouched next to me and pulled me down too. It became much easier to see eye to eye.

"A hero, you say?" She passed her finger through my hair. "Then you ought to stop being selfish. As a hero, your ideas won't belong to you anymore. But they would still be your responsibility. One day if you say that every weak person deserves a helping hand, the people who believe in you will believe the same, but you will always have to prove that by constantly giving the weak a helping hand even if you despise them.

At that point your commitment matters more than your belief.

A hero is not a person who relies on their strength. A hero is a person who even when they have their arms and legs chopped off and are one arrow away from death would still stand up for what they believe is right." She lost the bewilderment in her eyes. "If you can't feel confident even telling me what you want, you are not ready."

"Aren't you too harsh on the kid, Miss Apostle?" The priest joined us from behind the bush.

"Of course just like with everything else in life this too is a skill that you can work on. I want your name to follow mine. If not anything else, I believe that you can be a hero. A hero greater than any other that came before you."

Maybe in the midst of this conversation and my self centeredness I had forgotten who I was in the presence of. The Apostle. A messenger of divinity. The strongest humanity had to offer.

"Thank you!" I bowed to her.

"Don't thank me for I have done something ordinary. I wish someone had told me what I had told you. In all honesty, I don't know why I am telling you all this, but I always wanted someone to hear my story somewhere down the line, and you just seemed the most appropriate person. 

I too dreamt of making the world a better place. I reached this place quite like you did as well. I grew up and before I knew it I became Leia's apostle, despite never meeting her. Last week was the first time I got her message. It was just a voice in my head asking me to take a pilgrimage. Out of all the things I had done I immediately understood that this was the one thing that mattered most to the world. My point with all of this is…"

She placed her hand on my shoulder.

"Become great. Stronger than anyone before you. More knowledgeable than generations to come. The priest will give you everything you need. Turn your will into a beacon that can light up these desolate times. Overcome the limits of humanity to succeed me. You should never be stuck with the title of Apostle. Become more than that. Be the next Hero."

Her eyes started glowing a deep emerald. The trees, plants, and flowers underneath our feet were dead; burdened by snow. And then they weren't. She freed life. Just with her will alone spring had come.

A week from then the Apostle had left. The oldest sister took the management position that the Apostle had held and the priest started my lessons. Days started with learning how to read and ended with endlessly swinging my sword until the night had passed— A thing I realised I had a talent for.

It was a quaint, simple life. A routine that lasted five years. Seasons changed, the country changed, and the people changed. With time, my friend, the older girl, who had started working clumsily a year ago was now a well-respected priestess. Alternatively, in the Apostle's absense the priest had become older and slightly less disciplined. 

And during all that time, I had become strong.

Until finally, in the moment of truth, five years later, the Goddess called.