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Cosmic Janitor

A man on a hospital bed was offered a job by a god. Said god introduced himself as a "god of amusement and entertainment." The man unhesitatingly accepted; what was the reason? He was bored. Having lived his life to the literal fullest—parachuting, skydiving, racing, boxing, and other adrenaline-pumping activities—left him exactly in his condition—a crippled, sick, BUT bored man in his middle thirties.  Join him in his wild adventures as he battles devils, zombies, and all sorts of crazy stuff you can dream up while lying in bed. Updates: It depends on my workload. Also, on my cat's mood. Suggestions: I've got some "worlds" planned, but feel free to suggest a game or anime world that needs some serious "cleaning." Disclaimer: The characters mentioned are not mine, except the OCs. Especially the Book Cover.

ChrisTian3421 · Anime & Comics
Not enough ratings
72 Chs

Boggling

(Katsuo POV)

Well, waking up bandaged and bruised was definitely not on my bucket list, well for this life. As I opened my eyes, I found myself in a medical bay, the sterile scent of antiseptic filling the air. The room was quiet, save for the steady beeping of monitors.

"Welcome back," Lisa's voice broke the silence. She was sitting beside my bed, looking relieved. "You gave us quite a scare."

"How long was I out?" I asked, my voice hoarse.

"About a day," she replied. "You took quite a beating, but we won. The Blightlord is gone, and the blight is starting to recede."

I let out a sigh of relief. "Good... That's good."

Lisa smiled. "You did great out there. Everyone's talking about how you stayed standing even after passing out. Pretty badass, if you ask me."

"Glad to hear I made an impression," I chuckled weakly. "How's everyone else holding up?"

"Everyone's fine. A few scrapes and bruises, but nothing serious. The healers have been working non-stop," Lisa said, her expression softening. "You really pulled us through out there, Katsuo."

Before I could respond, the door to the medical bay burst open, and in came Hank, John, Valerie, and Damysus, with Tom, my Maine Coon, perched comfortably in Damysus's arms.

"Look who we found trying to sneak into the room," Hank grinned, pointing at Tom.

"Thought you'd want some familiar company," John added, his usual bravado tempered by genuine concern.

Tom leaped from Damysus's arms onto the bed, nuzzling against my hand. "Hey, buddy," I said, scratching him behind the ears. "Thanks for bringing him."

Valerie crossed her arms and smirked. "You know, passing out and still standing up? That's a move straight out of a hero's playbook. How do you feel?"

"Like I got run over by a freight train," I admitted, eliciting chuckles from everyone.

"Well, you earned a good rest," Damysus said, his deep voice warm. "The mission was a success because of you."

"Yeah, man," Hank added. "You were incredible out there. Couldn't have done it without you."

"Group hug!" John announced, and before I could protest, they all leaned in, careful not to jostle me too much.

"Alright, alright," I laughed, touched by their camaraderie. "I appreciate it, really. But let's save the group hugs for when I'm not bandaged up like a mummy."

They laughed, and for a moment, the horrors of the blight seemed like a distant memory. Tom purred contentedly at my side, and I felt a deep sense of gratitude for my friends and teammates.

"Rest up, Katsuo," Lisa said softly.

I nodded, feeling a warmth spread through me. "Thanks, everyone. I couldn't ask for a better company."

With that, they left me to rest, Tom curling up beside me. As I drifted off to sleep, I knew that no matter what challenges lay ahead, we could face them together.

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{A Week Later}

Now at the simulator, I was stretching my body and joints. Being bedridden for an entire week cramped up my muscles, so getting back into the groove with a split felt surprisingly good. After I was done, I inputted the simulator to summon a bunch of goblins. Poor little guys.

Unsheathing Sanchomo, I prepared myself for a light workout. This time, I decided to focus solely on my swordsmanship. Despite having an outline of techniques, I never really named my swordsmanship style. It was more of a mishmash of copied and improvised techniques.

The goblins materialized before me, snarling and brandishing their crude weapons. I took a deep breath, feeling the familiar weight of Sanchomo in my hands. The first goblin lunged at me, and I moved with fluid precision, sidestepping and slicing through its defenses with ease.

As more goblins charged, I flowed through a series of techniques—sweeping slashes, precise thrusts, and quick parries. Each movement was a blend of styles I had encountered and adapted over the years. The goblins fell one by one, their attacks barely grazing me as I danced around them.

One goblin managed to get close, but a quick feint followed by a riposte ended its advance. Another tried to flank me, only to be met with a spinning slash that sent it sprawling. The simulator's feedback system provided resistance and realism, making each strike feel authentic and satisfying.

I couldn't help but think about how my unorthodox style had evolved. It wasn't bound by tradition or a specific school of thought. Instead, it was a reflection of my experiences and battles—a living, breathing testament to adaptability and survival.

The last goblin fell, and I sheathed Sanchomo, breathing heavily but feeling invigorated. The simulator powered down, and I took a moment to reflect.

"Maybe it's time to give my style a name," I mused aloud, wiping sweat from my brow. "Something that captures its essence."

Just then, the door opened, and Lisa walked in. "Getting back into the swing of things, I see," she said with a smile.

"Yeah, just a light workout to shake off the rust," I replied.

"Any thoughts on naming your style?" she asked, raising an eyebrow.

I chuckled. "Funny you should ask. I was just thinking about that. How about... the 'Adaptive Edge'?"

"I like it. It suits you." Lisa nodded thoughtfully. Then, with a gleam in her eye, she said something that absolutely boggled me, "So, wanna spar?"

My mind practically froze as I watched her materialize a great sword out of thin air. She then took off her blazer and tied her hair back, all while still in her pencil skirt and heels. With casual confidence, she began practicing swings, the great sword moving with surprising ease in her hands.

"Lisa, are you serious?" I asked, still processing the sight before me.

"Dead serious," she replied with a smirk. "Don't let the outfit fool you."

"You didn't tell me you could fight!" I said, confused and surprised.

"Well, you didn't ask," she casually replied, as if discussing the weather.

I stared at her, incredulous. "You're in a pencil skirt and heels! And you expect me to believe you can fight in that?"

She gave a light laugh. "Adapt and overcome, Katsuo. Besides, it's good practice for unexpected situations. Who knows when you might need to defend yourself in formalwear?"

I raised an eyebrow. "Formalwear? Are you planning to fight off ninjas at a board meeting?"

She shrugged, a playful glint in her eye. "You never know. Now, are we going to spar, or are you just going to keep making excuses?"

I sighed, shaking my head in disbelief. "Alright, but don't blame me if you trip over those heels."

With that, we squared off. Lisa held her great sword with a surprising amount of ease, given her attire. She moved into a ready stance, her heels clicking on the floor, looking entirely out of place and yet somehow completely in control.

"Ready when you are," I said, gripping Sanchomo.

Lisa lunged first, her great sword swinging with incredible speed and power. I parried, the force of her attack reverberating up my arms. We exchanged blows, my lighter, quicker strikes meeting her powerful, deliberate ones. Despite the seeming disadvantage of her attire, Lisa moved with grace and precision, each strike calculated and deadly.

"Not bad," she said, dodging a thrust and countering with a sweeping slash that I barely avoided. Her heels clicked sharply with each movement, creating an almost rhythmic pattern.

"You're not making this easy," I replied, sidestepping and launching a series of rapid slashes.

"Wouldn't want to," she said, blocking my attacks and pushing me back. "Besides, I can't let you think you're the only one around here with skills."

We continued sparring, the intensity increasing with each exchange. I utilized the adaptability of my style, mixing in different techniques and movements, trying to keep Lisa on her heels. But she was relentless, her great sword a whirlwind of steel that demanded my full attention.

At one point, she did a spin that made her skirt flare out, and I couldn't help but laugh. "Is that a battle move or a runway walk?"

"Why not both?" she retorted, grinning as she blocked my next strike.

Finally, after what felt like an eternity, we both stepped back. I was breathing heavily but grinning, while she maintained her nonchalant attitude, not a hair out of place.

"So you aren't a manager just because of your looks?" I asked between breaths, wondering about my life choices. I mean, I got beaten by a woman in heels while wielding a great sword! And I was the one panting!

"Nope," she said, popping the 'P'. "Got a few achievements under the belt, you know?"

Breathing in, I snapped back. "I've been 'under your belt'," I said, smirking. "A couple of times too."

"Ah, the sex joke," she said, rolling her eyes but smiling. "Classy as always, Katsuo."

I chuckled, feeling the tension from the sparring session ease. "Hey, I can't help it if the truth is funny."

She shook her head, still smiling. "Well, as much as I'd love to continue this witty banter, we need to talk about the aftermath and your upcoming rank-up mission."

My face turned solemn, and I nodded.

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As we headed to her office, I strategized my next move. With only nine months left until my rank-up mission, currently at Adept Core - IV, I noted that high-stress situations could help me gain a sub-level. Hopefully, I could achieve a major rank next time. My focus then turned to my skill set. Infernal Clarity was doing wonders as I calculated.

I could now confidently say I had mastered Enhanced Shunpo; my movements were more seamless, and it wasn't as stamina-draining as before. Perhaps my stamina had grown? Either way, it was a good development.

Next were my heavy-hitters: Judgment Cut, Rapid Slash, and Giant Sword. I planned to integrate the first two into my newly named swordsmanship, the Adaptive Edge. As for the latter, a bit more training was needed since I didn't use it as often, opting instead for my Pyrobolts and Summoned Swords.

Lastly, there was my Sword Essence and elemental manipulation: Fire, Air, Earth, Electric, and Lightning. With Sword Essence, I could coat more elemental properties onto my Sanchomo and Summoned Swords, akin to hungry beasts asking for meat.

Regarding my elemental manipulations, Fire and Air were progressing well. I had bolstered my Fire's heat, but I aimed to output and maintain at least a thousand degrees Celsius. My Earth manipulation was also improving, allowing me to micromanage constructs more effectively. Lastly, there was Lightning and Electric manipulation. I primarily used Lightning as a speed boost, while Electric manipulation was almost forgotten. Theoretically, I could use Electric manipulation as a telekinetic ability—useful for everyday life, I mused.

Jolting me from my thoughts was Lisa's voice, "Come on, enter," as she opened the door. Her office was as usual, with stacks of papers on her desk.

As we both sat down, she somberly said, "I'll say the bad news first." She took a breath as I readied myself. "The god that requested to 'absorb' the essences got a bit finicky. So he tricked both Sin and Innocence. The result? He absorbed them."

My face remained stoic as I nodded, opting for her to continue. "So, you won't have backup in the Path of Exile world, as Sin could have guided you throughout your job."

I let out a slow breath, processing the implications. "Alright, so we're going in blind."

Lisa nodded. "Essentially, yes. You'll need to rely on your instincts and the training you've been working on. The essence absorption has made the god more powerful, and he wants more, but he's in a hibernation state."

"So he didn't fully absorb them yet?" I asked, intrigued by the revelation.

"Yes, so the really bad news is," Lisa took a deep breath, "the initial nine months have been moved to three months."

I flinched, my mind racing with numerous thoughts. I would be fighting Eldritch Horrors, a Cosmic Entity, world-enders, the abyss, and conquerors. And to add butter to my jelly, I would be doing it solo! With nine months, it would have been doable at best. But three? Three was insanity!

"Can I negotiate?" I asked, hoping for some sort of approval.

Lisa, noticing my tone, felt pity and just sighed. "Unfortunately, the deal is final—three months, no more, no less. And it has been your designated mission for about two months now."

I ran a hand through my hair, trying to process the situation. "Alright, three months it is. We'll make every day count."

"Now, the good news," Lisa smiled lightly. "Due to you being the first to 'name' a newly discovered creature, namely the Blightguard and its amalgamation, Blightlord, you have been awarded this." As she said this, she reached out her arm, and an "orb" materialized in her hand.

"What's that?" I asked, intrigued and hoping it would be something helpful. The orb glowed with an inner light, shifting through hues of red, yellow, and brown. The surface looked smooth and cool to the touch, with intricate patterns that seemed to pulse gently, symbolizing the harmonious balance of the colors within.

"This, Katsuo," she paused, teasing me, "is a purified Blightlord's core."

My mind went blanked, but I managed to utter a single coherent word, "Whut?"

Lisa chuckled at my reaction. "Yes, a purified Blightlord's core. It holds immense power and can significantly boost your elemental manipulations and overall strength. Think of it as a turbocharger for your abilities."

"No, no, no, thanks for that, but what the hell? It's been only a week, and you guys managed to create this core in that time?" I was clearly surprised, my voice laced with hysteria.

"You underestimate us, Katsuo," she shot me a sly grin, looking amused.

"Yeah, well, shit, everything goes on this job anyway," I forced myself to calm down. Could you blame me for reacting like that? That thing almost wiped us out, like a kamikaze pilot aiming for a battleship, but the pilot was carrying a Grade-S nuke that could wipe out an entire fleet.

She chuckled and handed the core to me. "Here."

"So now what?" I asked, still surprised and confused but slightly ecstatic about the power boost.

"You can absorb it now, but I recommend hearing me out first," she said firmly.

I nodded and held the core in my hand. It was palm-sized, so I could carry it easily.

"I have a registered avatar on the simulator you can fight to hone your swordsmanship," she said confidently. "Make sure to set it to at least three thousand years ago."

"Oh wow, I banged a chick thousands of years older than me," I said flatly, as if all the surprise had been sucked out of me. "What next? Elara is a wizard who can destroy a planet if she wakes up on the wrong side of the bed?"

Lisa watched me and just grinned. As she was about to say something, I raised my palm towards her and rubbed my temples with the other hand. "You know what? Just don't, okay? Don't." I sighed tiredly.

"You seem surprised," her voice was filled with sarcasm and teasing.

"Well, at least I made a three-thousand-year-old chick moan my name. Wait, scratch that," I pointed two fingers, "two chicks moan my name." I grinned, impressed by my comeback.

"Touche, Katsuo, touche." She golf clapped. "Well, I've wasted your precious time enough," she stood up from her chair. "Good luck with your training, and don't forget, avatar at least three thousand years."

"Got it, pedo!" I gave her a mock salute.

Then I exited her office with the core in my hand, feeling a mix of thrill and excitement for the challenges ahead.

Adaptive Edge?

It sounds like the name of a tech startup rather than a swordsmanship name. You know, where your sword's algorithm calculates the perfect parry.

But hey, at least it’s better than 'Mediocre Blade' or 'Predictable Strike!' It's short, sharp, and with a name like that, you’re already halfway to convincing your enemies that you’re either a sword master or a software developer. Maybe both!

Speaking of tech!

You ever sit around and wonder about the mysteries of electricity? I mean, come on, it's like magic we’ve all just agreed to accept. Here we are, flipping switches and charging our gadgets without really thinking about the invisible wizardry at work.

I sometimes find myself marveling at how electricity powers everything from our microwaves to our internet, and yet it’s essentially just a bunch of electrons playing hopscotch through wires. How did we even figure this out? I can barely untangle my headphones, and someone out there was like, "Let's harness lightning and make it toast our bread."

Then there's the whole AC/DC debate, which, no, isn't just about a rock band. It's about alternating current and direct current. Nikola Tesla and Thomas Edison had a whole beef over it! Imagine being so deep into the mysteries of electricity that you start a rivalry over how electrons should move. Meanwhile, I’m just over here, trying to remember not to stick a fork in the toaster.

So next time you plug in your phone or turn on a light, take a moment to appreciate the sheer brilliance (and slight insanity) of those who unlocked the secrets of electricity. Because without them, we'd all still be sitting in the dark, literally and metaphorically.

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