Chapter 31: Goodbye ll

-- WEDNESDAY, MAY 10, 2006, FINALS BREAK --

While the combination of Benadryl and prescription painkillers couldn't ensure that I would get a good night's rest, they certainly made sure I was out cold well before my usual bedtime. I didn't even remember Adrienne coming back into the room. But she had come back, and she was in my bed when I woke up.

My eyelids were still heavy, my throat was dry, and I could taste the foulness of my morning breath. Despite the presence of two nubile females in bed with me, the weakness of my body and the freshness of a splitting headache that hadn't received a dose of painkillers in ten hours made sure that sex was the furthest thing on my mind, and I didn't even have morning wood. So the first thing I did as soon as I had the energy to sit up was reach across Sasha's body to retrieve my pills from the nightstand.

And I had to pee.

I'd been spooning Sasha in my sleep, but now released her to climb over her body and hop onto the floor. She didn't react much except to stir a little and mumble in her sleep. Adrienne, on the other hand, had been spooning me, and my escape had woken her. Sleepy-eyed, she picked her head up to look at me while I gestured for her to put her head back down.

I got the water bottle from my nightstand, downed my pills, and escaped into the bathroom. When I returned, however, Adrienne was sitting up looking oh, so sexy and gorgeous as she ran her hand through her unkempt hair while a flimsy babydoll nightie did a piss-poor job of containing her braless bosom.

Okay, despite the splitting headache, I was starting to think about sex. There was nothing wrong with my hormones, after all.

"C'mere, Tiger," Adrienne mumbled, still sleepy, with her arms stretched out to me. I went to her side of the bed and she pushed her nose into my belly while wrapping her arms around my waist. She hummed in contentment as she mashed her cheek against my bare abs, lightly stroked my spine, and rubbed my buns.

"You sleep okay?" I asked, looking down and running my hands through her hair.

"I'm supposed to be asking you," she muttered before yawning and looking up at me with a drowsy smile.

"At home, in my own bed, with the two of you? Best night's sleep I've had in a LONG time."

She smiled in satisfaction at my response and pushed her nose into my belly again. I was content to hug her head against me, but I suddenly felt something tickling my balls and pulled back far enough to look down and find Adrienne almost experimentally playing with my equipment.

"Not quite fully-functional just yet?" she asked, waking up a little as she glanced at my face.

I shrugged. "I'll be fine soon enough I'm sure; not worried about it. I've gotten erections from time to time over the last couple of days, and more or less I feel completely normal. It's just that I've either had headaches or just not been in the mood to really let it last."

"Poor baby..." She switched from playing experimentally to a thumb and forefinger grip around the shaft, stroking me gently.

Shaking my head, I reached down and pulled Adrienne's hand away. "Not that I don't appreciate the sentiment, but my painkillers haven't kicked in yet and now is one of those moments when I'm not really in the mood. The twins and our parents are still downstairs and there's a lot in my life not settled yet."

Adrienne grinned. "Then let's get your life settled again. I miss making love with you."

Though I'd fallen asleep early last night, thanks to my drowsiness-inducing cocktail of drugs, I apparently was the only one. After I'd passed out, Sasha and Adrienne had returned downstairs to join my parents and the twins for one last evening discussion in their pajamas. Apparently my conversation with Sasha had given her the courage to talk about the feelings she'd kept bottled up for the last few days, about her love for me and her hopes for our future. Adrienne backed her up, and supposedly Mom had taken quite a liking to Sasha after that.

Adrienne told me all of this while we were in the kitchen making breakfast and everyone else in the house was still asleep. But the smell of Belgian waffles, eggs, and especially bacon wafted through the house and started rousing my family members. And Mom practically had a conniption fit when she realized that I was upright and cooking in front of an open flame instead of convalescing in bed.

Apparently, my willingness to put my health and safety in such death-defying jeopardy made it abundantly clear that I was not yet ready to take care of myself, which therefore meant that she should not be returning home just yet. Dad actually had to talk her down from the idea of letting him drive the twins home so they could get back to school while she remained living with me until such time as I could prove my independence. He was helped when Brooke arrived and assured Mom that she and Adrienne would personally ensure that I wouldn't engage in any other strenuous activity (like cooking, apparently) that would set back my recovery. And Sasha decided to take my mom's side against mine for the first time (but not the last time) when she agreed as well.

Thankfully, Mom, Dad, and the twins left shortly after breakfast for the long drive back to SoCal. And Brooke promptly walked over and handed me her dirty plate.

"What?" I shrugged as I looked up at her before reclining and resting my hands on the back of my head. "I'm not supposed to be straining myself."

Brooke smirked and slid over Dad's empty plate as well. "I promised Mom you wouldn't cook. Didn't say a damn thing about you not cleaning up the dishes."

I rolled my eyes, grabbed the plates, and stood up. But before I could, Sasha reached over and took them from me. "Well -I- promised your Mother I'd make sure you took good care of yourself, and I won't let my first promise to a potential in-law become a lie."

"'Potential in-law'?" I asked in surprise, popping my eyebrows.

Sasha blushed pink and muttered in embarrassment, "Uh ... I didn't mean ... I ... I just meant that she's your Mom and I don't want ... Ah, shit. Let's not blow that comment out of proportion."

I simply laughed and waved her on.

Brooke smiled as she collected some of the other plates. "No worries. And we'll clean up. Only fair since you and AD did the cooking."

Adrienne patted Brooke's shoulder as my sister and Sasha headed into the kitchen. She took me by the hand and head-nodded up the stairs. "C'mon, Tiger. It's time for you to go back to your bedroom."

"Bedroom?" I arched an eyebrow. "Uh, not that I'm complaining, but didn't you just agree that I shouldn't be doing anything strenuous? And honestly, I don't think--"

"ReLAX," Adrienne interrupted as she laughed. "Never thought I'd see the day when you'd be nervous about having sex with me. No, we need to get up there because YOU, Mister, still have Finals starting in two days. And correct me if I'm wrong, but you haven't studied one BIT since Friday."

I groaned and rubbed my forehead. "Okay, I realize that most of the stuff from my coma dream was wish-fulfillment fantasy, but of everything that could have been true, it would have REALLY been nice not having to take my Finals this year."

Adrienne shrugged. "Guess Destiny can't make things TOO easy for you."

I mimed the upper-right side of my head. "You call this EASY?"

An hour later, I was seated in my living room with textbooks around me and Sasha on the other couch. Today and Thursday were our two days of break before Finals started on Friday, and because we were Graduating Seniors, that meant that our exams were all front-loaded so as to be graded well before commencement in a week and a half.

After putting her modeling career on hold for a few days while taking care of me, Adrienne had gone into The City today but promised she'd be back in the afternoon. Brooke had also left after cleaning the dishes to get her own studying for Finals done with her friends and classmates. But as it turned out, a few of them couldn't focus on doing so until they'd put a different matter into their rearview mirror.

Brooke still had her own key, and instead of ringing the doorbell she simply let herself in. She'd only been gone for twenty minutes, so when I saw her I looked up and asked, "You forget something?"

Standing in the archway, my sister shrugged and glanced behind her as she came into the living room. It wasn't much of a surprise to see DJ follow after, but I was a little more startled when Meli and Lexi walked in as well.

It was the first time I'd seen either froshling since fucking the two of them in Carter's Showroom. Both of them immediately looked at the fresh bandage covering my practically bald scalp, Meli turning a little green while Lexi gasped and covered her mouth with one hand.

"Does it hurt?" Lexi asked in obvious concern.

"It's alright. Skull bone got a little bruised but I'll be fine. I'm already used to bullet scars so it's no big deal," I added breezily, tracing my left cheek and shrugging to make light of the situation.

But Lexi still looked ready to cry. "I'm so sorry. I should have listened to you when I had the chance."

"Apology accepted," I said with a sigh as I closed my book and leaned back in my seat, "but I'm not going to dwell on it. In truth, I'm more sorry for my own role in how things turned out."

Meli stepped forward and sat on the edge of the couch, with about a cushion of space between us. "Brooke and DJ have told us some of the story behind why you went there. Why you and Adrienne ... and I ... ended up performing in that room..."

Meli's voice trailed off, and I grimaced while trying to form an apology for deceiving her regarding my true purpose in being there. No beating around the bush, I'd fucked her as a diversionary tactic to seek out my own goal. At best I'd misled her and at worst I'd flat out used her. "I'm sorry--"

"I'm not blaming you," Meli cut me off. "You were trying to rescue your friend, Cameron?"

I shrugged. "I don't know that I'd have termed us friends, but yes. Tried and failed," I finished grimly.

Everyone in the room went silent at that, but Sasha slid over to the seat beside me, took my hand in hers, and squeezed it firmly. "You may not have saved Cameron, but Carter's dead."

"And -I- killed him. YOUR boyfriend," I added while nodding toward Lexi.

"One less bad person on this planet," Sasha replied.

"And I've talked to some of his other 'girlfriends'," Lexi spoke up, looking a little green herself. "You were right, Ben. You were right, and you saved me from becoming like one of them."

"And you saved Elyse, right?" Sasha added, swinging my hand in hers while smiling and clearly trying to cheer me up. "We'll go visit her in the hospital when they let us. And you can ask her--"

"Um, sorry to interrupt," Brooke said while clearing her throat. "But that's the other reason I came back so soon."

Sasha and I frowned and looked over at Brooke, but she was staring at Lexi.

Meli was squeezing Lexi's hand and swinging it in a way not so different from the way Sasha had been doing to mine, but Lexi was staring a thousand yards away straight through the coffee table, looking ready to throw up. Meli switched to wrapping an arm around her roommate's back, and added her second arm as well to sway the other girl side-to-side in a fierce hug while whispering in her ear.

"What happened?" I asked in alarm, my eyes on Brooke again.

DJ sighed and gestured toward Lexi, explaining, "She got some news this morning. See--"

"Elyse is dead," Lexi interrupted quietly, in a haunted voice.

"Excuse me?" Sasha abruptly jerked her hand away from mine as she sat up straight.

Lexi turned and stared at Sasha, her eyes smoldering with intense but murky energy. "Audrey called me this morning. They found her body at Jasper's house."

"Wait, WHAT?" Now I was suddenly on my feet.

"He's dead, too, and so are a few of his buddies," Lexi said grimly, glancing up at me before once again scrutinizing the coffee table. "The police are calling it a meth lab explosion. Whole place went up in flames. Audrey thinks Elyse went there and set it off intentionally. Maybe she's right, or maybe it was an accident. In the end it doesn't matter. Everybody's dead."

Brooke came over and hugged me. "Thought you should know."

I wrapped an arm around my sister and sat down. Sasha hugged me from the other side, burying her face against my shoulder as she began to cry and mourn her lost friend.

Lexi looked up at me again. "I should have listened to you."

I shook my head dismissively, still thinking about Elyse's final moments, wondering what was going through her head just before she died. Wondering what had been going through her head for the last few DAYS.

Lexi whimpered and added, "If I had, then maybe no one would have died."

Sighing, I tilted my cheek down on top of Sasha's head. "Coulda, shoulda, woulda. It doesn't matter anymore. What's done is done."

Just then, the doorbell rang. Meli and Lexi looked at me, but it was clear that I wasn't standing up anytime soon. Instead, DJ got up and headed into the hallway.

Sasha started shuddering in my arms as her sobs grew in weight and volume. It took all my strength to continue holding her as I bowed my head and began crying as well. And from my other side I felt Brooke squeezing me even tighter than before.

For all my guilt over failing to rescue Cameron, I had comforted myself in the knowledge that at least Elyse had lived. No, I couldn't claim that I'd saved her. She'd saved me. But after everything that had happened, and with two dead bodies left behind in that room, I'd been SO glad that somebody had survived, and took solace in the idea that Elyse's future could be a little bit brighter than her past.

But that future was gone. In the end, I hadn't saved anyone. Carter was dead. Cameron was dead. And now Elyse was dead. I'd never get the chance to talk to her again. I'd never be able to ask her why she'd fought so hard that night. Three lives had been snuffed out of existence because I'd gone into that house looking for trouble. All my efforts had ultimately done a lot of harm and very little good, and I would have to bear that guilt for the rest of my life.

DJ returned to the archway, an unreadable expression on her face as she walked into the room. Following immediately behind her was another blonde, and for a moment I wondered what the hell she was doing here before remembering that I'd told her to come back today.

Dawn gasped in surprise to see the grim faces of the froshlings, the way Sasha was sobbing into my chest, and the tears rolling down my own eyes. Covering her mouth with one hand, she turned to her little sister and asked, "What happened?"

DJ took a deep breath, trying to figure out how to reply. But before she could, I sat up straight and answered for her.

"Everybody's dead."

"Hey ... It'll be okay..."

When the world came back to me, I found myself in a position I'd long associated with comfort: my head pillowed on a woman's breasts. There's something very maternal about it, breasts being mammary glands providing warmth and nourishment to babies and all. Not that I had any memories of suckling at my mother's teats or anything. Whatever instincts had been ingrained in me since infancy, all my recent associations of comfort with the position came from cuddling with my various lovers, quite frequently as a resting position after spurting every ounce of babymaking semen into the furthest recesses of their wombs.

But not every head/breast-pillowing came in conjunction with a sexual moment. Sometimes I simply liked doing it because it felt nice. And sometimes I did it because I felt down and the sensation of warmth against my cheeks simply made me feel better.

This was one of the latter. I didn't remember placing my head in this position. I didn't recall the exact circumstances that led us here. And at first I didn't even remember whose very firm and buoyant D-cups my head was pillowed upon.

But as my heart rate slowed, and as I took deeper and deeper breaths, it all started coming back to me. As my mind slowed down, and as the rioting emotions receded, I became more consciously aware of my situation, and also realized that what I was currently doing to Dawn wasn't exactly appropriate given the current nature of our relationship.

Feeling moisture against my cheek, I realized that I was drooling. Releasing my arms from around her body, I pulled my head back and wiped my mouth while gawking at the moisture I'd slimed onto Dawn's chest from both my tears and my drool. She wore a pastel blue top with three-quarter sleeves on her slender body, and I wouldn't have felt so bad if I'd merely soaked a couple of patches on her shirt. But it was a V-neck collar and my face had been right up against her bare skin, so I'd literally been drooling into Dawn's cleavage, and that realization made me turn pink in embarrassment.

"Gawd, I'm so sorry," I mumbled while wiping my face: eyes, mouth, and nose.

Dawn gave me a serenely sympathetic look, without malice or reproach, and she smiled as she replied, "It's okay. I don't mind."

My first instinct was to get up and run away, but it would have been difficult to do so since Dawn was currently seated across my lap in one of my bedroom armchairs. Memories of everything that had transpired since her arrival in the living room flooded my brain, although I couldn't quite put a finger on the exact sequence of events that ultimately led us into such an intimate position. All I could really rationalize was that I'd been distraught, she'd been a willing listener, and for a little while at least, all of the angst and turmoil between us over the last year simply hadn't mattered. I'd needed comfort, and my Dawn was there to give it to me.

But I didn't feel quite so distraught anymore. I remembered all that turmoil now. And it suddenly felt pretty awkward to have my cheating ex-girlfriend who I hadn't spoken to for five months sitting in my lap.

She felt me getting anxious and fidgeting beneath her, so Dawn slid herself off my lap and stood. I got up as well and strode over to the nightstand to retrieve a few tissues, using them to wipe my face and blow my nose. When I felt like I could both see and breathe clearly again, I took a deep breath and turned to face her.

"I'm sorry I dumped all of that on you just now," I apologized.

"Don't be. I was happy you felt comfortable enough with me to share all that."

I shrugged. "Yeah, well, I think I was distraught enough that I would have dumped that on anyone willing to listen."

Dawn pouted briefly, sensing my attempt to diminish her role, but she quickly shrugged it off. "Well then I'm just glad I was here for you at the right time."

I shook my head and mentally reviewed everything I'd just confessed. There was a lot to cover.

In the living room, I'd forced myself to be strong for Sasha's sake. After sobbing her heart out for a few minutes, she started peppering Lexi and Meli with questions they didn't have answers to surrounding the circumstances of Elyse's death. She went a little hysterical demanding that Lexi give her Audrey's and Jessica's phone numbers so she could interrogate them herself, and it took Brooke calling up the hospital to deflect Sasha on a different course.

Once Brooke got through to a human being, Sasha grabbed the phone and started interrogating some poor operator who didn't have a clue what the hell was going on. The operator deserved some credit for not hanging up on the crazy lady on the phone, but perhaps he was used to dealing with frantic friends and relatives. I managed to convince Sasha to let me do the talking, although she kept barking out backseat suggestions until we finally got some answers.

Apparently, Elyse had been discharged early from the hospital yesterday afternoon as she was no longer in critical condition and her lack of health insurance meant that she couldn't afford to pay for continued care. Although my family had requested that we be informed as to her status, for some reason that request was never appended to Elyse's file. And since none of us had been formally added to Elyse's file as a contact, none of us had been called when she'd been sent away with nothing but the clothes on her back and some instructions on how to continue self-care for her wound.

The hospital apologized for their oversight, as if it would do us any good now.

I didn't know why Elyse hadn't tried to contact us. She knew where we lived, we'd given her our cell phone numbers, and the house wasn't very far away from the hospital. Maybe she believed we didn't care. Maybe she didn't realize none of us were allowed to visit her in the restricted unit, no matter how much Sasha had pleaded with the nurses. Or maybe she simply had plans of her own, plans that led her back to Jasper's house.

Whatever her reasons, Elyse didn't contact any of us. I'd never be able to ask her why. I'd never be able to ask what made her go back to Jasper's. And I'd never know the truth of what happened in that house before it went up in a fiery explosion.

I HATED not knowing.

Still, I liked to believe that Elyse got her revenge. Jasper certainly deserved it, after everything he'd done to her. I only wished there had been some solution in which she could have lived. I wished she had come to me again to ask for help. I wished I could have done something else to save her.

But I'd failed.

Again.

And the life flashing out of Cameron's eyes as the gun went off haunted me once more.

Dawn told me not to blame myself. I was a little fuzzy on the details of how I ended up in my bedroom alone with her. Sasha was in her own room, having cried herself to sleep. I remembered kissing her on the forehead myself before stepping outside and closing the door. I remembered Lexi and Meli leaving the house to deal with the situation in their own ways. And I remembered asking Brooke and DJ to give me some privacy as I headed back upstairs.

I didn't remember Dawn joining me, but I remembered her opening her arms in invitation and me walking forward to bury my face against her shoulder while she wrapped me up in a fierce hug.

I told her everything, reminding her of me seeing Elyse at Carter's house the night Ryan sent me that text of her choosing him over me. I told her about Elyse showing up on my doorstep claiming that her name was Serena Grey. I told her about coming home to find Elyse gone and learning that one of the froshlings was Carter's next target.

Dawn had already learned some of the details about Cameron being Carter's step-sister and how Cameron had been close friends with my ex, Amber. But Dawn had never known before just how deeply I'd started to care for Amber in such a short time, and how I'd started to honestly see myself living the rest of my life with someone else.

I told her about Amber and I both realizing that we were projecting our lost soulmates onto each other, and how we'd ultimately chosen to break up rather than settle for shadows. And I told Dawn about my profound sense of loss when she'd finally come back to talk to me only to leave again for Morris Camp.

I told her about how she'd haunted all of my relationships ever since. I told her about how DJ's insecurities over me not being over her had ultimately undermined that relationship and led to abortion and break-up. I told her about impregnating Kim in my desperation. And I told her about keeping my heart locked away, even with girls like Sasha, Andie, and the rest doing so much to make me feel again.

And now this. I told her about feeling like such a failure. Here I was, at the cusp of graduation, and all I could think about were all the ways in which I'd come up short.

I'd failed to love.

I'd failed to save.

And I was scared I'd fail again.

So I'd cried.

I'd cried, and I'd cried, and I'd cried. I'd been doing a lot of that lately. For a self-proclaimed non-crier, I'd done an awful lot of crying this last year. Part of me blamed her. I said that right to Dawn's face. She'd royally fucked me up ever since she cheated on me and left. I reminded her of the hell I'd been in right after she'd walked out on me and refused to stick around to fix things, and I howled about how I could never have another have another romantic relationship for the rest of my life without comparing it to ours. I'd never thought I'd even need to HAVE another romance. My life had been so perfect: in love with my soulmate, academically successful, with nothing but bright stars and blue skies ahead of me.

Now this.

Oh, yeah, I blamed her alright. I vented and yelled and cried some more. Then I realized that I couldn't blame Dawn one bit for what had happened to Carter, Cameron, and Elyse. Their deaths were all on me, and I went back to blaming myself.

At some point I must have cried myself out. I may have even cried myself to sleep. But when I awoke it was with my tears and drool making slime trails into Dawn's cleavage, and now here we were.

Just her and me.

Less than five feet away from the spot where I'd hurled all over the floor as she walked out the door a year ago.

"So now what?" I asked, my throat raw and my voice a little hoarse.

Dawn took a deep breath, pursed her lips, and canted her head to the side. With warm, liquid blue eyes full of sadness and regret, she gave me an apologetic look and said, "Now I say goodbye."

I still remembered everything that had happened in my dream, none of it more vivid than the memory of waking up from a fictional coma to find that Dawn had raced through the night to be by my side. Although I'd woken up to a reality that bore little resemblance to the wish fulfillment of my fantasy future, to have my mom tell me that in truth Dawn HAD woken up screaming my name in the middle of the night, well ... how could any romantic at heart NOT take that as a positive sign? For all my hatred of what she'd done to me, for all the unresolved feelings I'd buried away and let fester into resentment over the course of the last year – not to mention a direct attempt to sever it – I'd chosen to believe our mystical connection still existed, and I'd chosen to believe that meant something special. Even if the rest of reality didn't match up with my wish fulfillment fantasy, I'd be quite happy if the 'Dawn and Me' part did.

But instead she was saying goodbye.

I didn't want to deal with that right away, so standing up and wiping my face, I announced, "I need a minute, okay?"

Taking a deep breath, Dawn looked like she wouldn't mind a few minutes to brace herself as well, and she nodded her agreement.

I stood up and walked out the door without a backwards glance. I knew that she knew I'd be back. Brooke and DJ were still in the living room when I returned, engrossed in their own conversation. They both looked up at me, but my expression must've been of the 'don't fuck with me' variety, and I passed into the kitchen without a word. A few minutes later, I returned to my bedroom, closed the door, handed Dawn her mug of coffee, and took a sip of mine.

She watched me sit down in my chair again before taking her sip. Her eyes were still on me, studying me and thinking, when the taste first hit her. Her eyes went wide, and she looked down at her mug and muttered, "Huh..."

I frowned and looked up. "Something wrong?"

"No, no ... It's just..." She trailed off for a moment, the surprise still evident on her face. But then looking up at me with a smile, she said, "I was expecting you to put in two cream and three sugars, the way I always used to have it."

I waved dismissively and shook my head. "With as much coffee as you've been drinking up at camp? All those early mornings? You already told me you got used to it being darker and less sweet."

Dawn frowned. "Did I? I don't remember telling you that. But I must've, because you're right."

I blinked, and now it was my turn for my eyes to go wide as I realized that she hadn't told me.

Not really...

"Anyway," Dawn began before taking another sip and wrapping both hands around the warm mug, "I was just telling you that I've got to leave."

I sighed wearily. The way Dawn took her coffee was apparently the same as in my coma dream, but reality would prove to be very different in other areas.

In my dream, Dawn had dropped everything else going on in her life to stay here and wait patiently for me to forgive her.

But in reality, she explained, "I've got to get back to Camp. Norma obviously let me stay away this long because she knows our families and knew I had to be here after you got shot. But now that you're alright and on the mend, it only makes sense for me to return."

"When?"

"I'll leave tomorrow morning. Early, to beat rush hour traffic up 880."

"Do you have to leave so soon? I feel like you just got here, and this is really the first chance we've had to talk."

"I have obligations to the people up there who are counting on me. The Camp is already open and tourist season will really kick off over Memorial Weekend. That's less than three weeks away."

In my dream, Dawn had remained celibate in my absence, saving herself for me.

But in reality, she admitted, "I'm kind of in this complicated three-way relationship with Nick and Deedee. It's hard to explain, other than that we're having sex with each other and giving each other a lot of emotional support. At first, it was Nick and Deedee who were the public 'couple' and I was just their friend-with-benefits. But about a month ago the three of us sat down and really hashed out our feelings, so now it's me and Nick who are officially in a relationship."

"So he's your boyfriend now."

Dawn took a deep breath, gave me an apologetic shrug, and nodded in confirmation.

"Lucky guy. You're quite the catch. And I mean that sincerely."

She gave me an almost embarrassed smile. "Thanks."

In my dream, I admitted how hard I'd tried to forget her, to pretend that she didn't exist. I'd told her how much I still struggled to forgive her, even after all this time.

But in reality, I told her that I DID forgive her, and I meant it. Something had happened to me in the four months I'd lived in that fantasy. I'd taken my frustration out on her. I'd given her the cold shoulder even though she'd come back to make amends. But then I'd realized that continuing the cycle of her avoiding me and then me avoiding her wouldn't make anything better between us. I'd made the decision to let bygones be bygones and let go of my hatred, as continuing to resent her would only make me even more miserable. And I'd made the decision that I'd rather live the rest of my life with her in it than out.

Those realizations had come in my fantasy dream, but they felt real enough to me. Maybe I was letting "real" Dawn off the hook since she didn't really have to experience four months of getting the cold shoulder. The real Dawn hadn't remained celibate in penance for what she'd done. The real Dawn wasn't dropping everything else in her life to patiently wait for me to forgive her.

And that was okay. The real Dawn had beaten herself up over her failures enough over the last year. The real Dawn had suffered through her own demons, and even witnessed her own worst nightmare last December when she got a call one day to find out her little sister was pregnant with my baby and showed up at her family home to find me proposing marriage to DJ instead of her. I could see that now, with months and months of hindsight and perspective to look back on.

She still tried to apologize, even after I told her I forgave her. She got really flustered, too, saying, "Gawd, I've spent months composing and rehearsing exactly what I wanted to say to you when I got the chance to have this conversation, and now that we're here I've forgotten everything."

"That's okay," I replied with a shrug. "I like it better this way. We both just say what comes from the heart."

"Well my heart says I'm sorry, most especially for the things I said to DJ when you two were together. I felt horrible when I found out you two broke up, knowing that I played a part in ending my little sister's happiness, and yours. I've made my peace with her, but I still need to apologize to you."

I shook my head. "I said my fill of hateful things to you as well, none more than that phone call on New Year's Eve. You don't need to apologize."

"I still do. Feel free to apologize for the shit you said, but I still need to apologize for the shit -I- said. The words came from a place of great hurt, and a sense of betrayal. But I know everything that happened was as much a product of my own actions as anything, and when you and DJ both deserved a supportive sister who would understand, you got a witch instead. For that I'm sorry."

I nodded. "And you got a bitter ex-boyfriend who'd bottled up all his pain and found an excuse to lash out at you. Life was hard enough being away from your family, and to find out I'd impregnated and proposed to DJ ... well ... let's just say that 'betrayal' is a perfectly apt term. No matter how things turned out in the end, I'm sorry for how I treated you back then."

Dawn shrugged and gave me a hopeful smile. I gave her one back, neither of us totally comfortable but both feeling a little better now that we'd made baby steps toward closure.

"What else does your heart tell you?" I asked after a short silence.

"Well, my heart says I still love you, but not like I loved you before," Dawn said with those liquid blue eyes full of sadness and regret. "I spent a long time wishing I could go back in time, undo the mistakes I made, and live out the rest of my life the way I'd always expected it to go: you and me, soulmates for all eternity."

"But you don't wish you could go back in time anymore?"

She shook her head. "What's the point? It's not like I could actually go back in time. Continuing to wish I could meant continuing to dwell on the past. It meant trying to rebuild a house out of the same pieces of rubble that had been left on the ground. No matter how much I might try, even if I managed to put every brick back exactly where it used to be, the damage was done. The structure would never be the same as it was. And it would ultimately be doomed to fall apart again."

"Our old relationship is gone, and nothing we do is going to bring it back."

"I'm sorry. I spent the first four months of my time at Camp trying to rediscover 'Old Dawn'. I spent all that time trying to forgive myself for what I'd done for the express purpose of purging the bad and returning to you as the girl I used to be. But that's impossible. We can't go back in time. I can't undo the things I did, and even if I could ... well ... How do I know I wouldn't have just made the same mistakes again?"

"You mean maybe we weren't meant to last in the first place."

"Were we?"

I sighed and took a deep breath, shaking my head in the negative. "We were a flawed relationship from the beginning. A little too perfect, really. Finishing each other's sentences. Reading each other's minds. Astronomically good sex."

Dawn chuckled at that.

I smiled and continued, "But neither of us was ready to settle down, and I do mean neither of us. I was in too much of a hurry, too anxious for my Happily Ever After, and I counted my chickens before they hatched. You, obviously, felt too young and too trapped by Destiny to feel comfortable. You felt sooo much pressure from your parents, or at least your mom, and it all became too much. I told you over and again that I'd accept you just the way you were, flaws and all, but even I have to admit that I still kinda expected 'Perfect Dawn'. And no matter how hard you tried, nobody can ever live up to perfection."

"And you felt the same pressure I did," Dawn replied. "Had the same expectation of Perfection thrust upon you by everyone in 'The Family', so it was understandable that you might be in a bit of a hurry to get the proverbial monkey off your back. You're Ben, the only boy with seven sisters around you, eight if you include Adrienne. How could you NOT settle down with me and pop out a few kids who would unite our two families together?"

"And I put that pressure back on you." I sighed and shook my head. "I'm so sorry. If I had been a better boyfriend, I would have seen the signs and realized I was pushing you too fast. You'd been my dream girl for so long that I lost sight of the human being behind the expectation of perfection. I'll admit, I'm still bothered that you didn't do more to communicate what was going on inside your head, but at the same time, I realize that I fostered a sense of such high expectations that it must have been rather intimidating to even think of confessing that you weren't ready."

"You didn't do anything wrong."

"Sure I did. Don't go over-romanticizing our relationship. There's a lot I could have done to save it, starting with telling you how much your increasingly extreme sexual desires bothered me before they exploded out of control."

"The DPs. And the TPs." Dawn looked down in shame.

I sighed. "I'm the last person with any right to complain about group sex."

"But they still bothered you. Every time you watched another man take me, take what you saw possessively as 'yours', it bothered you."

Even now it turned my stomach, and she could read it on my face.

"I'm so sorry," she said, reaching out and rubbing my hand. "If it helps, I honestly believe I will go the rest of my life without doing it ever again."

I frowned. "That's none of my business, really. I'm not your boyfriend anymore, and it's not my place to judge you."

"Not what I meant. I'm not obsessed with DPs and TPs. I enjoyed them as sexual highs, not so different than bringing vibrators and handcuffs into the bedroom. Sure, from a sexual perspective I'd like to feel that again, but not at the expense of my partner's happiness. Knowing how you feel, I shouldn't have done it before, and because of that I'll never do it again. The memories of how badly I fucked up my life over trivial pleasures are just too painful."

"But I remember how much of a thrill the physical sensations gave you. Putting aside the way -I- felt about it, you can't deny that the idea of being multiple-penetrated turns you on."

Shaking her head, Dawn said, "I've told you before, there's more to a relationship than orgasms. For as much as a sexual kink might turn me on, the most important thing is the intimate connection to the person I'm with."

"But you'd still like it if your boyfriend let you."

Dawn blinked. "Let me put it to you this way. Think of a girl, a celebrity that neither of us knows, that you'd like to have sex with. Seriously, think of one."

"Excuse me?"

"I'm serious. Think of one."

I shrugged, shook my head, and spouted the first name off the top of my head, "Scarlett Johansson."

Dawn grinned. "Blonde, busty, beautiful. Shoulda known."

"What are you getting at?"

"Imagine having the opportunity to have sex with her. Does the idea turn you on?"

"Sure."

"But let's say that your girlfriend wants you faithfully monogamous. Now I realize that's quite a stretch for you, but hypothetically. If you love your girlfriend, and Scarlett propositions you, what do you do? Do you sleep with Scarlett?"

"If I love my girlfriend, then hell no."

"Even though the idea turns you on?"

"If I love her, I love her. For the rest of my life, through marriage and beyond."

Dawn gestured at me with one hand, palm up. "Then you have your answer. Just because something might turn me on doesn't mean I'll ever have to do it for the rest of my life."

"But if your husband really loves you, he'll accept you and whatever kinky desires you have even if--"

"No," Dawn interrupted. "That's a decision I've made for myself. Because I've had to come to terms with the idea that you and I might not ever get married. I've had to come to the realization that maybe I fucked up any chance you and I will ever have of getting back together, because no matter where our lives take us from here on out, and even if you forgive me for everything, you'll never be able to forget that I cheated on you. You'll never be able to forget that I ruined our perfect relationship. So that means that even though ten, twenty, fifty years from now I'll still WANT to make love to you, if my husband isn't comfortable with it then it's never going to happen. I'll always want to, but that's one aspect he'll never have to 'accept'."

I suddenly felt very cold. Dawn noticed and gave me that look of infinite sadness and regret once again.

"I'm sorry," she said, crossing her arms over her midsection and frowning.

"So that's it, huh?" I shrugged. "End of the line. Not a chance in hell that you and I might ever recapture the magic?"

Dawn blinked, looked down, and sighed. "What do you think?"

My shoulders slumped, and I came to the same realization she had. "Recapturing the magic would mean reviving the old relationship out of its ashes. But we've already talked about how that would never measure up to the relationship already lost. That part of us is history, and should be buried in the past. The marriage proposal when we were kids, our initials carved into the bunk at Morris Camp, and our brief but intense romances along the way ... those are done."

Pursing her lips, Dawn nodded grimly.

"But that doesn't mean we can't build something new. We killed the old relationship, fine. And it would be futile for either of us to try and put it back together. But the magic isn't gone, and you proved it when you woke up in the middle of the night screaming my name."

Dawn blushed and looked down. "Perhaps. I mean, it could have been a coincidence. I've had a lot of nightmares that woke me up in the middle of the night over the past year, many of them centered around you."

"Want to compare notes to see if any of them lined up with crap that happened in my life down here?"

Dawn's eyebrows popped as if she'd never even thought of that, but she immediately averted her gaze and rather nervously bit her lip. "Uh, I think I'd rather not. This whole thing is turning Twilight Zone-y enough as it is."

"Maybe it's not so weird as you might think," I said with a shrug. "People call people on the phone, right as their recipient was about to call them, all the time."

"Sure. Let's pretend that's the same thing," Dawn retorted while rolling her eyes.

"ANY-ways ... Call it what you want, but we're still connected, you and I."

"And I think we always will be, whether we're in a relationship or not," Dawn said with a nod.

"So what does that mean to you?"

Dawn blinked. "What do you mean?"

"I mean that while neither of us can truly describe it, and while modern science can't give us a rational explanation for what happens between you and me, you and I will always be bonded together. I came to a realization while you were gone: that no matter how at peace I might be in my romantic life, and no matter how satisfied I might be with my sex life, there's one aspect of you that no one else in the whole universe can ever replace."

"My best friend," Dawn said with a bittersweet expression on her face. Her eyes unfocused for a bit. "Without you around, there's a ... a--"

"A void," I finished for her, our voices overlapping on the word "a". I continued, intoning, "It's a feeling of emptiness, a sense that something in my life is missing. You are--"

"The Yang to your Yin. The other half of the same kind of relationship we see--"

"I see all the time in Brooke and DJ, or in Brandi and Dayna. And even if--"

"If we are never meant to be married to each other, I can't help but--"

"But believe that we were always meant to be siblings. Always meant to be life partners. For the rest of our lives."

Dawn was crying. And hell, -I- was crying again. Suddenly, Dawn was in my lap again, her arms wrapped around my neck while we buried our faces into each other's shoulder and squeezed a hug so fierce I knew that neither of us could breathe.

"I'm so sorry," Dawn wailed, her whole body trembling as she wept against my shoulder. "I never should have left you. Even though I believe it was best that we let our relationship die, I never should have left you. And maybe I shouldn't leave you now."

"It's okay," I said, stroking her spine and raising my left hand to cradle her head against my shoulder. "It's okay. I actually think it's a good thing that you go back to Morris Camp. In fact, I think it's what you're supposed to do."

"What? After everything we've been through, and knowing what you and I feel right now, how can you say that we're supposed to be apart?"

I took a deep breath, gently swayed our bodies together, and said, "Because you've got to finish what you've started, and because for the first time I'm not worried any longer about you and me finding each other once again. My heart tells me you'll be back, not just physically present but BACK in my life. It doesn't have to happen today. It doesn't even have to happen when you return to school. Someday, you and I will find our balance again. It may not be easy, and it might not even happen next year. But I believe again, because at the very least, being Best Friends with you someday IS my Destiny."

Oh, so we believe in Destiny again now?

Yes we do.

Between me vomiting up all of my emotional turmoil while Dawn comforted me, and the equally emotionally-draining conversation of Dawn and I putting our friendship back together, the two of us were in my room a lot longer than anyone anticipated.

Brooke and DJ had stuck around, choosing to do their studying in my living room instead of going home. I don't know how much actual studying they got done, as it was clear they both had a keen interest in finding out how things had gone once Dawn and I finally got back downstairs.

Equally curious were Sasha and Adrienne, Sasha having woken up and meandered downstairs once she heard me and Dawn talking in the other room. And we'd been talking long enough for Adrienne to come home from her business downtown.

But Dawn and I didn't elaborate on our conversation except to say that we'd put the past behind us and were focusing on rebuilding our friendship. In the meantime, she was still driving back to Camp in the morning.

Nobody pressed us for more details, especially once I asked Adrienne if the girls had told her about Elyse. Adrienne explained that she'd had a good cry of her own with Sasha at the news, but in the end she had mourned the loss of that friendship back in high school, and Elyse's death didn't seem to sting her as much as it did Sasha. For one thing, Sasha had already made a few calls and put in a request with the authorities to handle Elyse's remains and give her a proper funeral should her stepmother be unwilling or indifferent, which seemed somewhat likely. Adrienne said she'd pay the costs.

Thinking of Sasha and Adrienne handling Elyse's remains reminded me of Cameron's remains, and the idea of Amber taking care of her. I realized that I still hadn't even seen Amber since waking up on the floor of Carter's bedroom to find her desperately working to keep me alive. True, I'd only come home last night, but I still thought it odd that she hadn't so much as called since then.

Speaking of calling, I still hadn't called Andie. Yeah, she'd been by the house yesterday along with everyone else, but Sasha confirmed that she hadn't returned or called either, despite having an off-day before Finals as well. And of course, there was Kim still to deal with.

But Amber, Andie, and Kim would have to wait. Satisfied that I'd be alright, Brooke, DJ, and Dawn all prepared to leave. While Brooke and DJ would obviously still be in town, it would probably be our last time seeing Dawn until the end of the summer unless we decided to take a trip to Morris Camp, so everyone took their time saying goodbye to her. And in the end I closed the door, alone once again with the two most important women in my life: Sasha and Adrienne.

I smiled in relief. "Maybe NOW I can relax."

Sasha gave me a weak smile and nodded, still saddened by Elyse's death but eager to move on as well.

Adrienne, on the other hand, twisted her face up and gave me an apologetic look. "Uh, Tiger? We kinda need to talk."

I furrowed my eyebrows and frowned. "Talk about what?"

"I've got a pretty big offer to move back to New York."

Already emotionally drained from everything that had happened to me since last night, I'd simply turned around and walked away from Adrienne. It wasn't that I'd expected her to stay with me forever. She'd made her decision to pursue this career a long time ago, and really I should just be happy she'd been with me for the last few weeks as it was.

But I didn't want to deal with this now. I'd gotten shot and had to deal with my parents' disappointment in me. I'd killed a man, and I'd carry that burden for the rest of my life. I'd found out that Elyse died after all, on top of my failure to rescue Cameron. I'd finally gotten some kind of closure with Dawn. And after all THAT... right when I wanted to just sit down and relax ... Adrienne had to go and tell me she was leaving again?

Fuckit.

Fuckit, fuckit, fuckit.

"Tiger, wait!" Adrienne called after me as I stomped back into the living room and slammed my butt down onto the couch with my arms folded like a petulant child.

I was done. Gone. Finito. I didn't have any emotional energy left. Call me a coward, but at this point all I wanted to do was stick my head under my blanket covers and scream until the world left me the fuck alone.

"Ben..." Adrienne soothed, using my real name and rubbing my leg while my chin jutted forth and I stared at the far wall, doing my best to ignore her. "It's not what you think."

"Not what I think?" I barked as I whirled on her. "I think it's exactly what I think. You're leaving me. AGAIN. Always leaving me. Yeah, you come back every now and again, and I know you try to be here when I really need you. But did you ever stop to think that I'd be much happier if you weren't ALWAYS gone?!? That maybe I'd like you see you day after day instead of just popping in to soothe your conscience every now and again? Huh?"

"I have. And I know you would. But--"

"GAWD, Adrienne!" I cut her off. "Even in my fucking coma dream you were NEVER AROUND! My fantasy future with everyone getting along and everyone finding happiness together and Elyse and Cameron both still alive and yet YOU'RE STILL ALWAYS TRAVELING! Always on the go! Always leaving me behind!"

Sasha frowned, and almost to herself muttered, "Coma dream?"

Adrienne was focused on me. Rolling her eyes, she reached up with two hands, grabbed my jaw from both sides, and locked my face only inches away from hers. Boring those brilliant golden irises right into my eyes, she glared at me and barked, "Will you shut the fuck up?"

My eyelids dropped halfway and I glowered back at her, but I shut up.

"I said I got an offer. I didn't say I was taking it," Adrienne stated matter-of-factly. "And I never said anything about leaving you behind, alright?"

"What's that supposed to mean?"

With a sigh, Adrienne let go of my face and sat up straight. Canting her head to the side, she took a deep breath and explained, "I know you don't pay much attention to the fashion world, but do you know who Taylor Brynn is?"

I blinked and thought about it for a moment before replying, "Uh, yeah. Big time model. She's with that Jonathan Kwong billionaire, right? The Tri-Delts have talked about them."

"Well even though she works for a different agency, we've gotten to be friends ever since I moved to New York. Kind of a mentor, really. The point is: we've kept in touch ever since I moved out here to lay low and get out of the New York tabloids. She knows my agency is still skittish about me, but she talked to some of her people, and she said she could get me a fat new contract if I joined them. That's why I had to go downtown today, to meet with their representatives and discuss the details."

I shrugged. "Well, good for you I guess. Job security is always a nice thing to have. But that would still mean you'd be leaving me."

"Not if you came with me."

I blinked and arched an eyebrow. "Excuse me?"

Adrienne looked over at Sasha. "You too."

Now it was Sasha's turn to blink in surprise. "Excuse me?"

Adrienne sighed. "I really don't want to leave you again. Don't get me wrong, I love modeling and I love the whole lifestyle. It's exciting and full of energy and you already know I'm an attention-whore. But ... being here these last few weeks ... it's shown me so much of what I missed. I miss YOU, Tiger. And ... I guess what I'm saying is ... I won't go back to New York without you."

I blinked twice more, and now both eyebrows were raised. "You want me to move to New York with you?"

"Would you? Now I'm not expecting you to make a snap decision right here and now. I know that five minutes ago the thought of living in Manhattan never even crossed your mind. But ... well ... think about it. You're about to graduate, but you don't currently have a job lined up. You'll probably have to do a job search, and there are plenty of opportunities for a guy with your grades and skills in New York." Adrienne turned and looked at Sasha. "You too."

"But I have a job lined up in San Francisco," Sasha replied.

Adrienne shrugged. "It's just an idea. I don't know how attached you are to that specific job, or if it's more important that you get 'a' job and start generating income that doesn't come from dancing on stage. If you moved with us, you wouldn't have to worry about rent or expenses or crap like that until you found a job. I've got plenty of money to cover that."

Sasha furrowed her eyebrows and mused on that. "Huh..."

"As for you, Tiger," Adrienne said as she turned back to me. "I thought you might be interested in a fresh start. A chance to get away from everything and begin anew. A lot of shit has happened to you here. Dawn, DJ, Elyse, Cameron: there are plenty of bad memories to escape from. We can wipe the slate clean and put all that crap in the rear view mirror."

"It's not all crap. Brooke and DJ are still here, and Dawn will be re-enrolling in the fall. Our parents are just a few hours' drive away."

"And everyone will be a few hours flight away. Look at me: of COURSE we're still going to visit our family."

"I still have Kim to think about."

Adrienne took a deep breath. "I know," she said with a nod. "And you have to do what's right for your child. But the possibility still exists that her father won't let you near her. And if that's the case, is there really anything else keeping you here? Alternatively, if you can convince Kim to come with you, she and the baby can move to New York as well."

"Seriously?"

"I know it sounds crazy, the whole idea of picking up your life and moving on, but it's an idea."

"I get it, I get it. It's just a lot to think about right now."

"Well I'm in no rush. They'll want an answer, but I've got time."

Sasha piped up, "And what about Andie?"

I sighed and looked at Adrienne. "She's still got a year of school left."

Adrienne gave me a serious look. "Then you'll have to decide just how important she really is to you, I mean really decide and not just keep ... stringing her along the way you've been doing."

"I haven't been..." I began before a withering look from Adrienne made me trail off. "Okay maybe I have."

"If you're worried about jobs, don't forget that Jonathan Kwong owns a pretty important company. We've got connections."

"I know I can find 'a' job pretty much anywhere."

"And did I mention that Taylor has lots of model friends who'd love to discover the Big Ben Experience?"

"Adrienne..." I groaned while darting a glance at Sasha.

"What?" Adrienne grinned at Sasha and added, "A lot of them are bisexual, too, and you wouldn't believe what Taylor can do with her tongue."

Sasha blushed and looked down at her own lap nervously.

I sighed. "You're trying to convince us to go because it's what YOU want. This is Adrienne getting her cake and eating it too, keeping her modeling career AND bringing Ben along so she won't feel so guilty about abandoning him."

"Tiger, I..." Adrienne began before MY withering look made her trail off. "Okay maybe. But just because it would be the best of both worlds for me doesn't invalidate moving as an option. I KNOW you're considering it."

I sighed and reclined against the couch while letting my head loll over the backrest. Staring at the ceiling, I took another deep breath and muttered, "Well it DOES sound quite appealing."

"Think about it," Adrienne encouraged. "But take your time. I know a heckuva lot of stuff has just happened to you, and you'll need to process it all before making any kind of decision. Plus, Finals start in two days, and you haven't actually graduated yet."

"Ugh, don't remind me."

"But think about it. After graduation: you, me, Sasha, and maybe even Kim ... together in New York and all putting our ugly pasts behind us."

I looked at Sasha, who shrugged and nodded silently. I nodded too and looked back at Adrienne, replying, "Maybe I could use a fresh start."