17. Decision of Returning

It was late afternoon, I opened the window facing the balcony and looked north.

In this country, there is a saying that everyone who is far from home knows by heart: "When you miss someone, look to the North. When you're attached to someone, go to the North. When being hurt by someone, return to the North. When you sleep, you will lie down in the North."

A Kingdom where the word "North" is sacred, a place where dust turns into people, and from people back to dust.

Ironically, the people of this land are trampling on that precious substance, reddening it with flesh and blood, of crazy human-skinned demons that cannot be saved.

"The North... I take it as you're having something in mind? I too often recall, daydreaming, the afterimage of the girl I told you about. It would be romantic if this moment, the one girl I've been looking for so long, was watching us from the far North."

S hugged me from behind.

Is she really in love with such a lunatic, or is she just trying to take advantage of what little value is left of me?

I'm not sure…

Only know that she gave her virginity, that is, an oath, a promise that can't be reversed.

I have to carry within me a huge treasure for her to sacrifice her virginity to get.

But first of all, the only concern now is to go back to the house I hate to the bone.

Or rather, back to the search for the truth that I've been running away from.

A second time.

Even myself can't accept how unclear I am of my goal.

Forgive me, mother.

I can't just run away forever, endure this miserable agony for eternity. I almost died once, and lost my life another time.

However, He, the God still gave me another chance to live.

How cruel, O Almighty, why would you test the mind of someone who doesn't want to get up, drive him to the human-cage, where he should be, and put your hand down there for him to take.

I hate myself, I hate the weak reason, the human personality that has long crumbled.

But I still tried to hold on to those crumbs, they stabbed into my hands, bleeding drops of the blood of finite endurance that was running out.

"S, I want to believe. But perhaps of all the thousands of emotions this life brings, none is as complicated as yours. Regardless of whether that's the problem, I cherish every act of you, every decision that unintentionally or intentionally turns you into a spiritual support that someone who has long been blind, deep in consciousness feels. I didn't ask for anything more, just wanted to be able to entrust the new recruits to your care. As for me… I'll be back home. And guess what, they're probably waiting for such return, not for me but for the little benefit I can bring. I will return to face the truth, no matter what the cost."

I hit my head sideways, grabbed S's hands and held it for a while, then quietly walked away.

Outside, Lair saw me and quickly turned around, pretending not to notice or know anything.

How much she heard, I don't care anymore, kept walking along the long corridor.

I feel… guilty.

Guilty to them, but that can't change a thing.

Lair, does she understand the pain I'm going through, when this selfish person, myself, can't understand and sympathize with her.

Our future is still long, but it is a lifetime that no one knows, I can't keep dragging her into the days that drag on forever, dragging in the gray that can't be escaped.

Her small hand held each of my fingers, her eyes filled with tears.

In the distance, S nodded slightly, gesturing as if silently telling me to go.

Holding her in my arms, I rubbed her back.

"It's okay, I'm still alive, you don't have to worry. It's hard for me to die, because you people don't want me to die anyway. So rest assured. However, I just realized…"

"Realized? What do you mean?"

Just then S walked over and placed a kiss on this guy's pathetic face, a goodbye kiss.