Can I Still Redeem Myself?

In the quiet shadows of society, loneliness weaves its insidious web, a silent predator that preys on the hearts of many. It's a chilling reality in our very nature, humans crave connection, the touch of another soul to stave off the growing void inside

Without this daily human interaction, we don't perish of course but it's sort of like poison, a slow corruption of the spirit that often goes unnoticed until it's too late. Minds are like delicate glass, they slowly begin to crack and warp under the weight of isolation

The victims of loneliness are commonly young adults and old people, whose days echo the silence of empty rooms. I, too, felt victim to it during my time at a programming university

Even though I was surrounded by faces, I lived in this deafening silent 

I existed in solitude, my days a monotonous rhythm of solitary meals, solitary study sessions, and solitary moments. I spoke to people, but the silence never broke

The result? This silence created something inhuman

…

"15 dollars for a dime bag? Come on now that's a bit too much right? Our last plug gave it for much cheaper" A kid told me 

"Yeah good for him, I don't go lower than 15, nowadays is quite hard to transport the green kid, so either take it or leave it, I have many other customers waiting for me!" 

"Alright dude I will pay" The kid said as he hastily pulled out a twenty-dollar bill

"You have change right?" 

"I won't need to, you owe me 5$ remember? I once took your friends by car to the one club and then brought you back to the campus, do you think all this gas spent was free? With the prices of the gas growing I can't be wasting gas can I?" 

"Come on now man! Don't be an asshole! Give me my change!" 

As soon as the kid tried to take the dollar bill from me I punched him in the face

"Hands off little shit, I'm not like the idiots you hung around! One hand on me and I will kill you!" 

The kid cowardly picked up the bag and ran away, he looked mad so I expect him to jump me with his friends next time we meet, that's fine though, next time I will bring an iron fist

RING RING

"Who is it?" 

"What the fuck do you think you are doing?"

"I said who is it?"

The line then started to ring, they hung up

I don't know who was it but they must have gotten the wrong number after all it was a voice I didn't recognize 

"Good morning to everyone hearing this and welcome to 25 news! Today we will discuss the high increase in overdose rates in the area of Astronova, we are here with Detective Conan to discuss the issue! Can you tell us something about the current...."

I guess we are on the radio now huh, I can't stand hearing about this on the news so I think the car ride will be better with the radio closed 

After a short car ride, I arrived at the meeting point, I'm meeting up with the guy who gave me the drugs for distribution

"Did you sell it all?" He asked me

"Yeah we made 250$ from all the sales"

"Nice one Elias but make sure you don't get caught up in the territory of big gangs, I'm not big enough to try and mess with the big names like Kenny or Homer, these two guys are beasts so if you hear their names around the area you are dealing leave immediately"

After his warning, we split up and I went back home, it was early so I didn't have anything to do, after all, I sleep during the day...

…

Sometimes I feel like I need to quit doing what I do, it pays the bills I couldn't pay otherwise but it's tiresome, if I told my mom that my job is to sell illegal substances to random guys which slowly kill them she would probably hate me

My mother sent me to university so I could make something of myself but I have nothing to prove for all the money she spent on me, I did graduate with a degree but not long ago I was fired from my job because of the fall off of the company due to drug dealing charges, ironic right?

After being fired I couldn't find a job, the rent was due and I couldn't ask my mom for more money, my father had died recently so she had to burry him, surprisingly a funeral is expensive

I didn't get to go to the funeral "I can't come due to work, I will get promoted to a high position if I do this one job" That's the lie I said to my mother so I didn't leave Astronova, the reason I lied was because I got addicted to green and crack, I was too absorbed by the drugs to leave

And of course, after I said that she never spoke to me and stopped sending me money so the only thing I could do was become a dealer, I heard they made a lot of money so I took the risk and became one, I sure have money to make it through the month but I can't put up with this lifestyle

 It destroys me from the inside, I can't tell dinner from breakfast, I can't tell good from bad, and I can't tell if I'm a human or not, probably not

No human would have abandoned his family for his own sake, that's why I hate myself more than anything 

It is human nature to hate the man whom you have hurt.

-Tacitus

It's night already... Might as well go out, since it's empty I will finally be able to relax...

I slowly walked into this silent city that comforted me and my shitty mind, while walking I passed in front of a boxing gym, it's Monday today, isn't it? I forgot to come to my lesson... Is it the fifth time or the sixth? I can't tell anymore, I have lost counting

While thinking I was about to light up a cigarette but I was already smoking one, after every passing day I forget more and more, I forget if I have slept, I forget if I have bathed or not, and I forget if I ate something or not

Somedays I wonder, if I forgot to breathe would I be reminded before dying?

"Hey, you! You are Elias aren't you?" A man dressed in black asked me 

He was standing behind me

"Yeah, who is that?"

Suddenly the man pulled a gun and aimed it at my face

Everything froze for a moment, the traffic lights, the bugs flying, the stars, everything became stationary 

"So that's how the rat that has been selling in our territory looks like" The man said as he started walking toward me

I feel like I'm out of breath, did I finally forget to breathe? Can I finally stop existing?

Suddenly the man hit my head with the gun

"I'm talking to you, you little shit!" The man yelled intensively 

I started breathing again

"I'm sorry! I didn't know!" I said as I lowered my head

The man then kicked my head and then started kicking me over and over 

"Do you know who I work for? I work for Kenny, K E N N Y, do you know who the hell he is? We will skin you alive kid, you hear me? WE WILL KILL YOU!" 

"Stop that! Idiot..." Another man said as he stopped the guy from kicking me

The man who stopped the armed guy picked up my cigarette and burned the top of my palm

"You heard my friend, right? Normally a bullet would have already been in your brains but I'm not as barbaric as my friend, meaning I use my brain a bit, follow us, and get in the car"

The man said as he took the armed guy and walked away

"Get up! Oh! And if you try something while we are in the car you will wish we killed you here" 

Leaving me no other option I got into the car that was parked in front of me and I was taken somewhere unknown 

He said he wouldn't kill me...

Suddenly one of the men put a mask over my face so I couldn't see anything for a while and then after what felt like half an hour he took off my mask and I was blinded by a light that was projected at me

In front of me, I could tell that it was a man dressed in a suit

"Wakey, wakey my friend I heard you were dealing in my area, I'm aware my friends informed you about what we do to rats like you! But I figured that an example would help! GUYS BRING HIM HERE!" The man in a suit said and with the snap of his fingers the two guys from before brought a man in the same mask as mine

"So just for all of us to be on the same page I must introduce myself! I'm Kenny, that's how the people in this "industry" know me as, and this fella with the mask is one of the rats I spotted in my city"

After Kenny took off the mask from the man I was left speechless... It was John the guy that provided me with the drugs 

"You idiot! Why didn't you look at the messages I sent you? You could have been saved!" John told me as he was crying

I'm starting to get scared now...

"See I don't know what you have been told but I'm not such a bad guy..." 

BANG

He...shot...Him... 

"Come on now don't go throwing up on my carpet..." Kenny said as he made a sound of disgust 

"Why, why did you shoot him?"

"He was in the way! I wanted to ask you for a favor! You know near your area there is a drug rehabilitation center, and everybody knows that there isn't a better customer than druggies who want to recover, so what do you say? Can you lend me a hand or are you going to be in the way too?" Kenny asked me as he smiled at my face

"You want me to..."

"I need you to sell my drugs to recovering druggies, I can't be more precise" Kenny told me 

"I don't want to die..." I mumbled

"Then help me, Elias"

To prefer evil to good is not in human nature; and when a man is compelled to choose one of two evils, no one will choose the greater when he might have the less.

-Plato

Days have passed and I'm officially a member of Kenny's squad in Astronova currently I'm in the building and attending one of the meetings they commonly do

In there many people look like total wastes of oxygen and some look D E T E R M I N E D to change but one particular person made me almost vomit

It was a young girl, maybe a teenager, she looked way too young to be here and she hadn't said anything yet

"Elias wasn't it? Tell us about your story!" Our helper asked me

"I am here to recover from my addiction of course, the problem started when I finished college I was making more money than I needed so I blew it all on drugs and when I got fired I continued this toxic trait until I stopped for a week or so after the drugs made me miss my father's funeral after some years I got addicted to this new product that has been going around these days it's very high quality so it made me feel like I was at heaven but since I know how bad it is for me I tried to make myself stop by coming here"

The first part of the story was true and the second was half-true, the reality is that I have started taking some of Kenny's drugs but the part about the quality is false, there is no such thing as a good quality drug

The section was held for a bit more and then our helper gave us a 15-minute break

I can't do this... I can't destroy any more lives than I have already have, GOD if he exists gave me a life and I threw it away

I'm bad enough as it is, I shouldn't made things worse

Without realizing it I ended up on the roof, I guess my body was telling me to die, I have been wanting this to happen for a long time but I never dared to do it

After all, I'm a low-life lifeform, so pathetic I can't even take my own life even if I want to 

"What are you doing at the edge of the building?" 

It's the girl in the rehabilitation... wait is she holding a camera? What's going on?

"Why are you recording me?"

"Why do you want to throw your life away? Your life is a gift from GOD! You can't just kill yourself, GOD will send you to hell if you do it..."

I feel like she is making fun of me

"This is not a game kid!" I told her

"Who are you calling a kid? I'm 19!" 

"That's basically a kid!" 

"No it's not! I can drive, drink, and even marry! A kid can't do that!" 

What the hell are we even saying?

"Anyway, how old are you anyway? Just because you have a beard I can't tell if you are 25 or 17!" The girl asked me as she closely inspected my face

"I'm 23" 

"WHAT? AND YOU ARE CALLING ME A KID? YOU ARE ONLY 4 YEARS OLDER!" She madly told me

"Okay and? You haven't gone through anything hard in life, I can tell!" 

She didn't seem insulted after I told her that

"I know! That's why you are the hero of my documentary and not me!" 

"Docume... What the hell are you saying?"

"You see my long life dream was to film a movie but since that needs money and resources I decided to film a documentary and what's better than a drug addict's road to redemption?"

"I never agreed to be in your mov..."

"DOCUMENTARY" She said interrupting me

"Okay whatever I don't consent"

"Oh really? That's sad! I already had the opening sequence ready too!" 

While saying that she showed me footage of me beating up the kid who wanted to buy weed from me some time ago, that was outside of the college I went to, don't tell me back then she saw me...

I think I got myself into a really bad situation