Chapter Six

I look at anything but him. The trees and bushes all blurring into a smudge of green on the gray canvas that is the road. A dead rabbit on the hard shoulder, it's bloody guts spilled out onto the tarmac. Red clots of bloodstained flesh and fur all clumped together. Is that what happened to mum? Is that how she died?

"How did she die?" I ask, not meeting his eyes.

Dad looks over at me, examining me as though I'm one of his patients. "Cancer." He replies.

Cancer? I assumed, I thought that... They knew she was dying and didn't even tell me? Cancer slowly sucks the life out of you, it doesn't happen overnight. It chills me to my very bones that my mother was slipping away and meanwhile I was at Oak Grove, falling head over heels for a boy. Well, maybe not head over heels... That's not even relevant now, why is he even coming to mind at a time like this? I really am sick in the head.

Cancer. My mum had cancer. I guess I assumed it was an accident or something based on dad's cut on his head, I wonder what it was from...

"Say something, then." He growls.

"I have nothing to say to you."

"Oh quit the innocent act you self-centred little bitch. You are a vicious person who needs to be fixed." He spits out.

"Fixed? I'm not an object, dad! I'm your daughter! I just want - I don't know, a parent who loves me? Is that too much to ask for?" I shout at him.

"Yes, it is. How could anybody love someone like you. And never, ever call me dad again. I want no association with you."

"Then why are you taking me home? Why did you cover for me all these years, dad?"

"Just shut up, will you? I'm done with you. Your mum refused to disown you even after all this. But I'm finally able to do it now."

"And you think I'm sick in the head! You waited until mum died to seize the opportunity to go against her will and disown me!"

"Quit whining." He snaps, his knuckles whitening as he grips the wheel.

"I'm not. But I don't believe you."

"About what? You sound deranged, you know that, right?"

"What about your head? How did that happen if it wasn't a crash or something?"

"I fell."

"Didn't you put your hands out to protect yourself?"

"Quit interrogating me, will you?"

Back to staring out the window it is. I still can't get my head around the idea that my mum was ill. She knew that she was dying and she didn't even tell me. But the worst thing about all of this is that she died hating me. I can never change how she feels about me, I can't make things right with her. It's too late. My mum has died. My mum is dead.

*

Home. That's what this should be to me. But it's not. It's four sturdy walls with a roof plonked on top. My real home is back in Northampton; not here in Oxford. They didn't even paint my room before carting me off to Oak Grove. I run up the stairs to my room, but am met with what looks like a study. Dad calls, "You're on the sofa. You don't need your own room if you're only here for holidays." Sighing, I stomp back downstairs and dump my suitcase on the floor by the sofa. My phone lights up with a text from an unknown number.

Unknown: Hey, it's Zack. Chloe gave me your number, just checking you're ok?

Me: Aww, hi. That's sweet of you, I'm fine thanks

Unknown: What, just as fine as you told me you were earlier? You don't have to pretend that everything's fine all the time

Me: Thanks, but everything in my life is so complicated. If you knew what I'm really like then you wouldn't talk to me, you'd run away

Unknown: Everyone makes mistakes... me included

Me: It depends on what you class as a "mistake"

Unknown: Stop pushing me away, Jess, I like you, ok?

Me: Really?

Unknown: Of course I do! You're like the sweetest person ever but don't seem to realize it.

Me: You shouldn't get involved with me.

Unknown: You're worth the risk, please Jess, I really, seriously like you.

Me: No. So much is going round my head and you're asking for me to be... your girlfriend?!

Unknown: I'm sorry, just please think about it when you're up to it.

*

That night my dreams are tainted with strangely vivid memories of me and Freya.

It's the final day before summer and Freya and I walk in hand-in-hand, arms swinging playfully.

Then time fast forwards and it's break time. I spot Freya on the playground playing a game of tag with some other girls and run over to her. "Freya!" I call, "Can I join?" But the weirdest thing happens. She turns and runs the other way, completely blanking me. I figure it must be a joke and call her again. "Freyyyyaaaaaa!" I shout, waving my arms overhead. She doesn't even turn back. Mia runs over, mane of hair flowing behind her and her cheeks flushed. "God, Jess, what a baby! We're joining secondary school and you still tag along with Freya like a little sheep? Loser!" She laughs. Everyone joins in and I can't even see Freya anymore. Loser. Loser. Loser. It's just an echo and all I can hear. I fight it, but I can only hear their words. Loser. Loser. Loser.