I wish that was me

Burt

"Babe..."

I woke to Michelle's voice, her hand softly shaking my shoulder. I grabbed her, flipped myself over and pinned her beneath me, making her yelp. She immediately shushed me even if she was the one who had made the noise.

"Shh," I shushed her back and kissed her.

She pushed my face away. "Babe, Steve's here."

I froze. Then, in a flash, I got up and ran out of the room.

Steve was sitting in our kitchen, eating... cereal. I looked at the clock. It was four in the morning.

"Hey, man," Steve smiled at me.

I walked over to him and poked him with my hand. It was really him. I punched his arm, making him flinch away from me, looking at me like, WTF. I punched him again and knelt on the floor and hugged him.

"I'm happy to see you, too," I heard Steve chuckle.

"You jerk," I exhaled, sharply. I got up and sank into the next chair. I stared at him. He was still wearing the clothes he wore last Monday. "Where were you, you son of a bitch."

"Would you believe I drove all the way North?" he smacked his lips. "It took me twelve hours, but I found a highway back that cuts the drive to 8."

"You've been driving 8 hours?" I frowned at him. "Did you see the mountain?"

"No!" He exclaimed. "That's what I was wondering, I must have passed it! So I'm going back soon as I make sure you're okay, because obviously I must see it."

Michelle walked into the kitchen and handed me a t-shirt. I looked down at myself and realized I was only in boxers. I pulled the shirt over my head.

"Steve, do you want coffee?" Michelle asked. "Burt always has coffee in the morning, you might want one too?"

"That'd be great, love," Steve smiled sweetly at my wife, then at me. "How's LJ?"

"Healing," Burt said. "It's his birthday today."

"I know," he replied. "I already got him something."

I changed the subject back to the one we were having before Michelle came in. "What do you mean soon as you make sure I'm okay?" I asked. "Why am I not okay?" He was chewing, so he didn't reply right away. "_You_ are the one who's not okay and you're not going anywhere."

Steve finally swallowed. "I saw the news," he said. "Well, one report said you were in jail. Then, another said you demanded a subpoena."

"Another one said I was the one who had sex with a supermodel in a club," I said.

"I knew that wasn't true, a supermodel wouldn't look at you twice," he shrugged.

Michelle turned to us. "Hey," she barked. "Burt could have sex with any supermodel he wanted."

"Is this a trick?" I asked her as she and Steve laughed.

"Try it and you'll die," she blew me a kiss and turned the coffee maker on.

"What happens next?" Steve asked me, suddenly serious.

"The police said the lady might drop the charges, because I have evidence that I didn't touch her," I said.

"I also read that she said she won't drop the charges because your evidence was fake," Steve interrupted me.

"You read a lot of things, man," I took a deep breath.

"Yeah." He opened his phone and swiped his finger over it. "You know when the news says a typhoon is devastating your hometown and you call home and your mom says it's only raining a little bit there?" He handed me his phone. Wow, I'm trending.

"Don't look at that garbage," Michelle snatched Steve's phone from me and handed it back to him, then set a cup of coffee in front of him. "You know better to believe all that, Stevie."

"Thanks, love," he said, reaching for the cream and sugar. He stared at the sugar he was measuring out with a teaspoon. "I do know better, but if you're far away and have no idea what's going on and suddenly, you find out that your best friend is a sex offender and going to jail..."

"I'm so touched," I blinked at him and took a sip of coffee. I watched Michelle walk back to our bedroom and heard her shut the door.

"You should be," Steve nodded. "I didn't want to come back, but you made me panic, man."

"Why didn't you want to come back? Like, did you plan to never come back?"

Steve stirred his coffee and watched the creamer swirl around. He was finally serious. I knew that look on his face, it was genuine, no-bullshit Steve. I watched him place the spoon down on the table, and put the cup to his lips. He blew on it a little and took a sip.

"You don't have to answer that," I said.

He looked at me, then. I knew that look, too. He took a deep breath and looked at his coffee again. "When I found out that Chastity killed herself, you know the first thing that came to mind? I thought, I wish that was me."

I watched him take a longer drink of his coffee. He looked at me again. "I get it," I said. Because what else can I say? And anyway, I think, out of the five of us, I would be the one who really gets it. "Do you want me to help you look for the mountain?"

His face widened into a smile. "Really? Burt, you're the best," he looked genuinely grateful. Then it vanished in the next second as he smirked. "Even if you are a sex offender..."

I picked up the tea towel on the table and chucked it at his laughing head.