Fluid

Jamie

I stayed three steps behind LJ and Steve, who had his arms around the kid, as we walked through the hallways of our building. Various artists and staff stopped to greet us as we walked past. Steve was feeling cheery today and enthusiastically greeted everyone back. LJ had his Rock Star on and merely nodded at people. I smiled when I could, though I kept my head down.

LJ needs to stop wearing those Vans. I will throw them out the next time I'm at his place and he's not looking.

"Hey, Bros Next Door! Jeez, lookit that, that's what I'm saying, gender fluidity is in these days."

"And fuck you too, Matt," Steve responded, good naturedly.

"Hey Matt," both LJ and I greeted him, mainly because he was older than us, and has been a talk show host almost as long as he was a part of Code Red. Matt kissed his fingers and blew them at us in full signature Matt-drag. He blinked his eyes at us for good measure. We all had to laugh, it was hilarious.

Code Red is known for its members' crazy personalities as much as for their music, something we wish we could have but our concept just wouldn't let us. I guess because there's so many of them and since they're not all good looking, those who aren't Rob or Alex have to rely on their ability to make people laugh to keep their fans.

Wait, I'm not saying we're all good looking Next Door. Though yes, that's exactly what I'm saying. But also, there's only five of us and twelve of them in Code Red. I suspect if we also had twelve members, there would have to be around three who couldn't dance, three who couldn't sing so well by himself, seven who need to stay longer in the make up chair.

Matt was actually good looking, though not as obviously handsome as Rob and Alex, especially when he was younger and hadn't started popping drugs yet. He was really pretty, and they would always try to get him to cross dress, because he could give Goddess Athena a run for their money when he put on makeup. No, wait, Pink Satin. No wait, Peach Fuzz. Ah yes. Matt was prettier than everyone in Peach Fuzz. He had way better skin, too.

(They would also try to get LJ to cross dress, but honestly, as handsome as LJ was, LJ wasn't as pretty as Matt.)

So anyway, when Matt did stuff like that, even though he isn't as pretty as he used to be, he does it exactly like a girl would do it and you might believe the illusion for a moment, he was so good at it. So when he was teasing LJ and Steve for being gender fluid, he was coming from being called that himself. And Matt didn't care about whether people thought he was gay or not. If it works, why fix it?

I watched Steve and LJ walk comfortably with Steve's arms around LJ. The real reason why LJ did Rock Star was he hated it when people said he wasn't manly enough. He hated that he was the Baby Next Door. Well, he was, but that's not the point. He hated that people would say he was just a pretty boy, and he hated it that people assumed he was gay.

When he found the courage to ask Rory on a date, she had laughed and apologized, "I'm so sorry, LJ, you caught me by surprise, I thought you guys were gay." He was so humiliated that he walked out on her next sentence and didn't speak to her for a few months.

"Hate" is a strong word, but it's the exact word to describe LJ's feelings. I totally get this, we all do. He was too young when he became an instant celebrity on the basis of his baby face and his amazing dance skills. But what can you do? Firstly, dancing is a girl's thing. Secondly, we were too pretty, prettier than the average girl. It feels inevitable that when you're a teenaged male singer with a pretty face and a pubescent body that moves like you don't have a skeleton, people are going to think you're gay. It was said of all of us, but it was mostly what they said about LJ, never mind if he didn't act gay the way Matt did. It's just public opinion. It's just how the world works.

—

I still remember that night clearly, that night when we discovered how angry LJ could get.

"Did she mean all of us?" Mark asked, incredulously. Steve reached over and punched Mark in the back, causing him to yelp and try to punch him back, but Steve caught the punch and pushed him away.

We were drinking in LJ and Steve's dorm room that night, a bottle of Jack rationed out in plastic cups. We were kids back then, still babies who couldn't hold our liquor, so we likely couldn't finish an entire bottle during those days. One bottle wouldn't be enough now.

"We fucking should never have fucking agreed to wear fucking skirts," LJ was slurring. Back then, he got drunk the fastest, which was not the case today.

"We didn't have a choice, though," I patted his shoulder. "It's like a rite of passage."

"Fucking Matt and fucking Andre and fucking Code Red should never have agreed to wear fucking skirts and make life miserable for the fucking rest of us," LJ pounded his plastic cup on the table in front of the whiskey bottle. Burt reluctantly poured him a shot.

"I don't think that's why she thinks we're gay, though," I offered.

"People think you're fucking gay because you and Steve keep touching each other," LJ said bitterly before gulping his drink in one swallow.

"Okay, kid, you've had enough," Steve swiped the cup from his fingers. "Everyone, back to your rooms, we're done for the night."

LJ grabbed the cup in Mark's hand and pounded it on the table in front of the whiskey bottle again. Burt took the bottle of Jack and closed the cap, standing up and stepping back from us as he did so. Mark swiped the cup back from LJ and took all of our cups as well.

"Guys, just one more fucking drink! Fuck!" LJ banged his fists on the table and kicked it upwards with his knees.

"That's enough, kid," Burt said.

"No, J, go jump in the shower and get your homophobia out of your ass," Mark said at the same time.

"You guys suck!" LJ shouted and pushed everything off the table, making a mess of the plates of food and forks and plastic containers. I grabbed him, pinning his arms down to his sides and held him with all my strength so that he would stop his tantrum.

"You guys really suck! Fuck you all!" LJ kept yelling, squirming hard against me, trying to escape. Steve and Mark enveloped us in a bear hug as well, knowing I wasn't strong enough to contain LJ. He continued to yell for a while, and I don't know when his anger turned into tears; at some point, his body became limp and he was bawling.

"I'm sorry," LJ was saying instead, as he wept. "I'm so sorry."

"It's okay, kid," I said softly into his ear, patting his shoulder as I continued to hold him. "It's okay."