My Wonder Woman

Strength.

That's the thing I learned from my friend. A friend that my heart is longing. I miss her smiles, her jokes, her advice, her face, her laughter. I miss everything about her.

Is she dead?

Yes.

Why?

It's because I consumed her strength.

When I was in college, I am a lonely shy girl. But a short bold lady asked me to be her friend. I was so happy when we became buddies-- tighter than tight.

I, as a weak girl, is always attacked by my heart disease. Every time I walk, I climb stairs or even just sitting, my breathing gets heavy. I hate medical assistance. Gladly, my friend Jee is always there to assist me.

When I was delivered to the hospital, she took good care of me. When I am being attacked, she ran to buy water. When my body starts to numb, she caringly massaged my palms. Having her by my side is like having a mother.

Every time I feel depressed, I cry on her shoulder. When I am wronged, I rant on her. When I need to relax, she dates me. If my day is gloomy, she shares funny stories that she heard from her uncles. If I forgot my medicine, she scolds me.

To me, she is wonder woman. Suddenly, in stormy noon, she left me. According to the witness, she passed the street with a flying mind. She kept walking even the street light is red. Thus, it's indeed a suicide.

I cannot believe it. She is happy yesterday, why would she?

Days later, I opened the notebook her parents gave me. Her last message broke my heart.

" Dear Jenjen,

When you read this, I am already somewhere watching over you. Sorry for leaving but I lost all my strength. I bet you will hate me but it's really how I feel.

At first, I am glad to be your refuge. But as days go by, I am disliking it. Why? It's because it gives me fear. Every day I lost nano piece of my strength.

Most of the time, you are sad and mad. You even wish to die while every day I strive harder to make you happy, to make you like living, and to share positivity. But at the end of the day, I failed to fulfill any of my goals. Because, the next day, I will restart my program... No progress at all.

It is also hard that every time your disease attack, you refused health care. Do you know how worried was I? Every time I lay my hands to assist, I am afraid. Afraid that instead of helping you, one mistake, I might kill you.

Do you know why I gather funny stories? It is because I want to have a happy pill when you're sad. But as years go by, I found it distressing. Every night before going to bed, I always planned how I will treat you the next day. I am very careful. Why? I am scared to trigger you... To trigger your disease. I am scared to be the reason for your stress.

The more I wanted to make you happy, the more my fear grows. And this time, the fear grows stronger than my strength. I wake up afraid to fail in making you happy. I talk afraid to make you sad. Everything I do there is fear. I wanted to break free.

Jenjen, I am not telling these to give you guilt. As my last wish, before I die, I want to be a true friend by being honest, that is why.

Jenjen, strive to live even without me. If you're guilty, to make me rest in peace have new friends, be strong, and be happy within. If you can still live, fight for your life. Be positive and when you visit my tomb, wear a smile. "

Her letter brought me tears and regret. Tears and regret for I were too busy seeking refuge. I am too blind to see her through. I am dumb not to realize that she needs comfort too. I keep leaning, I lean and lean until her backbone broke.

I am too busy healing my wounds. Hypocrite! I ain't healing them. I am cutting it deeper with my black mind. I didn't let her cure heal it, that's why she got exhausted curing me. She strived hard to patch my cuts but I strived harder to bleed it.

Jeejee, my wonder woman, I know it's late but I will be strong. I will rebuild my fragile strength. I don't deserve it but let me mourn for you.

From this day onwards, when I get sick, I will go for medical assistance. If I am sad, I will think positive. If I failed, I will strive to rise. I will be strong. I will be my own wonder woman.

One day, we will fly together. When that time comes, no need to be my clown. I will lean on you and you will lean on me.