Unspoken

Unspoken.

There were a lot of words that were left unspoken, words that should be expressed. However, there were words that must not be said but were spoken. I regret it, I hope boldness was born with me so that before she left, I have said a thousand times that I love her, I always do.

Our family lives hundreds of kilometers away from her. It took us hours of riding an automobile, and along the way, we battle up with a hot atmosphere. But, as we see her face, the jetlag is nothing as our hearts were filled with energy and joy.

She was kind to us, treated us with gentleness, and welcome us with joy in her eyes. She was always too happy to see us and during special holidays, she calls us to visit her for she missed us. Her voice was soft like an angel. She has strong teeth for she can still chew beetle nuts even in her mid 70's. The amazing thing is, her breath is as fragrance as the newborn's whiff, she doesn't even take a brush in that case.

Every time I see her all I have shown her were smiles, but I wish I have done more. I wish I spend time talking with her. A talk that was heartfelt. A talk that she can boast about her past and I will be her good listener. A talk that we can share touches of laughter and tears. However, I am overpowered by my shyness. A despicable inappropriate feeling.

I always thought that I always have next time and my favorite line was, "maybe next year. When my age adds up, my confidence will grow and I will be able to talk to her." However, this line was overused and now unused.

Then one day I and my family were left in a daze. I am not prepared yet but nothing can be changed, even if I will kneel all night, cry all day, and plea until I became voiceless. I stood firmed outside, unbend but my heart is bloodstained.

Without tears flowing we prepared for her funeral. Entertained visitors with a smile as we offer them coffee and biscuits. But like the lines formed during the feast meal, our nerves send pain message successively, overflooding our body.

And when it was time to put her into her small cemented house where only she can fit, the tears that we surpassed for several days burst. At that time, I truly realized that she went to travel to another world and that I have no chance to speak to her, to date her, and to hug her.

I was wrong to be shy, very wrong I was, especially that I used that shyness to the wrong person, to the person who should I love confidently. I should have kidded with her just like how I am too jolly to bond with my friends. I should have made her coffee as sweet as the tea I drank at the coffee shop. I should have slept with her as I was delighted to sleep with my sisters. I have so many I should but I was too late.

Right now, all I can do are to hope that she is happy where ever she is, to pray that Heaven is embracing her in Its soft clouds, and to talk with her by whispering in the wind.

Grandma,

Now I am treating my other grandma with a little dust of foolishness combined well with a cup of sweetness. I am now confidently loving my beloved bloodlines. I am apologetic for not being a good grandchild.

I also follow your advice not to be overkind, not to be killed by hatred, and to be a good believer. But what I really wanted to tell you is...

I love you, lola.

Finally, it was spoken and was delivered by the wind, printed by mobile and candled with a prayer.

I hope while I was writing this short story you are reading invisibly behind me and together smiling with me. I'm sweet, right? If you have time, can you visit me in dreamland? If not, blow the wind and let it surrounds me, for because of you, I believed in ghost and prayed that they are true.

Again, I love you, lola.