Chapter 33: Interlude 4 - A wish and a Prayer

Before Kanao, there was only her. A nobody girl with nine siblings, nine other nobodies. Aside from the blood that pulsed through their bodies, there another thing they had in common. Something they had quickly learned while scrabbling to survive in their loveless, poverty-stricken household.

Knowledge. The harsh kind. Beaten into their bodies, carved into bone by hunger as much as unforgiving winter winds. They were taught through cruelty and neglect, by forces of nature, about where their place in the world.

They learned they were nothing on the best of days. Less than the shit tossed into the gutters running alongside their shack on the worst. They were far below even the naked and mangled corpses that occasionally turned up near their home, clouds of flies eating away at yellowed, maggot mangled flesh.

Their father was their first teacher, and he imparted lessons into their bony frames with fists and feet. For a malnourished beanpole, his attacks still carried a decent weight. It won him fear from those weaker than him and helped bring in chump change when he craved for the burn of alcohol. Lowly brothels weren't picky on who guarded their goods as long as they didn't touch them.

None of this mattered to the nobody girl and her siblings, however. Their father spent his attention on things he liked, and his spawn ranked bottom of his list, below his wife.

Life in that ramshackle house was akin to hell, and at the beginning, the girl who would eventually become Kanao vaguely recalled feeling many things. The first warm breeze of summer blowing the insects from her hair. The blossoming pain of a fist cracking her nose. The gnawing hunger of her stomach as she lay bleeding on the tatami, listlessly watching her siblings claw at one another for the bowl of rice their father had left after drinking himself into deep slumber.

The most prominent of her memories were ones that featured a scorching rage, an all-consuming fury powerful enough to melt flesh from bone, reducing whatever was left into a blackened and hollow husk.

Amidst the endless cycle of depravity, a point came where the girl heard a snap.

Things got easier after that. Punches and kicks stopped hurting as keenly as they used to. Her insides stopped twisting like the worms she sometimes ate from their backyard when she woke up to sunlight falling gently across her face, a gentle breeze running through her grimy hair. The world still unfairly beautiful despite the circumstance.

After that snap, the girl was aware of nothing but a blessed and comfortable silence. A hollow emptiness eerily similar to the time she had been thrown down the well behind their house after crying for food. The airy weightlessness of plummeting down the narrow space had been followed by an echoing splash and then... a gentle, comforting silence.

When she had been fished out by her siblings at her father's order, reason being not to contaminate the water they relied on, she remembered wishing she could remain in such a state forever.

That snap marked the first wish the girl had made that had been granted. This blessing, this power, made it easier to continue living. When the time came that the girl was sold for a paltry sum of money, to strange men who came looking for her father, she never had to feel a thing.

---

Everything changed when Kanae and Shinobu Kocho, resplendent with their graceful poise and beauty, swooped in.

On that humid midsummer day, unremarkable other than the biting rope around her wrists, a miraculous event occurred. The nobody girl who spent nights wallowing in piss and the stink of her misery was rescued. Quicker than any punches she'd previously taken, her life took a turn for the better. She was given a home and would now live with the certainty of meals, protection and... love.

Given name Kanao, chosen name Tsuyuri. Kanao thought it was odd have something she owned, something that could never be taken away.

However, the remaining pieces of her old self was intent to stay. The blessing of silence she'd obtained continued to cling to her like invisible smoke, rendering her only partially more useful than a block of rotting wood. In the face of this revelation though, her new older sister remained heart warmingly patient. Kanae did not seem to care nor mind that Kanao had forgotten how to do anything, to speak without being forced, to show an emotion other than dull detachment.

Shinobu had been less accepting and more worried. "Nee-san, this girl can't do anything! How is she going to live like this?!"

Even if Kanao could speak her mind, she wouldn't know how to begin unravelling the impossibility of getting rid of her blessing. It was as futile as trying to catch rain with her hands. Thankfully, though, Kanae remained optimistic, and Kanao was inclined to believe her. Her new older sister spoke with the confidence of having all the answers.

"Don't worry so much, Shinobu. As long as it's given a chance, a person's soul will open up!"

Kanae moved forward to stroke Kanao's head with a pale, calloused hand. The extra layer of clothes draped over her black and white uniform was as brilliant as the candy Kanao often saw being sold along the road, and when she moved, the afterimages they left behind reminded Kanao of a butterfly drifting from flower to flower. "What's important is that she focuses on recovering. Wouldn't you agree, Shinobu?"

Kanao wondered if this was why animals loved being pet. If she closed her eyes at this moment, she had a feeling she would fall into a deep and restful slumber. She leaned into the touch, eyelids fluttering.

Somewhere nearby, Shinobu sighed in exasperation. Limited though her understanding of emotions were, the sound was clearly affectionate despite the pinched expression Shinobu was directing at Kanae. How strange. Kanao didn't know it was possible for anything other than hate to exist between two people of the same blood.

"Nee-san, that won't do anything to help her. We can't simply keep telling Kanao what to do until she learns how to be independent. How long would that even take?" Shinobu gave Kanao a smile of pity. "As much as we want to be there for her all the time, it would be impossible."

"It doesn't hurt to try!" Kanae giggled. "Or, we could wait until she falls in love with a boy someday. I'm sure she'll be able to change, then."

"Nee-san!"

Kanao had been at the mansion for less than a day, but she could already tell bickerings like this were common. Her heart itched as she watched them talk in gentle, ribbing tones, and Kanao tried to grab ahold of the distant feeling to identify it.

Was it amusement? Worry? Happiness? It was hard to tell. Her blessing of silence continued to actively suppress everything she felt, and though Kanao wished to turn it off, mostly to alleviate Shinobu's worries, she didn't have the slightest idea how.

Maybe throwing herself down another well would work? They did have one behind the mansion.

"I know!" Kanae broke away from Shinobu to siddle closer. Kanao blinked, staring at the older girl's face. It was markedly different from all the others she had seen. Kanae's face was lean, her skin shiny and supple. It wasn't gaunt nor caked with thick powder of weird colours. And her eyes... Kanao felt she would lose herself in them if she stared any longer.

"Take this," Kanae pressed something hard and cold into her hand, "When you're asked to do something and can't decide, just flip the coin!" Her face glowed brilliantly when she smiled. "With this, you should be fine for now!"

"...you're so carefree that it's making me a little angry."

As abruptly as she had obtained a set of guardians, Kanao had been awarded a solution. This was the first time happy events occurred in such quick succession and though Kanao found it bizarre, she found herself liking it very, very much. She rubbed the coin between her fingers, replacing Kanae's warmth with her own. Balancing it on top of her thumb, she flipped it lightly into the air.

"Aw, don't be that way. Shinobu is the best when she smiles!"

Kanao caught the coin. After she looked at it, she worked her throat, the first sounds leaving her mouth in years. "Thank... you..."

Both sisters whipped around to stare at her, Shinobu's shock was a stark constrast against Kanae's astonished delight. Looking at them, Kanao simply blinked, but there was a familiar swell of emotion in her chest that she hadn't felt in a long time.

It was relief, she realised. She was relieved things had worked out as intended. She did not want to let either Kanae or Shinobu down.

Shinobu visibly swallowed whatever criticisms she'd been preparing to impart. The tension in her body seemed escape with her long-suffering sigh as Kanae squealed, clapping her hands together. "My my!"

"I suppose the best solution is the one that works," Shinobu smiled mildly at Kanao. "The first step is usually the hardest. Good job, Kanao."

Kanao's mouth twitched. They shivered, slowly curving upward. But they stopped before they could extend any further, and her lips returned to their familiar neutral position.

As she watched Shinobu try to hide her disappointment, Kanao quietly wished she hadn't forgotten how to smile.

---

As Kanae had expected, the coin made her transition into the mansion smoother than it would have been. She was unsure of how much the people at the mansion knew about her past nobody self, but given how open and understanding her older sisters were, Kanao knew they wouldn't have said more than was necessary.

Time continued to ebb and flow. In the beginning, Kanao found herself left to her own devices majority of the time. She spent it sitting in the sun, her folded legs tickled by tiny blades of grass. The air in the mansion was clean, comfortable and the homely surroundings made it easy for her to daze for hours before someone, usually the girl named Aoi Kanzaki, called her in for dinner.

Eventually though, both Shinobu and Kanae would begin integrating Kanao deeper into the fold. Unlike before, Shinobu ended up the first in extending her hand. She would bring Kanao into the medical ward, letting her sit and observe for hours as she treated ailments or open wounds. Shinobu's attempt to teach Kanao the basics of first aid was an exercise in frustration until she remembered her origins. Further plans to train Kanao were abandoned until they taught her to read and write.

Kanae, on the other hand, approached her much later. Half a year into Kanao's stay at the mansion would be the first time she set foot into the training hall, led by a smiling Kanae. It was a separate structure on the mansion grounds, and Kanao discovered it looked far bigger on the inside. Stepping past the initial threshold revealed an impossibly tall ceiling made of grainy, textured wood and a wide space fit to house at least ten families from her old neighbourhood. The light golden plaques that hung from wooden beams further imbued the hall with a sense of majesty that made Kanao tremble.

Aside from discovering such an awe-inspiring place existed within walking distance that day, Kanao also uncovered a different side to her sweet older sister. It turned out that under Kanae's endless optimism and readily offered smiles, there ran a current of steel underneath.

Kanao quickly realized what it meant to have a hobby. Whenever Shinobu set her free to wander the halls after a day in the ward or clinic, she would find herself walking toward the training hall to sit. Whenever Kanae returned from her trips, it was always there that she was found. Though they rarely spoke during Kanae's self imposed training sessions, Kanao thought she learned so much more than she did with Shinobu.

Kanae Kocho fought like she loved. A swing of her sword was a blow heavier than a hurricane, a downward slash as passionate as the flaring heat on a searing summer afternoon. The grace of her movements made Kanao's chest tighten with admiration and anxiety, and the soft shriek of metal being sheathed would lingerd in Kanao's mind long after the final glint of silver.

The more she watched Kanae, the more intense her wish to learn the sword grew, along with her burning desire to know how and why her older sister had decided to take up a skill typically learned by men. Though Kanao never voiced her thoughts, she should have known that Kanae retained her mysterious knack of knowing what was on another's mind.

"You have never asked why I constantly practice." Kanae rested a hand on her sword hilt, her smile more enigmatic than usual. She'd been training for the past two hours, and her words struck Kanao out of left field. "Will you ask me now after seeing what happened last night?"

The scene in question floated to surface of Kanao's mind. She had fallen asleep after dinner, dozing off under her heavy futon to the chirp of insects. Her sleep was barely interrupted by nightmares these days, but sudden noises still held their ability to jolt her awake. Last night, the flurry of activity had been too much. The frantic footsteps from the hallway had penetrated her thin veil of sleep. Kanao recalled sighing as she lay there, listening to the murmurs of servants as they bustled.

Situations like this were rare occurances, but each time they happened, new patients would turn up in the ward when she accompanied Shinobu the next day. Kanao had been in the middle of debating the merits on returning to sleep or trying to help when she heard the mention of children. That had spurred her out of her futon and crack the door open to peek out into the hallway.

Kanao looked at the patient expression on her sister's face. "Am I allowed to? I always thought that if you and Shinobu-neesan wanted me to know... you would tell me." It was nice to not have to flip her coin to talk with Kanae. Her blessing did not seem to work in her presence these days. It also acted the same toward Shinobu, much to her other sister's her delight.

Kanae hummed. "If you hadn't known anything, I would have been content to keep things that way."

Kanao considered her words. "So that means the reason you learned how to use a sword is related to the reason you brought those children back? Those girls aren't just slaves you rescued?"

"Very astute!" Kanae said, pleased. "Before I tell you, though, I would like to ask something. Kanao, after living in the mansion for quite some time, you must have heard at least some of the whispers and gossip that goes around. Do you know what exactly it is Shinobu and I do?"

Kanao nodded. "You and Shinobu-neesan are demon slayers." At Kanae's pout, she added hastily, "That's what I heard, but..."

I don't think demons exist. That sentence stalled in Kanao's mouth. She remembered the sight of the three tearful girls that had been escorted down the hallway, past her room. Their tattered clothes drenched in blood, the blank expressions on their faces. The pure unadulterated terror that shone in their eyes.

"I know it is hard to believe, but demons are real, Kanao."

"Are they scary?" Kanao fiddled with her sleeves. She never thought there would be something more frightening out there than people like her father, or the slave merchants that bought her.

"They are terrifying as they are pitiful." Kanae walked to Kanao and laid a comforting hand on her shoulder. Her voice was gentle as she said, "It is good you haven't had the misfortune to encounter one, and I hope it will remain that way. Although I wish the situation between demons and humans could be improved, I do not think things can change at this point in time."

"Will the demons come here?" Kanao asked. "If you rescued those girls, will they come for revenge?"

"The demon responsible for their plight has been taken care of." Kanae's eyes were hard, purple flints in the light. This was the first time Kanao had seen her older sister wear such a severe expression. "I won't allow any demons to come near our home, but if there comes a day that happens when I'm not around, I'm sure my dear Shinobu won't let any of you come to harm. She won't let a single demon take a step beyond the mansion gates."

"Shinobu-neesan can fight?" Kanao digested that information with surprise. Their ages weren't that far apart, but Shinobu was only slightly larger and taller than she was. When Kanao mentioned it last time, Shinobu's face had turned blacker than the charcoal they used for cooking.

Kanae giggled. "She might be small, but she fights well. I guarantee it."

"Then since both of you can fight, I don't think I'll ever meet a demon," Kanao said.

"That's the spirit!" Kanae reached for her, miming a hug. "Alright, time to reward myself for my hard work!"

That talk faded from Kanao's mind like most things that did not involve her did. Her days continued as they had, Kanao spending time between Shinobu, Kanae and cloud gazing. A year and a half passed in this manner, with Kanao still no closer to realizing her goal of learning how to wield a sword. She had thought her older sisters would bring up the topic, but nothing of the sort ever occured.

Perhaps letting her learn the sword would mean going into battle. If she thought of it that way, Kanao knew none of her older sisters would ever allow it. That was fine, however. Even without learning how to fight like Kanae, her pleasant days ad continued, and that was all that really mattered.

Then Kanae had gone on a demon hunting mission, and everything changed again.

Kanao couldn't recall what she was doing when the news arrived, only that she had been in the dining hall before a crow had come tumbling through the open window in a fit of feathers and fretful caws.

Aoi entered almost immediately after. She threw open the door, dishevelled from a recent shift and with a wild look in her eye. Kanao had deliberated on flipping her coin to ask for the reason behind her distress – they received too many messenger birds on the regular for it to be worrying – until the crow took several limping hops forward and shook a bloodied feather onto the floor.

"Emergency report!" Its shrill voice was an eerie echolation of an inhuman shriek, a cross between a scream and a sob. "The Flower Pillar has fallen in battle. Kanae Kocho has passed away!"

---

Change, as Kanao had learned, came hard and fast when you least expected it. How your life turned out after it happened wouldn't be obvious until you saw the aftermath. It was like flipping a coin, in a sense. The odds were always fifty fifty, for better or for worse.

Her rescue from the slavers had been the former. Kanae's passing, however... Kanao hadn't realized the peace she enjoyed was so achingly fragile until it shattered.

Apart from the gloomy air that settled in the Butterfly Mansion after the funeral, several strange men began to stalk the halls. Kanao would not learn their names until much later, when Shinobu was officially inaugurated as a Pillar herself.

The man with white hair and countless scars was the human manifestation of fury. He made the kakushi duck into the nearest room whenever he swept through the hallways like a violent maelstrom, and the fierceness of his anger sloughed off him like lava spilling down the sides of an active volcano. It wasn't the promise of pain that made Kanao take extra to avoid him, but the heavy grief that simmered below the surface. Seeing him always reminded Kanao of what she, and everyone, had lost.

The next most memorable of the lot was the mountain of a man who carried prayer beads that chittered with each step. He tended to linger outside Shinobu's room, but Kanao had never seen him enter. He would always turn away, pacing down another hallway in search of someone who would never walk it again. Kanao found his constant river of tears more unnerving than his monstrous build. She had never seen a man cry before.

The most mysterious among them was the long-haired man in a patterned haori. Kanao had never heard him speak, not even to spear someone with a snappish word or to mumble an apology. He simply followed Shinobu, a dogged and silent shadow. From his body language, Kanao thought he was concerned, but there was never a reason to point it out.

Kanae's sudden death affected everyone badly, but the most visceral change it evoked had been in Shinobu.

The brash and overly passionate older sister Kanao had known for years seemed to change overnight. Gone was Shinobu's rough and forward manner of speech, the expressions she displayed openly like wet ink left to dry on an unfurled scroll. In its place was a mild mannered, perpetually smiling girl, an eerie copy of the girl who had once pressed a coin into Kanao's hand and stroked her head.

And once Shinobu donned the unique haori that had belonged to Kanae, it was as if her transformation was complete. Like a caterpillar that had morphed into a butterfly, Shinobu became unrecognizable. Often, Kanao would often wonder if the funeral had not been for one, but two people.

Life settled after that, though it was never quite the same. Two years without Kanae passed like the constant flow of water down a mountain– resigned, but inevitable. The passage of time blunted the worst of Kanao's pain, but there were still days she would sit alone in the training hall, gazing upon the empty space and still feeling the phantom warmth of arms around her.

Change, as Kanao came to expect, was dangerous. There were too many variables to account for, and it wasn't a harmless gamble, like when she flipped her coin. Kanao wasn't naïve enough to believe she could stop change completely, but... she promised herself that if it was within her means to do something to halt it in its tracks, she would not, could not, hesitate.

People in the mansion came and went. They died, quit, lost themselves in grief, but Shinobu-neesan remained. At fourteen years old, this was all that mattered to Kanao. She accompanied her older sister, her master, whenever she asked, and spent time reading or watching the sky whenever she wasn't.

Perhaps she might have become too entrenched in routine to notice, because she hadn't noticed things had changed again until Aoi came up to her in the hallway one day and pressed a gift into her hands.

It was a simple thing, a handcrafted trinket that sparkled a multitude of colours when light passed through. It had a loop of string at the top that instinctively reminded her of the kinds Kanae had hung decorated her items with, sometimes playing with them when she was bored.

Kanao stared at the object in her palm, then back at Aoi. This was the nicest thing, the only thing she received from anyone other than her sisters.

"Tsuchinoto-san is back, and he brought gifts. For all of us!" Aoi was giddy with childlike excitement, and she held up her cookware, brandishing it like a trophy. Ah, she'd been wanting a new one for months. No wonder she was overjoyed. "I'm going to show my gift to Shinobu-neesan. Yours looks a little delicate, so you had better go keep yours somewhere safe."

Aoi made to run off. She suddenly turned back to say, "Oh, and lunch is ready. Don't take too long finding a good spot!" When Aoi had disappeared around the bend, Kanao returned her attention to the trinket. So, the stranger Shinobu had been hosting in the mansion gave it to her?

Kanao wracked her brains, but there was no conceivable reason for the gift. He greeted her in the hallways when he encountered her and never seemed put out when she said nothing and simply smiled. He also never pestered her about Shinobu, unlike some of the patients here.

Aoi had mentioned that he bought gifts for everyone. That suggested that the Tsuchinoto didn't have any kind of motive and was simply being... kind.

Kanao blinked and shook her head. The absolute strangeness of the matter boggled her. Purchasing a gift for Shinobu wouldn't be odd, but for everyone else? She wondered if there was something he wanted, if he'd gone ahead to do something this drastic.

Kanao turned over the translucent trinket in her hands, letting a ray of sunlight bloom into a rainbow on the aged wooden walls.

Beautiful.

Well... perhaps she was overthinking things. Kanao had to admit it felt good to receive a gift that didn't smack of afterthought. Shinobu's various suitors rarely sent gifts for them, and when they did, they were duplicates of the same comb or handkerchiefs. At least this trinket was unique, and the thought of tossing it into the warehouse to gather dust felt like a such a waste.

Kanao turned to walk to her room. Two kakushi were headed her way, and surprisingly, they seemed too absorbed in their discussion to notice her. She quietly stepped closer to the wall, slowing to let them pass.

"Did you hear from Aoi-sama? Kuroshio-sama bought us alcohol!" Kanao saw the shorter of the two rub their hands together. "If I didn't think it was impolite, I'd give him a big, wet kiss."

"He'll slice you in half with his sword," came the unruffled reply. "Please refrain from embarrassing us all."

"Hey, he got us plum wine. Plum. Wine. Do you know how much that costs?" Kanao watched as an elbow shot out in an excited nudge. "He must be a darn good merchant if he can afford to spend that kind of money on us. Compare him to that other fellow, that arrogant bastard with the–"

A loud crack resounded in the hallway as the trinket in her hands snapped into two. Kanao stood there, staring at the object with dull eyes. Even in halves, the prism like material still shone in an impeccably wondrous light.

A feeling of derision welled up inside her. She despised it.

"Ah. Um. Kanao-sama?"

That Tsuchinoto was a merchant. She should have known. His gifts weren't out of kindness, he wanted something. Kanao bit her lip, tasting the bitter tang of blood. She deserved to bleed, she'd almost fallen for his trick.

"Kanao-sama, are you alright?" Kanae looked up to see the shorter kakushi in front of her. He extended his hand, pointing at the trinket. "That... you might have broken it, but if you would allow me, I believe it might be possible to–"

Kanao shoved it into his hands and walked away. Her stride broke into something short of a run as she moved further from the kakushi, who continued calling for her. Kanao did not bother answering. They could throw it in the dump for all she cared.

Her mind whirred. Shinobu-neesan had never mentioned that the Tsuchinoto wasn't just a Slayer. Or perhaps... had the man convinced her to keep his secondary occupation a secret? What could he have said? What kind of lie did he spin for her older sister to believe him?

"We could wait until she falls in love with a boy someday. I'm sure she'll be able to change, then."

Kanao's legs stilled when she neared the dining hall. Of course. Of course.

Kanao crept up to the door leading into the dining hall and peered inside. Her eyes swept over Kiyo and the rest, coming to a stop Shinobu and the merchant. At this angle, Kanao couldn't make out his face, but that couldn't be said for her older sister.

Kanao allowed her eyes to catalogue everything. The barest twitch of her facial muscle, the quirk of a lip that threatened to curve into a smile. Kanao felt her breathing stutter as she watched Shinobu and the merchant interact, their complete attention on each other as if they the only ones in the room.

If Shinobu changed into someone who only held eyes for her lover, would there be anything she could not part with?

No, Kanao denied. No, that couldn't be true. Shinobu was her sister. She had treated Kanao with nothing but love and kindess the past four years. It was impossible that she would do something a heinous as sell her. They were a family.

But then...

Her faather had been her family, too. And that hadn't stopped him, had it? He beat her. Threw her against the wall. Sold her to strangers for the promise of several bottles of alcohol.

And besides, Kanae-neesan was always right. If she said that a person could change when they fell in love, then it would undoubtedly happen.

If the Tsuchinoto were any other person, Kanao would have been willing to take the chance. But he was a merchant, like the vicious men who bought her and cared for her little better than cattle.

If Shinobu-neesan fell in love with him...

Kanao shuddered as her stomach pulled in discomfort. Her temples pulsed, and she resisted the urge to knead them with her fingers. Instead, she cupped her hands together in a silent prayer, her arms trembling so hard she could barely keep them still.

If that happened, Kanao knew it would be the end of her.

Kanao prayed, silently pleading that Kanae would turn out to be wrong, just this once.