369. Of misunderstandings, apologies and a little bit of power

Cassandra Pendragon

I remained rigid, rooted where I stood, watching from the shadows while Pete and the raven returned to the fire and its warmth. Another story of my life. Pathetic as it might have been I couldn't simply turn away but when a palpable wave of relief at my absence travelled through the tightly knit group I bit my lip until I could taste my silvery blood on my tongue.

"Why do you torture yourself," Ahri asked. "You know it isn't personal, don't you?"

"It bloody well feels that way. But that's not it… it's the second time." I felt her puzzle over my words for a second before she caught a faint glimpse of Sylvia laying into me.

"Right. She accused you of bringing harm to the kids. It triggered you, back then, but it didn't bother you. What's changed?"

"Reia. She was there with me and she didn't… look through my eyes. They're glad I'm gone." A tickling sensation in the depths of my mind told me she was there but instead of a slight distortion of my vision I felt my energy expand and swirl until it reached my eyes.

"Don't count your chickens before they've hatched," Ahri said, her thoughts laced with a tinge of happiness or maybe satisfaction I just couldn't explain. Until I actually bothered to listen. It hadn't been relief I had seen but I had been too absorbed in my own little pity party to understand.

"You blithering idiot," Jimmy erupted. "You're going to turn around right now and bring her back."

"I won't," Pete hissed, "you, none of you have any idea what…"

"Are you actually stupid," Brianna shot him down. "Of course we don't but neither do you. This, all of this, is so far beyond us that I don't even know which way to turn and you went right ahead and ostracised the one creature who can actually dance with the devils we have to face and still cares enough to help us out? Have you finally managed to drown your wits in cheap booze all together?"

"Now, you listen here, young lady," I smirked when I realised that he was actually trying to act like a father and even received the same reward as one:

"Young lady," the gentle girl exploded with more fire than I had ever expected to burn in her, "what are you trying to pull? Don't pretend like you have it all figured out. We know you don't and it's not your choice whom I…"

"It bloody well is," the pirate turned makeshift dad hissed. "You, none of you have even the slightest idea of what she is! She could kill you all by accident, without even realising what she's done! I'm not going to let…"

"Let," Jimmy cut in again scathingly while the rest of the group was slowly making themselves comfortable, settling in for the show. "Since when do you let us do anything? Not to mention it's been you who's introduced her to our lives, hasn't it? You don't get to choose…"

"And neither do you." Judging from her tone Brianna was close to tears, even though they were more of the spitting fire and bile kind than anything else. "It's my call, isn't it, and I don't want to rely on a girl I've never met or a crazy raven," she jerked when she realised what she had said and apologetically inclined her head towards Kana and the Broken Wheel, who barley acknowledged her with a lazy nod, enraptured as they were by the unfolding drama, "when I can have someone who's already saved my life. Twice! Not to mention your ungrateful ass. Tell me, how often would you have died without her and her people? From the looks of it I'm in deep shit anyways and if I still have a chance I want her help. Now, can you live with that?"

"I don't like it," he replied stubbornly, a sickly red, spotted blush rising to his cheeks.

"You don't have to like it," the little redhead, Vi, interjected for the first time, "you simply have to live with it. Can you do that?"

"I don't think I've got much of a choice if you're all ganging up on me. Couldn't you have said something sooner before I went ahead and put my foot in my mouth?"

"We could have, if you had told us what you were planning. Do you think she'll even listen to us now?"

"She doesn't hold grudges, at least not over something like this. But I guess I'll have to apologise… is there still some of the mead left over? That might be a good start." I had heard enough. Grinning from ear to ear I turned away.

"Thanks," I whispered into my thoughts. "I don't know what I'd do without you."

"Well, jumping to the wrong conclusions is obviously a given. Don't mention it. I'm glad you're smiling again. Are they really that important to you?" I blew up my cheeks thoughtfully.

"In a way, but it's less about them and more about me. You know me, I've never been the most forgiving when it comes to my own actions and what Pete said… well, he isn't wrong, is he?"

"Oh boy, here we go again. It's always the same with you, isn't it? Yes, he isn't wrong. Getting involved with immortals is about as dangerous as walking into a lion's den with your back turned. We've been over this when Boseiju burned. My opinion hasn't changed. You shouldn't force yourself onto others but you'd be stupid to ignore their widespread, welcoming arms."

"Are you prying? I've just been thinking about leaving before they can drag me back."

"Cassy, I don't need to pry. I know you and you said it yourself, you aren't that complicated. Stubborn and infuriating, maybe, but…"

"Just what every girl likes to hear…"

"We're engaged, I'm not trying to get into your pants. Do you want me to lie?"

"Of course not, but you could try sugarcoating your words, once in a while."

"I'm afraid you fell for the wrong girl, if that's what you're after. I don't mind showing my affection, though. Here." The very next second I was blushing like a beet root when a rather spicy picture of myself began to slowly form in mind. This much wouldn't have bothered me but the accompanying surge of love and longing was another matter. "You know that's how I see you. Always. But aside from your looks you aren't perfect. Neither am I. It just so happens that I find your faults endearing and I hope it's the same for you, because I'm at least as damaged as you."

"For a romantic gesture this was pretty close to an insult," I chuckled. "Still… thanks. Ahri… why don't you feel the need to be… accepted? How can you… I don't want to say not care, but simply push it away?" For the first time I felt her hesitation but with a little prodding she admitted:

"I think because I've never been betrayed by you. I've always been sure of the most important thing in my life, you. Even when I left… I left. I don't want to make this about me, but I think that's one of the scars you haven't gotten rid of, yet. Back then… Lucifer didn't give a shit about what anybody thought. To a dangerous degree, as you very well know. Your new life… I think that's one of the things you wanted to change. Which means I'm not so sure if you're ever going to be able to…"

"Just do as I damn well please? You're right. Probably not. You do know that your support is enough, though, despite my whining, don't you?"

"Never doubted it. I know you'd burn the cosmos for me if I asked, the consequences be damned. And I'd do the same for you. I'm just not sure if that's actually a good thing."

"For you? Probably not. I'm infamous for being a little unstable from time to time. For me? If push came to shove I'd trust your judgement over mine anyways."

"Why? I'm the one who's been duped and played before. Not you."

"That's not true. I've told you before, what happened was more on me than it was on you. As I am now… as we are now… I don't think it would have come to that."

"You can bet your ass it wouldn't have," she growled. "Never. Never again. That's the one thing I've carried over from my last life. I can't promise that I won't complain or even scream at you all the way, but whichever path you're going to take I'll be right there with you." A soft, loving smile tugged on the corners of my mouth as I replied:

"I know. You can't even stay away while you're in the middle of a royal conspiracy, consuming one of the most powerful nations on our continent. No, instead you try to console a stubborn girl with an addiction to pitying and second guessing herself. It's quite obvious that your priorities aren't quite as rational as I thought."

"There's nothing going on here at the moment and even if it were… you're right, I wouldn't care. You're my responsibility. Not some nation and definitely not some crown."

"And what about Zara? She's your ward, isn't she?"

"She's still sleeping right beside me. She had a long day yesterday. I can tell you all about it once you get here but nothing bad happened. Well, nothing surprising at least. The war is starting to take its toll…. by now there are reports of people dying every other day. Truth be told, I don't know how long I can stay out of it."

"What do you mean?"

"The kids… you know why Zara bound herself to me, don't you? Well, she's not the only one. Every noble family had to offer up a familiar," I could almost see the snarl on her beautiful face as she thought the words, "and most were the youngest ones who don't hold any real value, yet. Most of them are still in school for Christ's sake," I didn't know when she had started using colloquialisms form earth but I had to admit, I enjoyed it, "and I won't watch them being sacrificed. I'm going to end this farce myself before it comes to that."

"You'll at least have to wait until I can watch. But I wouldn't mind keeping out of it…"

"As if," she snorted. "It's going to take a day, two at the most, until you stumble across someone you like and all your demure intentions will go down the drain instantly."

"Are the elves really that amicable?"

"Cassy, you've made friends in Free Land. Do you honestly believe it's going to be any different around people who actually have some manners and whose culture is fairly similar to ours?"

"It is," I asked, surprised.

"In a way. Even more rigid and it's less about actual prowess and more about your lineage but overall… let's put it that way. Sylvia would fit right in."

"Great. Now you made me remember I still have to face her. I don't know why, she even apologised, but, come to think of it, I don't really like her."

"She didn't only insult you, she insulted… no, she ostracised Reia and her men attacked me. In all honesty, I'm surprised she survived."

"There's still time to remedy that. I'm quite sure I could even convince Sera to eat or squash her. If only to get into my good graces."

"Tempting, but it's hardly worth it. No, I guess we'll have to deal with her for a few years to come. Who knows, once she doesn't feel cornered anymore she might even turn out to be quite tame. Then again, probably not. Otherwise Arthur wouldn't have married her."

"Sometimes I do wonder how that happened. I just can't figure out what he sees in her. Considering I'm obviously into girls myself I thought I'd at least come to understand what attracts him, but I really don't."

"Don't worry too much, people are different. Very much so. Also… are you sure? Despite my occasional bout of jealousy I've never actually seen you look at anyone with any real… heat, no matter how pretty. And between Aurelia, Erya and Alassara the choices haven't exactly been restricted. I'm not even going to count Viyara, seeing as she's been more of a sister or even daughter to you from the start. Come to think of it… neither have I. I'm not so sure if you can actually draw a comparison there."

"Honestly, you've spoiled me. They can't hold a candle to you and that's not only my love for you talking. I love you for who you are, but you know yourself that…"

"There's a difference between mortals and immortals. Believe me, I know. I've been waking up at your side far too often. Makes one wonder, though, why our siblings always play around."

"Boredom. Without love superficial admiration becomes stale really fast. A new toy is still more interesting, even if it's not as luxurious. Not to mention… they're different. Without the hearts we've been blessed with we'd probably be the same."

"So… you no longer think we poisoned ourselves?" She was referring to Lucifer's breakdown after he and Aurora had escaped from the Silver City.

"You remember that," I asked.

"No, but you do. That's enough." One day I'd really have to take the time to go through her memories with a fine tooth comb. Right after assimilating the memory crystals Mephisto had left behind and figuring out what to do with the goddamned cube I was still carrying around with me.

"You know that I never really regretted what we did, don't you? I was simply a drama queen."

"Well, that hasn't changed, has it?"

"Excuse me? I think I've matured… at least a bit."

"Right, by now you're less concerned with what you are and more with how others see you. Don't know if that's actually an improvement," she scoffed.

"It is. Back then… it really bothered me. Now my whining is mostly just an outlet. You have to admit, even for us the last couple of weeks have been one hell of a ride."

"Fair enough. It's nearly over, though."

"What do you mean?"

"When was the last time you actually felt threatened?" I had to think for a moment, which should have been the first clue, but I didn't get it. Not yet, anyways.

"Lilith, I guess. When Aurelia woke up and Amon poisoned me I felt mistreated and shit out of luck, but not really threatened. And in my memories, you know, when I fought my way back, I was much too exhausted to even care."

"So… it takes an immortal to scare you now? What does that tell you?" And finally the penny dropped.

"I see where you're going with this but I don't think you're right. For all the gibberish he spewed Mephisto was right about one thing: the greater the magic the greater the price. We might, might be able to face Amazeroth and Amon directly, but I'm not willing to risk the fallout. Not yet."

"That's not what I meant. We don't have to run anymore, is all." More softly she added: "Since we're on topic, though…do you think you'll ever be?"

"Honestly, I don't know. It's not only that I fear what might happen to our friends… our world in the process, no, something also tells me that Gaya won't be as protected when everything is said and done and I really don't want to deal with our siblings. Not yet, anyways."