163. Of roles, resistance and a little bit of love

"What is this," he hissed. "Have you been following our battles only to absorb our essence? Is that what you intend to do to me?"

"No, or rather yes, it depends on you. I never had any intention of profiting from your demise but as it stands… look, haven't you seen what that energy can do to reality? How the laws of the cosmos crumble where ever they come in touch with it? Do you have any idea what would have happened if I hadn't collected the rags in your wake? There would be nothing left to fight for… the powers of angles and demons aren't supposed to mix, it defies the order of creation."

"For someone who has taken in such a cancer you seem quite healthy."

"I'm… I don't know why but I'm different. Energies don't change me and I can hold what would make others wither away or change until they couldn't be recognised anymore. Maybe that's the reason for my existence, who knows? But in the end, it doesn't matter. I did what I had to, to keep the universe in one piece, no matter the cost."

"And what do you need me for?"

"I don't need you, not exactly. But I… you're made in my image. Don't roll your eyes, did you think my brother would have been able to even imagine what freedom looks like? Never mind forging a being that's about as close to its essence as it can get? No… and that wasn't even his intention. I'm pretty sure he thought that you would inherit my powers if he created you in the name of what he believes I stand for… and true to his nature, he screwed up from the very beginning. As if I would ever have dared to… it doesn't matter. Your time is running out and you have a decision to make. If you die, I'll take in the poison and use it to put an end to all of this. And sooner or later, you'll be forgotten by everyone, except for me. Or… you can live on, as a part of the very power that has corrupted your whole life."

"Enough with the riddles, speak plainly, what are you offering?"

"I don't have to wait until you're dead. As long as you're alive, your essence is still bound to the anathema that's coursing through your veins. If I were to take it in now, a part of you would endure, safe and sound within me."

"And why would you do that? Why would an immortal be willing to share his existence with me?"

"Because I already do… when you were born, it wasn't my brother's blood that gave you life. It was mine, stolen without my knowledge. But make no mistake, the life you know is still going to end. You'll be nothing more then a spark in a sea of light. I can't truthfully tell you what's going to happen to you, for I don't know, but I imagine you'll fuse with my core since you were born from its power. I think you'd turn into another expression of my energy, a second face, if you so will."

He stilled, mulling over what I had told him. Truthfully, I didn't really care which way he'd go. I was here out of a sense of obligation, nor conviction or friendship. Not that those words meant particularly much to me, but even if they had… Having watched him and his ilk tear apart the cosmos for the better part of a millennium had definitely healed me from any romanticised notions I might have had. A pity, especially since none of it was his fault. Neither he nor his siblings were responsible for what had been done to them.

When the immortals had fought among themselves, they had soon realised that they would either be forced into extinction by their own hands or keep on fighting for all eternity. The nine families had been the answer. Mortals had been imbued with a spark of transcendent power, supposedly shifting the balance in the angels' favour, but unfortunately, the demons hadn't simply curled up and died. They had fought back, they had gotten their hands on the artefact that had been used to influence creation and they had changed it. It had allowed them to infuse as much of their essence into the nine families as the angels already had and they had killed one of us in the process, even though I wasn't entirely convinced that he was dead… and now we were back to the beginning, eternal war or death looming above our heads. If there was any chance for us to get out of this alive, I would have to change the rules. And that was, what I was trying to do.

His rumbling voice brought me back to reality. "Don't take me, take my daughter." To say I was surprised would have been the understatement of the century.

"I beg your pardon?"

"You heard me. Take from me what you want, I'll even help you in any way I can, but I want you to free my daughter, end her suffering and give her a second chance at life, no matter how minuscule it is. If you are as different from your family as you claim, you won't deny me this."

"I… there's so much wrong with your demand, I don't even know where to begin."

"Like what? Where's the difference to what your offering me, right now? A young girl lives, an old man dies. It's a fair trade, isn't it? Why are you even hesitating? What's could make an angel, who can play with demonic energies, afraid?"

"Uh, she's tied up in the Silver City, for one, at least as far as I know." I sighed. "And even if I could free her, I don't think it would work. She's probably just a husk of whom you once knew by now, the energies within her are much more diluted and… SHE's a woman. I… we are as close to eternal as it gets, we don't change. I'll always be whom you see in front of you. I can't combine my essence with someone who's as far removed from me as her."

"That's not true, you can change. I've just seen it. The angel who died to manipulate the ring, he changed, fundamentally, didn't he? Why couldn't you?"

"Fine, I don't want to. I… who knows, the next time I die, I might turn into a dragoness. I'm not really keen on that. I like who I am."

"So you're denying me out of vanity? You're prepared to let her suffer because you're afraid it might change you? Or because you're afraid you might get hurt? Are you truly the coward I always believed you to be?" That stung.

"Watch your tone, Ancalagon. Do not forget whom you're talking to."

"What, you're going to kill me? I'm afraid you might be a little late to the party. I don't have much time left, I can feel it, the darkness is coming for me, so let's speak openly. You and I, if what you say is true and we really are that similar, you didn't come here for power. I imagine you already have enough of that all on your own, you came here for absolution, you came here because you don't want to carry the burden of the decisions you'll have to make all on your own. Tough luck, I'm not going to help you, I can't. I'm… I'm tired and spent, I've given everything I have for a cause that seemingly isn't even mine and I'm done. Done with being the villain or the hero. I earned my rest, twisted as my struggles might have been. But you… you're not. I see the fire in your eyes despite the countless aeons on your back. You still have hope and maybe even the strength to make it come true, but I won't be along for the ride." He paused, his enormous figure shaken by a sudden fit. When he calmed down he continued:

"So… save her, allow her to live on and maybe, one day, she can return the favour. What do you have to lose?"

"My life? Literally? If I get caught I'll be branded a traitor. We don't forget, we don't forgive. I…" Suddenly, he laughed. I could see the pain it caused him but he still raised his head to the skies and roared out his mirth. "What's so funny," I asked.

"You've already decided to free her, her and whoever else you find, haven't you? Long before you came here. Oh, the irony. What I would give to have met you earlier… fine then, do as you please. But let me tell you this, if freedom is what you crave, the choice that comes with mortality, I won't be the one to show you the path. But she might. She's done it for me, she's shown me a life beyond the constraints of my destiny. Act on my words or don't, the choice is yours, but for me it's time to move on. It has been a pleasure meeting you, fleeting as it might have been. And I'm sorry, you're no coward." And before I could answer, he quivered one more time and became still.

Stupid lizard. As bluish flames began eating away at his carcass, I couldn't help but wonder if he had been right. Was I really that constrained? Was I talking myself into believing what I did was right instead of a role I was supposed to play? Did it matter? Oh, how I sometimes wished I could just forget this whole, stupid war and what it had done to us all.

The fires expanded, swallowing my vision until all that remained was a blue veil of light streaked with silver. When it cleared, I was somewhere else, far away in an eternal place I had never wanted to visit again, silvery towers and bridges of light a beautiful display of transcendent power. And I wasn't alone. Aurora stood at my side, her eyes fixed on me.

"Come again? You want me to do what?" Her wings manifested and I swallowed dryly.

"Just look the other way for a few hours. I… whatever you do, don't go down there tonight."

"Do you think I'm stupid? Do you think I don't know what you're up to?"

"Look, I frankly don't care. I came here because you saved my hide a few times in the past and I don't want to have to hurt you. But truth be told, if you get in my way, it won't matter. Try to stop me and you'll have to pay the price."

"I don't mean to stop you… I want in."

"You…what?" I spluttered which made her smile.

"You heard me. I want in."

"You don't even know what I intend to do. How can you possibly say that." She shrugged.

"Doesn't take a genius to figure it out. And besides… I've been involved since the very beginning, instead of watching from the sidelines. I… I want to know one thing and please, don't lie to me. Do you think it can work? Do you think we can become more like them, more… mortal?"

"No. We are who we are, but that doesn't mean we can't change… by the heavens, my core has changed since I've begun cleaning up after our siblings. We won't ever have the luxury of knowing that we have but one life, of knowing that everything we do matters because we can't try again, but I fully believe that we can become more like them, more caring, more… human. We might have a chance to laugh and cry, to fear and hope, something to set us free from the constraints of our existence. Who knows, maybe we might even learn how to hate and how to love." While I was talking, she wrinkled her forehead in concentration. A gesture I would come to find endearing quite soon.

"That's a chance I won't ignore," she replied. "I'm tired of running in circles."

"But… Aurora, damn it, if you're half as well informed as you claim to be, you know it won't matter what you want. You simply can't, you won't survive. Even if there was another one down there who carried enough energy, it would tear you to shreds the moment you'd try to absorb it. Are you really that tired that you're willing to commit suicide? There won't be another cycle, your core would explode or even worse, it would be corrupted by the invading force."

"Not if they were still alive and willing, not if there's still a consciousness attached to it. Haven't you told that to the dragon?"

"Have you been following me? You know what, I don't want to know. Yes I did, but I'm far from certain. For me, it doesn't matter much, but for you… well, it's your life and I won't deny you if you're sure, but I want to know why. Why would you risk everything on the mere chance of evolving? I always thought you were content with your role." She hesitated for a few seconds before she answered haltingly, a wet shimmer in her eyes. Was she crying? That shouldn't be possible.

"I was, but… while you've been away, there was another battle. I… I made a promise. I tied myself to one of the families, and in turn… I'm already changing, that's all you have to know."

"You idiot! Perfection, isn't it? Of course… why else would you want to change, damned if you do, damned if you don't, aren't you?" I took a deep breath, my thoughts racing. "That's not the only way, you know? Promises break when we die. You could start anew."

"I don't want to. I wasn't coerced or tricked, I fully understood what I was getting myself into. He isn't dead, you know. The angel of valour, he still lives. I met him and he told me… well, it doesn't matter. We'll either survive and come to see the future for ourselves, or we won't."

"I beg your pardon? You're not making any sense right now."

"I'm not, am I? Then let me rephrase: you want this war to end? So do I, and if you want to stand a chance, you'll take me with you."

"And you know that because…"

"That's my secret, you'll find out sooner or later, but for now, you'll have to trust me. Think you can manage that?"

"Fine, it's your life you're playing with, not mine." Again she smiled but it was somewhat different. It wasn't a way to communicate or an expression of her mood, it was somehow deeper, more honest. As if she was truly… happy? Again, that shouldn't be possible. Caution, disgust, worry, in short everything that was related to an object was fine, but happiness? Something subjective? She shouldn't have been capable of that. And I would know, for neither was I.

"Don't be too sure about that," she almost whispered. "I think you'll come to understand that there isn't so much of a difference."

"Could you speak plainly, please? What's that supposed to mean? Usually I'm the one getting cryptic. I must say, it's a true pain in the ass, having to experience the other side."

"You'll see, at least I hope so…" the scene dispersed again.

Love… love was a pain in the ass, no nice way of putting it. Had I known beforehand what I was getting myself into, I would have fled from the Silver City the moment I had met with Aurora. But no… blithering moron that I was, I had gone through with it. We had made our way into the dungeons, I had sent a handful, of angels back to the river and we had visited the cells. Two of them had been occupied and I should have become suspicious right then and there. What a coincidence! But no… I had been worrying about how long we would have and whether or not I would witness the true death of an immortal any minute now and hadn't spared a single thought for what her strange innuendos could have actually meant. Her problem not mine, I had reasoned.

As it had turned out, it wasn't. Not anymore. Somewhere between fleeing from our siblings and getting used to the strange world we had been thrust into, I had come to realise that I liked her, that I didn't think of her as useful, entertaining, beautiful or passionate. I simply liked her and a few days later… damn it! I should never have taken her with me!

By now, she crept into my thoughts every few seconds, a fucking nuisance! And all because of that pesky little spark I couldn't get rid off anymore. Screw mortality, screw emotions, they drove a man nuts until he headed head over heels into a battle he couldn't win. Freedom… freedom my ass, how could you be free if your groin was starting to make your decisions? Save them, she had said, they deserve it, she had said. And here I was, clueless, outnumbered and mightily mad.