Tony’s Funeral

The next day, the funeral venue was packed with family members I hadn't seen in years. As Jasper and I walked in, all eyes turned to us, the scrutiny palpable. Whispers trailed behind us like a shadow. The room was a sea of black, with faces twisted in varying degrees of disdain, curiosity, and contempt.

"Wow, this is going to be rough," Jasper muttered under his breath.

I leaned towards him and whispered, "What should I do?"

"Just give condolences, even if you don't care. Don't argue with anyone," he replied, his voice steady and reassuring.

It didn't take long for the extended family to start questioning me. A cousin, who had always been particularly nasty, approached first. "Why are you here, Alex? Thought you were too good for us now that you're an Azure?"

"I was invited," I replied evenly, trying to keep my cool.

"Invited?" another cousin sneered. "We all know you're just here to make a scene. You've always been a drama queen."

The urge to respond with something unsavory about them bubbled up, but I held my tongue. These people were always looking for a reason to berate me. They acted like vultures, waiting for a chance to pounce on anything they considered a weakness.

Madison stepped in, her presence immediately silencing the chatter. "I invited him," she stated firmly.

One particularly nasty cousin glared at me. "You invited him? The guy who's always been a disgrace to this family? The one who's flaunting his... lifestyle in our faces?"

Madison's expression hardened. "Watch your mouth. Alex has every right to be here."

"Right," the cousin spat. "He's married to a man! What kind of example is that? And you—Madison, you're pathetic for even considering inviting him. He's always been an embarrassment."

Madison didn't flinch. "You don't know what you're talking about. Alex is family, and he's here to pay his respects to his brother, just like the rest of us."

The argument escalated, their voices rising. "Respects? To Tony? The guy who made everyone's life hell? Including yours, Madison. You think Alex is any better? He's just here to rub salt in the wound."

"Enough!" Madison's voice cut through the noise like a knife. "Alex is here because I personally invited him. If you have a problem with that, you can leave."

Madison's three kids watched the exchange cautiously. As the confrontation simmered down, Madison turned to me. "Thank you for coming, Alex," she said quietly.

I nodded, remembering Jasper's advice. "My condolences," I offered, trying my best to sound sincere.

Across the room, Helen saw me and gave a curt nod before turning her attention elsewhere. The atmosphere was tense, the focus shifting awkwardly from Tony to the family drama.

Everywhere I looked, nasty glares were being thrown my way. Jasper, sensing the intensity, shifted uncomfortably. The whispers behind us were impossible to ignore.

"How does he have the audacity to show his face here?" one family member hissed.

"He hasn't changed a bit, still as shameless as ever," another muttered.

I turned to stare them down, my glare silencing them instantly.

In the middle of this tension, the daughter of a distant aunt marched up to Tony's body and started taking the rings off his fingers. "These belong to me," she declared.

"Hey!"

She was quickly escorted out, but not before returning with a baseball bat, yelling, "I'm here to claim my property!"

The security had to forcibly remove her with some police as she screamed, "You can't keep what's mine!"

As if this wasn't enough, the door dramatically opened, and my brother's longest-running mistress walked in. I nudged Jasper excitedly. "Oh my god! She was Madison's maid of honor at their wedding!"

"Messy," Jasper commented, eyes wide with interest.

Madison's face darkened. She stood up, her frail frame suddenly full of energy. "What the hell are you doing here?" she demanded.

The mistress smirked. "I have as much right to be here as you do, Madison."

The exchange escalated quickly. Madison, despite her illness, uppercut the mistress, sending her out of her heels and to the floor. The woman was dragged out screaming by security, and the service finally started with a priest attempting to bring some semblance of order to the chaos.

During the hymn, one of my aunts behind us sang very loudly and off-key, making the already somber mood unbearable. About half an hour in, in an attempt not to laugh at her attention grabbing antics, I excused myself to the bathroom with Jasper. As we walked in, we saw three cousins giggling at the sink, one snorting something off a dollar bill.

They froze when they saw us. "Oh, hey, Alexander," one stammered.

"Really? At a funeral?" Jasper was shocked at their audacity. "Do you guys have no respect in Gods house?"

"Don't mind them," I shrugged. "Carry on."

They hurried out, leaving us alone. "What a mess," Jasper muttered.

When we returned, the eulogies had already started. Each one was more self-centered than the last.

Aunt Linda droned on about how Tony owed her money from investments. "He always said he'd pay me back. Now, I guess that debt is just gone unless someone else wants to take it on." She said before shooting Madison a look.

Uncle Hamish talked about how he deserved Tony's designer watch collection. "I mean, who else is going to appreciate them like I do? None of you have the tools to handle them correctly in the first place."

Cousin Gina complained about not getting enough recognition. "I've done so much for this family, and nobody ever thanks me for it. Why are you thanking him now that he's dead? This is a lesson to thank me while I'm still alive!"

It was clear that nobody really cared about Tony's death and just wanted some attention. One aunt even blamed Madison for his suicide. "If she had been a better wife to him, maybe he wouldn't have done it."

Tony's best friend stumbled to the lectern, reeking of alcohol. Apparently, he had been drinking since last night and was in the middle of a two day bender. He slurred his words, repeating himself and weaving back and forth. "Tony was... Tony was a good guy. Real good guy. Always... always had a joke... or two...two Jews and a black guy walk into a bar..."

When he started telling the off-color joke, the minister stepped in. "Thank you, that's enough," he said firmly, cutting him off.

The will reading was the final straw.

Everything Tony had withheld from everyone went to Madison and their children. Just a few properties and assets, but enough to stir envy.

"This is bullshit!" a cousin yelled. "He promised me the lake house!"

"You think you deserve it? You're a lazy piece of shit!" another retorted.

The argument quickly escalated. "You're just jealous because you got nothing!"

"At least I'm not a leech like you!"

"You've always been a gold-digger!"

"And you're a fucking idiot!"

Fists flew, and soon, a full-on fight broke out. Uncles punched cousins, brothers punched grandfathers. Even the priest got involved, trying to separate the brawlers.

Jasper kept me safe and out of the way as soon as the brawl started, but I watched as my pregnant cousin was punched in the stomach by my scumbag nephew.

Amidst the chaos, an ancient relative in a wheelchair was abandoned by his care taker, who joined the fray. The wheelchair, now untethered, began rolling down the aisle.

"WARRRGHHHH!" the old man screamed, careening towards the fight.

After about twenty minutes, things calmed down, but the atmosphere had soured. Insults flew towards Madison.

"This is all your fault!"

"You ruined him!"

"You're a disgrace!"

Madison sat there, letting the comments roll off her like water. Her children glared at anyone who spoke to her, offering silent support.

"Should we step in?" Jasper asked.

I shook my head. "No, this isn't our fight."

An old aunt stormed out of the bathroom, clutching a fistful of tampons. "THIS IS INAPPROPRIATE! THERE ARE CHILDREN HERE!" she screamed, throwing them at the funeral director, breaking the tension.

As if things couldn't get any worse, a beautiful woman walked in with two young children. They looked suspiciously like Tony.

Way too much like Tony actually.

Oh god! They're Tony's affair children, aren't they? I'd always suspected it but never had any proof!

"Who are you?" a cousin demanded.

"I'm Tony's wife," the woman declared loudly.

Jasper and I exchanged shocked glances. "No way," I whispered. She must be the wife who sent those thugs then. "It wasn't Madison. It was her."

"That makes sense. I didn't get a vibe like that from Madison." Jasper whisper back just as invested in the drama unfolding.

"I'm Cherry Todd."

"You are not married to my husband!"

Cherry didn't back down. "We have two children together. He was there for their births. We spent every weekend together as husband and wife."

Madison looked exhausted. "You're not the first woman he pulled that fake marriage crap on. He's nothing but a liar."

Cherry pulled out photos of their vacations together and their marriage certificate. "See? He loved us."

Madison's face crumpled. "You have no idea what he was really like."

"Maybe he needed a second family because you weren't enough," Cherry shot back.

It took four people to hold Madison's daughter back from hitting Cherry. Jasper, meanwhile, was on his phone, looking at Facebook. He had found Tony's second profile under a different name.

"Look at this," he whispered, showing me photos of Tony with Cherry and their kids in what looked like regular interactions, living a double life.

The drama escalated to the point where the priest ended the service early. "Everyone, please leave in an orderly manner."

As we exited, my drunk uncle flipped everyone off. "Fuck all of you! Tony promised me that fucking boat!"

In the parking lot, we all found our cars keyed. The cousins from the bathroom approached, looking ready to fight.

"Don't tell anyone what you saw," one threatened.

"I don't give a fuck about what you do," I replied. "Go away."

Helen walked up, and we had a brief chat. "Let's give things a few weeks before we start our feud again," she suggested.

"Agreed," I nodded.

As I got in the car, I felt drained. The entire day had been chaotic and not at all sad and it wasn't even over yet. I didn't remember my extended family ever being this embarrassing.

At the burial site, the mood was still foul. Another family member was taking photos of everything, including selfies with Tony's corpse. Close relatives were on their phones, kids included.

A grief-stricken aunt tipped Tony's casket, holding up the service, wailing and trying to climb inside. It was more inappropriate than sad.

A friend tried to give Tony a drink of whiskey, spilling it everywhere. He was forcibly removed because he wouldn't stop pouring the drink.

When Tony's body was being lowered into the ground, the dramatic aunt lunged again. Multiple people restrained her as she clawed at the casket.

At the conclusion of the service, as everyone took turns throwing in dirt, that aunt tried to be dramatic again. This time, while being dramatic with the dirt, she slipped on the mud and fell into the grave hurting herself. Jasper and I doubled over in laughter, earning disapproving looks as we tossed in our handfuls of dirt on top of her.

"I'm sorry, Minister," jasper tried behind his fits of laughter. "The devils hot on my tail right now."

"If you need a confession, please return to the church. Otherwise, You should go!" The minister snapped. Jasper and I nodded and left the graveside.

Walking back to the car, Jasper finally asked, "Why was the funeral such a disaster? It was a mockery. I can see why they couldn't let the service go on."

I burst out laughing, and he joined in. "I don't ever remember them being that dramatic," I said, still chuckling.

"I've never been to such a circus!"

"That's the Todd family."

"I've never been so entertained at a funeral, Sugar. I think we did well."

The day had been a whirlwind of drama and chaos, a fitting tribute to the bullshit Tony had left behind.

A messy legacy for a messy guy.