Alchemist in MHA

I will my eyes to open and the sight in front of me is, well it's underwhelming. In front of me are two 'people', they scream at each other.

"YOU GODDAMN RAT THERE'S A REASON NOBODY LIKES YOU SO BETTER GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!"

"YOU KNOW FUCKING WELL I DON'T WANT TO BE HERE WITH YOU, YOU DISGUSTING BIRDBRAIN!!!"

They sit at normal wooden tables in front of me. The one on the left is an angel or at least looks like one. Blonde hair, blue sparkling eyes, white wings on her back, giant boobs and wears ancient-looking robes, 100% angel.

The person on the left is the complete opposite, he wears a blood-red tuxedo with golden and black characteristics. He has fire red skin, black hair, and 10cm longhorns on his forehead.

I didn't expect two beings, I thought to be fictional, to argue in front of me but I didn't expect anything when I died, I mean killed myself, I mean got to sleep. Wait what are those memories? Who am I?

"Arghh" I groan slightly trying not to panic.

"WHAT HAVE YOU DONE YOU STUPID GOAT NOW HE HAS AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS."

"WAIT I THOUGHT YOU FAT VULTURE WOULD EXPLAIN EVERYTHING TO HIM I'M A DEMON FOR FUCKS SAKE!!!! HOW EASY DO YOU THINK IT IS FOR ME TO EXPLAIN HIS DEATH?!?!?!?"

"ARGH JUST FUCK YOU, YOU'RE AN ASSHOLE! ANYWAYS, Boy look me in the eyes just forget what happened in your mind right now and concentrate on my eyes."

I do as the angel told me to, ignoring all the confusion in my head.

"Okay good, good very goooooood."

"That's what your mom told me last night too"

"YOU CRAZY BASTARD I'LL GET YOUR HEAD THE NEXT TIME YOU SAY SOMETHING LIKE THIS AGAIN!!!!"

"MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA!!!"

The demon falls over while laughing like a psycho. He continues to laugh but, I'm again alone in my mind thinking about all the memories I have inside my brain.

I was human. Male, I think. My hobbies were looking at cats and dogs. I disliked being hit. I was in my late 30. Ok, wait why is everything I know about myself so generic, so average?

I only remember dying itself, when I think about the causes of my death a hundred different ones are coming to mind.

"Ok Ok just get this over with. MORTAL! Look me in the eyes while I will explain everything to you."

The big boobs angel begins to talk again.

"First of you are dead nothing special about it. Secondly, your soul gets sold to the highest bidder in either hell or heaven. Now that is not everything it has to it, because your single human soul is worth nothing we put a large number of souls together and merged them into a super big soul."

"You are male simply because you're comparable to a newborn deciding what it wants to be."

"Now let the auction BEGIN"

Behind the angel, massive amounts of people appear sitting and standing behind her most of them have wings or something divine around them. This group of auctioneers is not only made out of angels but of creatures likely to be of good alignment.

Monsters, devils, demons, and just disgusting creatures appear behind the demon. Some of them look like slimy clumps of flesh with mouths where the skin is supposed to be and tentacle-like arms. This group of 'things' has clearly an evil alignment.

Last but not least is the neutral alignment or at least that's what I think they are. They sit in the middle between divine and hellish. Their species range from dragon to gnome. From titan to hydra, they have no leader and seem to represent themselves at my auction.

(Some hours later)

This is just the worst! These offers are downright rip-offs. The people wanting to buy me don't pay the organizer like at a normal auction but pay me directly, so I can choose which offer to accept. First I thought it would be great.

BUT IT ISN'T. The people here offer things like a piece of garlic bread in exchange for my souls. To be honest the only Ok deals are the ones given by the neutral aligned creatures. The angels want my soul to endlessly destroy demons and stuff and as a reward, I get to be thankful to god.

The devils, well they're worse who would've thought! They don't take this seriously, most of them just cry out something stupid like giving me goddamn garlic bread and almost die laughing after it. They're like a group of 13-year-olds constantly snickering and laughing at the worst jokes. Some of them just point their finger at me and start laughing before saying their jokes.

The people with neutral alignment at least take this seriously and give good offers. The demon announced in the beginning, that I have 12 hours to sell my soul or else get extinguished, with only three hours left for a deal.

The one I would take if nothing better shows up is a work offer. I basically work for her for a few millennia with an immortal body and after it, I'm allowed to take the body and live till I get murdered.

(10 minutes till the end of the auction)

The offers are just the worst and the one I would take if nobody gave me a better one was taken back (something almost nobody did) and my time runs out.

(8 minutes till the end of the auction)

"How bout dis: I get your soul and you get Deez. DEEEEEZ NUTS HUAUHUHUAHAHAHAHAHHAHA" Some demon screeched followed by immense laughter in the evil crowd

(4 minutes till the end of the auction)

"When you take our offer you will be able to wield God's flag and strike in the enemy lines with our angelic brothers" Archangel Uriel recommends the mortal gaining nods of approval from the holy creatures around him.

(1 minute till end of the auction)

A man with a white doctor coat steps out of the neutral crowd, he looks wrinkled with his gray hair, giving off the look of an old man, and seems to be frail, but if you would look closely you could see a muscle mass rivaling even the giants here.

"If you take my offer you will be reincarnated with your memories intact but you need to give me a third of your total souls and follow 6 of my commands to a good degree"

Having no good alternative the collection of human souls immediately springs up and screams

"DEAL DEAL !! JUST ACCEPT MISTER PLEASE!!! IT'S A FUCKING DEAL"

The man in a white coat comes forward, while all other buyers slowly get up and vanish in the darkness. The man gives the collection of human souls a firm handshake opening his mouth and uttering

"It's a fucking deal, my boy"