session 8

1.Made in Aba

Akpos was sitting at a bar, and thinking about his life, when all of a sudden, Ironman, the town's most notorious thug smacks Akpos in the face and says"That's KUNG FU, made in Japan".A while later, Ironman the thug smacks Akpos again and says "That's KARATE, made in Korea", then sat at the bar and started drinking.Akpos gets up and leaves the bar. A short time later he comes back and smacks Ironman, the thug, knocking him out cold and he said to the barman, "When that IMBECILE wakes up, tell him that was a SHOVEL, made in ABA!"

2.School Fees Calculation.

TEACHER: If your father is owing N2000 for your school fees and he pays only N1000, how much is he now owing for your school fees?AKPOS: N2000 ma.TEACHER: (surprised) N2000? How is it N2000?AKPOS: It's N2000 because I know my daddy will not pay at all.

3.Die For Me?

Akpos was trying to prove his love for his girlfriend and the following conversation ensued.AKPOS: I can do anything for you. I can swim the oceans for you. I can run round the world for you, all for your love.GIRLFRIEND: (Flattered) OK. I have one question for you.AKPOS: What?GIRLFRIEND: Can you die for me?AKPOS: Nooo! My love for you is an undying love.

4.What's Your Excuse

TEACHER: It is very clear that you have not studied your geography. What's your excuse?AKPOS: Well, my dad says the world is changing everyday, so I decided to wait until it settles down.

5.Proverb Class

TEACHER: We are going to learn proverbs today. Who has an example to share?

STUDENT 1: A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.

STUDENT 2: A crab does not give birth to a bird.

AKPOS: Many are mad but few are roaming! One word for Akpos

6.My Mother

Akpos' wife was packing her clothes when Akpos walked in.AKPOS: Where are you going?WIFE: I am moving in with my mother!A few minutes later, Akpos also started packing.His wife walked in:WIFE: Where the hell do you think you are going?AKPOS: I am also moving in with my mother.WIFE: What about the kids?AKPOS: They should also move in with their mother since everyone is moving in with their mother! The wife unpacks!

7.Another Husband

KWAME: Why do you want to divorce your Wife? I thought you two were madly in love?AKPOS: She smiles a lot when she sleeps, I think she's has another husband in her DREAMS!

8.The Beautiful Neighbour

Akpos was shocked to see his beautiful divorced neighbour knocking on his door one Friday evening."I'm feeling so lonely that I can't stand it." she said. "I want to go out, get drunk and want to enjoy my life. Are you free tonight?""Yes!" Akpos replied enthusiastically."Wonderful." she said. "Would you watch my kids?"Akpos nearly fainted.

9.Burning Cars

POLICEMAN: Sir, why did you set those vehicles on fire.

AKPOS: Because my doctor said I should burn more "Car-Lorries".

10.Black Circle

Akpos went to a native doctor and requested to know how bright his destiny would be. The native doctor drew a circle with a white chalk and another circle with a black chalk.After that, he placed a dead millipede on the floor and asked Akpos to watch carefully. He said he would recite some incantation to make the dead millipede start crawling. He told Akpos that if the millipede crawls into the white circle, it means that his destiny will be bright but if it crawls inside the black circle, it means his destiny will be dark.Finally he started his incantation and the dead millipede started crawling. When it got in between the two circles, it turned and started crawling towards the black circle.Akpos watched and immediately it was about entering the black circle, Akpos picked it and gently dropped it inside the white circle.The native doctor who got furious asked Akpos why he did that. Akpos replied, "I won't fold my arms and watch my destiny crawl into darkness because my destiny is in my hands."

11.Armed Robbery Attack

Ochuko and Akpos were travelling to Enugu in the same bus. In the bus, Ochuko persistently reminded Akpos about the money Akpos was owing him, asking him when he will pay back.Suddenly, armed robbers attacked the bus. They made them lie down on the rough surface of the road and demanded money from them, one after the other.Before they got to Akpos, he suddenly threw his wallet in the direction of Ochuko and said, "Ochuko, that is the money I have been owing you for a very long time, I have paid you o."One word for Akpos.

12.Uncanny Resurrection

Akpos spent the night with his mistress and comes back in the morning.WIFE: Where have you been? Where did you sleep?AKPOS: At Johnny's place, he lost his sister.WIFE: OK...you can eat your food, I'm going to the bathroom.[After bathing]WIFE: I'm going out...AKPOS: Where are you going to?WIFE: To Johnny's, need to check how they are doing.AKPOS: Honey, they called the time you were bathing and told me she rose from the dead!

13.Rejection of Rejection Letter

Dear Sir,

Thank you for your letter of 5th August, 2010. After careful consideration I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me employment with your company. This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of employers, it is impossible for me to accept all refusals. Despite your companys outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet my needs at this time.

Therefore I will start work with your company on Monday 20th of October, 2020 at 8:30 am. I look forward to seeing you then.

Yours Faithfully

Akpos

14.Different Generations

Akpos looked at himself in a mirror and then looked at his grandfather and askedAKPOS: Did God make you grandpaGRANDPA: Yes, yes He did!AKPOS: Did He also make me?GRANDPA: Of course!Akpos kept starring at the mirror for a while then turned to his grandfather.AKPOS: Don't you think God is doing a better job these days?

15.The Truth

Akpos talking to his wife, Cynthia:CYNTHIA: I'm I beautiful? AKPOS: Yes! CYNTHIA: I'm I smart? AKPOS: Yes! CYNTHIA: I'm I one in a million? AKPOS: Yes! CYNTHIA: Why are you just saying yes to all my questions? AKPOS: Because the truth is bitter.

16.Do It Again

AKPOS: Boss, you called me?

BOSS: Yes, go home and make love with your wife. You need it.

AKPOS: (after an hour, he called his boss) Done sir.

BOSS: Do it again.

AKPOS: Done again, sir.

BOSS: Do it once more.

AKPOS: Sir! I'm too weak to do it again. I've lost all strength.

BOSS: Very good, come back to work.

(15 minutes later...)

BOSS: Here are my car keys, drop my daughter at home.

17.The Right Process

TEACHER: The process of developing from a child to an adult is called? AKPOS: ADULTERY!

18.A Little Help

Akpos has been admiring his neighbour's wife for quite sometime now. The neighbour's wife always gives him this seductive smile whenever they greet each other. Akpos didn't know how to approach the lady to tell her of his desires because she's married.So, one day the lady approached Akpos alone in his apartment and the following conversation transpired:AKPOS: Hi.LADY: Hi.AKPOS: Is everything alright?LADY: (smiling seductively) Yes. Just need a little help from you.AKPOS: (sheepishly grinning). Ok. What kind of help?LADY: (stuttering) I... I... I just don't know how to say this. I'll be so ashamed of myself if I ask and you say no.AKPOS: (getting excited at the prospect of her demand). Oh! You don't have to. I am ready to do anything for you.LADY: You know, it's been over 3 weeks since my husband travelled...AKPOS: (very excited now) Yes! Yes! Yes!LADY: (she continues) ...And even when he's around, he has some... (she paused for a moment), he has some form of disability and he hasn't been able to perform his manly duties.AKPOS: Oh poor you! You must have been going through hell!LADY: I know you are much stronger and able than he is.AKPOS: Of course.LADY: Will you be able to help me?AKPOS: (In cloud 9 now) Wow! Now? Sure, I'm ready if you are ready.LADY: Oh thank goodness! that's why I came to you. Can you help me carry the deep freezer from our kitchen to the next street for repairs?

19.Football In Heaven

There were two old guys, Akpos and Emeka, sitting on a bench outside Emeka's house and talking about football, just like they did every day. Akpos turns to Emeka and says, "Do you think there's football in heaven?" Emeka thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno, Akpos. But let's make a deal: If I die first, I will come back and tell you, and if you die first, you come back and tell me, if there is football in heaven." They shake on it and, sadly, a few months later poor Akpos passes on. One day soon afterward, Emeka is sitting on the bench by himself when he hears a voice whisper, "Emeka... Emeka...." Emeka responds, "Akpos! Is that you?" "Yes it is me, Emeka," whispers the spirit of Akpos. Emeka, still amazed, asks, "So, is there football in heaven?" "Well," says Akpos, "I got good news and I got bad news." "Give me the good news first," says Emeka. Akpos says, "Well... there is football in heaven." Akpos sighs and whispers, "But you're playing on Friday."

20.Dumb Mum

AKPOS: Mum, when I grow up, I will marry a woman who is much prettier than you are.MUM: That was what your father said to his mum, but he ended up marrying a baboon!

21.Obituary

Akpos and his son were listening to a radio broadcast. Eventually, the son looked at his dad and said, "Papa! These people are making a very big mistake." Akpos asked him, "Son. what is the matter?" His son replied, "When Mr Obi died, they announced 'OBITUARY' and now Mr. Okoro is dead but they still announced obituary again instead of "OKOROTUARY"