4 Aspirations

"There's an extra room down the hall for you to sleep. I think there's food in the fridge." I muttered,closing the door. This was either going to go really well or really bad.

"Okay. Let me get my things I'll be right back." Natasha said before leaving.

My eyelids became heavier and heavier, I wanted to sleep so bad..but I couldn't. The nightmares were to much. I jumped upon hearing Natasha enter. I looked at her,studying her,after a moment it got a little awkward and she spoke.

"Do you get nightmares often?" She asked,putting her things by the door before sitting by me.

"Yeah..I get them every night." I mumbled.

"What do you see?"

I stayed quiet for a moment,deciding if I should even respond to the question. "Why do you care?" I asked,curious.

She shrugged,looking down. "I have my reasons."

I leaned back in my chair and avoided making eye contact. "I see myself hurting people." I admitted. "All the bad things I did just replay in my head over and over."

Natasha nodded,her expression unreadable. "What do you remember?"

I frowned. "Well..mostly bad things that happened to me. The only good things are my sister and..you I guess." I glanced at her for a moment but then looked away. "I want to start again but I don't think I deserve it, if that makes sense.."

"You have to live your life, not waste it worrying on what the future holds. That's the only way you can move on." Natasha explained.

I stared at her for a while,taking in her words. After a moment I spoke. "But how? How can I continue if I can't remember..?"

"I can help you with that." She studied me for a moment before making eye contact once again. "If you'll let me of course.."

I nodded. "I guess I can live with that...but I want to remember everything, I want to know Bucky Barnes. I want to really know him but I can't...I can't remember.." I said in a defeated tone.

"I think I have an idea..." she took out her phone, and began typing something. When she finished she looked outside through the window. "It's getting late. You should sleep."

I crossed my arms, knowing that arguing wasn't going to get me anywhere. "Fine." I muttered, walking to my room. I laid down on the bed and closed my eyes, eventually drifting off to sleep.

**I found myself in a room,the walls were grey, there were no windows,nothing in the room except for me and the young girl who stood before me...

She was wearing a black tang top and black pants, her hair up in a pony tail, her eyes were focused, determined. She watched my every move like a panther stalking it's prey.

But she wouldn't best me. Not this time.

She ran towards me,attempting to take me down but as usual it was no use..

I grabbed her, slamming her against the wall,my metal hand digging into her skin. I didn't care how much I hurt her at the time. I didn't care about anything at the time. My mind was numb almost..feeling nothing...saying nothing..

The young girl looked at me with wide eyes,begging me not to kill her, but I didn't listen, until I heard a voice outside the room.

"Soldier! Release her!" The voice snapped, a young man entered the lifeless room.

I let go, watching the girl fall to the ground. She looked up at me, her expression terrified as she stood back up, stepping as far away from me as she could.

The man looked at the girl. "Get up Natasha!" He demanded and quickly Natasha left the room. When she left the man followed her, leaving me alone.

Then...time seemed to pass as I was in the same room except, Natasha was older, stronger, more confident.

I took a deep breath and made my first move, thrusting towards her with my knife in hand.

But she stopped my attack, forcing the knife out of my hand, taking it and holding it against my throat. She smiled evilly, her eyes saying "I finally beat you.."

I was to shocked at her quick attack that I didn't react. I just stood there, eyes wide.

The same man from before walked in, telling Natasha to leave. He looked at me and signaled for me to follow...

And so I did, following him through the halls, leading to a room I knew all to well. I stopped in front of the open door, staring at the chair..I knew what was coming but I had no choice. I entered, sitting down.

I felt the restraints tighten on my wrists and ankles, the metal digging into my skin. I took a shaky breath as I felt metal press on my left temple and cheek. I closed my eyes, waiting...and there it was, the surging pain in my skull, I had been stabbed, shot, beaten, I even had my arm ripped off...but nothing compared to this. I could feel all my memories being ripped away, everything that had started to slowly come back to me was gone in an instant. My mind was completely blank now..the perfect canvas for destruction and chaos.

This was my punishment..every time I failed.

And after that I never did...**

I woke up to Natasha standing by me, her eyes wide and her expression terrified. "Are you..are you okay?"

I sat up, looking around, nothing was destroyed thankfully. I shook my head, not wanting to say anything.

Natasha sat by me, looking at the floor as she spoke. "You were screaming..." she began. "Do you want to talk about it?"

I shook my head again. God, I hated that she kept seeing me this way...vulnerable..weak..I disgusted myself sometimes.

"Okay.." she then looked back at me. "We're going to fix this. I promise..."

I nodded and stayed quiet for a moment before finally speaking. "Can...can you stay here?" I asked sheepishly.

She gave me a small smile before nodding. She laid down by me,her face was just inches from mine.

I could feel my face heat up, thinking about her being just a little closer. I turned around, my back now facing her. This was stupid. Why did I even ask? I rolled my eyes, annoyed with myself. I then closed my eyes and went to sleep.

I woke up the next day, Natasha in my arms, she was awake, doing something on her phone, I felt as if my heart was going to come out of my chest. I was very surprised that she was so calm considering the past...it was as if she had forgotten everything I had done or she simply didn't care. Either way it was kind of comforting..

Upon realizing I was awake she looked at me with a smile. "No nightmares."

I just nodded and moved away from her, slightly embarrassed.

"Do you feel any better?" She asked, standing up.

I nodded, giving her a reassuring smile. "Yeah, I feel better. Thank you."

"Anytime." She walked to the kitchen. "You hungry?"

"No..I'm good." I replied, half listening to what she was saying and half thinking about how close we were....how calm she was around me..how she didn't seem to care about what I did..it reassured me that maybe things wouldn't be all that bad after all. I now had hope.

And that was the best feeling I've felt in a long time..