31 Soulmate

~"Our fingers align,

As they intertwine,

You break my heart wide open~"~

The minutes felt like hours as the van whizzed down the roads of Seoul, Namjoon's jaw ticking anxiously and his head counting down the seconds until the vehicle would pull up on the curb outside Ji Ah's apartment complex. So Min couldn't be sure if the videographer had indeed returned home but somehow, the rapper knew that that was exactly where his girlfriend was likely to be. He was still trying to fathom what was happening; it all felt like a horribly convoluted labyrinth he couldn't find his way out of. Ji Ah had just taken off without an explanation and this tugged at his heartstrings in agony. To say he was confused and upset would be a massive and absolutely humorous understatement. But Namjoon didn't feel like laughing.

The high-rise towered before him as the van halted to a stop, Sejin twisting in the driver's seat to face the rapper. "You sure you want to do this? You could be overreacting," he stated in the usual calm demeanor he exhibited effortlessly and Namjoon was almost envious. He was also aware that his manager had a point, that it was more than possible Ji Ah had been summoned away on some work-related business or maybe Ah Ra had needed her sister.

But then he recollected the videographer's wild eyes last night, the urgency with which she had gripped him, the desperation with which she had kissed him as if committing the shape of his lips to memory. And something was wrong. Namjoon could feel it.

"I'll be back in a while," he replied tersely and watched Sejin let out a sigh. "Don't wait for me. I'll figure out a way to get back." Namjoon already knew he would be calling him or perhaps Seokjin to pick him up. He had a desolate intuition that Ji Ah wouldn't be offering to drive him to the dorm tonight. What did that say about this situation?

Something I definitely don't want to know, he mused worriedly.

Sliding out of the car, he pulled his jacket tighter around his frame and jogged the few steps to the revolving doors of the complex. The interior was dim and quiet, the blinking lights of the elevator beckoning him towards the carriage, the air heavy with a silent melancholy and each step that Namjoon took made him feel like he was walking into something he would never return unaltered from. After tonight, something would definitely change.

This conviction was only strengthened when the elevator doors pinged open on Ji Ah's floor and when his raps on her door were answered instantly. For a second, he had feared the videographer wouldn't answer, but she had. And Namjoon didn't know if he should be relieved or terrified. Ji Ah greeted him with a pallid smile, letting him in wordlessly and the rapper was the first to break the silence.

"Why did you leave without a word?" he asked as soon as the door had slammed shut. A twinge of sorrow glinted in Ji Ah's eyes but it vanished as quickly as it had appeared.

"And hello to you too," she teased, but there was no mistaking the quiver in her voice. The living room was bathed in a bright hue and the couch gleamed in the light as Ji Ah motioned for him to take a seat. He did as he was told, unable to relax and a pressing sensation-sorrow?-loomed over him. "How was the concert? I'm hearing a lot of people bawled their eyes out, including you guys."

Namjoon didn't miss the way her eyes flitted over the room, refusing to meet his, didn't miss the clothes she had donned, clothes which suggested she was going somewhere. "Ji Ah," he interceded quietly and her shoulders sagged in defeat, as if knowing she couldn't divert his attention anymore. "What the hell is going on? Why are you dressed like you're about to go somewhere at this time of night?" He sounded rougher than he had meant to but the videographer didn't wince.

"Because I am."

Namjoon could only stare, his mouth opening wide in shock as he processed her answer. "What are you talking about?"

Ji Ah knew she couldn't deceive him, she didn't even want to. It was about time she came clear and Namjoon deserved to know exactly what was going on. She owed him that much. "There's...there's this training program in Ilsan that I've been assigned to instruct at. And I need to be there first thing tomorrow morning so I thought it would make sense to leave right away." She watched the rapper carefully but all she could discern was puzzlement flickering across his features.

"Ilsan? Why didn't you tell me this before?" he asked, hurt in his voice and eyes clouding with disbelief. "You didn't think I was going to stop you, did you?"

The pain threatened to overwhelm Ji Ah and she struggled to answer. "Of course not, Joon-ah, I know you would never do that. You'd..." she trailed off, not knowing how to continue, not when Namjoon was hanging onto her every word like his very being depended on it and she couldn't breathe.

"Encourage you?" he prompted, not waiting for Ji Ah to respond. "Because I would, as if there was any question of that. I think it's a great opportunity and you should totally do it," the rapper quickly stated, his eyes straining to gauge the videographer's reaction. But something in her features induced a crippling feeling of dread within him. "But that's not all, is it?"

"I'm...I'm considering staying in Ilsan for a while, Namjoon," she replied after a few seconds of deathly silence. "Even after the program ends." Ji Ah gnawed at her lower lip, every nerve in her body rebelling against the words she was saying, as if they didn't want her to separate herself from Namjoon, as if they recognized how perfectly their bodies fit and that it would be a grave sin to rip them apart.

"But...but that doesn't mean we can't see each other right?" Namjoon hated the hint of desperation which was clawing at his skin. "We could take some time off from work and find a way to meet up." His voice was like a plea and Ji Ah hated what she was about to do.

~But it has to be done.~

"Namjoon," she began in a low voice, lacing their fingers together and meeting his gaze firmly this time, "It won't work." Dejection, utter dejection was what flared in his eyes but she held up a finger to silence the tirade that was no doubt going to follow. "Hear me out, please?" He nodded, too curtly and Ji Ah's heart shattered.

"I've been thinking for the past few days, thinking about you, about us. But I've been thinking about me, too. And I've realized that I'm nowhere close to accepting myself completely, to loving myself. The uncertainty was always there, you know? And I tried to ignore it and push myself till everything was a blur of responsibility and passivity and I was like a machine devoid of emotions, smothered under the weight of expectations. But when I met you, I felt like I had been blessed with a second chance to rediscover myself. All those years ago when I told you to love yourself, I never once realized that it was I who really needed the advice." She paused, searching for signs of comprehension on Namjoon's face. The rapper had gone utterly still, something like understanding flickering in his eyes. "You've found your path. It's my turn now."

"Why didn't you ever talk to me about any of this?" he asked quietly, head reeling from Ji Ah's confession. All this time, he thought she was content, happy, never thinking she could be afflicted with the same kinds of fears that he had grappled with. "You know I would always support you. You were the one who propelled me towards wanting to believe in myself, Ji Ah. And I do. I'm finally getting to the point where I can be myself without any constraints. And no matter what you say, you've been an important part of the journey." He looked straight at her and all she wanted was to retract her words and drown in his scent. "I've never forgotten about you. Not once for the past eight years."

The videographer's eyes widened, her hand clamping over her mouth to bite back a sob. "I'm so proud of you, Joonie. And I want to be proud of myself, too. I want to reach that point too, just like you. But it's a journey I have to embark on alone and you know it."

Namjoon did know it; he had been there himself and he had no right to dissuade Ji Ah. But the realization didn't make it hurt any less. "You know that's all I want for you; to be able to love yourself like I love you."

"I have a long way to go, Namjoon," she replied with a small smile, her fingers tightening around the rapper's who squeezed them in return. "But I know I'll get there someday. Just like you did." Her lips curved into a grin, the first signs of real mirth she had displayed in all the while he had been here. "We're each other's biggest inspiration, right?"

Namjoon didn't reply, silently exploring her face and etching the curves of her eyebrows, the crinkles around her lips, the fringes spilling over her forehead, onto his mind. "I have a proposal for you."

Ji Ah stiffened at the sudden words, hand going slack where it rested in Namjoon's. "A proposal?"

"Yes. A proposal, a pact if you will, to meet again once we've both found ourselves entirely, once we've both learned to accept and love and be who we are," the rapper whispered, leaning forward to press a kiss against Ji Ah's cold cheek. She shivered at the contact, her fingers aching to feel the warmth emanating from him.

"I accept," she answered softly and Namjoon kissed her, fervently and gently, devouring the taste of her lips and pulling back to revel in their aftertaste. Ji Ah's eyes glistened with unshed tears and he could feel the sting in his own, too.

"Let me at least see you to your car," he prodded but Ji Ah shook her head. She rose, smoothening her clothes and shrugging on a coat draped on the chair beside the couch.

"All my resolve will crumble," she replied with a teasing lilt to her voice and Namjoon chuckled despite everything. Despite the fact the Ji Ah was leaving, despite the fact that he didn't know when they would meet again. Despite the fact that his heart was screaming at him to stop her. But Namjoon knew how she felt, like he also knew that she needed this, needed someone to spur her on like she had spurred him on all those years ago. And besides, this wasn't goodbye. Namjoon was sure of it.

A few minutes later, Ji Ah emerged from her room tugging her suitcase and overnight handbag. "We can walk down together though," she pointed out but Namjoon shook his head.

"My resolve to let you go will crumble." The words left a bad taste on his tongue but the rapper held himself back from striding across the room and embracing Ji Ah until she agreed to stay. But that wasn't the solution and he knew it, like he had known for a while that he still had some ways to go before committing to a relationship with someone who meant the world to him and deserved the best he could give.

I'll get there, too, Ji Ah, just you wait, he resolved silently.

What an irony that she was leaving him with a life-lesson once again. "Besides, Seokjin Hyung is coming to pick me up so I think I'll just stay here instead of freezing out on the curb."

Ji Ah laughed then, the lofty sound reverberating around the space and Namjoon memorized every note of it. She rolled her suitcase to the door, her hand clutching the handle as she turned to face him hesitatingly. She was leaving, like she had eight years ago but this time, the rapper knew without a doubt he would see her again. "Namjoon, will you wait for me?"

"Always."

***

Two Weeks Later

The scent of Christmas hung in the air, the snow enveloping the city of Ilsan in white, encasing the pavements and treetops. Namjoon stood before the giant Christmas tree erected smack in the middle of the city square, his mask pulled up to conceal his features as he waited. Clouds darkened the night sky, a chill descending over the space and his eyes flitted upwards. It's going to snow, he thought, his gaze returning to the beautiful sight before him.

The pine-crusted branches were glimmering with dangling ornaments which glittered in the lights. Tiny bells jingled and swayed from the jagged edges, their sound ringing through the courtyard. The encrusted tree lit up the entire street, frilled décor hanging from scaffoldings and gleaming in the gazebo which was positioned right beside it. The aroma of caramel and candy wafted in the air and Namjoon rubbed his gloved palms together, his breath puffing around him in frosty waves.

Honestly, the rapper wasn't sure she would come. The past two weeks had been tough without the spunky videographer pushing his buttons and annoying him like there was no tomorrow. He chuckled softly, pleasant memories flooding his mind and he reveled in them, just as he had reveled in the video calls and incessant texting the pair had indulged in.

Namjoon believed she looked decidedly better now, more at peace with herself. Her time in Ilsan was obviously doing her good and he knew that spending most of it with her family played a big part in it. I've got five years to make up for, she had joked, but the rapper knew she was relishing every second with them.

That didn't change the fact that he missed her, so much that his chest caved in just thinking about her. And judging by the mistiness in her eyes whenever they managed to do a Skype call, Namjoon knew she felt the same way.

And so he had decided to spend Christmas Eve with her in Ilsan. The videographer had been elated when Namjoon had informed her of his plans, initially wanting to surprise her but then thinking better of it, knowing she would appreciate a heads-up.

But now, standing underneath the shining lights and surrounded by a festive atmosphere on all sides, the rapper wondered if she would come, if she would want to see him again when they had both been trying so hard to accustom themselves to their new schedules, trying to keep the frustration of not being able to see each other at bay. Indeed, he himself had more than once considered turning back and sending a simple text message but Namjoon knew he needed this, that they needed this.

And he was proven right when the first crystals of snow hit the sidewalks, the world brimming with positivity and growth and love, a voice, her voice, startling him out of his reverie. The rapper turned around, a wide grin spreading across his face, his heart beating a little faster, his breathing a little quicker, his soul a little warmer.

"Kim Namjoon."

His name sounded like a prayer on her lips and he let it wash over him, its familiarity a salvation he craved. When had he fallen so hard?

"Hong Ji Ah."