Don't Worry, Just Go!
Mid-October saw Ji Ah and Namjoon knee-deep in promotions, shootings, interviews and several collaborations which had ARMY quaking in their boots. In the midst of all the pandemonium, Bangtan celebrated Jimin's 22nd birthday, a quiet affair at their dorm with beer and junk food. There weren't many occasions for Namjoon and Ji Ah to meet during this interim, both bogged down by never-ending schedules. The videographer had reconciled with her family to an extent but the chasm was much too wide to be bridged in the span of a few days. Still, Ji Ah was content and grateful to Namjoon too, something she conveyed by sending him a video wishing Bangtan luck for their concert in Japan.
"I hope you have a good time," Ji Ah spoke into her phone, cradling it as she hurried to Mi Na's office. She had called Namjoon before their take off, wanting to wish him once more over the phone. The brunette-haired woman heard him laugh before he answered.
"You know we will. We always have a good time with ARMY," he stated and Ji Ah chuckled. Her boots clicked against the tiled floors of MSL's corridors, the shiny surface casting her reflection over the marble overlays.
"Better get me some souvenirs, Namjoon. It would be even better if you somehow managed to snag an autograph of Shun Oguri while you're at it." Shun Oguri was a renowned Japanese actor and one of Ji Ah's favorites. She could practically hear Namjoon rolling his eyes when he sighed.
"How come you never ask for my autographs?" he almost whined and the videographer had to stifle a laugh. The two of them had managed to fall into a camaraderie, not stress-free by a long shot, but it at least allowed the pair to breathe that much easily around each other.
"Because I don't need to," Ji Ah teased, halting outside Mi Na's door to wait for Namjoon's response. She could hear muffled sounds in the background; probably the members as they shuffled onto the aircraft, which meant that they had a few seconds at best before the flight attendants requested Namjoon to turn off his cell phone.
A breathy laugh followed her words and she leaned against the door as the rapper's reply trickled down the line. "Yeah, yeah, keep fooling yourself. But I know you've been coveting a signed mixtape." Ji Ah pressed a palm against her lips to stop a giggle from escaping.
"Yeah, Hoseok's. So let me know when he releases it," she deadpanned and almost chortled when Namjoon groaned in defeat.
"Fine, then. I'll let him know. I'm sure Hoseok will be elated," he replied glumly and Ji Ah wondered what the members made of Namjoon's sulky face. But before she could ask, a shrill voice carried over to her end and she heard an attendant asking the rapper to switch off his device. Namjoon mumbled something to her, balancing his phone for one last reply to Ji Ah. "Anyway, I've gotta go now. Try not to chew somebody's head off."
She snorted. "Try not to damage any equipment. I hear the Japanese are very particular about their stuff." There was one last laugh on the other end of the line before it went dead and Ji Ah marveled over how natural their conversation had been. But she knew it for what it really was: a charade to keep them both from acknowledging the reality of their situation.
Pushing open the door to Mi Na's office, the first thing Ji Ah noticed was the empty desk. Her boss was sprawled over the recliner positioned opposite the glass windows which afforded a breathtaking view of the city. Mi Na hadn't heard her enter and was clutching her head in her hands, nursing what appeared to be a splitting headache.
"You wanted to see me?" Ji Ah ventured tentatively for fear of ticking her boss off on such a lovely sunny afternoon. Mi Na grunted in an incoherent voice and beckoned her to take a seat, struggling to pull herself upright. "You look like something the cat dragged in," Ji Ah couldn't help but observe, instantly clamping her mouth shut. If it had been any other day, her boss would have bitten her head off for such a snipe. But not today. Not when last night's drinking session with Jae Chan had sparked the worst kind of hangover for Mi Na.
"Sit your ass down and listen to me," she spat out in a raspy voice, finally meeting Ji Ah's eyes. "I have a job for you."
Ji Ah perked up at this. She hadn't had the opportunity for a solo shoot in a long time and her toes prickled with anticipation. "What is it?"
"Normally, I would've asked Jae Chan to do it but I'm pretty sure he isn't faring any better than l am," Mi Na stated offhandedly, fixing as stern a gaze as she could muster on Ji Ah in her current state. "So you're my next best shot."
"So it takes alcohol for you to admit how happy you are to have me," Ji Ah replied sweetly, relishing how Mi Na's jaw began ticking at her words. "I don't mind. I'll take whatever I can get."
"I would snarl if my tongue didn't feel like paper." Ji Ah laughed but her boss didn't look amused in the slightest. "Now will you listen?" The videographer settled down as soon as Mi Na slid a sheet across the coffee table. "There's a showcase scheduled to take place two days from now focusing on dramas which aired in the first half of 2017 and were successful."
"So I'm supposed to cover this by myself?" Ji Ah inquired, her eyes scanning the schedule that Mi Na had provided her with. Her boss nodded when she looked up.
"Precisely. You might see some familiar faces and the fact that you've worked on some of these dramas before will be a bonus. The actors will be there too so I want you to get the full lay-down and maybe even some interviews if you can manage it." Mi Na scrutinized her through squinted eyes and her lips twisted into a warped smile. "Which I'm sure you can. We'll be airing this on our channel and since you don't have any other duties considering BTS are probably halfway to Japan right now, you should be able to prep well for it."
"Alright then," Ji Ah rose, smoothening the creases of her pants and mock saluting Mi Na which earned her a scoff. "I'll get right to it."
***
Two days later, the showcase was every bit as grandiose as Ji Ah had expected it to be. Standing in the magnanimous space, the videographer concentrated on the elaborate whorls of colour which had been splashed onto the stage instead of worrying about Namjoon like she had been prone to doing, much to her utmost vexation, for the past couple of days. Decorative sashes festooned the overhead lights and the dais which had been specially erected for the occasion. So Min had tagged along with her and so had Kang Soo who assured her that he would provide any assistance Ji Ah would need.
As it had turned out, Ji Ah had required every bit of assistance. What with running after Nam Ji Hyun and Kim Ji Won to interview them about their dramas and fangirling over Ji Soo and Yoo Seung Ho, the videographer realized how easy it was to lose track of all sense of reality surrounded by such glamour and talent.
"Taehyungie would've loved to be here. The entire cast of 'Hwarang' is present," So Min remarked while Ji Ah and Kang Soo focused on shooting the ending segment delivered by Go Ara and Park Seo Joon with Do Ji Han and Choi Min Ho flanking the pair.
The videographer frowned. "But I don't see…"
"Me?"
Kang Soo quickly took over the camera as Ji Ah whirled at the sound of the baritone voice. It belonged to a tall man clad in a three-piece suit, a velvet waistcoat concealed beneath his blazer. His streaked hair was slicked back, fringes pushed away from his forehead to reveal twinkling eyes, an angular nose and full lips.
"Park Hyung Sik!" Ji Ah exclaimed in surprise, having expected to see him on stage with the rest of 'Hwarang'. "Why aren't you up there?"
Park Hyung Sik chuckled, ruffling the videographer's hair. "It's good to see you too, Ji Ah-sshi." Ji Ah shot him a sheepish smile and turned in the direction he was pointing. "I already finished my ending segment with Bo Young Noona." Park Bo Young was Hyung Sik's co-star from 'Strong Woman Do Bong Soon' and it was during the making of this drama, a drama which Ji Ah had worked on, that the actors, especially Hyung Sik, had struck up a close friendship with the videographer.
"I see," she chirped happily, allowing Hyung Sik to steer her away from the camera and towards a secluded corner of the hall which served as the venue for the showcase.
"I was hoping you'd be here since we hadn't had a chance to talk in so long," Hyung Sik stated, straining to be audible above the din of the crowd. "How have you been?"
Ji Ah couldn't fathom how to even begin answering the question so she settled for a simple reply. "I'm alright. How about you? Any progress with your alluring co-star?" she teased, alluding to the soft spot the actor had for Bo Young. Hyung Sik grinned but the smile didn't reach his eyes.
"Bo Young Noona is a good friend, Ji Ah. And I've accepted the fact that we'll never be anything more," he explained in a low voice, afraid of being overheard even though the woman in question was on the other side of the room.
Ji Ah nodded in understanding. "I'm sorry it didn't work out, especially since you liked her so much."
"I love her."
The videographer blinked at the sudden confession but Hyung Sik displayed no signs of retracting his words. "What?" Ji Ah was aware that the man had harbored feelings for his co-star which weren't entirely platonic but hearing him say it out loud wasn't any less astounding.
"Countless interviewers have asked me how I really feel about her," Hyung Sik replied, his eyes glazed with emotion. "And my answers have always hinged on the fringes of the truth:'We're just friends, she's too good for me, I want her to know how much I respect her,' when all the while, I wanted to tell them exactly what I just told you." He inhaled deeply, looking straight at Ji Ah. "I'm glad that now at least one person out there knows how I really feel."
"You…never told her?" she asked quietly and Hyung Sik shook his head.
"I never could dredge up the courage to." He angled his head so his eyes now rested on Park Bo Young's petite frame. The affection in his eyes was unmistakable. "But I hope that someday, I can, even if she won't ever feel the same way." Something in Hyung Sik's manner was so reminiscent of the hope and futile optimism that had shined in Namjoon's eyes when he had dared to bring up the question of a renewed relationship. But Ji Ah looked away. Thinking about Namjoon hurt too much in light of what the actor had said.
"You must think I'm crazy." Hyung Sik chuckled and the videographer realized he was looking at her again. She dragged her eyes away from where they had landed on So Min's star-struck face as Yoo Seung Ho passed by. "Talking about this in the middle of a showcase."
Ji Ah smiled at him, reaching out to squeeze his elbow. "Not at all. I'm glad that you think of me as someone you could share this with."
"Of course! You're probably the only person apart from Ji Soo-sshi who knows both me and Bo Young Noona so well, Ji Ah-yah. I wanted to tell you this." Hyung Sik smiled at her warmly and this time, his eyes crinkled as he did so. "But enough about me. Do you have someone in your life?"
A pair of warm brown eyes and a smile which could save the world flashed in her mind. Startled by the unbidden thought, she shook her head too quickly. But the actor seemed to have noticed the faint blush on her cheeks. "Aha! You do, don't you? C'mon, you know you can tell me." Hyung Sik's lips formed a pout as he studied her. "Didn't I just bare my heart and soul to you?"
Ji Ah laughed at his dramatic gestures. "You're being ridiculous." For a crazy minute, she wondered if it would be wise to trust Hyung Sik with her emotions. But when she looked up at his earnest face, she realized that it was only fair to be honest with him. "I don't know. We knew each other in the past but it didn't work out. And I'm scared that we might only end up hurting each other again. Not to mention the burdens of idol life-"
"Woah woah, back up! Idol?" Hyung Sik studied her with interest, an excited gleam in his eyes. "You have a scandalous past with an idol?"
Ji Ah released an exasperated sigh. "You're missing the point and it's not scandalous," she defended and he smirked playfully.
"Where's the fun in that?" Hyung Sik splayed his palms in a placating motion when she glared at him. "Fine, fine." He patted her shoulder softly. "Look, Ji Ah, all I can say is in the world we live in, it's rare to find someone who loves you without expecting anything in return. Would you view this person you have in mind in such a way?"
~Namjoon with his dimpled smiles and wise advice, with quirky remarks to make me want to tear my hair out but also laugh until my stomach hurts, with a soft look in his eyes which speak volumes even though his lips don't move. Namjoon, always giving and never taking, even then and even now.~
Ji Ah nodded and Hyung Sik smiled. "Do you think he loves you?"
~I don't know. But he looks at me in a way which makes me want to believe he does.~
"I can't be certain. But he did want to give us another chance," she murmured slowly and the actor frowned.
"Did? He doesn't anymore?" he inquired with concern and Ji Ah bit her lip.
"I don't know. I turned him down." She averted her gaze but Hyung Sik cupped her cheek, turning her so she was facing him once again.
"You're scared you feel the same way."
It was so easy to accept it when it wasn't her mouth doing the talking. Ji Ah knew that Hyung Sik's words held true but it was a daunting fact to acknowledge. "I'm scared that I won't be able to give him the love he deserves." A weight seemed to lift from her chest as these words tumbled out of her mouth. She could hardly believe she was admitting this to Park Hyung Sik out of all the people on the planet when she hadn't even been able to admit it to herself. But somehow, it seemed fitting.
The actor was watching her carefully. "Why?"
"Because I don't know what it means to love someone. I don't know if I ever will." Ji Ah's lips quivered slightly, an action the actor didn't miss. He grabbed her hand, giving it the lightest of squeezes.
"How will you know if you won't try?" he pointed out kindly, a wistful look in his warm eyes. "What I wouldn't give to trade places with you and go running to tell the woman who loved me that I loved her back. I can't because she doesn't." He shot a quick glance in Bo Young's direction that Ji Ah didn't miss. But there was a determined lilt to his voice now. "I can't. But you can. And you will."
"What makes you so sure?" she asked him, no sarcasm, only curiosity lacing her tone.
"Because the Ji Ah I know wouldn't let anything deter her." Hyung Sik was grinning now, a grin she found herself returning though doubts still clashed in her mind.
"What if it all goes wrong?" Ji Ah couldn't help but ask him and the man just smiled wider.
"If it's meant to be, it will be. Call me a hopeless romantic but it's the truth. And even if your time with him is short, you won't have any regrets," Hyung Sik assured her and the videographer found herself relinquishing her hold on the walls she had had erected around herself, something like resolve beginning to pool in her veins. "So don't worry, just go!"
And Ji Ah found herself picking her way through the crowd, sprinting towards the exit to reach her car. Bangtan were scheduled to return today and she didn't need to check to know that they had probably already landed. She knew what she was about to do was absolutely insane but she didn't care. Hyung Sik was right and Ji Ah had far too many regrets already. She didn't want letting Namjoon slip away be another one. This would probably end in nothing but disaster and tears but Ji Ah had to try. She wouldn't know otherwise. It was time to let go of the past and learn to love again.
Maybe then, Ji Ah would find a way to love herself, too.