How to make a grown up man cry

Piccolo's POV:

The concurrent holder of the tittle of demon king couldn't help but to find this situation as hilarious as it was infuriating. The great king Piccolo's son and successor, an evil being that was born with the might to rule over the world with iron fist, was now missing an arm after failing to dodge an admittedly telegraphed ki attack from a guy that came from nowhere and decided this was a good planet to conquer.

"Are you okay, Piccolo? "

Piccolo mentally sneered at the sight of his rival, the only man in earth that he had deemed a danger to his quest of world domination, looking at his beaten appearance in shock. If someone had told him that there would be a day when the two of them would work together against a common enemy, he would have... done something bad? It had been so long since the last time he spoke with a sapient being - dinosaurs didn't count - that he was unsure to how he would have reacted to such nonsense. Although he would probably have cursed Son Goku, even if said enemy weren't his brother.

"R-relax, I can still…fight with only o-one arm…" He managed to utter through the pain.

Not like he had a choice in the matter. While it was possible for him to regrow his limbs, doing it would mean that he wouldn't have enough energy left for his trump card.

"FUHAHAHA. Your end is finally drawing near." Gloated the long haired alien, Raditz.

Well, at least that made working alongside Son Goku a little more bearable, if only because the alternative was to lose against this guy.

"Hey, Son Goku. Do you happen to any new secret techniques?" Piccolo asked, still looking at Raditz.

Suspicion and wariness came naturally to the namekian, maybe it was something innate in his people, but most probably was something he inherited from his father, the original Piccolo Daimao. He didn't dare to look away from the enemy as he didn't trust the saiyan to not attack him in the moment he let his guard down.

"Sorry, can't say I do."

Piccolo gave him a terse nod. Son Goku had never been one to use flashy or overly complex techniques, clearly preferring a more direct approach whenever such a thing was possible.

"Keh. I guess this is the time to reveal my hand." He sighed and then curled his lips into a faint smile. "I have something that could help."

Yet, despite his distrustful nature, he was now forced to put his trust in his father's greatest enemy.

The plan was fairly simple, all he needed was for Son Goku to buy a time until he finished gathering energy for the his Makasan…Mopaka…Mako…. his special beam cannon, a ki attack that was able to perforate any kind a defense, yes, it was technique than would never become obsolete or forgotten.

It was short of a miracle that Raditz didn't interrupt them while they were in the middle of planning. Thank Kami for that…actually, no, fuck Kami, he would rather thank Son Goku's idiocy for being genetic.

"I got this, buddy. "

He probably didn't, but hey, with a bit of luck both of both would survive this suicide fight, and with a lot of luck, he would be the only one walking away alive today.

"*Tch* You have the persistence of a saiyan, I'll give you that." Raditz clicked his tongue in annoyance as he easily dodged Goku's left hook and low kick.

While charging his Mak- special beam cannon took most of his concentration, Piccolo still had the time to curse the sight of the saiyans fighting each other. He already knew that Raditz was stronger than him by a wide margin, trying to deny that would be foolish, but to see Son Goku, someone with a strength and speed similar to his, dodging and managing to land some hits, even if they didn't really deal any damage whatsoever, in such a strong opponent was both humbling and annoying at the same time.

It didn't take long before Son Goku fell to the ground after getting hit with a crude and hasty, if effective, ki blast. The taller alien didn't waste time to rush over to finish the job.

"DIE." Raditz furiously roared.

The namekian smirked. It would so easy to just wait a few more seconds, let the older saiyan end the life of his damned rival and then kill him with the special beam cannon.

Yet, he didn't entertain the thought any longer. Piccolo knew very well that doing that wouldn't sit well with him. Not because it was evil, he was Piccolo Daimao, the demon king, evils things were as natural for him as breathing. No, this…felt cheap.

Yes, even a demon like him had some kind of code to follow. If…WHEN he killed Son Goku, he would do it when his rival at his full strength and show the world who was the superior warrior. Piccolo refused to accept anything less than that.

"You are the one who is going to die."

He didn't yell that, but it was more than enough to get the attention of Raditz.

"A power level of 1330 at his fingertips? IMPOSSIBLE."

"TAKE THIS." He screamed to make his attack stronger. "SPECIAL BEAM CANON. "

The ki beam flew from his fingertips towards Raditz at such speed that not even the namekian, who was the one that executed the attack, could truly follow it with his eyes. This was it, his ultimate attack, their last hope.

"Damn it…DAMN IT."

At last moment, Raditz moved out the way of the beam by moving at a speed even greater that the one he showed during their fights. The special beam cannon did little more than graze his shoulder and destroy part of his armor.

"That was dangerous." Sweat was falling down from the saiyan's forehead, showing the effort he had just put to avoid the attack. "I would be a goner, if that had landed on me."

"Shut up. That doesn't mean anything if I don't hit you with it." Piccolo growled.

"Well, that is enough. I am through playing around."

That was it, unless a miracle happened, they would be all deat-

"Great, that means it is now our turn to play." A cheerful male voice said.

Everyone turned their heads in unison to see the owner of the voice. It may had been a poor tactical decision to allow themselves to get distracted in the middle of a battle to the death, but the fact that someone was able to get this close without anyone noticing it was to disturbing to ignore.

Just a few meters away from the fight, there were two humans, sitting in rock and watching them with…were those fucking binoculars?

The man was tall, about as tall as the Raditz, and wore some kind of all-black clothes that contrasted with his messy white hair, yet the most striking thing about the man was the blindfold that covered both of his eyes. The woman's appearance was more normal when compared to the man's, she had long dark green hair and wore a monk-like outfit that almost made Piccolo scoff.

While they didn't look like warriors at all, Piccolo could feel that their powers were just a little lower than his own. If they played their cards right, they could distract Raditz until he managed to charge another special beam cannon.

"Woah, I didn't know that there were other guys that strong. Do you think they will fine with sparring after this?"

If Piccolo hadn't already hated Son Goku for existing, he would now have a good reason to.

"Uh? More humans? 340 and 260. Not bad for your species, but nothing to be worried about." Raditz commented surprised after checking something with that weird device on his face. "If you two stay quiet until I finish this fight, I promise that your deaths will be swift. "

"A power level of 340?" The white haired man pointed at himself. "Weird, I expected Nanami's would be bigger than mine. After all, she always ends in top of me after a sweaty training session."

The only reaction of this ´Nanami´ was to blink.

"It is possible that the machine is only capable of measuring raw physical strength and the natural energy produced by one's body without taking in account factors such as techniques, instincts, martial progress or weapons. " The woman hypothesized with a soft voice before sighing. "This feels like a chef focusing too much in the temperature of the oven and ignoring the quality of the ingredients when cooking. "

"Shouldn't it be that the chef was focusing too much in the quality of the ingredients, but lacked the skill to cook something with them?"

"Umm… yes that makes more sense…or maybe it doesn't. I should have made a metaphor with an activity I am familiar with." She nodded to herself after a few seconds of deliberation. "Guava, please refrain of using such a vulgar language while we are in public, there is a time and place for that kind of thing."

"Sorry, sorry. " The man apologized insincerely. "It is just Nanami is so cute when she is embarrassed. You are as red as a tomato right now. "

´SHE IS?´ Everyone thought at the same time while looking at the woman's blank expression.

"It seems that my brother wasn't the only one to hit his head." Raditz sneered. " Are you, buffoons, so eager to die? "

"YOU TWO." Piccolo called their attention. "This guy is too strong for you; we need to work together if we want to stand a chance. "

And wasn't that painful to admit? The great demon king was now forced to practically beg humans for their help against a vastly superior enemy.

"Between the four of us, we can do this." Son Goku put his own two cents.

The two persons that didn't understand how serious this was stared at each other, seemingly having a silent conversation.

"I will stir some tea while I wait for you to finish."

"Are you sure that you don't want to take this one? You are way better than me at physical combat."

Nanami shook her head delicately.

"I am still not used to sparring with weed, so there is always the chance that I will accidentally uproot him. It would be better for us if I just watch you fight him." The smile plastered on her face was almost enough to make Piccolo attack her, to the hell with the consequences. No human had the right to expel so much malice with a single facial expression. "Or maybe it is worse."

"You are still angry at my little joke, aren't you?" The white haired man, who for some unholy reason didn't show any discomfort against said smile, deadpanned.

"Not at all." The woman lied with a deadpanned expression of her own. "I believe that a fight to the death against an arguable superior opponent will help you to avoid growing soft and dull. "

"As if our sparring sessions were not life or death fights for me." If it weren't for his enhanced audition, Piccolo would have missed the man muttering that last comment.

"Guys, this person is really, really strong. You shouldn't underestimate him." It physically hurt the namekian to agree with anything that came out of Son Goku's mouth, so he blamed it in his concurrent concussion.

"Oh, you are misunderstanding the situation. It is not that we decided to fight alone because we believe this guy is weak. We decided to fight alone because we know that he is so strong that if he were to touch us we would be in serious problems." The white haired man shrugged. "We both suck at fighting as a team."

And Piccolo's hopes to survive this fight faded away as he stared at these delusional individuals. Maybe humans deserved to be exterminated if Goku was their most reliable champion.

"HAHA. It is funny that you think you have a chance against me." Raditz mocked them with a cruel smirk and faster than he could follow, the tall saiyan sent a powerful ki attack toward the white haired man. "DIE."

*Boom*

The energy ball hit its target directly in his face, causing a powerful explosion that left the namekian gaping at the level of destruction caused by a casual attack from Raditz. It was obvious that the saiyan was telling the truth when he declared he wouldn't be playing anymore.

At least now there was a chance that the woman would start taking things seriously after watching her partner die in front of her eyes.

As he opened to his mouth in order to get the woman attention, a single word came out from where the explosion took place.

"Annoying."

Piccolo couldn't believe his eyes. As the cloud of dust and smoke disappeared, he saw the man called Guava smiling in a very familiar way, only that this time there was no blindfold covering his sky-blue eyes.

"Oh, come on. Aren't cannon fodder villains supposed to let the heroes hype themselves up without interrupting? "

Why was that smile so familiar to him? It reminded Piccolo of that that one time when he saw Son Goku eating at the martial arts tournament's buffet….it was simply that feral and disturbing.

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Guava's POV:

Oh sweet and beautiful Dragon Ball, the place where the heroes loved to decide the fate of the world in death matches that followed strict regulations for the sake of fairness. The anime/manga that introduced the concept of power levels…and then forgot about them because they were and always will be bullshit.

Since fights in this place followed the simple rule of the one with the biggest number wins, it shouldn't be a surprise that his face itched a little bit after literally taking that attack heads on. Although his technique offered a perfect defense against both physical and energy attacks by basically manipulating the time and space around him, the rules of shounen dictated very clearly than any kind of overly complex technique could be overcomed if you punched hard enough. Well, quantity was a quality in its own.

Oh merciful God…or kami…Zeno? Oh merciful Dende, he loved this series enough to ignore most of its bullshit.

"Impossible, a weak human couldn't possible survive an attack like that." The saiyan with second best design in the whole series, from a completely objective point of view, exclaimed in shock.

"Weak human?" He snickered in an over the top way. "My apologies, but I am not JUST a human."

Guava had waited entire weeks for this moment, writing and rehearsing speeches that would left the fear of Dende imprinted in the hearts of anyone who heeded to his words.

As someone who got a degree in theatrical arts, he refused to buy the performance talent from the company. Art was not an objective and quantifiable thing that someone could just master after buying a manual at the supermarket…actually you could, but fuck those guides. He would rather spend hours practicing the right gestures in front a mirror.

With a smile as pure and sincere as he could muster in this kind of situation, Guava let his curse energy mix with his ki. The effect was immediately, all the warriors, even Raditz, flinched before the sheer amount of malice exuded by him. He still couldn't match sweet Nanami in the art of projecting hostility and malevolence, but he was trying.

"I am someone that surpassed humanity as a whole, the next step in evolution. I am…-"

*Riiing*

"Excuse me for a moment, I have to answer this."

For some reason nobody interrupted the scary man in the middle of his phone call.

"What do you mean by saying you changed my build? Is this min-max gamer thing really that important? Well, dragons are cool... I suppose the conceptual elements you chose mix very well with my concurrent set of powers and I have always been a fan of Morpheus from the endless so…wait, that is a fucking reference to freaking DxD. Is it too late to ask for a divorce?"

After another minute of hearing his wife explaining him the importance of meta and abusing OP shit before someone decide to nerf it, Guava ended the call and massaged his temples. Whoever said that becoming an intergalactic slaver and getting a harem would make life simpler…. must had have a very interesting imagination to arrive to that conclusion, but he was also wrong.

"I am not a human, but a dragon god." He continued, avoiding to look at Nanami mocking smile.

"Like Shenron."

He scoffed as glamorously as possible.

"The wish granter has little to do with me. I am the dragon who stared into the void and dreamed with a better world. I am the dragon of both stories and infinite-"

"Where are your whiskers?"

The guy who has just discovered his dragon heritage turned toward Goku.

"I beg your pardon? "

"Your whiskers." The saiyan MC repeated. "Shenron has these really long whiskers, but you don't even have a beard, so maybe you had very bushy eyebrows before Raditz burned them with his attack. Is that why you were wearing a blindfold? You don't need to be ashamed of them, I have a friend with three eyes."

Guava winced once…and then he did it again.

"Do you have a profile on Myspace?" He asked Piccolo the sake of his sanity, not that he had a lot left, but that only motivated him to protect it even more.

"What the heck is that?"

Great, that means he wasn't in the abridge-

"Do you mean spacebook? " Asked a rather confused Raditz.

Yep, this is his life now.

"Ah, fuck it. "

In a fraction of a second, he dashed toward Raditz at a speed that should be impossible for someone with his power level. It was an impossibility made possible by the combination of two others impossibilities. The first one was the use of Blue to create a vacuum that pulled him at an astonish speed, while the second was to impulse himself even farther by kicking the ground using Black Flash, the pinnacle of control of curse energy/ki that was closer to be called a miracle than a proper technique. The taller saiyan didn't have time to even blink before Guava used his momentum to land a solid punch in his throat with enough force to almost broke his windpipe. Guava wasn't done though, as the grabbed Raditz's head to keep him in place as he delivered a powerful blow with his knee, and finished with an elbow to the nape, using the Black Flash.

Despite the pain, Raditz tried to throw a punch Guava's exposed stomach. It was futile, the fist never made contact with his target as it seemingly stopped in the middle of the air, just a few centimeters away from Guava.

"What the f-" Raditz tried to hoarsely ask before he was rudely interrupted by a knee with to his face, and then another one, and another, and… you get the point. The blows didn't come to an end until Raditz realized that launching a ki blast to point blank and take damage from it was likely to hurt less than this…at least emotionally.

"I-s that all yo-oou got? I will explode this planet, and then kill me...I mean you. And then I eat you like space onions rin-ngggs without those stupid special discounts in space dany-" Raditz threaten him despite his concussion, or at least that is what Guava believed he tried to do.

"So…buddy. Do you want to surrender? I am starting to get tired and I would really like to eat something." Guava offered the saiyan while patting him in the shoulder.

That and the bored gods from above - the company's ones, not the useless ones from this universe- gave him the mission to become a true shounen protagonist by making friends with genocidal jerks after forcing them to have a change of heart through violence...a lot of violence.

"ME TOO." Goku screamed.

Guava ignored him favor of offering Raditz a winning smile.

"What do you say? "

Worse came to worst, he would only need to beat him up a little more.

----------------------------

To be perfectly honest, Guava didn't expect that his first adventure in a shounen universe to end like this. It wasn't a bad ending at all, since nobody had to die unnecessarily, but it was… weird.

"And after our neighbour's niece gave me with a black eye, dad told me to never let strangers know that we were related." Raditz continued to narrated his convoluted and somewhat tragic backstory, crying more than what should be possible for a human…which, to be fair, wasn't relevant since he was a saiyan. "It is not fair, dad had liked Kakarot since birth and he was born with a power level even lower than mine. Guava was right, I am just a failure that enjoy making other feel as miserable as me."

It was hard to say how it did happen, but, somehow, the death match ended up with a nakemekian, two saiyans, one half-saiyan, a dragon and his beautiful scary wife enjoying of some tea with cookies while hearing Raditz talk about his multiples traumas and insecurities.

´Note to myself: Next time you decide to beat someone so they can become a good person, make sure that the beating up is physical and not emotional. ´

"Don't cry, uncle Raditz." Little Gohan tried to cheer him up. "We don't care if people say that you are weird for a saiyan. I don't like to fight either."

"I am sure that Chi-Chi will love helping with your dream of becoming a baker. She is always saying Gohan needs a positive male role model with a job or something like that. "

Luckily for Guava, who had no idea how to deal with a mentally scarred SAIYAN, both Goku and Gohan were doing an excellent job at being emotionally supportive.

"We don't have time to waste in a stupid therapy session for someone who has just tried to kill us all. There are two saiyans that are coming here to kill us and steal the dragon balls. " Sadly, the best nanny in the multiverse was still kind of a jerk, if logical individual, at this point on time. "And those saiyans are like ten time stronger than this tall crying baby who just kicked our asses."

"Actually, they are 4 and 15 times stronger. " Raditz corrected, wiping some tears with his tail.

"NOT THE POINT."

"And what is the point?" Nanami tilted her head in confusion. "While I do admire the effort you intend to put for the sake of improving yourself, training a bit harder for a year won't make any difference in your overall weakness. In fact, I could have killed you in 341 different ways in the time it took me to prepare the cup of tea you are drinking."

"Are you calling me weak? Do not forget that I am Piccolo Daimao, son of the last demon king, I do not die so easily." The namekian warned.

"Um… you are probably right. I apologize for my rash judgment." She bowed in a disarming and sincere fashion, with no hint of mockery in her tone. "Since you are not a human, I lack the necessary knowledge about your biology to offer an exact number of times I could you have killed you, but I am confident in my ability to decapitate you in less than seven seconds, maybe twenty-five if everyone here, minus Guava, try to stop me."

The tea was delicious as always, it was almost enough to help Guava to ignore the looks of horror written all over everyone's faces while looking at his beautiful and scary wife that probably shouldn't be allowed to speak with little children.

Part of him knew that it was his own fault for bringing Nanami with him despite knowing about her complete disregard for normal human values and her bloodthirsty hidden nature. The right thing to do would be to intervene before the situation spiraled out of control using the social talents he acquired from the company to make everyone realize that there was no reason for them to fear for their lives.

"Meh, I would give them thirty seconds."

Thank Dende he was an immature asshole that worked for intergalatic slavers.