CONFUSED FEELINGS

My relationship with Nebula was going good, it had its ups and downs but, we were hanging on there. I knew I wanted to be with her, and no matter what happened we knew breaking up was not an option. Irma and I had stopped talking and I was no longer being looked at, as a weird person. Although Irma and I were no longer talking, I still felt a certain way, anytime I was in her presence or her name was mentioned. Deep down in my heart, I wanted to fix our relationship, we invested a lot in our friendship, especially me, to just stop talking to each other, like we were total strangers. It hurt me a lot sometimes. Nebula noticed my reaction anytime Irma's name was mentioned or when I was around Irma. She had been watching me and feared that I still had feelings for Irma. I couldn't blame her, cos anybody would be jealous, if she figured out their boyfriend still had feelings for her no longer female bestfriend.

After a long time of just observing and analyzing my reaction around Irma, she couldn't hold it any longer.

It was on a Friday night, a friend invited us to a small party, Nebula and I never knew Irma and Kyle, were going to be there, so we attended the party.

I froze, when I saw Irma, cos I never knew how to react around her, I was not a bold person like her, I was not someone who could hide emotions like her, so I got a little worked up. I never knew Nebula noticed.

The party was a small party, but interesting. We had a lot of fun. We played truth or dare, beer pong and danced a lot. While we were playing for some reasons, I kept looking at Irma, I don't know why but, my eyes were focused on her and sometimes we will make eye contact for about 30 seconds but then I get intimidated and I will look away. Again I never knew Nebula noticed because, through out the party, I gave her very little attention because I was mostly focused on Irma.

While we were playing, Irma moved into one of the rooms in the house. I could hear this voice in my head say, "follow her, follow her". I don't why I listened to that voice but I listened to the voice and followed Irma to the room.

She tried locking the door, when she saw me but I overpowered her and pushed my way into the room.

"What do want from me?" she said trying to push me out.

"Stop, please, I just want to talk" I said giving her a tight hug, she hugged me back surprisingly.

"Does she know you are here?" she asked irritated.

"No " I said sitting with her on the bed.

"You know, all this time I thought I was the traitor but honestly, you are the biggest traitor. Out of all the girls, you could date, you chosed my best friend" Irma said in a very disappointing tone.

"What you expect?? You said we were no longer friends, you started acting strange to me out of a sudden. Everything changed after that kiss. You started moving towards Kyle." I responded in a tone a little bit angry and sad at the same time.

"You know why I, told you I couldn't be friends with you? It was because I knew, I could never feel for you the way you did for me. I never wanted to see you hurt, I never wanted to hurt you more by giving you hope." She said feeling sorry but still disappointed at me.

"I never wanted to hurt you." She added.

"So the kiss never meant anything? you kissed me three times that night. So all that meant nothing?"

I asked desperately.

"Anybody can kiss anybody and it doesn't mean they love the person. So get that, It was just a kiss it meant nothing and I was 12 years old, you dummy." She said .

"It meant nothing for you,but it wasn't just a kiss for me."

I said feeling sad.

"A kiss is just a kiss." She said grabbing me and giving me one of the deepest kiss I've ever had.

I don't know what happened, I felt like I had been shocked by electricity and I couldn't control myself, so I gave into the kiss, she tried to pull back but for some reason, I drew her closer to me and reignited the kiss. Not to lie, this was my best kiss ever. I felt the world stopped moving, it felt so surreal and I felt like I was dreaming, until Irma pushed me away. It would have gotten far if she didn't.

"See anybody can kiss anybody, it doesn't mean anything." She said this with lesser confidence, like the kiss meant something to her, but she just couldn't say it.

"Yea, a kiss is just a kiss." It doesn't mean a thing, I said, knowing deep down that this kiss meant a lot to me.

Irma sat down on the bed quiet and sighed in disappointment, as if she was expecting another response from me. We sat there looked at each other, without saying a word for close to 60 seconds. Until Irma breaked the silence.

"Did you date Nebula to get back at me?" She asked.

"You know, no matter what you do to me, I will never do anything to hurt you. I will always see you as my best friend, no matter what. So, no I never dated Nebula to get back at you." I replied confidently.

"Do you love her?" She asked again after a few seconds of quietness.

That question sparked a lot of confusion in my head. On one hand we had Nebula a very beautiful and nice girl, with whom, I had very interesting and romantic moments, and I never want to lose her and deep down I knew she was good for me. And on the other hand we had Irma, a girl I have loved since childhood, I had all reasons to hate her but I still couldn't, she is the one I shared my first kiss with, she is my first love, she is the first girl to ever see me naked, my best memories in life were with Irma. So with all this in my head, I never knew what to do I was confused, so I never answered Irma's question, but it never meant, I never loved Nebula. I was just confused.

After thinking and not answering Irma's question, she stood up and said

"I thought so." She said then left.

The moment Irma left, I came back to my senses and I realized that, I came to the party with Nebula, who I hadn't given any single ounce of attention to the whole night. Thinking about the fact that I kissed Irma, made me guilty and I felt bad for Nebula. I knew I had to tell her but first we had to leave the party. So I hurriedly left the room.

As soon as I entered the parlor, where the party was, some students started giving me the "Damn player!" kinder eye. Like they knew something went on, between Irma and I. At first I was like nah, they just suspecting cos they saw us coming out from the same room and they can't say anything cos no one saw anything. Then I realized the door to the room was half open the whole time. That's when I knew that someone must have been spying, my fear was that, the person doesn't tell Nebula before I did. I was guilty, scared and nervous.

So I walked to Nebula so we could go.

"Yo, Neb, let's go. I'm feeling a little bit weird." I said.

"OK, babe, let's go." She responded with a forced smile.

Looking at Nebula, I could tell something was wrong but I just couldn't figure out, what it was. Cos Nebula most of the times will jump on me and start kissing me if I just disappear like that in a party. It was usually irritating to me, but now that she did not do it, I felt like I missed it, the guilt in me made me want it.

Nebula and I walked out of the party holding each other's hand. The guilt was eating me up but I just had to fake it. We finally got to her car and we got in. Without saying a word to each other, she decided to drive and I couldn't stop her. She started the car and while we were going, she asked me.

"Babe, where were you the whole time?". She asks suspiciously.

"You wouldn't believe it babe, there was this room with hmm!! pool, so, I and em! a couple other guys decided to play. That's where I spent most of the night." I lied, but one could tell I was lying, because of the way I spoke.

Nebula never said a thing, she just kept on driving, I don't know if, I was the only feeling it, because of my guilt, but the temperatures were rising. While in the car, I looked for all means to tell Nebula about what happened but I just couldn't. I tried sparking up a conversation but guilty conscience wouldn't let me have the courage speak. So after gathering a lot of courage and finally making up my mind to come clean with Nebula, the car stopped, all of a sudden. I don't know why, but I got scared.

As the car stopped, Nebula turned around, looked at me, right into the eyes, gathered courage and asked me

"Don't you think,you have something to tell me?" she asked suspiciously.

"Hmm!! what babe? I don't think I have anything to tell you." I don't know why, but l just acted like every man, I lied, eventhough at that moment it was clear that she knew.

"Wow, you just gon sit here and lie to me, right to my face. Don't think I haven't noticed the way you have been looking at Irma lately, the way behave when she is around or when her name is mentioned." She said almost breaking down.

"And tonight, we went to that party to have fun, to be together but you spent one half of the night looking at Irma and the other one with her in the bedroom. " She said breaking down into tears.

I got shocked when I heard her say it, but the worst feeling was hearing her cry, I felt so guilty and stupid for making Nebula cry, cos she had been so nice to me, in a way nobody ever was.

"Oh! you surprised? I saw you, everything, you kissed her, I can't believe you kissed her." she said crying and hitting me on my chest but I let her hit cos I felt like I deserved it.

"She kissed me babe, she kissed me first." I said in my defense.

"But you kissed her back" she responded

"I thought you loved me?" She said crying louder this time.

"I love you." I shouted in a broken voice.

"I do, I really do." I added

"No you don't, then why didn't answer when she asked?" she asked.

I was left dumbfounded when she asked, I couldn't answer and I knew she wouldn't believe me. So I remained quiet.

"See what I'm saying, you don't love me" she said sobbing.

"I can explain." I said

"You know what?" She said cleaning her eyes, and stops crying as if she was faking it the whole time.

"I'm done with you, I'm done with all this. Leave

my car." She screamed

"Babe, we are in the middle of no where, you can't just drop me off here." I said trying to rebel.

"I don't care, you should call Irma, that's the girl you love right? Call her, she will pick you up." She said opening the door from inside.

I could see how hurt Nebula was, so I stepped out of the car to please her.