C6 (2)

I didn't come off too well in these emails and messages. That hurt. A lot. He tended to portray me as a heartless bitch too stupid to comprehend the true value of his poetic soul. Those are my words but that was the gist.

It did hurt. But in other ways it was very freeing. If he could misrepresent the truth of our marriage so easily for such selfish reasons what was there to fight for? What was there to save?

I began looking at men again. Really looking. I'd been nonplussed by the men who'd flirted with me when I'd first started bagging groceries at Barney's. I couldn't understand why they were interested. But I was beginning to get a glimmer. And I started flirting back.

Rita was delighted. When she saw it happen she'd make big eyes at me and grin. One day one of the regulars asked me out for coffee.

"I don't think my husband would approve," I said, shaken by the invitation. He shrugged his shoulders, nodded, and left.

"Your husband's fucking every woman who'll spread her legs for him," Rita said in a harsh undertone when there was a moment of privacy.

"I didn't know what to say," I said.

"Yes, would have been good," she said.

A couple of days later he was back. "I apologize if I put you on the spot the other day," he said. "I really was just asking you out for coffee. Nothing more."

"And I've been doing some thinking," I said. "I'd like to go out for coffee with you, as long as I can have iced tea instead." He laughed and we quickly worked out the details. Rita was grinning like a demon.

As the appointed hour approached I became more and more nervous. If Rita hadn't been there, pushing from behind, I would have backed out. But in the end I was there and so was he.

It took me awhile to settle down. He carried the burden of the conversation at first, asking questions, drawing me out. But soon we were chatting away like old friends. And all at once I realized I was having fun.

He touched my back, guiding me through the door, as we left the restaurant and I felt warm tingles of desire flow into my tummy. My legs went weak. I was disappointed when he simply said goodnight after walking me to my car.

I sat there for a long time after he'd walked away, savoring the secret glow inside. I could tell he wanted me. I didn't need him to say so, or kiss me, to know that. A part of me that had been asleep for a very long time was waking up. My nipples ached and pushed into my bra; my crotch throbbed with a feeling of fullness. I wanted more.

My new friend, however, was too circumspect and polite. And I was too shy. Rita urged me to make the first move but I couldn't.

It took another man entirely to take advantage of the fires that the first one had set. This was a man I'd seen at the college. It turned out that he was an instructor who had a class at the same time as the computer class Rita and I attended. She and I would often arrive early and spend time in the snack shop at the student union and, more times than not, he would be there too, writing in a notebook and drinking coffee.

He'd caught my attention the first day I saw him. I liked his hair, for one thing, dark blond, thick and wavy. He wore it longer than most men his age. And there was a solitude about him, an intensity, that was unusual.

I was about the last woman I would expect a man like him to find attractive.

But something changed inside me once I began meeting with Tom, my first man friend. That deep part of me that had slept so long was now fully awake and looking around. Aching with hunger.

The way it happened was like some old cliché. But it was not something I planned. I was walking to the snack counter, pulling my billfold out of my purse, and snagged an envelope which fell on the floor. Right in front of the table where he was sitting. He stood up to assist me and I bent over. The moment I grasped the envelope I realized he could see down my blouse. I straightened up quickly, my face hot, and looked at him.

He was gazing at me with a slight smile. Our eyes met. "Thank you, that was nice," he said.

I wanted to run away. "What do you mean?" I said.

His smile got bigger. He gave a faint shrug, as if to dismiss the question. "I've seen you here before," he said.

I nodded. "Well, I've got to get my iced tea," I said.

He nodded, still standing. My legs were shaking as I continued to the counter. I didn't look at him as I passed his table on the way back to the one I was sharing with Rita. I collapsed in my chair, my back to him. I could see from her expression that she'd seen the whole thing. She was looking at me with that evil grin. A second later her eyes shifted to a point above my head.

"Do you mind if I join you?" His voice rumbled behind me.

"Sure," Rita said, pulling out a chair.

And that's how it started.

He introduced himself as James Durbin and said that he taught several English classes including a writing class which was why he was here this evening. At first he and Rita did all the talking but after awhile I joined in. All too soon it was time for class.

"Let's get together afterwards," he said, looking at me. Rita stood for a moment with her books in her arms and then turned and walked towards the classroom.

I felt panicky. "I don't know."

"Please," he said.

The newly awakened part of me was jumping up and down like an excited child on Christmas morning. "Okay," I said with a rush of breath.

He was standing beside the door of the computer lab when Rita and I came out after our teacher had dismissed us. Rita took one look at him and, with a hasty goodnight, shot down the hallway. Leaving me to face him alone.

I have no recollection of what we talked about. All I know is that suddenly we were standing next to my car. There was a moment of hesitation and then his lips were on mine.

I was still holding my books so it was awkward. But wonderful. He kissed me gently but with an urgent insistence. His tongue teased my lips and I opened my mouth. Then his hands were touching my breasts. I heard myself mewing like a kitten.

He pulled away and I stood there, panting.

"Come to my place," he said.

I could feel my thighs quivering. "Okay," I said.

I got into my car, feeling my lower lips sliding together, and watched him walk to his car. A minute later I was following his taillights. My brain refused to function. My body, on the other hand, was in a frenzy. The only thought my mind could form was, I'm about to get laid.

By the time we got to his house, however, my blood had cooled and I was having some misgivings. I realized how little I really knew about him. Fears began creeping in. He pulled into his driveway. I parked at the curb in front but didn't shut off the engine. He got out of his car and looked in my direction. I sat tight.

He waited for about a minute and then ambled down the drive. I opened my window a couple of inches.

"Having second thoughts?" He said.

I nodded.

"It's okay, Cheryl," he said. "I really do like you. We don't have to do this tonight. Let's get together at the college and we can get to know each other better."

I sat there.

"Or you could take a chance on trusting me when I say I really am a nice guy."

A minute later I turned off the engine. It suddenly seemed very quiet. He stood watching me.

"It's your decision," he said.

I got out of the car and locked the door. He touched me lightly, guiding me towards the house. I was praying I wasn't making a huge mistake. He opened the front door and ushered me in.

"Would you like some wine?" He asked, turning on the light. We were standing in the living room.

I nodded, looking around. Lots of bookshelves. And no sign of a woman's touch. The place was more or less clean but books and magazines were scattered on every flat surface.

"Make yourself at home," he said, moving towards the kitchen.

I sat down on the couch, listening to the sounds he was making, with my arms crossed under my breasts.

He emerged from the kitchen a moment later with two wineglasses. He handed me one of them over the back of the couch and then came around to sit beside me. We chatted awkwardly for several minutes and then he reached out to take my wineglass and put both glasses on the coffee table. All at once I was finding it difficult to breathe.

He moved closer and our lips came together. His lips were soft and warm. And he was so gentle. His hands began to slide over my body. The tension I'd been feeling evaporated.

"Oh," I said.

"Mmmm," he murmured into my mouth. He offered his tongue and I sucked on it, tasting him.

My legs seemed to open of their own accord and his right hand began easing up my thigh. When his fingers encountered the crotch of my pantyhose he gave a grunt of frustration. With some fumbling I managed to lift my bottom off the couch long enough for him to hook his fingers into the waistband and pull the whole thing down. He yanked off my shoes and a second later my legs were bare and he was pushing them open and flipping up my skirt.