Dear Zoe, Mika_Me asked me for a favor so here I am, giving you a honest review. I hope it helps :)
My impression after the first chapter:
The plot seems common for reincarnation/transmigration novels. If this is the case is still unknown. For now the MC only has amnesia.
Your writing has some room for improvement. The grammar isn't perfect and the used tense is inconsistent. (I tried to point it out with two comments.) Maybe it would help to do some research on the times jused for writing (I am no expert as well). Then choose one and stick to it consistently for the whole story. Make this a point to check when proofreading your book as it can be hard to be consistent with it at the beginning when being immersed in writing.
You tend to repeat the same words. Try to use synonyms instead. For example look at the first few sentences of chapter one: female figure/male figure. Better would be just male/female or man/woman, alternative you could say female figure and just male/man, just don't repeat figure. You have this problem with several words like yelled (alternatives: screamed, shouted etc). If you notice something like this but don't know other words, just Google for synonyms of that word. The internet is a great helper ;) Of course it's not always possible to avoid using the same word twice in a short time (like tea and tea bag or she/he etc - here try using alternative like the girl/woman/man/patient etc) but you should still try to reduce same words in the same frame.
Besides this, the reading flow isn't great. It's caused because you use the symbols for direct speach (") very inconsistent and you haven't found a way to clearly show when something is an inner thought. Often it's unclear whether the people said something out loud or not and the reader therefore has to pause to figure it out. I think you should do some research and look on other web novels and how it's done there. In paperbacks inner thoughts usually are in italic letters, in webnovels I think the distinction is done with spacing.
Your writing could be more detailed and give some more information about the MC besides that she's yelling and has amnesia. You already used the I-perspective so you could include more inner thoughts. This would improve the depth of the character as well and help the reader to emphasize and understand her more. The writing would seem less superficial because for now it's mostly a short description of the facts. (On a personal note, I am no fan of the I-perspective.) Maybe look the perspectives of writing up as well and consider your options.
On top of that you should give a bit more detail to the surroundings. For example [She looked arround and found herself in a spacious hospital ward. Next to the door stood a man and a woman, observing her. In shock she blurted out loud: "Who are you?". The woman had a green-blue bob-cut that framed her face and wore a business outfit. The man, in business clothes as well, had short black hair and wore a pair of silver framed glasses. (I made their looks up as an example.) After taking a short glance at her confused face they resumed their previous chat and completely ignored her.]
Chapter 2-5:
You changed the perspective to bird view (Don't know what it's called in English. Sorry, like I said I'm no expert.)
The story now is about Mirror Stephanie till chapter 5. There even seems to be a time skip to her marriage before chapter 5 begins.... I am confused. Wasn't the story about Heaven?
Chapter 6:
Your grammar has improved.
You seem to get ei and ie mixed up often like in their or weird or hire/heir. You also like to leave the "I" out from "I am". Many of your sentences only start with "Am".
In the later chapters her amnesia seems to be forgotten although it was such an important thing for the start of the story. I feel like you could have used the amnesia more.
I stopped reading after chapter 18. Teen isn't really my genre. As for my thoughts on your book: I think you have and interesting plot in mind that just lacks details and more experience in writing. I could see your writing improve chapter by chapter which I really like. This shows that you should definitely stick to writing and collect experience. Your English was also getting better and better. Just read more and continue writing.
I didn't check how old your writing is, so maybe you already worked on some of those issues. As for now I recommend you to download a English template for your smartphone keyboard or to use a writing program that offers a spell and grammar check for the English language (depending on how you write). This will help to improve your understanding of the English language and prevent a lot of mistakes from the beginning. I guess writing is just a hobby of yours so hiring an editor would be a bit overkill.
Please don't take my criticism to heart. No, that's wrong, please take it to heart, just don't take it the wrong way. I tried my best to give you constructive criticism (positive feedback) that is helpful for you to improve further. It may seem like I wrote a lot (I did) but they are just a few points in total that I excessively talked about. Some of them are an easy fix, others need time to improve (writing experience and English grammar) but all of them are fixable if you're willing to.
Also I am no writer, just a reader. It's easier to pick out flaws if you've never done the work. I am not good at writing, being creative and creating my own story just from imagination. I am just able to point out the things I notice and work on top of the basics/the words written by you. Without you doing the groundwork I wouldn't be able to suggest options for you. So please don't take me as a know-it-all. It's all based on your hard work for which I would like to thank you. Looking at your comments and reviews you have some loyal readers that enjoy your work, so please continue doing what you do.
I hope I was of some help and I wish you all the best for the future dear Author-san 💜
